Does anyone feel this way about their mother?

[Brontesaurus1]

I’ve gone NC for this. I’ve just got off the phone with my mum and am once again so disturbed by her probably innocent comments and I’m just seeking some insight into my reactions. I’m aware the examples below are hardly ground breakingly awful but the way they effect me can derail a whole day so I would love some opinions or similar experiences.

As a background, I was an only child raised by my mum alone. She had a pretty awful upbringing and did her best but our relationship really fell apart in my teens. I was a good kid but we would have screaming matches and she was quite emotionally neglectful and would stop speaking to me for weeks at a time from as early as I can remember. I remember I once told her she had something in her teeth (as I thought this was polite) when I was about 7 years old, and she didn’t speak to me for a few days. I was constantly on eggshells and seeking approval and love from her which could be withdrawn at any moment and then given back without warning or explanation.

She was obviously battling some emotional reactivity issues in herself but provided for me well in other ways, ensured I was well educated, always had best dental care etc. I can’t really remember much of my early childhood and I have mild OCD (was much worse when I was a kid but entirely manageable now) which I know can be set off by childhood trauma so I assume I was a pretty stressed kid!

Anyway, I am now an adult and we have an ok relationship, I live very far away but we manage holidays together etc and talk on the phone every few weeks.

However, I find that whenever I share positive stories or plans with her as she will always say something to derail my positive feelings.

And it’s probably innocent from her side but I guess maybe it’s my own fight or flight response or something? But she will say things that just make me feel “icky” in a way I can’t really describe. Like a kind of physical reaction.

As an example, years ago when I was dating a guy from home and super excited and actually planning to move back home to be with him (and thus near her), I shared this with her and she said “oh so you’re playing happy families” sort of disparagingly - not the worst thing in the world to say but it’s almost like she had cursed the whole thing and kind of completely took the shine off our budding romance.

And just now on the phone we were discussing my fiancé and our plans to have a romantic dinner for him to give me my engagement ring (as he proposed without one so we could design together) and she asked “are you two getting along?” - just completely randomly and it just made me feel SO icky like of course we are, we are about to have a really special romantic night why would you ask that?

Somehow her asking the question has really derailed my day and I know it will take me a while to shake this off and not let it “curse” or take the shine off our dinner plans.

We recently had a big family reunion and I found myself telling my aunts (her sisters) about our TTC plans and it was so lovely to share and get their advice, they were positive and fun and normal.

Then they told her about our conversation and she was a bit like “oh so you’re ttc and told them not me?” And I just clammed up physically inside and realised I just hate to share anything special with her as I have this kind of visceral fear that she’ll say something to take the special shine off it?

Anyway, that was a bloody novel so thanks of you got this far. Just looking for some insight into this.

Possibly it’s just my OCD that is causing this reaction in me. But I’m curious to know if any of you with very complicated relationships with their mothers feel similarly about holding their cards close to their chests as things they say kind of ruin the happiness for you? Even if objectively the thing they say isn’t that horrible? That it kind of sparks a reaction in you that’s a bit of an overreaction.

I’m just trying to separate what is a “me” issue and what is a “relationship with mum” issue to develop coping strategies.

I love this. I'm going to save it in my notes to reread over and over again

This is a wonderful way to look at it!

OP, your mother sounds abusive. It is not remotely normal to not speak to your child for days or weeks and is it possible that there were things she did other than the ones you described? Look into emotional abuse by mothers and see if you find yourself there. You sound like contact with your mother does not do you any good. Why do you engage with her at all? She neglected you emotionally as a child and did great damage to you and has not changed. What do you hope to gain from the relationship with your abusive mother now? Because she is still abusing you.

When you have children with your fiance, will you abuse them too and expect them to have sympathy for the way you treat them because you had a difficult upbrining? Or would you move heaven and earth to not let it affect them? Even if your mother had a tough life, it does not give her permission to abuse anyone.

I'm mid forties. Always thought my mum didn't like me but adores my brothers. I had an eating disorder when a teenager and I feel the family rift we have was caused by me and I think she blames me. Only remember one hug from her, no kisses on texts, hugs my cousins in front of me, positive with others. When I say I'm going for a job - she'll say I have to get an interview first of all. Around 15 years ago said why wasn't I like my cousin. Said I'm selfish last year as I forgot to ask about a medical appointment. I phone and sometimes she just asks - what do you want. Her friends don't really have much to say to me - so I wonder what she tells them. But I've only just realised she is negative and this has had an effect on my confidence all through my life. So I'm trying to not react.

OP, mine was the same. As another poster said, always had to piss on my chips. She had a very hard life though, lots of tragedy. I'm trying very hard to forgive her for it, while being hypercareful to not do it to my own kids.

Yeah. My mother winds me right up. Would seem like small petty things if I wrote them down specifically but all added together... I just hate being around her. If anyone is nice to me she finds some way to make it seem false, like subtly implies they are crazy or after something etc... she acts like I just dont really love my husband.. I cant describe how she does this it wouldnt make sense.. any good thing that happens in my life she either completely ignores if I try and talk about it, or she takes responsibility for it, or she undermines it.
I used to paint when I was young and I tried to sell some paintings and managed to and she actually went and got them back off the people because apparently they belonged to her as she bought the paint I had used... just stuff like this.
Shes just also completely negative and horrible about the world to me when there's no one else there but as soon as someone else's she doesnt know well is there she acts like the sweetest person.
She drains the living daylights out of me and I've had to go very low contact with her

Sounds exactly like my mum. I call once a week and visit a couple of times a year, but to be frank, I'm 51 and still tortured by her relentless negativity and all the accidental put downs. I hope you find a way through it - please do remember this is about her and not in any way about you. She was damaged by something and it's not your job to fix it OP. I think you probably thought you could when you were a child, but you can't.

My mum's a bit like this. Rather than negative comments, she just manages to turn everything around into something about her and the stuff she's interested in.
In some cases its just plain weird.

Examples:
I was invited to speak to a government committee about my work. My mum's reaction:
"Oh so you're working for the government now? They're all corrupt. I'll never vote again in my life"

I told her that DP was visiting San Diego for work. Her reaction:
"It's a shithole, there's a terrible problem with homeless people there"

I was buying some Epstein 1930s furniture. I was telling her about Harry and Lou Epstein, the Jewish Polish immigrants who started the company in the 1890s. Her reaction:
"Eurgh, they're not related to that pedophile Jeffrey Epstein are they?"

Like others, I've just stopped sharing basically any news about my life at all.

Another one with a similar upbringing here. Was constantly walking on eggshells during childhood and still do to some extent. I have now moved far away and have my own family. I’ve made a conscious effort to not copy her behaviours with my DC and I limit her contact with them. I do my best to laugh off her crazy doom-laden proclamations and tell her absolutely nothing important as I know she would use it against me at a later date. I feel that by withholding information about my life I am having the last laugh and for me, that is enough.

My mum was like this.

She married my father when she was 19 and had 4 children before he left.

Her life as a single mum was very very hard.

She spent the rest of her life seeking someone to care for her, to put her first always. I was dragged into parentification when I was a child. I think she just wanted a caring, loving mother. She had various boyfriends but they just couldn’t come up to her standard.

I also think being a single mother made her very self sufficient but it also meant she was used to her word being the law. That wasn’t something she ever gave up.

Some people when they have hard times, like to give when they see others having a similar hard time. Others think, “well I didn’t get any help, so why put myself out for others”

My relationship with my mother deteriorated when I had my own child. To outward eyes my marriage was stable and I was ok financially.

I realise that my mother was jealous of my ‘good fortune’.

In the end I stopped telling her any of my good news or if anything nice had happened. She just didn’t have the ability to enjoy any one else’s good fortune.
I was always torn between thinking she was like this due to life experiences, or it was partly her personality. One therapist said she was a narcissist.

I also remember being so surprised when older people are just so happy for you when you share nice things.

Does simple jealousy fit the bill for your mother?

My mother was similar.
She died over two years ago and I have never once felt sad about it...only relieved.
I learned to be quite distant and guarded with her as an adult.
She was jealous of me since I became a teen (not so bad before that).and it continued until she died.
I also took advice and learned to say ''Aw, don't say that...'' or ''why are you saying that?''
to some of her negative comments. It helped a bit, by stopping her in her tracks.

Thank you so much for all the supportive comments and for being so generous to share your similar experiences. There are too many to reply to individually but I read and appreciate them all. It sounds like there was something in the water in our parents’ generation!

And to all the lovely commenters who told me it’s not my fault and nothing to do with me and who gave great advice about rising above the comments: I say the same back to you and wish us all the strength to heal from the damages of our upbringing, and the wisdom to ensure the cycle stops with us.

Much love!

It sounds like there was something in the water in our parents’ generation!

Trauma from two wars was pretty long lasting and passed down through generations.

Same as others - I reduced contact to a level that felt comfortable (bearing in mind the amount of headspace it took to deal with her shite after every visit or call), and do a lot of mmmhhmmm and that’s nice on calls. My actual life, activities, interests, vulnerabilities etc are elsewhere, out of her reach.

I am low contact with my mother for similar icky feelings. There is just something majorly off. I am not imagining it though as my sister and my own children also feel the same way, so I think I have more validation than you do as you are an only child.

My DM did not have a bad childhood but gave me one and as an adult she can’t seem to stop trying to fit herself in as one of my siblings or one of my children or something it is the most uncomfortable feeling to me. She has zero motherly behaviours. If she gets rejected from this expectation to be on par with my Dsis or my DC she is negative towards me as if I have personally offended her.

Our last interaction was her telling me she understood how I felt as a victim of child DV and SA as she too was an ‘adult victim’ (no physical or sexual abuse happened to her she admits this) and had been ‘groomed’ by my groomers and abusers to accept what was happening and this is why she didn’t protect me from them. I understand what she’s trying to say, that she didn’t feel capable of stopping my abuse as she felt abused herself but my recollection and her subsequent behaviours do not match this. She kept my dad around because she was intensely possessive whilst hating him at the same time and didn’t want to lose face or let him win. All I witnessed was them constantly trying to punish each other with nasty behaviours.

put yourself first here. It’s sad when you must parent yourself but you will do a better job of it than she is. I would reduce contact and you don’t owe her an explanation as to why. You don’t owe her anything…

Yes! My mother also used to stop speaking to us (and still does). She ruins nice things. For example, the day before my wedding she wasn't happy with her flower thingy for her dress/hair that my friend had organised as a present for me(friend organised all the bouquets, buttonholes etc)
And my mom stopped talking. I had a lovely dinner with my sisters and bridesmaids organised but spent the whole meal feeling guilty and sick because my mother wasn't happy with her flowers

@WhatsMyDream yes very similar experiences. We once lost her in a busy tourist road on our way to dinner (as she literally wandered off from the group without warning) I managed to find her again but she yelled at me in the street that “if I didn’t want her there I should have just said!!!” She then stopped speaking to me or making any eye contact with me for the whole dinner and next day - it was my birthday. I was riddled with anxiety and guilt and trying to save face so the other holiday guests wouldn’t notice and feel uncomfortable.

So, I totally get you! X

Urgh I remember my mother completely dominating my sisters wedding because by then my dad had left her for someone else and she wanted to basically find a Princess Di revenge dress to make him realise what he was missing. Absolutely nothing to do with pride at being the MOTB or my poor sister.

My Dsis and I traipsed for hours and hours watching her try on dress after dress while she got more and more upset at how they didn’t look like she had imagined and wouldn’t take any advice about trying something else on. In the end we both refused to help her anymore. She did nothing to help with the wedding itself either.

And many of our mothers grew up with much more restricted lives and limited opportunities compared with us. It can make people resentful that they missed out.

Yes indeed. My mum is a bit like that with DD2 and I explain to DD2 that is what is happening.

@WhatsMyDream my mother managed to behave during my wedding, but turned on me afterwards for the way she felt my FIL had behaved towards her and DH's birth mother (I have two MILs). As if it was my fault - when by the time of the alleged behaviour, DH and I had already left to go on honeymoon! And over how terrible it was that DH didn't thank her specifically in his speech. Has rather soured my memories of the day itself.

My mum is like that but I migrated halfway round the world to UK, away from her so wasn't so bad for my adult life. Very low contact from 20s (steadily decreasing phone calls and visits) and the distance helped me develop immensely, never too late...

She had a difficult upbringing herself (given up for adoption) and sounds very similar to OP mum. Just very little empathy, plays victim etc.

In her latter years she developed dementia and from early 70s lost all her mental faculties and memories. So we can't close or repair the relationship even with the wisdom of hindsight/age.

I don't have the best emotional intelligence myself because of this but the nice thing is I'm breaking the cycle with my kids. Im quite closed off myself and have no good adult relationships apart from DH.

I often think about that fact @Graciebobcat. My mum has a done a better job than hers but when it comes to it, I find her so difficult. It's nice to find other people who have a strange relationship with their mother, I often feel like it's my fault somehow (even though I know it's not). It's like she is in some kind of arrested development and the older I become the more I struggle to communicate with her. Every conversation is tricky and strained but I can have natural and optimistic conversations with others her age. If she wasn't my mum I'd cut contract because it's like we have irreconcilable differences. Sometimes I'd like to but then I think about the point of how tough she had it and on it goes.
You're not alone @Brontesaurus1 and as much as it's sad, we are not responsible for them and we have to protect ourselves.

@Morby yes I feel exactly the same. I know she’s doing a MUCH better job than her own mother and I think she deserves kudos for the effort there. I also know a lot of the stuff (like silent treatment) stems from her fear of rejection and inability to regulate emotions or repair after a disagreement. So I am sympathetic.

I totally agree on the other adults front as well, when I chat to my aunts or my dad it’s so relaxed and positive and find myself naturally opening up and sharing vulnerabilities/news/plans without fear.

Their best was not good enough.

Many people have tough lives but choose not to inflict pain and abuse onto their now adult offspring. These people had a choice when it came to their children and they chose to inflict the same old what was done to them. The fathers in many cases were bystanders and acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life, these men failed as parents too. The cycle of abuse has finally stopped with you people because you have chosen to not repeat this.

Morby - you are really under no obligation here to continue any form of contact with your mother, it’s only the obligation that you put yourself under which does that. You indeed would not tolerate this from a friend and your mother is really no different. You do not owe your mother anything, let alone a relationship here and if your mother is narcissistic in terms of personality it’s not possible to have a relationship anyway. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally changed in all the years since.