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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave this man?

58 replies

Notmyusualnickname · 04/03/2008 19:30

I am going to list DH good points and the bad stuff and I would really appreciate some opinions, however blunt or harsh. I am so confused about my marriage.

Have been married for 6 years and have 2 DC.

Good stuff

DH is a good father.
When he has money he is very generous.
He can be funny and good company.
Is supportive when I have family or work issues but throws it all back in my face when we fall out.

Bad stuff

If we have a discussion about ANYTHING and I dont agree with him he calls me thick and stupid and a fucking idiot.
When we row, he calls me vicious names and brings up things I have told him about my past and family - really bad stuff for example my Mum was physically and verbally abusive to me throughout my life and he says that he understands why. My DS is possibly ASD and he told me that it was my fault because I have had mental health issues and it was rubbing off on his son also that I want DS to be ASD so I can be the centre of attention.
He has hit me three times since we have been married the last on Christmas Eve when he pushed me down a flight of stairs.
I am currently having to declare myself bankrupt because he has run up £1000s of debt that I have no possible way of paying.
I am a SAHM and he tells me that I am a money grabber and all I do is spend the money that he earns - not true - I have my own money, not much but enough to live on, he has supported me in the past though.
He has been unfaithful to me - have found text messages on his phone and phone numbers in pockets etc when he has not taken his phone out.
He drinks to excess - most nights - but not in front of the kids.
He does not care enough about me to observe any of my special occasions ie birthdays and anniversaries etc, then tells me I am immature and have the mind of a 13 year old because I get upset about it.
When I am watching various TV programmes he will also say the above.

All this stuff does not happen all the time, but only when we are not getting on. I find myself getting harder and harder and nastier and nastier to him back in order to deflect it and not end up a nervous wreck. I was abused as a child and have always been a fighter. Not much of this happens in front of the children and he is a great Dad. I have no money and no where to go. I dont even know if I am over reacting or not. He was 22 when we married and says that he was a kid and his behaviour is my own fault and I should never have married him at that age. I am 6 years older. He wanted us to have children straight away, though I thought we should wait so we did and I am glad but it does seem strange for someone who now says that he never really wanted to marry me and has wanted to leave since we had been married for 6 months.

Thanks, sorry so long.

OP posts:
claricebeansmum · 04/03/2008 19:33

This is a man who hits you?

Walk away, walk away.

He has no respect for you - unfaithful, drinking, calling you stupid

This is not a partnership - he is abusing you.

It will be hard to go but so so much better for you and DC in long run.

boudoiricca · 04/03/2008 19:33

YES.

ASAP. Just from seeing how much longer your bad point list is than the good one! Never mind the awful details contained within.

He is abusing you. Leave him. I am sure there are people here who can advise you on the best way to do this.

ahundredtimes · 04/03/2008 19:34

One list does far extend the other doesn't it?

What do you think when you read the lists?

pedilia · 04/03/2008 19:35

It is incredibly difficult to judge someones marriage from one post BUT you don't sound like you are happy in this relationship and he sounds very mean and immature IMO.

I certainly would not be happy to stay married to someone that does just half the stuff you desrcibe! He would serioulsy piss me off!

What do you want to do? Do you love him enough to want to make your marriage work?

flowerybeanbag · 04/03/2008 19:36

Yes absolutely. You've only got one point on the good points list that doesn't come with a 'but' or an 'only if'.

quint · 04/03/2008 19:36

If he is abusing you physically and mentally and is not willing to sort himslef out then you need to leave for your own and your children's safety - you never know it may be the kick up the arse he needs - unlikely but you never know.

pedilia · 04/03/2008 19:36

missed the part where he has been physival, bastard, surely you deserve better!!!

WiiMii · 04/03/2008 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverMyDeadBody · 04/03/2008 19:39

Yes I would leave him. Even if your bad list contained only one of those things you listed, that would be enough for me to leave

You know you don't deserve to be treated like this don't you?! You are definately not overreacting.

He's not a great dad if he shows no respect for his children's mother either.

TurkeyLurkey · 04/03/2008 19:39

Hmmn, the only thing that seems positive is you say he is a good father. Well he could carry on being good if you split.

HE doesn't sound like a very nice person to say the least, a loving relationship should not be like this.

What do you get from this relationship from him?

Go the CAB to find out what you would be entitled to to live on (benfits wise) if you leave him.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you sound as if you'd be better off without him.

WowOoo · 04/03/2008 19:39

Think I would have to be brave and leave him.

JodieG1 · 04/03/2008 19:40

I'd leave any man for hitting me, the first time would be the last.

pinkspottywellies · 04/03/2008 19:42

It doesn't sound like you're at all happy with him. And it doesn't sound like he's very happy either.

You say you have 'no money and nowhere to go'. There are organisations who can support you if you want to leave in terms of finding somewhere to go. You say you have your own money and he has run up huge amounts of debt (presumably in your name?) - sounds like it won't make much difference to your financial situation if you are with him or not except perhaps to put you in a better situation.

Look back at your lists and follow your instincts but IMO you are not over reacting.

WingsofanAngel · 04/03/2008 19:45

Anyone who undermines you as a person is not a good person to be in a relationship with.

I can understand stress over money etc but you are supposed to be a family unit. The fact that he is mentally abusing you.

The fact he has physically hurt you three times is not a good basis for a relationship.

What stops you from leaving him ?

WallOfSilence · 04/03/2008 19:46

I would leave in an instant.

So should you.

You deserve more than that.

LIZS · 04/03/2008 19:47

Sounds controlling and abusive. You cannot assuem the children don't witness his nastier side and there is a real danger they will see his example as acceptable and follow suit. Easy to say walk away but .... If the debts are his let him go bankrupt , have you seen CAB ?

warthog · 04/03/2008 19:48

yes, i would. he's pretty awful.

Quattrocento · 04/03/2008 19:49

Nothing more to add than what has been said already. Just wanted to give you all my sympathy.

lemonstartree · 04/03/2008 20:03

he is not a good father to your cildren if he abuses their mother. period

plase leave

he may wake up to himself and see what a crap example he is

or he may not

either way you and the dc's deserve better

is he an alcoholic ?

Original poster
Notmyusualnickname · 04/03/2008 20:08

Thank you everyone. I know that most people would have left him long ago. What confuses me is that he was never like this when I first met him and married him. For the first seven months of our marriage he was great. I am scared that it is being married to ME that has made him like this. That it is my fault. We have always argued - like anyone I suppose but when I had DS he would disappear for days at a time - the most was 5. He would be drunk every weekend from Friday to Sunday and often into the following week as well, he was always taking time off work. Over the Christmas I was pregnant with DS he was drunk every single night for two weeks and would become loud and abusive, staggering around everywhere. I used to get really angry and we had horrible rows. I threw him out a few times as well but he would always promise things would be different. He says that I made him feel trapped and thats why he used to behave like that. I told him to leave so many times and he never wanted to though. What I am scared of is that I have created this situation myself. However his Dad is a complete pig and I do see a lot of him in DH. I just cant stop thinking it is all my fault and if I had just done things a bit differently he would never have gone this way.

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/03/2008 20:11

Are you sure he hasn't conditioned you to feel it is your fault Sounds like he has his own weaknesses but you cannot be held responsible for that, he is an adult. I really doubt you are protecting the children as well as you hope. What if they tell you years later how it affected them

ingles2 · 04/03/2008 20:13

Hello notmyusual, am so sorry to hear about your situation,.. I did wonder if you are someone I know as I have a friend in a nearly identical situation to you.
Whatever anyone says on here, the only person who can decide the next step is you... so as I have suggested to my friend...you need to answer some questions, but only for yourself.
Do you love him?
Do you want to be with him?
Do you feel you or your chldren are at risk?
Would you be happier without him?
Then call the CAB and Relate for advice, remember you can always have counselling on your own.
Good Luck, and remember there are lots of people here to help whatever you decide

TurkeyLurkey · 04/03/2008 20:13

The way you feel is very typical of women in abusive relationships. He has ground down your self-esteem and self-worth, this is why you think his abusive nature is your fault.

It is not your fault and likewise you will not be able to change him. Please get help.

pedilia · 04/03/2008 20:15

None of this is your fault, he is a grown man and makes his own choices including the one where he treats you like crap!
As others have said your DS will be affected by this type of behaviour.

He needs to be by himself and sort himself out, IF and WHEN he realises he has a problem, you cannot do it for him or will him to change. His behaviour will continue to escalate, you need to get him OUT for you and DS

ara · 04/03/2008 20:18

this man sounds awful, and yes, in my opinion you should leave him. it sounds as though you have really lost confidence and have lost the sense of where your boundaries lie (bullying men can have this effect over a period of time) - this isn't your fault, however many problems you think you have in yourself - he shouldn't treat you like this. you are the mother of his dc's and he should be ashamed of himself .

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