Would you leave this man?

[Notmyusualnickname]

I am going to list DH good points and the bad stuff and I would really appreciate some opinions, however blunt or harsh. I am so confused about my marriage.

Have been married for 6 years and have 2 DC.

Good stuff

DH is a good father.
When he has money he is very generous.
He can be funny and good company.
Is supportive when I have family or work issues but throws it all back in my face when we fall out.

Bad stuff

If we have a discussion about ANYTHING and I dont agree with him he calls me thick and stupid and a fucking idiot.
When we row, he calls me vicious names and brings up things I have told him about my past and family - really bad stuff for example my Mum was physically and verbally abusive to me throughout my life and he says that he understands why. My DS is possibly ASD and he told me that it was my fault because I have had mental health issues and it was rubbing off on his son also that I want DS to be ASD so I can be the centre of attention.
He has hit me three times since we have been married the last on Christmas Eve when he pushed me down a flight of stairs.
I am currently having to declare myself bankrupt because he has run up £1000s of debt that I have no possible way of paying.
I am a SAHM and he tells me that I am a money grabber and all I do is spend the money that he earns - not true - I have my own money, not much but enough to live on, he has supported me in the past though.
He has been unfaithful to me - have found text messages on his phone and phone numbers in pockets etc when he has not taken his phone out.
He drinks to excess - most nights - but not in front of the kids.
He does not care enough about me to observe any of my special occasions ie birthdays and anniversaries etc, then tells me I am immature and have the mind of a 13 year old because I get upset about it.
When I am watching various TV programmes he will also say the above.

All this stuff does not happen all the time, but only when we are not getting on. I find myself getting harder and harder and nastier and nastier to him back in order to deflect it and not end up a nervous wreck. I was abused as a child and have always been a fighter. Not much of this happens in front of the children and he is a great Dad. I have no money and no where to go. I dont even know if I am over reacting or not. He was 22 when we married and says that he was a kid and his behaviour is my own fault and I should never have married him at that age. I am 6 years older. He wanted us to have children straight away, though I thought we should wait so we did and I am glad but it does seem strange for someone who now says that he never really wanted to marry me and has wanted to leave since we had been married for 6 months.

Thanks, sorry so long.

I think you need to be strong and get out of this situation for the sake of yourself and your dcs. You say he reminds you of his father - do you want him to have a similar influence on DS?

Sorry, if that sounds harsh. I think you are utterly wrong to blame yourself in anyway at all. But I do thing you should leave him and this is one of the reasons why...

What would you have done differently NMUN?

What do you think you did to make him like this?

I didnt like him going out when I was pregnant with DS and a couple of times we rowed about it but not all the time. I clearly remember waving him away on a train for a weekend with his mates and being really happy to have some time for myself.

His Mum was a real cow when we first got together and married, very controlling and quite insulting towards me. I think I nagged him a bit too much about that. I think I expected him to grow up too quickly just because I had. I thought we were going along on fine but maybe I tried to force my ideas about how I wanted things to be in our marriage too much.

I slapped him once when he said something really insulting too me that I dont even want to repeat and he has always said since then that I introduced violence into the relationship and I suppose he is right.

I told him that not only was my life supposed to change when we became parents but he didnt agree with that. I am the main carer for DC so apparently it was only me who was supposed to give everything up. I dont earn any money so I cant expect to have as much money as him for myself etc etc. I used to get really angry when he said things like this and I maybe could have been a bit calmer and not reacted so strongly. He doesnt really do anything practical for DC unless nagged. Maybe I have just nagged him too much and expected too much.

Yes. Going on what you have posted, I would leave (and I put up with loads of crap!!) Your post describes someone who is systematically breaking you down and, ime, his violence against you will escalate. You have not caused this. You could not cause this. It is a problem in him and not one you can solve. He is an abusive man who is working to make you feel worthless and is doing a good job of convincing you that this is down to you and you deserve it. And when he's broken your spirit, he'll break your body.

You don't deserve it and neither do your children. The longer you stay, the worse it will get.

Sounds like my piece of shit xh. You took advantage of him because he was too young to know better? I could cry for you - and I know I couldn't live with it. You will disappear into a collection of neuroses by the time he's finished with you, NMUN.

When we had our daughter baptised, we had to have the "god squad" come round and go through things with us (catholic - would you expect any less ). I dont remember anything they said tbh, apart from one thing and it has really stuck with me. She was quoting from the bible and she said that some guy (cant remember who) said to his priest/god/whoever (can't remember) "how can i be the best father i can be to my children?" To which he got the reply "Love their mother". This stuck with me, not for religious reasons, im not overly religeous as it happens. But i just think it is so true, a happy and secure home is the best thing a father can provide for his children.

So, based on the OP you really have to ask yourself if this man is actually a good father at all? If you think that it is OK for your children to grow up seeing the disregard your DH has for you, then stay - if you want more for your children - leave.

Sorry, that is blunt, but he sounds like a cunt.

Your last post has made me even more the bastard has treated you like shit, and made you feel so bad about yourself that you are convincing yourself it is your own fault. He aint ever going to grow up - get rid.

One of the (many) problems of growing up in an emotionally and physically abusive environment, is that some people can be left with a residual feeling that everything is their fault. Other people's behaviour becomes your responsibility.

It wasn't your fault that you were subjected to abuse when you were a child, and it isn't your fault that this is happening now.

That being said, now you are an adult and you do have choices. You are enabling his shoddy behaviour by letting it continue. That's not a criticism, it's an observation.

There are many women who would leave for any one of the reasons that you listed above. You need to ask yourself what is keeping you there. It's almost impossible for people that haven't been abused to understand, but sometimes it's just that this sort of thing is familiar and you know how to cope with it, even if it makes you miserable. If you haven't considered therapy, that may be something you could think about to help make the best choices, maybe different choices. For you and for your children.

Good luck FMx

Thanks everyone. Your replies have made me cry but in a good way. What is confusing is that inbetween the bad times he always takes everything back that he has said and each time I really think that we will be alright now and he never meant what he said or did. I also know I should never have married him so young but he seemed to want it as much as me and we were really happy. I cant regret it because I have my kids. I have spent a lot of time thinking that he just needs to grow up and giving him chance after chance because I always believe it will come good but TBH I am beginning to realise that he will not be able or does not want to do that with me. Someone else will probably reap the benefits of all the shit I have had to take.

I was sat in the park with DD today and I realised that when I used to take DS to the park a couple of years ago I would always phone one of my mates or family for a chat as I wandered around with him. Now I dont phone anyone because I dont really have any friends left and I feel so shit all the time that I dont have anything really to say. Its pretty much all I can do to get through the day. Thanks for telling me its not my fault I dont quite believe it yet but its given me a lot to think about. I know I want to leave him, just the practical side of it scares me and I dont want to make a selfish decision that will affect my kids ie their Dad cant live with us any more because Mum cant get on with him. I dont have any mates here and my family are a couple of hours away. I am going to start exploring some options tommorrow re benefits etc.

Leave him, please. Not just for your sake, but probably for your DC's sake long term. What kind of role model is he? Can you be sure he'll never turn on them? You may think it is better to stick together for their sake, but it is so scarring for kids to grown up in this kind of dysfunctional situation. I wish you courage - I think you are part way to the right decision otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

Sounds a crap situation, it won't be your fault that the kids don't see daddy because 'mummy doesnt get on with him anymore' It will be his fault because he treats you like shite.
Could you apply for housing nearer to your family? CAB should be able to help you as should your local housing office. Also get down to your jobcentre and ask to speak to a lone parent advisor, they will tell you exactly what benefits you will receive.
If push comes to shove, could you go to womens aid? I think they will put you in one of their flats until the council can rehouse you?

Yes.

You know by now that this is abuse; here is some interesting reading from the Women's Aid site. Their number is 0808 2000 247 if you need it.

some extracts from here:

What are the signs of domestic violence?

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening

Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

The Cycle of Violence:

Cycle of violence meaning 2: cyclical model of abuse followed by remorse

The term ?cycle of violence? is also used to refer to a cyclical model of an abusive relationship in which the abuse gradually gets worse and builds to a climax, often involving severe physical or sexual violence; this is then followed by remorse and pleas for forgiveness (the ?hearts and flowers? or ?honeymoon? phase). At that stage, the abuser is likely to promise never to repeat the violence; however ? according to this model - the tension gradually builds up again to a further climax of abuse. The cycle can take varied periods of time, but tends to speed up the longer the relationship lasts.

It's important to see the honeymoon phase as a part of a continuing pattern of power and control ? i.e. the perpetrator using his expressions of remorse as a tool to absolve himself from responsibility, and to manipulate his partner into staying in the relationship ? perhaps even blaming herself for his violence

What he is doing is a recognised form of abuse - it is NOT your fault; it is how abusers work.

I have been through abuse and come out the other side - feel free to ask for my email if you'd like to talk more, or I'm happy to talk on here...

Keep safe - if anything kicks off, ring 999.

sympathy and hugs, I could have written a lot of your post.

It is so tough, you know what you should do, but...

Keep strong and safe. I wish you stacks of courage

the fact of the matter is we only have one life....and it is too precious to waste on people and relationships that are no good for us.i know its easier said than done but you really need to realise that if you're not happy and havent been for a long time then its time to take a new direction in life x i hope things work out for you

hey there notmyusual. Your post sound exactly like mine i have such low self esteem that i actually think its my fault too. I have lived like this for nearly six years and its only with the help from the wonderful people on here that this week i finally spoke to a womens aid lady. Am going to a group on thurs with other ladies in our situation. I understand what you are going through. Would you like my email

yes please leave him.
it is sooooo not your fault, you deserve much better than this
if he is verbally and physically abusive to you, how do you know he won't be to your DC in the future if they say something he doesn't like...
take care of yourself and good luck x

Which list is longer?. I would leave him pronto frankly. He is abusive and uncaring and is doing all the usual behaviours such abusive people do.

This is likely to be learnt behaviour as well from his own childhood thus deeply seated and impossible to fix. Do not try to rescue and or fix him because it will not work. I note both his parents are awful (the signs were there, seeing these people did not raise red flags?). Continuing to stay in the long term will considerably raise the risk of your own children treating their own adult partners in exactly the same manner.

You and your children certainly deserve better but you will need to take that first step for your own self (i.e making a plan to leave him) and that is often the hardest one.
You have been ground down and are thus afraid of your own good judgment (also like my friend).

It is NOT your fault he is like this. You did not make him this way. His parents did that, he learnt from them. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Your situation is scarily similar to what my friend finds herself in. Their child is being deeply affected by all their relationship problems and I would have to say your children are taking this all in as well. Damaging lessons are being imparted here, he is patently not a good father (I think that comment arises only because the victim can find nothing else good to say about their man). And like my friend's man as well he was also nice when they first got married, his true colours became apparant later on. He can only bury such inherant personality traits for so long...he would have acted the same regardless of whom he married.

Your primary responsibility now is to your children. You have to do right by them, they do not need to see such abusive behaviours in their own lives either.

Please call Womens Aid.

If he's laid a hand on you. LEAVE.

Notmyusualnickname - He's a bully who wants to be seen as "the good guy". That's why he's generous with money, doesn't bully you in front of the kids and helps you out sometimes (probably making sure everyone knows about it).

He's a very good manipulator because even if he hits you you make excuses for him. 10% gold in a relationship is not worth putting up with 90% crap.

Hope you find the courage to get out, life is to short to be miserable.

Today I tried to talk to him about something that is happening with DS at school, he started to get angry so I said "you are being abusive and I am going to leave you to it" and got up and walked away. As I went he called me a "f*cking dickhead". He later said he called me that because I said that when we go to a school meeting about DS I dont want us to just sit there like Dummies and that I want us to be very proactive. He twisted this into me calling him a Dummy and said that is why he got angry and abusive.

I told him that I want him to move out and until he is a position to go financially then he is to just leave me alone and always speak to me in a civil manner. He actually said to me later that I was handling this differently and I replied "Yes and you'd better run with it because I am changing a few things here". He didnt say anything back and I am gobsmacked. I was able to deal with him like this and not respond to his name calling ALL because of your responses to my thread making me realise what an arse he is.

I know it is not a miracle cure and it wont end here in fact I am exhausted at the thought of what is to come over the next couple of weeks when he realises I am serious. He is unlikely to get physical, it will be more along the lines of verbal stuff. Always belittling and saying things to get a reaction.

Mehdismummy - that would be great if I could get your email.

I am very pro working things out in a relationship but physical violence is an absolute deal-breaker.

You must leave unless you have very good reason to believe he will make huge changes in his behaviour.

oh it sounds so so familiar. I am often told to go see a doctor as i am sick in the head. Or when he wont give me money or help look after ds him. I ask him why and i get told either 'its like that' or ' you decided to have a baby its your job'. I dunno why they do it. Anyway my email address is [email protected] i have been thinking of you today. X

I got as far as 'he has hit me 3 times'

I would leave.

If you don't feel you can just get up and go then you need to make sure you have a good support system around you. Presumably you don't want to rely on your mother for help?

How strong are you? Do you think you need some help for your mental health or from outside organisations? Would you be prepared to leave or can you find the strength to tell him that it is over and that you want him to leave?

Please listen to all the good advice you are getting here, you are making positive progress already.

But in your shoes I wouldn't walk away - I'd run.