Husband needs advice

[Husbandneedshelp]

Hi,
I need advice (I'm 41 wife is 39). I'm not the kind of guy that talks about issues with my friends so this is a bit of an offload and I've genuinely never mentioned this to anyone. This might be wildly inappropriate for this site but I'm specifically wanting women's advice. The long and short of my relationship is a one way street when it comes to affection. I do want to state that she isn't a monster as I'm about to paint her as. Nor am I some perfect man. She is loving as best she can be and in ways other than affection I know she loves me. She just had no desire to do something affectionate to make me happy. Anything. She derives not pleasure from it.
It wasn't always like this, it started straight after we got married, before kids came along. It's everything from foot rubs etc all the way up to sex. I have tried to reduce the stress burden on her, I'm a v present dad, I am not abusive, mean or cruel. If anything I think I've made this worse by being so willing and such a loser. Gosh this makes me sound selfish already.
But I've essentially been friend zoned. She has a couple of male friends that she keeps on the hook because she knows they fancy her and that's essentially where I am. I shower her with praise, she tells me that I make her feel beautiful. She now has a very low stress job and her actual life is great. But no affection. I can go an entire evening and she'll not speak to me, her face is buried in her phone.
For example she will plonk her feet on me n she expects a foot rub... I feel the urge to be affectionate, to want to make her happy. I do the same and she kinda flinches. She might briefly touch them. I'll stand next to her and I'll want to touch her hand. In the car I want to touch her leg but she literally never does unless I ask and even then it's maybe for 10 seconds; I want and need to feel connected but any affection is asked for and short lived. The sex life has been bad (I think) for all this time as well now. When she is in the mood she expects certain things but when she's satisfied that's it, roll over and think of England and this happens once every over month at best. There is zero interest in pleasing me and, to quote her, what's on it for me?
She knows how this makes me feel. I feel like her mate. I've told her this but she isn't interested too much, she roles her eyes. It's got to the point I don't see the point in bothering talking to her. It's also v painful to try and be affectionate. I feel like We're mates and I fancy her but she's stringing me along. Its got so bad that I've become suicidal. I have been so for some time and I even have a plan. I told her fairly recently, and her response was that I should leave her and she told all her mates about how I'm "like this". I love my kids so so much and it's all that keeps me hanging on. I get so low I'm convinced they'll be better off without me and my life insurance is v good. She has also told me that if we split up she'd have no need for a man as she had no need for sex or male company.
Now I can't afford divorce. We barely get by now, we're not in the bread line but we have no spare money. As it is I do loads of overtime to make ends meet. I have considered an affair. But I just can't get past the thought. But I need to feel wanted. To feel loved. I'm probably too needy but I don't expect that much. Just something.
My question is has anyone else faced this and what solution did they use? Thinking about getting a hobby to throw myself at in the evenings but I want to be at home in case my kids need me. I feel trapped. I need to prepare myself for this life and to get through it with all much happiness as I can derive and make my family happy.

Oh my, I really feel bad for you. It seems you've told your wife how you feel and she still isn't doing anything. Imo she needs shocking into changing. Just talking to her and telling her isn't doing anything. You need to get a social life, go out with your friends, even find some women to string along like she does her male friends. I'm not suggesting an affair at all but maybe just make her worry a little bit. If you're out socialising then she will start to feel jealous and maybe realise she's taking you for granted. If she doesn't care then I'm afraid you do need to leave her. You dont need to divorce straight away if money is an issue. Save up for it. Wait it out and then do it online in the future. The main thing is getting out of a one sided relationship. I'm not always an affectionate person all the time it depends what's going on in my mind but I never take my husband for granted. We are best friends and don't always give each other undivided attention but we are mostly cuddling and touching throughout the day. I think it's healthy to show affection and it sounds like you definitely need it. I hope you get through it or find a new life for yourself. And if the kids are making you stay then it would be healthier for them to see you in a relationship with someone who makes you happy than the one you're in now. Your marriage isn't setting a good example to them. They need to see you thriving and sharing a life with someone who wants the same as you

Hi. I think you're right I have created a situation where someone who needs me didn't need to try. But only because I like being that way, she's not manipulated me or anything. I've also totally let my social life go, I never ever go out n see some friends. It's interesting you mention about how depending on what's going on in your mind you might not be affectionate. It's become binary for me so even if she did try I'd reject it as a passing fad rather than a desire to be that way for me which is something I need to work on. On the female friends I'm totally terrified of falling for someone else where this gap exists. In the past she's objected to close female friendships so I'll need to be careful. I must say that outwardly I'm an expert at pretending things are ok so I'm not putting my kids through a bad parental situation. But you're right if that ever did happen I'd rather end it. My two are quite young so I'll watch out for it.
Thank you for replying, it's given me some things to think about.

Why is it that men only come here when they want advice on how to get their wives to have sex with them?
I just knew that’s what this was going to be before clicking the thread.

And why is always lenghts of a War & Peace?

Ps: no one is and no one thinks (not a healthy perso at least) anyone is evil for not having sex.
Do you actually think she is, why else would even write that? That’s very worrisome. Everyone is legally allowed to say not to sex.
Always.

Reddit not good enough

Flip side, why is it that when a man asks, he is demonised, but if a man isn't interested it's his fault and he's a closet homosexual, cheating, or my favourite, 'death grip'?

A partner not interesting in sex is an issue for both sexes.

I suggest you pull away as much as she has. Start focusing on yourself a bit more, go to the gym or take up an exercise you enjoy, get fit. Of course do your fair share at home, be present and carry on doing things with the kids. But match her level of affection, only respond to her dont initiate. if she doesnt touch you, dont touch her. Do the same thing to her over the foot rubs that she does to you. See Esther Perel's 'Mating in Captivity' you need to increase the tension. It will either work well enough or you'll know for sure the marriage is not working, and you'll be fit and clearer in your mind on what you want to do about it.

Thanks for reading and replying. It's always useful to get every perspective on this. Tbh sex is a part of this yes. But you've failed to comment on the main focus of my thread. I'm sorry I seem to have annoyed you or perhaps how I wrote this was clumsy as I honestly don't know why your reply is dealing with something I've not even mentioned; her saying no to sex. Also I clearly stated that she isn't a monster and is very loving in other ways. But as I said, thanks I am totally open to the idea that I'm being a prick. :)

I genuinely haven't thought about those points. I guess a happy balance. But I'm less interested in the sex angle. I fear I may have over promoted me wanting more sex, Ive obviously been clumsy in my writing.

She doesn't sound attracted to you. To be honest you sound a bit like a wet lettuce, as others have said stop being a loser, get a life, get some friends. Things will change, either for you or her, but either way it'll be better than just moping around waiting for her to do something.

You might be right. I'm quite needy I think so I've created a situation perhaps when I don't allow her to want to hold my hand or cuddle etc because I get in there first. Thanks for the reading idea, I'll check it out :)

Interesting screen name. Thanks for the advice.

@Husbandneedshelp in all honesty I think a lot of women would list what you provide as a wish list, foot rubs, affectionate, female pleasure first. I think your wife has got way too comfortable believing that you will always be there to use when she wants you. Her response to you feeling suicidal is so unbelievably cold I am in shock. Honestly this is no way to live, it is death by a hundred paper cuts. You could live another 40 years.

My advice to you is to book an appointment with a solicitor and see how the land lies in regard to house, pension etc. Work out what you could afford housing wise post divorce. Until you see a solicitor you don't know what your finances are going to be and you could be entitled to How old are your children? Thinking childcare funding etc. Being afraid of change or struggling financially should not be a barrier to leaving a loveless marriage. You could meet someone else and have a two income household. Plenty of divorced women on MN talk about their ex and his new wife. If possible the 50/50 split of having the children means no maintenance and is the starting point for child arrangement orders.

There are lots of threads on here from women who are treading water until the children hit secondary or leave home. They are in marriages that are not working and they are always told that leaving is the best thing. Eye rolling is a sign of contempt and your children may witness this. You don't want them thinking that this is how a relationship should be. Surely you would want them to be loved up and happy.

I know you came here looking for advice on your wife being more affectionate. I don't think she ever will be. She is comfortable with you providing financially and being there for the children. She will use you for foot rubs and satisfying her sexually whilst happy to not return any of these things. She doesn't even talk to you. She is done, she has checked out and you need to see that. It is incredibly sad but you deserve so much better.

You need to put yourself at least equal to your dw. You do not have to sacrifice your life for hers. And actually it’s a very unattractive trait.
In between being a dh and df go out and be an independent person with independent thoughts.
And you don’t have to give your dw a foot rub. Just say no and plonk her feet back on the floor.

Couples counselling, or divorce. Those are your realistic options.

Hi sorry I think I've been clumsy in describing what I want. It's not so much I want X Y Z n more wanting anything. A lot of replies here have helped me see that I'm really the major issue here. Which is what I want; not how can I get her to be more what I want but how can I cope with who she is. It's sad really, regretting posting this but appreciating the genuine advice like yours.

Hi,
Thanks I'm starting to see that being the way I am is a bit tragic and isn't attractive as you say. This has been really useful and exactly why I posted here, despite the unhelpful replies. Thanks again, appreciate you taking the time to help.

I have been in this situation but as a female, so I don’t think it’s fair to comment on the sex. It should be part of a healthy and meaningful relationship.

I felt so lonely and on my own, responsible for all life and work admin. I suggested counselling and raised my concerns time and time again, even made simple suggestions for him to show her cared. He has a million excuses but never changed so I left.

he then suggested counselling, told me I’d destroy our family and he would kill himself. He’s still very much alive and I have left, divorce opened my eyes to lots of deceit I had no idea about. I was so done, he’d made such a mug out of me.

now this may not be your situation but there does come a time when you have tried and tried and you do need to call it a day. Only you will know when that is

@Husbandneedshelp I would ask yourself why are you willing to settle for the crumbs she throws your way? Why put up with this behaviour from her? I agree, dump her feet on the floor. Find those friendships you had before, get out of the house. But I would be looking at yourself and wondering why you feel that this is all you are worth?

I suppose for me I am looking at this from a great marriage, almost 25 years, we give each other foot rubs, touch as we pass each other, a stroke on the arm or a kiss on the neck. We have great sex, we talk and laugh, share silly things we came across in the day etc. That is our definition of happy, it may not be anyone else's but God at least try to find happiness.

Stop thinking that marriage is until death. There is a reason that the law allows divorce. If you were my friend I would be telling you to at least explore options and that includes seeing a solicitor.

Sorry to be harsh, but it sounds like she’s not attracted to you.

Also…

She has also told me that if we split up she'd have no need for a man as she had no need for sex or male company.

This is a loud and clear message. Believe her and move on, you deserve happiness in your life, it’s not going to happen in these circumstances.

Hi,

Yes ignore the sex side; sorry it's not really the real issue here. I wrote this in haste...
Interesting angle, I guess our situations have similarity. But you raise an interesting point about what I said to her re suicide. I do regret it, it was a desperate moment for me but it is also a tactic used by men to control so I need to reflect on that. So glad you got your life sorted. I recon I still have a ways to go as a large part of this issue is me I think. Thanks again for sharing and for the reply. :)

Hi,
I think the why is linked to me being a bit wet as had been pointed out and just not wanting this to end. I'm not being down on myself I am a bit wet, can't change who you are.
But yes I think being somewhat focused on both our individual happiness and not just as a couple is great advice. Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees...

Agree with all of this.

Find out your options. I bet she is.

You might be right. She says she is. That sounds like my mum saying I'm the handsomest in the world. But yes that line you quoted carries more weight than I've thought about before. Thanks.

I wouldn't have taken your comment on suicide as a manipulation but an attempt to communicate how desperately unhappy you are. Her reply shows she has complete contempt for you.

She has little libido and doesn't want any man for sex. You have to accept what she says here.

If you really feel unable to leave, then in your case I would have an affair. In honestly sounds like your wife would not be bothered if you did.

I'm sure there are plenty of women who would love an affectionate and sexual relationship with a man in your situation. Try the married people's dating sites - though they are expensive to join. And you need to be able to afford hotels.