Husband needs advice

[Husbandneedshelp]

Hi,
I need advice (I'm 41 wife is 39). I'm not the kind of guy that talks about issues with my friends so this is a bit of an offload and I've genuinely never mentioned this to anyone. This might be wildly inappropriate for this site but I'm specifically wanting women's advice. The long and short of my relationship is a one way street when it comes to affection. I do want to state that she isn't a monster as I'm about to paint her as. Nor am I some perfect man. She is loving as best she can be and in ways other than affection I know she loves me. She just had no desire to do something affectionate to make me happy. Anything. She derives not pleasure from it.
It wasn't always like this, it started straight after we got married, before kids came along. It's everything from foot rubs etc all the way up to sex. I have tried to reduce the stress burden on her, I'm a v present dad, I am not abusive, mean or cruel. If anything I think I've made this worse by being so willing and such a loser. Gosh this makes me sound selfish already.
But I've essentially been friend zoned. She has a couple of male friends that she keeps on the hook because she knows they fancy her and that's essentially where I am. I shower her with praise, she tells me that I make her feel beautiful. She now has a very low stress job and her actual life is great. But no affection. I can go an entire evening and she'll not speak to me, her face is buried in her phone.
For example she will plonk her feet on me n she expects a foot rub... I feel the urge to be affectionate, to want to make her happy. I do the same and she kinda flinches. She might briefly touch them. I'll stand next to her and I'll want to touch her hand. In the car I want to touch her leg but she literally never does unless I ask and even then it's maybe for 10 seconds; I want and need to feel connected but any affection is asked for and short lived. The sex life has been bad (I think) for all this time as well now. When she is in the mood she expects certain things but when she's satisfied that's it, roll over and think of England and this happens once every over month at best. There is zero interest in pleasing me and, to quote her, what's on it for me?
She knows how this makes me feel. I feel like her mate. I've told her this but she isn't interested too much, she roles her eyes. It's got to the point I don't see the point in bothering talking to her. It's also v painful to try and be affectionate. I feel like We're mates and I fancy her but she's stringing me along. Its got so bad that I've become suicidal. I have been so for some time and I even have a plan. I told her fairly recently, and her response was that I should leave her and she told all her mates about how I'm "like this". I love my kids so so much and it's all that keeps me hanging on. I get so low I'm convinced they'll be better off without me and my life insurance is v good. She has also told me that if we split up she'd have no need for a man as she had no need for sex or male company.
Now I can't afford divorce. We barely get by now, we're not in the bread line but we have no spare money. As it is I do loads of overtime to make ends meet. I have considered an affair. But I just can't get past the thought. But I need to feel wanted. To feel loved. I'm probably too needy but I don't expect that much. Just something.
My question is has anyone else faced this and what solution did they use? Thinking about getting a hobby to throw myself at in the evenings but I want to be at home in case my kids need me. I feel trapped. I need to prepare myself for this life and to get through it with all much happiness as I can derive and make my family happy.

Hi. You might be right. I don't know. The kids are happy and I think she is happy. Maybe I need to get over myself. But an exit strategy is something I need to think about...

wheres the sensitivity and why the sexism? Unless people are asexual, nobody wants to sign up for a sexless marriage devoid of affection. If someone thinks wearing a ring means the other person should still around like flatmates, they’re the one with the problem. If someone doesn’t want closeness, why marry someone!

I've enjoyed most of the replies on this, I can't reply to everyone as everyone is kinda saying the same thing. But yes some replies are now useful than others.

You say you’ve considered an affair. It’s understandable in a way, but having an affair, or a new partner, isn’t going to necessarily make you happy. It isn’t other people’s job to make you happy. It’s your job to make yourself happy.

You sound a lot like my ex husband. As he stopped socialising and stopped his hobby’s he became totally dependent on me emotionally. I had small children, and even if I wanted to I could not have met all his needs. It wasn’t nice and it wasn’t fair and I resented it.

He knew why I didn’t find him attractive anymore. He made no attempts to fix those issues and instead pressured me to pretend to be attracted and pretend to be affectionate. He whined about hugs and affection like a small child and I felt like his mother. Incidentally he had several affairs and they didn’t make him happy either.

You need some hobby’s. You need to socialise with friends. You need to stop expecting her to meet all your needs. Because if you do divorce, the majority of women will not want to date someone with no social life and no hobbies.

So the issue will need to be fixed either way.

Hi. When I say I've thought about it I meant in the lowest times rather than just as a solution. Its not something I'm seeking.
I think it's fair enough if she's not attracted to me anymore and it's something I could fix, or could have, then this situation is no big shock really. Thanks for the reply, I appreciate your experiences.

Could it be hormonal? I actually could have written your post myself... although I have to admit, given how long they are, I haven't read them all so maybe this has been said!

My wife has thyroid imbalances and has zero sex drive... Probably once every two months, which I have to live with. Maybe something to look into? - she has a vicious temper and will pick fights with even the most basic (e.g. how's work?) questions, with the flip side being depression (suicidal attempts). Once her medication was properly 'calibrated', she was at least tolerable, and sex at least existed.

That's interesting I hadn't thought about it. Tbh it's not really the sex that is the issue. I think she is quite happy really and she isn't one to get angry.

If you want true love - get a dog.

Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting affection! And if someone feels rejected over and over it can certainly be depressing.

Until the issue with your wife improves, why not consider getting close to the other people in your life? Do you have family close by? Can you stop by your mum's for a big hug? Close friends to meet with to catch up? Place of worship? Volunteering or hobbies?

Sometimes in relationships we can focus too much on getting our needs met by just one person. You can still make positive connections with other people.

@Husbandneedshelp i don’t think you sound wet, I think you sound desperately unhappy and stuck in an affectionless marriage. I really feel for you! As hard as it might be I think you need to take your wife off of the pedestal she is on and actually focus on doing things that make YOU feel good. As pp have said, divorce doesn’t need to happen straight away, but I’d seriously consider saving up to do just that. Life is too short to be so unhappy, and I know I couldn’t live in a situation where someone flinched if I touched them or didn’t even want a cuddle. Put yourself and your kids first, and if your wife cannot bring herself to take you seriously when you communicate your feelings to her, then you need to end the relationship. I hope you find someone that makes you happy OP!

They're so tiresome.

I don't think I've ever seen a guy on here who hasn't asked about his dick. It's clearly all that matters.

I think more than sex in itself, it's affection that is lacking, and as sex is part of romantic affection, sex is also relevant. So no, you're not a selfish git for wanting affection or sex. Being able to give and receive affection from a loved one is necessary for positive human well-being.

You've been trying by tending to her when she wants affection, also by communicating your needs and your feelings, and specifying how her actions are affecting you. These are good methods you're using.

I'm very surprised that she still didn't seem to care even when you told her this situation has got so bad that it is making you feel suicidal. I'm so sorry that she's being so cold to you.

I understand that divorce would too financially difficult for you right now. I would suggest you seek counselling for yourself, and also try to fill your time with other things like hobbies or going out with friends (while still being at home or close by for your kids' sake as you said). I'm not saying this to suggest anything unflattering about you as other unkind PP's have said - you're not sad or boring or whatever insult they want to come up with. The reason filling your time more would help you is by helping you have balance with other things in your life, and also by making you less available to your wife. I'm not sure if you're expecting her to notice your absence or not, but try it out and see.

With these activities, you might find your self-esteem building up more again, and you'll find more ways to get through this situation, and not feel so low about yourself.

I'm certain that your kids want you in their life a lot more than any money pot life insurance can give them. You are valuable and you matter.

Wishing you the best ☀️

I don’t wish to sound unkind op, as your dw doesn’t seem to be acting very well here, especially with regard to her having friends of the opposite sex herself, but not allowing you the same, which is obviously hypocritical and unfair!

And the eye rolling sounds awful so you have my sympathy.

But acting as devil’s advocate for a moment, in terms of your relationship dynamic, how much do you take the initiative at home and with the dc? You say you are a very present father but do you take charge of things without referring to your wife or does she have to tell you what to do all of the time?

Are you ever spontaneous? Do you decide to take the dc out on your own at the weekend? Do you ever plan and book a babysitter and arrange surprise evenings out? Do you arrange holidays?

You say you try and make your wife’s life easier so apologies if these questions are way off base.

The reason I ask is that it’s quite common for wives to feel like they have to “manage” their dhs, which can get very wearying from their pov, especially when she’s already managing children and a household and if she has to mother you too that totally destroys sexual attraction. and affection.

I agree with pp who suggested looking at Esther Perel’s books and videos.

This may not be the case at all in your marriage but you’ve said you were happy to stay in this relationship where your dw is treating you unkindly and the effort is all one way, which sounds incredibly passive.

Perhaps it might be a good idea to explore with a therapist why your self esteem is so low that the dynamic between you and your dw has developed this way?

I know my husband sometimes finds me a bit cold and distant, and feels rejected by me. My side of that is, that when he's going through a needy phase, following me around with sad eyes and saying things like "you're nicer to the dog than you are to me", it honestly just turns me right off. I feel smothered, emotionally and physically, and need to get away from him.

On the other hand, when he's busy, happy and isn't looking to me to provide all his emotional support,then I feel like we're on an equal footing and I respect and fancy him more.
Maybe I'm just a bit of a cow, but being showered with (physical) affection I haven't asked for at that moment, then being made to feel guilty for not offering the same, is just an annoyance. I show my love in other, caring ways that he doesn't always recognise. But we work this stuff out as a couple because we're good at communicating when things go off track.

Christ Almighty some of these replies are disgusting.

Op has reached out for help when he is in emotional distress and so many have basically given him a good kicking for good measure. Bunch of bastards! He's suicidal for fucks sake!

This is not a good place for you Op. You've had some kind responses but the damage done from the others is awful.

You can find happiness with someone else.

Call the Samaritans please! Make an appointment with your GP. When you are feeling stronger see a solicitor.

Your life matters. Your feelings matter. Your happiness matters.

Hi, it would be fair to say she does more than I do generally as she works two days and I do 5. But no I do get stuck in and we do team work very well; I'm never sat down whilst she's doing stuff and visa versa. I do try to avoid being a third child at much as I can. Holiday planning is very much a joint venture. Date nights are hard to come by. My spontaneity comes with treats; when the kids are out at parties or with friends I sort out a walk, get in a little picnic or cook her fav dinner that kind of thing. Weekends with her fav breakfast... not all the time but hopefully enough. genuinely in reading these replies I think I need to get over myself a bit. I'm not a moping sad sack and I don't want to turn in to one!
Thanks for replying :)

Hi! I totally resonate with what you say and I think the same could be said for me; I can make little comments feeling sorry for myself. This thread has helped me quite a lot figure out how I can be a better hubby which was the aim really. Thanks ;)

Ha stone have been genuinely unhelpful but some tough love in here as well. I think before I move on I need to try being less of a needy little puppy and a bit more independent and figure out how to love her like I need to (by showing affection etc) whilst not being needy. If I can't do that then I have done choices to make. Thanks for your help :)

Op you need to recognise your right to happiness. Please don't make yourself smaller to live with the crumbs thrown your way. Please just don't.

You are still young enough to have a full and happy relationship with someone who meets your needs. Someone who IS attracted to you, affectionate, warm and loving. These are the basics in a good relationship.

Hi. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who offered some advise. It's really made me think. I am just a man and this has made me realise my dissatisfaction with my wife was actually dissatisfaction with my relationship and my place in it. I am an equal partner in that. Its v early days but I have started making changes to my attitude towards it. Not to do with how I act as if I stop being affectionate that will be a punishment and not fair but more towards how I'm, as some of you rightly pointed out, a little lost puppy and a bit wet by demanding attention. I'm trying to be more assertive and less passive aggressive. Hopefully less pathetic. If I think I've sorted that and got some time for each of us to be our own person, maybe there will be space for change. Who knows.