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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband needs advice

70 replies

Husbandneedshelp · 20/09/2023 11:26

Hi,
I need advice (I'm 41 wife is 39). I'm not the kind of guy that talks about issues with my friends so this is a bit of an offload and I've genuinely never mentioned this to anyone. This might be wildly inappropriate for this site but I'm specifically wanting women's advice. The long and short of my relationship is a one way street when it comes to affection. I do want to state that she isn't a monster as I'm about to paint her as. Nor am I some perfect man. She is loving as best she can be and in ways other than affection I know she loves me. She just had no desire to do something affectionate to make me happy. Anything. She derives not pleasure from it.
It wasn't always like this, it started straight after we got married, before kids came along. It's everything from foot rubs etc all the way up to sex. I have tried to reduce the stress burden on her, I'm a v present dad, I am not abusive, mean or cruel. If anything I think I've made this worse by being so willing and such a loser. Gosh this makes me sound selfish already.
But I've essentially been friend zoned. She has a couple of male friends that she keeps on the hook because she knows they fancy her and that's essentially where I am. I shower her with praise, she tells me that I make her feel beautiful. She now has a very low stress job and her actual life is great. But no affection. I can go an entire evening and she'll not speak to me, her face is buried in her phone.
For example she will plonk her feet on me n she expects a foot rub... I feel the urge to be affectionate, to want to make her happy. I do the same and she kinda flinches. She might briefly touch them. I'll stand next to her and I'll want to touch her hand. In the car I want to touch her leg but she literally never does unless I ask and even then it's maybe for 10 seconds; I want and need to feel connected but any affection is asked for and short lived. The sex life has been bad (I think) for all this time as well now. When she is in the mood she expects certain things but when she's satisfied that's it, roll over and think of England and this happens once every over month at best. There is zero interest in pleasing me and, to quote her, what's on it for me?
She knows how this makes me feel. I feel like her mate. I've told her this but she isn't interested too much, she roles her eyes. It's got to the point I don't see the point in bothering talking to her. It's also v painful to try and be affectionate. I feel like We're mates and I fancy her but she's stringing me along. Its got so bad that I've become suicidal. I have been so for some time and I even have a plan. I told her fairly recently, and her response was that I should leave her and she told all her mates about how I'm "like this". I love my kids so so much and it's all that keeps me hanging on. I get so low I'm convinced they'll be better off without me and my life insurance is v good. She has also told me that if we split up she'd have no need for a man as she had no need for sex or male company.
Now I can't afford divorce. We barely get by now, we're not in the bread line but we have no spare money. As it is I do loads of overtime to make ends meet. I have considered an affair. But I just can't get past the thought. But I need to feel wanted. To feel loved. I'm probably too needy but I don't expect that much. Just something.
My question is has anyone else faced this and what solution did they use? Thinking about getting a hobby to throw myself at in the evenings but I want to be at home in case my kids need me. I feel trapped. I need to prepare myself for this life and to get through it with all much happiness as I can derive and make my family happy.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/09/2023 14:34

It doesn’t sound like she wants to change so you should start thinking about divorce

Frogger8395 · 20/09/2023 14:36

If you genuinely feel suicidal you speak to your gp. You don’t dump it on your wife. I think you’ve been very manipulative. No woman wants to fuck a suicidal man.

GangOfNineteenWuds · 20/09/2023 14:36

You yourself said "But I need to feel wanted. To feel loved." you are not going to get that from her. You have said you don't have friends you can talk to about this, well as a random woman on the internet, you deserve better, you deserve love and happiness. You haven't got that in this situation. So look at options of getting out of it. Stop being afraid of the future.

"In the past she's objected to close female friendships" probably worried you might realise there is someone out there for you and it gives you options.

Frogger8395 · 20/09/2023 14:40

You don’t go out. You don’t see friends. It’s now on your wife to meet all your needs and that’s very unattractive.

Original poster
Husbandneedshelp · 20/09/2023 14:42

online6549 · 20/09/2023 14:32

I wouldn't have taken your comment on suicide as a manipulation but an attempt to communicate how desperately unhappy you are. Her reply shows she has complete contempt for you.

She has little libido and doesn't want any man for sex. You have to accept what she says here.

If you really feel unable to leave, then in your case I would have an affair. In honestly sounds like your wife would not be bothered if you did.

I'm sure there are plenty of women who would love an affectionate and sexual relationship with a man in your situation. Try the married people's dating sites - though they are expensive to join. And you need to be able to afford hotels.

I agree she had no labido and I guess she's is the opposite boat to me but the same issue. Tbh I could live with the love life we have now but not the affection.
I know what you're saying. I think an emotional affair is what might happen, I guess it's no different to what she is doing. Thanks, I appreciate it

OP posts:
LassoAnita · 20/09/2023 14:55

Have you ever read about love languages? Its a bit cliche but thought provoking. You are showing her love in the way you wish to be shown it, maybe it will give you insight or could prompt a discussion.
I agree you need to focus a bit on yourself + go out on your own. The way I see it, if you actually want to try to stay in this relationship, you need to find somewhere else to get the feeling of worth you are not getting from your partner. That doesn't have to be from female company, the banter + jokes from seeing friends could be enough.
But also its worth remember that some people fall out of love but are too scared of the hassle of ending it, so they disengage emotionally + physically.

gamerchick · 20/09/2023 14:57

Your sadness is almost palpable OP.

Thing is, you're flogging a dead horse here. If you're at the point of wanting to top yourself then you need to split up, sort out the financials and contact and get on with your life. She's never going to meet your needs and your kids would prefer their dad alive and in a different house.

Go and see a solicitor and find out what you need to do. Divorce and all that can come later, once you're settled.

Oldthyme · 20/09/2023 15:00

I bet that if you have any kind of affair, be it emotional or otherwise, all hell will break loose. She might be very dog in the manger about it, whatever she’s told you. I don’t want him but I don’t want anyone else having him!

By all means start going out a bit, join the gym etc but I bet as soon
as you do her antennae will go up and she’ll be checking your phone. She’ll then paint herself as the victim. Keep yourself squeaky clean but maybe if you develop other interests which relax your mind and offer distraction it will help you find a way forward with greater clarity? (If she shows interest in your new activities, offer to include her.)

As others have suggested, you may also want to seek legal advice? Knowledge is power.
Good luck OP. I wish you well.

Duckingella · 20/09/2023 15:05

If my husband had female friends he keeps on the hook because he knows they fancy him I'd be packing his bags and launching them and him out of the door.

I'd consider that disrespectful to me and our marriage and also disrespected to those friends and their friendships.

Original poster
Husbandneedshelp · 20/09/2023 15:13

LassoAnita · 20/09/2023 14:55

Have you ever read about love languages? Its a bit cliche but thought provoking. You are showing her love in the way you wish to be shown it, maybe it will give you insight or could prompt a discussion.
I agree you need to focus a bit on yourself + go out on your own. The way I see it, if you actually want to try to stay in this relationship, you need to find somewhere else to get the feeling of worth you are not getting from your partner. That doesn't have to be from female company, the banter + jokes from seeing friends could be enough.
But also its worth remember that some people fall out of love but are too scared of the hassle of ending it, so they disengage emotionally + physically.

Hi, you know I'm getting the sense I'm emotionally immature when it comes to this. It seems obvious when people reply suggesting I could improve things for both of us like you and others have. And yes, I agree getting a life, as it were, would help plug the gaps. My ultimate aim is to stay married if I can and this has been very helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Husbandneedshelp · 20/09/2023 15:15

gamerchick · 20/09/2023 14:57

Your sadness is almost palpable OP.

Thing is, you're flogging a dead horse here. If you're at the point of wanting to top yourself then you need to split up, sort out the financials and contact and get on with your life. She's never going to meet your needs and your kids would prefer their dad alive and in a different house.

Go and see a solicitor and find out what you need to do. Divorce and all that can come later, once you're settled.

Hi. I think you're right I need to get more in the know about my situation before I consider the future. Thanks

OP posts:
Kat19899 · 20/09/2023 15:51

GangOfNineteenWuds · 20/09/2023 14:02

@Husbandneedshelp in all honesty I think a lot of women would list what you provide as a wish list, foot rubs, affectionate, female pleasure first. I think your wife has got way too comfortable believing that you will always be there to use when she wants you. Her response to you feeling suicidal is so unbelievably cold I am in shock. Honestly this is no way to live, it is death by a hundred paper cuts. You could live another 40 years.

My advice to you is to book an appointment with a solicitor and see how the land lies in regard to house, pension etc. Work out what you could afford housing wise post divorce. Until you see a solicitor you don't know what your finances are going to be and you could be entitled to How old are your children? Thinking childcare funding etc. Being afraid of change or struggling financially should not be a barrier to leaving a loveless marriage. You could meet someone else and have a two income household. Plenty of divorced women on MN talk about their ex and his new wife. If possible the 50/50 split of having the children means no maintenance and is the starting point for child arrangement orders.

There are lots of threads on here from women who are treading water until the children hit secondary or leave home. They are in marriages that are not working and they are always told that leaving is the best thing. Eye rolling is a sign of contempt and your children may witness this. You don't want them thinking that this is how a relationship should be. Surely you would want them to be loved up and happy.

I know you came here looking for advice on your wife being more affectionate. I don't think she ever will be. She is comfortable with you providing financially and being there for the children. She will use you for foot rubs and satisfying her sexually whilst happy to not return any of these things. She doesn't even talk to you. She is done, she has checked out and you need to see that. It is incredibly sad but you deserve so much better.

I agree with this, I’m so sorry but I think you may need to start thinking that you might be happier without your wife. First I would work hard on my self esteem by seeing a therapist, getting hobbies and going out with friends. Do this while you make plans for your exit and you will be in a great place to face a new chapter of your life – eventually with someone who gives as much as you do. I’m sorry you are in this situation with such a cold person, and also sorry that some posters haven’t been very kind despite knowing how low you are feeling

Kat19899 · 20/09/2023 15:55

Please have a look for a therapist or speak to your GP before doing anything else, you have made a plan which shows how much you are hurting. Your life and mental health are the most important things right now ❤️. You can also call Samaritans on 116 123 if need to talk anytime

Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 16:19

It sounds like attraction has gone for her. Nothing to be embarrassed about, it happens in lots of long term relationships.

If you (quite understandably) want more from a relationship (including partner not burying nose in phone all evening), you probably need to find it elsewhere (I mean the honest way, by leaving - not an affair!).

Thisistyresome · 20/09/2023 17:02

Well you have made yourself very dull and unattractive. You also haven’t said how old your kids are.

First of all you need to stop assuming that you can’t afford a divorce. It may be your only option as your wife doesn’t see the need to change, it may not be your choice. Work out how it would work if you did divorce. Have a plan.

As for:
“a couple of male friends that she keeps on the hook because she knows they fancy her”
Your wife has a couple of “back up plans” that she lets you know about? In those circumstances I would not be so sure that they are actually back up plans. Also, she is bad mouthing you to all her friends? She has lost all respect for you.
Also:
“She has also told me that if we split up she'd have no need for a man as she had no need for sex or male company.”
Then why is she keeping some guys hanging around, she appears to need the attention of at least three men.

Prepare for the divorce, it is probably more likely than not now, but in the mean time get out and find hobbies meet people and become more interesting. Your kids will say if they need you and if there is an emergency we have mobile phones these days. There is a slim chance that it may help, but if it doesn’t friends made through hobbies not connected to your wife will be a blessing when you divorce.

Thisistyresome · 20/09/2023 17:05

Duckingella · 20/09/2023 15:05

If my husband had female friends he keeps on the hook because he knows they fancy him I'd be packing his bags and launching them and him out of the door.

I'd consider that disrespectful to me and our marriage and also disrespected to those friends and their friendships.

This.

Also, the bad mouthing him to all her friends. If things were to improve she has set an image of him in the minds of people she interacts with regularly, and probably interact with him occasionally.

Original poster
Husbandneedshelp · 20/09/2023 17:27

Thisistyresome · 20/09/2023 17:02

Well you have made yourself very dull and unattractive. You also haven’t said how old your kids are.

First of all you need to stop assuming that you can’t afford a divorce. It may be your only option as your wife doesn’t see the need to change, it may not be your choice. Work out how it would work if you did divorce. Have a plan.

As for:
“a couple of male friends that she keeps on the hook because she knows they fancy her”
Your wife has a couple of “back up plans” that she lets you know about? In those circumstances I would not be so sure that they are actually back up plans. Also, she is bad mouthing you to all her friends? She has lost all respect for you.
Also:
“She has also told me that if we split up she'd have no need for a man as she had no need for sex or male company.”
Then why is she keeping some guys hanging around, she appears to need the attention of at least three men.

Prepare for the divorce, it is probably more likely than not now, but in the mean time get out and find hobbies meet people and become more interesting. Your kids will say if they need you and if there is an emergency we have mobile phones these days. There is a slim chance that it may help, but if it doesn’t friends made through hobbies not connected to your wife will be a blessing when you divorce.

Why don't you tell me what you really think! Well I appreciate your candid response.

OP posts:
Purpleraiin · 20/09/2023 17:32

Apart from the kids and being married, I could have read that and thought it was my partner writing about me. I don't Evan know what to say as I know I'm making my partner feel exactly the same as you, and I see how much it hurts him so I'm genuinely sorry you are also finding yourself in this situation

DixonD · 20/09/2023 17:58

Husbandneedshelp · 20/09/2023 13:41

I genuinely haven't thought about those points. I guess a happy balance. But I'm less interested in the sex angle. I fear I may have over promoted me wanting more sex, Ive obviously been clumsy in my writing.

You haven’t. You’ve barely mentioned it.

myNewName21 · 20/09/2023 18:06

Mistressanne · 20/09/2023 14:06

You need to put yourself at least equal to your dw. You do not have to sacrifice your life for hers. And actually it’s a very unattractive trait.
In between being a dh and df go out and be an independent person with independent thoughts.
And you don’t have to give your dw a foot rub. Just say no and plonk her feet back on the floor.

100% this ,
get out more, build your own life and dump the wife. ( maybe)

Original poster
Husbandneedshelp · 20/09/2023 18:12

Purpleraiin · 20/09/2023 17:32

Apart from the kids and being married, I could have read that and thought it was my partner writing about me. I don't Evan know what to say as I know I'm making my partner feel exactly the same as you, and I see how much it hurts him so I'm genuinely sorry you are also finding yourself in this situation

Wow that was unexpected. Just out of interest do you ever think of he's not happy with who you are then that's his problem? Part of me thinks that's a genuine way for my wife to feel but then I think the reverse is also true.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 20/09/2023 18:43

Life is too short to spend with people who make you feel less than. I bet you could find a lovely woman who could make you feel a million dollars. Personally I'd look at divorcing.

honkersbonkers38 · 20/09/2023 18:56

See a solicitor. Find out where you stand. You need a home - ideally one where you can have your kids. Your marriage is over. Wife is hanging on on there as it's easy.
Plan exit strategy but don't tell her. Once you've thought about what you could afford, where you want to live and how you could see/ care for your kids then leave. You don't ned a reason - just that the marriage has broken down. Put your children first.
Then focus on being yourself. (Gym, friends, hobbies, more work, new job - whatever works). Here's to the next twenty years!

Weatherwax13 · 20/09/2023 19:14

I would suggest two things: get yourself into therapy and see a solicitor. You'll be in a stronger place to make a decision. Don't go on sleepwalking through your life.

HarrietStyles · 20/09/2023 19:15

That sounds like sad existence OP. Firstly if you genuinely have suicidal thoughts - call the Samaritans or your GP. Secondly you need to sit your wife down and have a serious chat - if you both want to attempt to save the marriage then you both need to talk very openly about what is and isn’t working for you. Try set aside an afternoon when someone else can have the kids out of the house and you can have some really honest conversations. Either you both do everything you can to make each other happier…….. or you plan to walk away. You absolutely cannot just bumble along as you are - sounds like you and wife and miserable and the kids will end up the same way. 99% of people can’t afford a divorce, but such is life, sometimes it’s the only option. Try to think about a few years down the line - do you (A) want to be exactly the same as you are now? (B) With your wife but you have both worked hard to get back to the love you used to have? (C) You are divorced, co-parenting, live in a smaller place and working on yourself, doing things to make yourself happier, meeting new people?