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Original poster

Male friend dumped me out of the blue. I'm upset

65 replies

pussinboots61 · 20/09/2023 09:38

I've had this male friend for seven years now. I say friend but it has gone further. Neither of us have wanted a relationship. We've always got on and had a good laugh. He's a good honest man but has never wanted to do more than meet me in town for a coffee and go back to my flat, usually for sex. I go in the coffee shop anyway and go on my laptop and he comes to me but he's usually late. He buys me a coffee but never buys himself one and brings his own free one from the bookies

Anyway for a while now I've been putting him off coming back to my flat and he's not been happy about it but we've still been meeting and he's been constantly ringing me, sometimes too much.

So last night he rang me and we had the usual banter when suddenly he ended our friendship because he feels I don't want him in my flat anymore.

I feel really gutted and upset. My mental health is not good at the moment anyway and I now wonder if I've been too harsh with him. I don't know what to do now. Any advice please.

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 20/09/2023 09:40

He's probably met someone else, I'm sorry. I think he might have been using you a bit.

PansyPolly · 20/09/2023 09:43

Why did you stop inviting him back to your flat for sex (you absolutely had every right to stop, but did you discuss it with him?)

DuploTrain · 20/09/2023 09:43

I’m not sure how you’ve been too harsh? Do you mean that you’re harsh because you’ve stopped having sex with him?

It does seem obvious from the outside that now you’re not having sex with him he’s not interested in maintaining a friendship.

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 09:44

He was a FWB and this has ended in a messy way as they often do.

He is definitely using you because if he was genuinely your friend he would be ok with the fact you are no longer having sex with him.

The fact he has ended things shows he ceased to see you as a friend and seen you merely as a FB.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he has done this so you invite him back to the flat (for sex).

PansyPolly · 20/09/2023 09:46

I have a couple of fuck buddies. If I entirely wanted to stop having sex with them, I would expect to have a discussion about it and a decision about whether we would carry on meeting as friends. Off the top of my head, I think one would, and one wouldn’t.

But if I didn’t have that discussion and turned up a few times and just said no to going to their flats with it otherwise talking about it, I would expect them to get confused as to the situation.

PansyPolly · 20/09/2023 09:47

And with both of my FBs, we do meet just for a drink sometimes, but we are clear that is what we are doing that day ahead of time.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/09/2023 09:48

He's probably trying to pressure you to start up the benefits side of your friendship again. Don't feel pressured and give in. He is not a genuine friend and I think you're better off looking elsewhere for your friendship.

gannett · 20/09/2023 09:48

suddenly he ended our friendship because he feels I don't want him in my flat anymore

From what you've written, it seems logical that he feels that.

It was a FWB situation, neither of you seem to have communicated what you wanted well, you stopped inviting him back and he took the hint. He's taking your lead surely.

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 09:49

It sounds like they were friends first who progressed to FWB. IMO you really don’t need to give a FWB a reason for why you want to go back to just being friends (without the sex) . No discussion necessary. But if he wanted to know he could’ve asked no doubt rather than throw the whole friendship away.

If a FWB doesn’t want to hang out with you without sex in my opinion they were never really a friend.

Quitelikeit · 20/09/2023 09:49

Depends - does he want to come to your flat for sex only? Have you tired of the arrangement? If so tell him?

Why is he so tight with the coffee? Although he buys you one in the hope you’ll take him home 🤮

Beamur · 20/09/2023 09:52

He's not really your friend..it sounds like it's really become about sex and is now a bit confusing and transactional.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/09/2023 09:56

He comes from the bookies with his own drink?
Ide knock him on the head for that alone
He's a gambling addict possibly and using you for a shag, because you didn't this time he strops off
He was never your friend, you can do better lovely

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 09:57

Say something like “ I really enjoyed our friendship and coffee meet-ups, but I no longer want to have sex with you. If that means you don’t want any type of friendships with me and there will be no catch ups over coffee, that is your decision. ”

Plusque · 20/09/2023 09:57

It sounds like a relationship where the lines are unhelpfully blurred — were you platonic friends before you started sleeping together? Did you talk about what you wanted from one another? What made you stop wanting to have sex with him, and did you tell him you wanted to end that side of things?

And not sure I like the sound of him. He’s continually late to meet you, brings his own free coffee to a café, and never wants to do anything but go back to yours to have sex, and has dumped you now you’ve stopped wanting that…?

PansyPolly · 20/09/2023 09:59

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 09:49

It sounds like they were friends first who progressed to FWB. IMO you really don’t need to give a FWB a reason for why you want to go back to just being friends (without the sex) . No discussion necessary. But if he wanted to know he could’ve asked no doubt rather than throw the whole friendship away.

If a FWB doesn’t want to hang out with you without sex in my opinion they were never really a friend.

Edited

She doesn’t need a reason other than “this is what I want now” but I do think she needs to say something.

Whataretheodds · 20/09/2023 10:03

You didn't want to sleep with him any more, so he didn't want to see you any more. What makes you think you've been harsh?

Whataretheodds · 20/09/2023 10:05

If a FWB doesn’t want to hang out with you without sex in my opinion they were never really a friend

I think it depends on how/if feelings developed - I might decide I can't go back to being just friends (hearing about their dates, meeting a new girlfriend) straight away if I'd been shagging someone. I wouldn't plan it that way but it is what it is.

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 10:08

Whataretheodds · 20/09/2023 10:05

If a FWB doesn’t want to hang out with you without sex in my opinion they were never really a friend

I think it depends on how/if feelings developed - I might decide I can't go back to being just friends (hearing about their dates, meeting a new girlfriend) straight away if I'd been shagging someone. I wouldn't plan it that way but it is what it is.

that’s a fair point actually. I’d hope for sensitivity on both sides regarding discussing new romantic connections.

It can all get so messy.

This is partly why I don’t have FWB - I value my male friends too much.

SheIIy · 20/09/2023 10:10

This guy was never your friend. He hung around for sex.

Move on and forget him. Invest in other friendships and I'd suggest not getting into an arrangement like this again.

That's the only advice anyone can give.

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 10:11

PansyPolly · 20/09/2023 09:59

She doesn’t need a reason other than “this is what I want now” but I do think she needs to say something.

Show quote history

Yeah I did suggest in another post that OP should clearly state their wishes about not having sex for setting boundaries if nothing else.

If he chooses to walk away that’s his right too.

FrippEnos · 20/09/2023 10:11

Anothagoatthis

If a FWB doesn’t want to hang out with you without sex in my opinion they were never really a friend

Surely if they were friends the OP would also be taking about why she no longer wants to sleep with him and just wants to be friends.

Aposterhasnoname · 20/09/2023 10:11

He was only ever interested in the sex. You’re well rid of him.

ClearThisUp · 20/09/2023 10:14

Friends don’t have sex with each other.
You were a hole to stick it into for awhile, sounds like he found someone else, for a real relationship or another fool, who knows, but he found someone else to stick it into.

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 10:16

FrippEnos · 20/09/2023 10:11

Anothagoatthis

If a FWB doesn’t want to hang out with you without sex in my opinion they were never really a friend

Surely if they were friends the OP would also be taking about why she no longer wants to sleep with him and just wants to be friends.

No I disagree. I think with FWB both sides don’t really have a right to know why the other has stopped having sex. I assume there was no grand discussion before they fell into bed and same should apply if one side wants to end it.

It’s not a situation I’d be happy with either way tbh and one reason for this is because in FWB set ups neither side really has a responsibility to the other beyond safe sex.

Plusque · 20/09/2023 10:22

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 10:16

No I disagree. I think with FWB both sides don’t really have a right to know why the other has stopped having sex. I assume there was no grand discussion before they fell into bed and same should apply if one side wants to end it.

It’s not a situation I’d be happy with either way tbh and one reason for this is because in FWB set ups neither side really has a responsibility to the other beyond safe sex.

Show quote history

Not in my experience, but the F bit was always well-established before the WB bit got started, so it was not a relationship formed for the purpose of NSA sex, which is equally fine, but a different thing. In a situation where there is a friendship you value and would like to continue, regardless of sex, then I think you owe a FWB the same courtesy you would owe to a friend you had a regular commitment to playing tennis together — if you want to stop playing tennis with them, you explain.