Male friend dumped me out of the blue. I'm upset

[pussinboots61]

I've had this male friend for seven years now. I say friend but it has gone further. Neither of us have wanted a relationship. We've always got on and had a good laugh. He's a good honest man but has never wanted to do more than meet me in town for a coffee and go back to my flat, usually for sex. I go in the coffee shop anyway and go on my laptop and he comes to me but he's usually late. He buys me a coffee but never buys himself one and brings his own free one from the bookies

Anyway for a while now I've been putting him off coming back to my flat and he's not been happy about it but we've still been meeting and he's been constantly ringing me, sometimes too much.

So last night he rang me and we had the usual banter when suddenly he ended our friendship because he feels I don't want him in my flat anymore.

I feel really gutted and upset. My mental health is not good at the moment anyway and I now wonder if I've been too harsh with him. I don't know what to do now. Any advice please.

He could also has been sleeping with at least one other woman all along . A lot of people have multiple “FWB” so when one falls off they just focus on the remaining one (s)

I agree it’s a mess, friends having sex usually ends up chaotically.

If he doesn't want to be your friend without sex then he is not a friend.
He makes you wait around, brings his own coffee & wants to hurry back for sex?
You are worth more than this.
It will be upsetting but in the long run better for your MH if you stop seeing him.

If you don't want to sleep with him, then of course you're right to not invite him back. You are not a sex toy! Sounds like he's not interpreted in friendship, just sex. He's trying to make you give in. Just say, that's a shame because I enjoyed our friendship, but don't want to have sex anymore. Leave it at that.

I think your mistake was not to be direct with him and say that you liked him but that the current way your friendship was operating, whilst it had been fun, was no longer working for you and say why.

It sounds like you do want a relationship with him because otherwise the sex wouldn't have been a problem.

If your mental health isn't great then you may have missed the boat here because re-opening it now may just lead to more rejection. It is still an option though to tell him what the issue was but you would need to be clear about it yourself first so that you can express it to him - what was the problem?

that you now felt used when you hadn't before
that you wanted to do more "stuff" together
that the coffee + back to your flat for sex was boring/no longer interesting
that you in fact wanted a relationship now

Personally, I'd leave it alone because if he really liked you, he'd have tried harder so reopening it is not going to probably yield anything positive.

Chalk it up to experience and next time be a bit more direct about what your issue is.

Thank for all your messages. I don't know if we were friends with benefits or not. We started off as good friends and both said we didn't want anything serious and then one night at my flat he tried it on and it went from there.

When I moved into the flat where I now live he decorated it for me and just charged me mates rates so he has done things for me. But he never wanted to go anywhere with me, like a meal, days out etc. He once visited me on an Easter Monday when it was sunny and warm and I suggested us going out somewhere but all he wanted to do was have sex in my flat.

Then lockdown happened and he couldn't come over to my flat anyway. But when the rules started to lift and we could meet people in outside venues and not at home I met him for a coffee and he kept pestering to go to my flat and I said no and he walked off in a huff. That didn't bother me as I saw it as him just spitting his dummy out, I left him be and he rang me a week later as if nothing had happened.

Last night however seemed final. I don't know where it came from as nothing had been mentioned about him coming to my flat at the weekend, he was just chatting and laughing and joking with me and then suddenly it came out of the blue, which makes me wonder if it was a spur of the moment thing.

I can't contact him as there is something wrong with his phone and it keeps going onto voicemail when you ring, he also doesn't receive texts, he's not on Facebook. He lives at the other side of the city to me so I don't want to go over to his house incase he's not in when I get there. I don't even know why I'm thinking like this, maybe I am feeling a bit guilty, as if I should have let him to come to my flat. I don't know what to think.

Aww I'm sorry. It does sound like he was only interested in sex and not your friendship at all. I think I'd just let it go.

He's blocked you from what you've said. I think it's best to move on from here.

He sounds awful tbh OP and I worry that your MH has made you vulnerable and not realise he was just using you for sex. I think you are much better off without him in your life, work on your MH and being happy with out a loser like him around.

That doesn’t at all sound like a pleasant, equal dynamic, let alone a friendship. Look at your language — ‘he tried it on’ implies you didn’t want to have sex with him at all, and that he’s been the one pushing for sex throughout?

I think what’s ‘wrong with his phone’ is him not wanting to talk to you, or receive texts from you. Because you might find a voice to communicate needs of your own.

Don’t contact him again and don’t start any new relationship till you’ve sorted out your self-esteem and boundaries.

Ick. The free coffee from the bookies plus now having a toddler tantrum and giving you the cold shoulder because you don't want to have sex with him. He's no friend of yours and he sounds icky anyway. Good riddance!

If you don't want to have sex with him, then you don't want to have sex with him. That is that. Him flouncing off should not make you feel 'guilted' into having sex with him. If his friendship is only on offer in exchange for the sex (the sex you don't want) then his friendship is not valuable.

He sounds revolting. Don't give him another thought.

I can't contact him as there is something wrong with his phone and it keeps going onto voicemail when you ring, he also doesn't receive texts, he's not on Facebook.

He's married. You're the OW.

Sorry but it doesn't sound like he was your friend. Seems like he wanted one thing and now you've taken that away he's walked.

He isn't your friend.
He sounds like a bothersome sex pest.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty, it isn't your job to provide him with a quick shag when he has an itch.
Block his number and move on.

He's not married as I have been to his house in the past. But I can understand why you think that.

You’ve got no reason to feel guilty about not wanting him to come over to yours, it is entirely your decision if you want to have sex with him.
I’ve got FWB but without the friend bit if that makes sense so more a FB. We don’t see each other unless we meet up for sex and neither of us wants anymore or expects to meet up outside of this. I think it would blur the lines if we went out for drinks and things together. If one us decided that we didn’t want it anymore then there’s no friendship to lose either.

He wasn't your friend, he wanted sex not friendship. You are better off without him.

Oh, he’s a dick, then. Sorry, op!

He just wanted the sex and not the friendship. I think that’s clear. You are better off without this stingy user.

Why do you call sex "going to your flat"? That's all he wants from you, OP, I'm afraid. He doesn't want a normal friendship or a normal relationship. He wants to come round to your flat and have sex with you and then go home.

I have had friends with benefits. We went for drinks and stuff still, some late night booty calls after nights out. But meeting a man in a coffee shop, whilst he holds his free bookies coffee (what a loser) and then comes back to your house to have sex weekly is just tragic.

this man isn’t, and was never, your friend. Friends don’t just shag each other in this weird way. They go to the cinema , to the pub, out to the park, do hobbies together. He didn’t want to do anything with you.

Him doing your house up was transactional in his eyes. A bit like how he buys you coffee. He literally thinks you are worth a cup of coffee and some mates rates DIY. You were good enough to shag, not good enough to date. And when you weren’t putting out and inconveniencing his sex life- he wasn’t interested.

the fact that you feel guilty and believe that you should have just had him over to sex with you is just WILD. Where is this sense of low self worth coming from? He saw you coming.

@pussinboots61 did you want to stop having sex with him? Is this why you stopped him coming over?

He is not a good, honest man or a friend. Time to reassess him. Stingy user who has not been honest about the situation.