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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Male friend dumped me out of the blue. I'm upset

65 replies

pussinboots61 · 20/09/2023 09:38

I've had this male friend for seven years now. I say friend but it has gone further. Neither of us have wanted a relationship. We've always got on and had a good laugh. He's a good honest man but has never wanted to do more than meet me in town for a coffee and go back to my flat, usually for sex. I go in the coffee shop anyway and go on my laptop and he comes to me but he's usually late. He buys me a coffee but never buys himself one and brings his own free one from the bookies

Anyway for a while now I've been putting him off coming back to my flat and he's not been happy about it but we've still been meeting and he's been constantly ringing me, sometimes too much.

So last night he rang me and we had the usual banter when suddenly he ended our friendship because he feels I don't want him in my flat anymore.

I feel really gutted and upset. My mental health is not good at the moment anyway and I now wonder if I've been too harsh with him. I don't know what to do now. Any advice please.

OP posts:

Epidote · 20/09/2023 22:25

He never was your friend. He had a shag for a few quids. When the shag stopped he decided to spend the few quids in the bookies.

I may be wrong but this make sense to me.

pinkdelight · 20/09/2023 22:43

We started off as good friends and both said we didn't want anything serious and then one night at my flat he tried it on and it went from there.

How long was this period when you 'started off as good friends'? Because it sounds like he was warming you up so he could make his move. And since then it's been about sex for him. People don't really start off as good friends anyway. It's more likely to build to that, but this very much sounds like the friendship was more in your head and I'm sorry but he saw you as an easy lay after his bets. That line about the coffee from the bookies is so grotty. I'm feeling for you, thinking that him buying you a coffee and doing discounts on DIY is a nice thing when he was getting his end away on a weekly basis for very little effort and zero commitment. I know you say you didn't want a relationship but clearly you wanted more from him than sex, and indeed stopped wanting sex at all. He's no kind of friend, but that's nothing to chastise yourself for. Be glad he's gone and try to value yourself more in future.

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 20/09/2023 23:23

Update. Spoke to him on the phone tonight. He says he hasn't ended our friendship, he will still see me as a friend and meet me for a coffee, but not every weekend, and he's going to stop asking to come to my flat because he knows it's not what I want anymore.

When we had sex I guess I was just going along with it but I didn't want it really. I don't want a relationship now with anyone, been there and done that, so am happy with friendships but he seemed to want sex and I just gave in. Sounds weak on my part I know.

I guess I feel better now knowing that he still wants to be friends, even though he knows sex won't be involved but it did sound so final last night. I am going to keep him at arm's length and will meet him but on my terms.

OP posts:

feelingalittlehorse · 20/09/2023 23:31

I dunno, OP, I’m just not sure that him disappearing would be the great loss you think it might be……….

I’d have lost him on purpose for the bookies coffee alone tbh. 👋

Burntouted · 21/09/2023 06:20

Why have you allowed yourself to be used for 7 years??

This was never a friendship. This was only a casual fling.

Scheduling, going to meet up in town for coffee and sex afterwards at your flat for 7 years ...isn't a friendship.

Leave him alone permanently. Do not cave in to the pressure or him guilt tripping you.

You are entitled to not have sex with him anymore.

It was wrong of you to not express and communicate to him that you were ending things sexually.... it's kind of gameish.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you. You really need to work on your esteem and loving yourself.

Your answer was included in the post written.

You said he's never wanted to do anything else. It's always been coffee and sex.

Learn how to treat yourself well ...properly.

Work on yourself. Find people who genuinely like you for you.

PansyPolly · 21/09/2023 07:21

Op, if you have been having sex weekly for years that you didn’t really want, your body will be impacted by this. Give yourself time.

myNewName21 · 21/09/2023 07:44

gannett · 20/09/2023 09:48

suddenly he ended our friendship because he feels I don't want him in my flat anymore

From what you've written, it seems logical that he feels that.

It was a FWB situation, neither of you seem to have communicated what you wanted well, you stopped inviting him back and he took the hint. He's taking your lead surely.

^^ 100% this - I would also say he has taken the hint

AgnesX · 21/09/2023 07:50

He wanted sex with no strings and you gave it to him. Sex is no longer available so, sure, he says you'll still be friends but don't expect to see much of him in the future. Being friends and having coffee was a means to an end.

Dery · 21/09/2023 12:35

@pussinboots61 - you sound vulnerable because you seem to have entered into an FWB situation when you didn’t want to have sex with this man. Perhaps you felt obliged because he decorated your flat and so on but no-one ever owes sex to anyone else. Please look after yourself.

Voraxaraptor · 21/09/2023 12:51

pussinboots61 · 20/09/2023 23:23

Why do you want to be mates with a bloke who hangs around bookies and preys on women for no strings bonks under the guise of a friendship?

He is a loser.

don’t you have anyone better to be friends with?

AllrightNowBaby · 04/02/2024 15:19

You wait for him in a cafe every week, he arrives late carrying a free drink from “the bookies” 🙄 buys you a coffee, then back to your flat for a shag, which you don’t really want and “See ya” till next weeks shag.
Get rid of this guy, he’s not your friend, he sounds horrible.
Have you any other friends you can chat to Op?

Opentooffers · 04/02/2024 15:32

You traded sex for friendship, by going along with sex to keep him as a friend. I think you knew he'd be off if you didn't put out, and this has proved to be the case.
It shows you are lacking in friends, you need to find your own people and keep it platonic at all times, only then will you know that they want your friendship and nothing more. It's good he's reducing contact, because then you will have more time to make genuine connections.

Opentooffers · 04/02/2024 15:33

Oops! Old Post- there's a lot of resurrection going on these days🙄

RandomForest · 04/02/2024 17:28

pussinboots61 · 20/09/2023 19:24

He's not married as I have been to his house in the past. But I can understand why you think that.

Show quote history

For once I actually believe this, sat in the bookies in the day, cadging free coffees and free sex.

Mycatsarethebest · 04/02/2024 17:35

Urrghhh zombie thread

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