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Original poster

Husband bisexual help!

53 replies

Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 19:12

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years.
in the last 10 years he’s asked me to wear a strap on which I really didn’t enjoy to the point of me thinking I wasn’t enough for him.
Anyway we had a threesome with another man, his choice.
ive asked him for years if he might be gay or bisexual and I’ve told him there will be no judgement on my part.
Hes always said he’s not and after the threesome he’s now saying he might be bisexual !!! I feel so betrayed after all this time he said he’s not !! Thoughts please I feel lost and like I do t even know him

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/09/2023 19:26

I mean I would have thought him wanting to gave a threesome with a MAN might have been your first clue op.

Also, when you say 'his choice' - did you even want the threesome?

Look there's a difference between doing things because you love someone and just being a doormat.

Him maybe being bi sounds like the least of your problems.

Stop having sex you don't want to have.
And consider whether or not this person has put anywhere near the amount of love and work into this marriage you have. Or indeed, been as honest, as considerate of your feelings as keen to satisfy you sexually or as respectful of you as you have of him.

Because it sounds like that likely, isn't the case.

WhatTodoALL · 19/09/2023 20:20

He wants sex with men. I divorced my first husband for this reason even though he insisted he is not into men and is fully straight. Well, then why did he need a Penis for sex? 🙄

AuntieDolly · 19/09/2023 20:29

@Pinkbonbon beautifully put

HermioneWeasley · 19/09/2023 20:31

Being bisexual is not a problem. Wanting to have sex with other people, regardless of their sex, is. Wanting you to engage in sexual practices you don’t enjoy is also a problem. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible any more.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 19/09/2023 20:36

Pinkbonbon I second the "beautifully put"

itsmyp4rty · 19/09/2023 20:38

He knew all along - that's why he asked you to wear a strap on. Mine was the same, lied for 25 years, always knew and started seriously favouring doggy style sex after 10 or so years.

He's lied and deceived you and used you in all sorts of ways to try out his fantasies. It's just vile behaviour. You probably don't know him at all, I remember that feeling so well - turned out I didn't know mine at all.

Blondebutnotlegally · 19/09/2023 20:39

You divorced your husband because he liked a strap on? That doesn't make him gay

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2023 20:40

A man wanting a threesome with another man? You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out he's either gay, (my personal vote), or bisexual. You say you wouldn't have cared so why is this such a big deal?

whatamess100 · 19/09/2023 20:46

Horrible possition to be in OP, now he's been with a man i think it may open a can of worms. Id be concerned incase he want's to have sex with men regularly with or without your knowledge.

If your not comfy to do the sexual acts you've partaking in currently then dont do it.

Original poster
Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 20:59

Tbh during the threesome he had no interaction with the om. However afterwards he told me he’d like to lie on his back and let another man have sex with him.
i feel sick tbh, confused and disgusted

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2023 21:01

Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 20:59

Tbh during the threesome he had no interaction with the om. However afterwards he told me he’d like to lie on his back and let another man have sex with him.
i feel sick tbh, confused and disgusted

You started off by saying you'd be fine if he were bisexual, now you say you're disgusted. Which is it?

If this doesn't work for you, you are welcome to end your marriage.

Seaoftroubles · 19/09/2023 21:03

You have a right to your feelings OP, l am sorry you feel so betrayed.It seems almost certain that he's gay, especially as he initiated a threesome with another man - the clues are there!
He has not been honest and you have been very accommodating throughout your long relationship, even though you haven't enjoyed his sexual preferences. However if you feel he has crossed a line then you don't have to put up with it any longer.

EBearhug · 19/09/2023 21:05

It might not be obvious to him that he's gay/bi, even if the rest of us are clear about it. If he's not accepted it himself, he can't come out to anyone else.

You said you'd accept it without judgement- but you are judging his lying. Trouble is, he's probably lying to himself first. He probably is telling you the truth as he perceives it. Heterosexuality is still the default in society, and it's difficult for some people to step outside that if they've followed societal expectations for several years.

Then, if he does come to accept it, you need to decide how to deal with it. If you expect monogamy, it doesn't really matter if he's gay or bi. If he is adamant he wants to have sex with others, that might be unacceptable for you. You shouldn't accept threesomes if you're not comfortable with them, either (besides anything else, it can be difficult to find a third partner you both fancy.) It is not just about what he wants - what you want is also important, and you don't have to accept all he wants as part of your life.

Original poster
Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 21:10

he now says he’s bu curious !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 21:10

Bi curious sorry

OP posts:
Highandlows · 19/09/2023 21:13

If you needed to ask him is because you had doubts. I think you are not happy to be with a bisexual man so better think of moving on.

Original poster
Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 21:28

I feel betrayed that he’s not been honest with me not about the fact he’s bisexual or gay

OP posts:
Mountaineer0009 · 19/09/2023 21:29

Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 21:28

I feel betrayed that he’s not been honest with me not about the fact he’s bisexual or gay

maybe at the time when originally asked he was not then when he tryed the threesum, his feelings changed,

rwalker · 19/09/2023 21:49

There’s a lot to unpick here some men get pleasure watching there wife with another man so the fact he wanted a mmf doesn’t automatically scream gay
again plenty of straight men enjoy pegging as there’s the infamous P spot up there that can give mind blowing pleasure

he might of been curious but never really given it any thought

as we get older and more comfortable you get more relaxed and open to things

you seem very open with each other when it comes to discussing things

the threesome has probably triggered some Layton curiosity

GlazingOver · 19/09/2023 22:08

My ex said he was bi, but it turned out to be a stepping stone on his way to accepting that he was actually gay. We'd been together 18 years.

Some people are genuinely bisexual.

In the situation you describe, it's often testing the water before coming out as gay.

But the sexuality is a bit of a red herring, because he doesn't sound respectful of your wishes and that's not good in a relationship.

Support is available in the UK through Straight Partners Anonymous or in the US through Our Path.

Husband bisexual help!
babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 19/09/2023 23:14

Mumsnet is so homophobic and have such a limited understanding of sexuality. It is perfectly possible that he didn’t have any idea himself and that these feelings and ideas are emerging with age, just as they do for so many women who post on this board fretting about, after years of considering themselves straight, they’ve felt an intense attraction towards a woman or suddenly become sexually attracted to women. Sexuality is fluid and we aren’t born the way we stay - even if we are, we don’t always know or accept it. Your husband didn’t necessarily lie to you, he might have had no idea of these feelings might have emerged recently and he’s battling with how to deal with them. It’s okay to be hurt but there’s no need to be angry with him for lying when you don’t even know that he lied. This is probably difficult for him too, and at least he’s being honest with you instead of sneaking around having an affair.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 19/09/2023 23:17

(I’m not saying you’re being homophobic, I’m referring to poster there, as their on theee threads the responses are often fairly hateful and narrow minded)

Valeriekat · 20/09/2023 23:52

More posters just expecting the woman to put up with whatever the man wants.
How depressing.

justasking111 · 20/09/2023 23:56

My friend had no idea she was gay until she fell in love in her forties.

You opened a can of worms willingly OP I'm afraid

Fourlegsandatail · 21/09/2023 09:49

I’m sorry I just don’t buy that people don’t know they’re gay or bisexual until later in life. They might not be honest with themselves but I don’t think it’s something that just happens and takes you by surprise.

I think he’s led OP along and made her waste her time (and his own). It’s fine that he’s bisexual but it’s not ok that he was dishonest about it.

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