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Original poster

Husband bisexual help!

53 replies

Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 19:12

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years.
in the last 10 years he’s asked me to wear a strap on which I really didn’t enjoy to the point of me thinking I wasn’t enough for him.
Anyway we had a threesome with another man, his choice.
ive asked him for years if he might be gay or bisexual and I’ve told him there will be no judgement on my part.
Hes always said he’s not and after the threesome he’s now saying he might be bisexual !!! I feel so betrayed after all this time he said he’s not !! Thoughts please I feel lost and like I do t even know him

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/09/2023 14:30

Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 20:59

Tbh during the threesome he had no interaction with the om. However afterwards he told me he’d like to lie on his back and let another man have sex with him.
i feel sick tbh, confused and disgusted

Why are you going along with it?

Can you leave?

Even if not, you can say No

fearfuloffluff · 21/09/2023 14:37

I don't think being bisexual that much.

I think it does matter that he gives you the ick. Your sex life sounds like neither of you get much out of it, tbh.

PureAmazonian · 21/09/2023 14:45

Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 21:28

I feel betrayed that he’s not been honest with me not about the fact he’s bisexual or gay

Maybe this is something he's only now learning about himself.
I got to 30 before I realised I was wrong about my sexuality. Also sexuality can be fluid for some people, he may well have been straight when you married him and now he's becoming curious about the other sex, it happens.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 21/09/2023 14:53

Fourlegsandatail · 21/09/2023 09:49

I’m sorry I just don’t buy that people don’t know they’re gay or bisexual until later in life. They might not be honest with themselves but I don’t think it’s something that just happens and takes you by surprise.

I think he’s led OP along and made her waste her time (and his own). It’s fine that he’s bisexual but it’s not ok that he was dishonest about it.

THIS is exactly what I’m talking about - this kind of ignorance. I had no idea that I wasn’t heterosexual until I was 30! Literally no idea. Looking back now I might have realised had I grown up at a different time (I.e if I were a teen now when everyone is more sensitive about it and so it would have been more of an option) but no, I really didn’t know. It can be REALLY hard to deal with and confusing and upsetting and distressing and just really awful for people. After figuring it out it’s like being torn between being honest with yourself and others and not wanting to upset any life already build or hurt anyone, while trying to be certain of how you feel. It doesn’t matter whether you ‘buy’ it or not. It’s a well known fact that this can happen and has been widely researched. Often people actually ARE heterosexual in every sense of the word until they meet someone who makes them realise that they’re not and then things change - it’s actually more common with women than with men according to the more academic research I’ve found on the topic - but it can happen with either. Do some research (there are plenty of studies and reliable academic articles about this) and don’t be cruel and ignorant.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 21/09/2023 14:58

(I’m only 34 now so it’s not like I grew up ages ago when society was super different, but attitudes towards homosexuality have changed so drastically that when I was a teenager ‘lesbian’ and ‘gay’ were still used as insults by my peers. It just wasn’t presented as an option to be gay by parents or teachers or anyone who taught anything and so I just thought that it was something that someone else did and knew about from birth. I really had no idea. I know and know of a LOT of people who had the same experience as me.)

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 21/09/2023 15:09

It’s fine to divorce him OP because you are sexually repelled by his sexual desires. It isn’t homophobic or biphobic to not want to have sex with a man who wants to have sex with men or has sex with men. Many many women have no issue whatsoever with gay man or bisexual men having fufilling sex lives, we just don’t want to participate in them. Either your husband has been lying to you, lying to himself, or his sexual desires have changed over time. It’s ok to say, I’m getting off this train now, I’m not interested in following you on this journey, it’s not for me.

loislovesstewie · 21/09/2023 15:28

The minute you said 'strap on which I didn't enjoy' was the point were I thought 'leave'. You are engaging in a type of sex that you don't enjoy. Do you want to spend the rest of your life doing that? Or wondering what he might suggest next? No? Well, there is your answer.

Divinespark · 21/09/2023 17:32

Fourlegsandatail · 21/09/2023 09:49

I’m sorry I just don’t buy that people don’t know they’re gay or bisexual until later in life. They might not be honest with themselves but I don’t think it’s something that just happens and takes you by surprise.

I think he’s led OP along and made her waste her time (and his own). It’s fine that he’s bisexual but it’s not ok that he was dishonest about it.

I worked with a woman who was adamant that she was straight, and slept with only men until she fell in love with a woman, and then when they split up, she wanted to date women. I'm not sure how they don't realise either. Is it possible to deny this side of you.

serialbunburyist · 21/09/2023 17:42

The issue here is not whether he fancies men as well as women. It’s you knowing what your boundaries are and being clear with him what is and isn’t acceptable for you in your relationship. If you don’t want other people involved then set that out clearly - no more threesomes. If you don’t want to use a strap on with him say that. If he can’t live with that then you’re no longer sexually compatible and should split. Monogamy isn’t about what you do or don’t fantasise about, it’s about what you do or don’t do.

Dolores87 · 21/09/2023 17:56

I wouldn't feel betrayed. Not sure how he has betrayed you. It is likely he didn't realise he is bisexual and now is discovering and accepting that he is and even if he is does it really matter if he is commited to being with you?

GorillaInBikini · 21/09/2023 19:17

So you suspected, said there would be no judgement and now he suspects he is bisexual you are sick and disgusted?

If he wants to remain me monogamous why is it even an issue? I'm bisexual but I only sleep with my husband. If I suddenly take a fancying to ginger people - I've never slept with one - I won't ask for a free pass to shag one? I don't see the issue really.

Panaa · 21/09/2023 23:11

GorillaInBikini · 21/09/2023 19:17

So you suspected, said there would be no judgement and now he suspects he is bisexual you are sick and disgusted?

If he wants to remain me monogamous why is it even an issue? I'm bisexual but I only sleep with my husband. If I suddenly take a fancying to ginger people - I've never slept with one - I won't ask for a free pass to shag one? I don't see the issue really.

No she feels like he's known all along and lied to her.

OP didn't mention that he reassured her that he would never ask to sleep with a man or that he would always remain monogamous, he said he wanted to lie on his back and let another man have sex with him, if he hasn't already asked for a free pass then it sounds like he's hinting strongly and the request is coming.

Azaleah · 22/09/2023 00:26

Marriage means much more than sex. If you feel good about the other things, maybe the two of you can talk it out, discuss what he likes and what you like. If you can find common ground, great. If your marriage is primarily based on sex and you have no desire to share your body with other men or with a man who likes to have sex with men, then it's time to move on. Marriage always requires some sacrifice, but not to the point of making one feel miserable.

Lenny234 · 22/09/2023 00:45

I'm very sorry that you are going through this OP. Please look after yourself in this difficult time.

Lots of posters are being judgemental about your situation but I completely understand why you feel the way you do. It can be a very confusing time.

There are two issues here. One is that he wants to have sex with other people whilst you are in a relationship and another is that he is possibly gay and you are a woman.

Have an honest conversation with him when you are ready and take care of your own needs.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/09/2023 12:38

I'd focus less on the 'he lied to me in the past' angle. It's likely he's got ingrained homophobia and was in denial himself. Even now he's only managing to say he's bi-curious, when clearly he's bisexual and might end up exclusively gay one day. The more important thing is to focus on what you want for yourself now. The DH you thought you had does not exist and this DH at the very least wants to sleep with other people. This is not the marriage for you and hasn't been for a long time, no matter how much you've tried to go along with things to please him. Now you have to do what's right for you. Book in with a counsellor to get your feelings out and clear and make some decisions. Stop letting his issues dictate your destiny. This is your life and you have agency.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 13:54

Panaa · 21/09/2023 23:11

No she feels like he's known all along and lied to her.

OP didn't mention that he reassured her that he would never ask to sleep with a man or that he would always remain monogamous, he said he wanted to lie on his back and let another man have sex with him, if he hasn't already asked for a free pass then it sounds like he's hinting strongly and the request is coming.

Show quote history

But the thing is they have already engaged in sex with others. She's just had sex with another man as part of a threesome. It's not too out there to think that he would think that maybe he could try this.

And she's not going to be happy with it...despite just having sex with another man herself...

And this is why opening relationships up to involve having sex with others often turns out to be a nightmare.

Panaa · 22/09/2023 14:27

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 13:54

But the thing is they have already engaged in sex with others. She's just had sex with another man as part of a threesome. It's not too out there to think that he would think that maybe he could try this.

And she's not going to be happy with it...despite just having sex with another man herself...

And this is why opening relationships up to involve having sex with others often turns out to be a nightmare.

Show quote history

Lots of man want a threesome with their partner and another man and do not have any interest in touching the man themselves, it's just about sharing the wife/girlfriend. I don't believe that he went in with honesty and then suddenly realised oh I might like that too. That IS pretty out there.

You're making it sound like she's being a bit hypocritical.... but the threesome with another man was his choice so it's fine for her to not be happy with it despite her just having sex with another man herself.

I don't think opening the relationship to others caused the issue at all. He was bisexual before that.

Jackaman1514 · 31/12/2023 22:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Startingagainandagain · 31/12/2023 22:46

You give some mixed signals OP.

You seem quite open when it comes to sexuality (strap on and threesome with another man) but now you are having a meltdown because your partner might find men attractive too.

I would have thought that you would already have an inkling that your partner has a thing for gay sex...

Also some people take a long time to accept that they might be bisexual and stay in denial for years. He might not have purposely lied to you.

That said you are perfectly entitled not to want to be with a man who is attracted to other men.

You both need to be honest with each other then you can decide if you want to end the relationship.

There is so much stigma and ignorance when it comes to bisexuality (you only have to read some of the comments...) and people should not have to hide who they really are.

Panaa · 01/01/2024 00:31

Startingagainandagain · 31/12/2023 22:46

You give some mixed signals OP.

You seem quite open when it comes to sexuality (strap on and threesome with another man) but now you are having a meltdown because your partner might find men attractive too.

I would have thought that you would already have an inkling that your partner has a thing for gay sex...

Also some people take a long time to accept that they might be bisexual and stay in denial for years. He might not have purposely lied to you.

That said you are perfectly entitled not to want to be with a man who is attracted to other men.

You both need to be honest with each other then you can decide if you want to end the relationship.

There is so much stigma and ignorance when it comes to bisexuality (you only have to read some of the comments...) and people should not have to hide who they really are.

They're not mixed signals. Don't be ridiculous.

Women are told time and time again that a man liking anal play does not mean he's gay or bisexual, and if they are worried about that we're called biphobic or homophobic.

She asked him lots of times was he gay or bi and he said no, I guarantee he told her he wanted her to use strap ons simply because it would feel nice, or the threesome was because he thought it would be sexy to share her etc. and made it sound like he wasn't into 'gay sex' as you put it.

So she has given no mixed signals, he's the one who has completely misled her and got her to agree to things under the pretence that he was straight.

As for your last sentence, your post does not help the stigma and ignorance when it comes to bisexuality.
The OP asked him, he should have been honest, and now you're accusing her of giving mixed signals because she was willing to try certain sex acts so she must have known he was into gay sex?

Women don't have to be ok with bisexual partners.

StarlightLady · 01/01/2024 08:16

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 21/09/2023 14:53

THIS is exactly what I’m talking about - this kind of ignorance. I had no idea that I wasn’t heterosexual until I was 30! Literally no idea. Looking back now I might have realised had I grown up at a different time (I.e if I were a teen now when everyone is more sensitive about it and so it would have been more of an option) but no, I really didn’t know. It can be REALLY hard to deal with and confusing and upsetting and distressing and just really awful for people. After figuring it out it’s like being torn between being honest with yourself and others and not wanting to upset any life already build or hurt anyone, while trying to be certain of how you feel. It doesn’t matter whether you ‘buy’ it or not. It’s a well known fact that this can happen and has been widely researched. Often people actually ARE heterosexual in every sense of the word until they meet someone who makes them realise that they’re not and then things change - it’s actually more common with women than with men according to the more academic research I’ve found on the topic - but it can happen with either. Do some research (there are plenty of studies and reliable academic articles about this) and don’t be cruel and ignorant.

Show quote history

Bi female in my 40s here. I didn’t discover my bi side until my 30s and I am not alone.

How the OP handles the situation is another matter though.

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/01/2024 10:04

Mariam44 · 19/09/2023 21:28

I feel betrayed that he’s not been honest with me not about the fact he’s bisexual or gay

What makes you think he's not been honest with you? Lots of people come to this realisation later on in life.

MooQuackNeigh · 01/01/2024 10:17

I think it was the wording of his about 'lying back' and 'letting' someone have sex with him. Could this be more complex? Sissy fetish or AGP? Could he want to be dominated? Nothing particularly wrong with these but something for the OP to be wary of if she isn't interested in partaking or this effects her attraction to him, this might be him exploring more extreme things.

Startingagainandagain · 01/01/2024 10:59

@Panaa

Give it a rest with the faux outrage.

You are missing the point entirely.

The point being some people don't realise they are gay/bisexual/kinky or whatever until later in life.

Often because they don't want to admit it to themselves. So the OP's partner did not necessarily set out to deceive/lie to her.

And yes there were clues that her partner might be curious/interested in having sex with men and it was leading to her partner wanting to experiment. When you open relationships and bring in new people in your sex life you have to consider that you are also opening a big can of worms.

'As for your last sentence, your post does not help the stigma and ignorance when it comes to bisexuality.'

I am bisexual so you don't get to lecture me on the matter.

Also again I clearly wrote that the OP is perfectly entitled to want to end her relationship over this.

The OP's partner should not have to hide is true sexual orientation if he has now come to the conclusion that he is indeed attracted to men too but equally the OP also has the right not to want to continue her relationship with him under these circumstances.

Panaa · 01/01/2024 16:52

Startingagainandagain · 01/01/2024 10:59

@Panaa

Give it a rest with the faux outrage.

You are missing the point entirely.

The point being some people don't realise they are gay/bisexual/kinky or whatever until later in life.

Often because they don't want to admit it to themselves. So the OP's partner did not necessarily set out to deceive/lie to her.

And yes there were clues that her partner might be curious/interested in having sex with men and it was leading to her partner wanting to experiment. When you open relationships and bring in new people in your sex life you have to consider that you are also opening a big can of worms.

'As for your last sentence, your post does not help the stigma and ignorance when it comes to bisexuality.'

I am bisexual so you don't get to lecture me on the matter.

Also again I clearly wrote that the OP is perfectly entitled to want to end her relationship over this.

The OP's partner should not have to hide is true sexual orientation if he has now come to the conclusion that he is indeed attracted to men too but equally the OP also has the right not to want to continue her relationship with him under these circumstances.

It's not faux outrage. I can assure you. I'm just sick of this shit on here.

She did not give mixed signals, and you said she did.

Amazing how you think the OP should have guessed he liked gay sex ages ago seeing as he wanted to be pegged and have a MFM threesome, but the DP was probably oblivious and literally only realised after the threesome 😂so there's no way at all that he lied or tried to deceive her, but SHE should have known, silly OP!

I am bisexual so you don't get to lecture me on the matter.
I will respond whenever I want if I feel the need to because your response to the OP was unfair, and as I said all of these other threads on here if a man wants anal play and a woman queries if he's possibly bi then it's all "omg the biphobia is rife on this thread"...and then you're telling the OP she should have known because he was into that stuff 😅

Also the OP never asked or told him to hide his true sexual orientation so I'm not sure why you're even bringing that into it. She wanted to know.