Daughter doesn't like father kissing and hugging her, realistically what can I do about this?

[Duxelle]

Separated from abusive ex.
He only currently has supervised contact (has for a number of years)
Daughter tells me after each contact session he kisses her so much and essentially smothers her. He repeatedly tells her he loves her, over and over again and that he misses her etc.
More recently, she tells me that when he kisses her his kisses are "wet" and she wipes them away. She also doesn't like being overly hugged.
I know about this because I receive contact reports and it has evidenced the overly affectionate behaviour as well as the wiping away of kisses. I do also see she initiates affection of her own volition when she wants to but it isn't prolonged hugs and kisses.
My dilemma is, realistically what can I do about this? I want our daughter to realise she can have a choice and has body autonomy, I want her to make her own choices on who she kisses and cuddles and not have this forced on her, but currently only communicate via Solicitors.
I am trying to see it from his perspective also in that he only gets very limited time with her, IF his intentions are genuine AND he genuinely misses her then of course he wants to shower her with affection, however I do also feel very uncomfortable about this since she has complained about it following the last few contact sessions.

Just very difficult.

I would consider telling her she can tell the other grown up in contact sessions that she doesn't like it, she obviously doesn't feel able to tell him directly

take yourself out of the equation op.
the contact worker who noticed it can perhaps tell him,

and as @Noorandapples posts, your daughter can tell the contact worker, if she feels able.

He shouldn't be having that level of physical contact with a child he is not resident with. Who is supervising? They must have a duty of care, re safeguarding.

I think she's too anxious to speak up. She's incredibly compliant in contact, there has been zero occasions where she misbehaves, but with me she misbehaves quite badly sometimes. I also know she eats the food she's given by him without really wanting it, she's told me this before. I think she does what she can to please him and it was actually highlighted by various professionals her level of compliance and the way she appeases him and I feel this is the same.
It fucking destroys me because she's barely 6! - no child of any age should feel they should be compliant/appease their parents.

She complies because she doesn't feel safe with him op, I would try to see if you could talk to the person supervising about stepping in at obvious signs of distress.
He is shameful, your poor girl.

How do I get CAFCASS/professionals to take note of this, I feel like I am screaming and nobody is hearing me.

This goes beyond issues with your ex. Tell her that anyone who does something to her she doesn't like to say "stop it I don't like that" repeatedly until they stop or to tell an adult if they don't. Practice with her at home so she has rehearsed it.

You are right. I am very firmly trying to teach her body autonomy and that it is her choice and her right. I could never be one of those parents that enforce kissing and hugging by relatives. I think it's horrible. I read many threads on here about grandparents being upset that grandkids don't kiss or hug them.

Obviously understand you have to be careful considering the circumstances but when mine was having difficulty standing up for themselves or telling others how they didn't like something, I let them practice on me and that gave them some confidence to speak up.

Could you encourage her to raise this at school with someone? They will have a safeguarding procedure in place

is his lack of boundaries the reason for the contact?

Domestic abuse and child abuse.

Send a letter from your solicitor yo his solicitor, stating the facts. If DF wants a cuddle kiss to wait for her to come to him not to do it when he wants because its too much. Also its not being controlling if youve said someone who works at contact centre noticed this too.

I know, but until you're there the family court is deeply misogynistic, everything gets manipulated and twisted. I've had to accept that I have abused him somewhat because his evidence has been twisted to make him look like I have abused him also (emails and photos), when it was reactive abuse towards the end of the relationship.. not saying it was ok as all abuse is wrong but I have had to accept the court found me abusive also when I know the lived experience wasn't that at all.

Can you email your ex or txt and save them as future evidence? Don't tell him obviously!! Be direct address him and tell him he is going against DDs wishes!

No, mentioned we only speak via Solicitors, no contact for over 4 years!

I know it must be hard, I'm not at the court state yet still waiting but bear in mind he's banking on you not standing up for yourself and if you don't in some way he will steamroll you.

Sending a letter via solicitors that is worded in a way that shows you are trying to facilitate and maintain their relationship (even if you don't feel like that) can't be twisted against you. You could argue that you have done the right thing, that logically by this letter you are helping him and your daughters relationship rather than doing nothing and there being pushback.

I know you've verbalized to her that her body is her own, even when it comes to parents. But she's only 5. Do you think it might help if you were to 'play act' with her different ways to move away or say no? That way you're not overtly saying "Daddy shouldn't kiss/hug if you don't want him to" you'd be putting it in a more generic "If you don't want Mummy OR Daddy OR any adult to hug/kiss you, try this". And repetition might reinforce to her that it's OK to say no.

But bottom line is, do as your solicitor instructs you, they know the law. Be completely honest with them about his behaviour and her upset, but be guided by them.

Thank you for all the advice

I agree that the way to go is to speak to the contact centre, preferably the staff member who has recorded their observations about it. Most contact centres around where I live will give proactive advice to the parent they’re supervising, and will record this and also record whether the parent listens to and acts on their advice.

Would he smother and wet kiss his son repeatedly?
Not mind he is making his own son squirm?
Or is just because she's a girl?

I think he probably just misses his dd. He may have behaved badly, but he can still miss his child, willing to bet it's not some insidious desire to control a little girl.

Definitely raise this with the contact centre, op. They should be giving feedback, so if they've already raised this, I'm surprised this hasn't been brought up

I've tried to see it from his perspective also.. but you don't know him and I do..