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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter doesn't like father kissing and hugging her, realistically what can I do about this?

77 replies

Duxelle · 19/09/2023 11:49

Separated from abusive ex.
He only currently has supervised contact (has for a number of years)
Daughter tells me after each contact session he kisses her so much and essentially smothers her. He repeatedly tells her he loves her, over and over again and that he misses her etc.
More recently, she tells me that when he kisses her his kisses are "wet" and she wipes them away. She also doesn't like being overly hugged.
I know about this because I receive contact reports and it has evidenced the overly affectionate behaviour as well as the wiping away of kisses. I do also see she initiates affection of her own volition when she wants to but it isn't prolonged hugs and kisses.
My dilemma is, realistically what can I do about this? I want our daughter to realise she can have a choice and has body autonomy, I want her to make her own choices on who she kisses and cuddles and not have this forced on her, but currently only communicate via Solicitors.
I am trying to see it from his perspective also in that he only gets very limited time with her, IF his intentions are genuine AND he genuinely misses her then of course he wants to shower her with affection, however I do also feel very uncomfortable about this since she has complained about it following the last few contact sessions.

OP posts:
WobbIy · 19/09/2023 21:18

Fair enough. What do you suspect he's doing it for?

OCDmama · 19/09/2023 21:23

Go the solicitor route. Can this happen quickly enough in time for the next contact? Ideally she'd be able to day no herself, but she is little and you've said she is very compliant with him.

She needs to learn early on she makes the decisions about physical contact.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/09/2023 21:42

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. When you say child abuse, do you mean sexual abuse?

Original poster
Duxelle · 19/09/2023 21:44

Physical and emotional abuse

OP posts:
BluebellsForest · 19/09/2023 21:57

This is truly awful. Please don't get drawn into minimising it.

I am trying to see it from his perspective also in that he only gets very limited time with her,

I know you are doing your best in a very difficult situation but please, no - fuck his perspective. Plus he is an abuser to the point that contact is supervised. The perspective of an abuser is that of an abuser.

You might be encouraging her autonomy, but from what you've said, she realises that has no (or very little) autonomy around this man. In a way you are telling her a lie - she knows that she can't say no to him (presumably from the abuse she witnessed).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2023 22:29

Have you heard 'the boundaries song'

You should teach that to her. And also let ex know that you're practising it with her so that she learns how to say no to boys in the playground and boyfriends later in life, she needs to practice on her parents first and not feel she has to kiss to please us. Keep stating that you both want the best for her and for her to feel she can say no confidently to people later she needs to practice at home first. If you can find an article or something to back that up it would make it less personal

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2023 22:31
Original poster
Duxelle · 20/09/2023 09:36

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2023 22:31

Thank you, I will try this x

OP posts:
Original poster
Duxelle · 20/09/2023 11:35

I have asked the contact centre to arrange a time for me to speak to the supervisor who is next supervising so I will mention it during this conversation.

OP posts:
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 20/09/2023 11:47

When you tell her that she can say 'no' - do you rehearse her doing so?

You could try running scenarios where she gets to try out what she will say and you play the person she has to say 'no' to. It can be hard to find the words at 6.

(I think that you would need to make this sort of rehearsal include all sorts of cases where she wants to say ' no' - to friends or bullies - to teachers - to strangers- not just no to your exH or it might be read as deliberate alienation. )

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 20/09/2023 11:51

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2023 22:31

That is a great one to try out - it looks like a fun game to play and useful too.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/09/2023 11:56

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 20/09/2023 11:47

When you tell her that she can say 'no' - do you rehearse her doing so?

You could try running scenarios where she gets to try out what she will say and you play the person she has to say 'no' to. It can be hard to find the words at 6.

(I think that you would need to make this sort of rehearsal include all sorts of cases where she wants to say ' no' - to friends or bullies - to teachers - to strangers- not just no to your exH or it might be read as deliberate alienation. )

Yes I think the message is both parents against the predators rather than mum vs dad

Crumbcatcher · 20/09/2023 11:58

I'm glad PP linked the boundary song. I've seen kids singing this before so I think it's a good one.

Annaishere · 20/09/2023 12:01

I’ve got a little niece like this. She won’t let me or extended family members hug her or for the most part pick her up. I think it could be a good thing that this is the way she is. I think their boundaries they set out should be respected. Can you have a talk about this idea with your ex ?

Original poster
Duxelle · 20/09/2023 12:13

@Annaishere Thank you but kindly - presuming you have not read all my replies. He is abusive and we only communicate via solicitors.

OP posts:
BluebellsForest · 20/09/2023 12:59

It sounds like she has witnessed that saying no to this man doesn't end well.

So she can know the boundaries song by heart, but she knows her 'no' means little or nothing in reality.

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2023 13:02

StopStartStop · 19/09/2023 13:45

He shouldn't be having that level of physical contact with a child he is not resident with. Who is supervising? They must have a duty of care, re safeguarding.

He’s her father!

fearfuloffluff · 20/09/2023 13:08

Canisaysomething · 19/09/2023 14:09

This goes beyond issues with your ex. Tell her that anyone who does something to her she doesn't like to say "stop it I don't like that" repeatedly until they stop or to tell an adult if they don't. Practice with her at home so she has rehearsed it.

This. I wouldn't just tell her that she can say stop, I'd practise and make it non-specific about her dad. DC were taught at nursery to say 'stop, I don't like it' and hold out their hand in a stop gesture - if another child was invading their space by coming too close, unwanted cuddles, pulling them around etc.

Can you practise that with your DC? You need to do it a lot so it becomes a natural behaviour to her.

areyouhavinglaugh · 20/09/2023 13:16

I'd definitely flag it with whoever is "supervising" these visits?

In a mentioning way if you know what I mean! Follow it up if it continues, follow it up with stronger insistence every time

Then get the solicitors involved.

Can your get your child to practise saying
'don't do that daddy I don't like it'
Don't kiss me like that I don't like it

If she can Practise saying it to a teddy or doll. it might give her a bit more confidence to say it in an uncomfortable situation when you are not there

areyouhavinglaugh · 20/09/2023 13:17

Agreed don't make it about her dad!

No stop it
I don't like that stop with a hand is great advice

Morewineplease10 · 20/09/2023 13:35

That's grim. Your poor DD.

If the contact centre can't enforce what she's comfortable with I'd go to social services I think.

Original poster
Duxelle · 20/09/2023 14:24

I doubt social services will intervene, I've been on the receiving end of their help before I left him and this is nowhere near their threshold.
I will get her to practice boundaries that are applicable to everyone and not just him. I have also asked to have a chat with the supervisor ahead of next session.

OP posts:
longtompot · 20/09/2023 17:32

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2023 13:02

He’s her father!

Show quote history

He has been physically and emotionally abusive to her (the dd) Just because you are a parent doesn't give you the right to physical contact whenever you like

MoorlandWanderer · 20/09/2023 17:35

Please advocate for her. She has used her voice and told you, she has done her job, now you need to do yours. She needs to know from your actions now it is never ok to cross her boundary.

Original poster
Duxelle · 21/09/2023 10:50

I will, I have now spoken to the contact centre so hopefully their supervisor will intervene if DD looks uncomfortable or has instilled her boundaries,

OP posts: