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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In law's hate me

52 replies

Fedupwithitalll · 18/09/2023 21:13

I've been married 20 years. My in-laws have never liked me (they are middle class aspiring to be upper class and I am working/benefit class). I love my husband to bits but he has never stood up for me when they belittle me etc. I have two degrees (one is a master's, I am only bringing it up because I am going by their terms of "intelligence") but they still treat me like I am an absolute idiot. It has got to the stage where my teenage child recognises that they bully me. My husband agrees that they do but doesn't say anything etc. Should I cut my losses and run? I feel like it

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 18/09/2023 21:15

Have you broached it directly with them?

How do they belittle you?

KandieKaine · 18/09/2023 21:19

Don't bother with them . You have choices.

Original poster
Fedupwithitalll · 18/09/2023 21:25

I haven't been direct no, purely for my husband's sake. They are the kind of people who say that they don't like conflict (which actually means they ignore/cut off anyone who brings any grievance up to them). They belittle me by asking a question then as soon as I try to answer don't listen/talk over me and laugh. If I try to stay quiet to avoid that they will single me out with a question just so that they can do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupwithitalll · 18/09/2023 21:28

I feel like this. It's only my husband that stops me

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 18/09/2023 21:35

I think after 20 years you shouldn't be bothered about niceties and confront them the next time they belittle you. Obviously your husband is ok with his parents not respecting you. It is great that your teenager has picked up on this because it is possible that in the near future, they will stand up for you against grandparents and father. I had nasty aunts who wud make comments about my mother, never in front of my father. Once I was 8-9 years old, I simply answered back because I cudnt bear anyone being rude to my mother.

HauntedPencil · 19/09/2023 11:39

This is a long time to put up with it. We have a similar me working class them middle. Can't you just not see them at all? I wouldn't subject myself to that.

Garihairy · 19/09/2023 11:47

Fedupwithitalll · 18/09/2023 21:28

I feel like this. It's only my husband that stops me

Stops you what? Going no contact?

Olika · 19/09/2023 11:51

I would be so p off if my DH didn't stand up for me. I would make it clear to him that next time his parents treat you like that, if he doesn't stand up for you then you will.

Flatandhappy · 19/09/2023 11:52

Stop spending time with them, tell your husband is enough is enough and he can see them on his own from now on. Make it clear that significant events like Christmas will not be spent with them, you really need to stand up for yourself after 20 years if he won’t support you (which is disgraceful).

WDIAROM · 19/09/2023 12:05

My in-laws are very similar. They were always snidey and cutting towards me and seemed to enjoy making me feel uncomfortable. I used to feel stressed whenever I saw them. I just stopped making any effort with them in the end. My DH isn’t an organiser and I stopped being an organiser with them too. I haven’t seen them in a very long time. Life is too short to waste on people who make you feel bad about yourself. They choose their behaviour, but you also get to choose your own behaviour. You don’t have to be their doormat.

TGGreen · 19/09/2023 12:12

Why do you keep putting yourself on the chopping block? Id be pissed of with DH too for letting them abuse you. Read Toxic In Laws.

MMmomDD · 19/09/2023 12:12

Not sure why you care after 20 years. And why you not just avoid them.
If they are rude to your face - just say so. Why expect someone else to fight your battles. You don’t need a knight to save you.

Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 12:23

Olika · 19/09/2023 11:51

I would be so p off if my DH didn't stand up for me. I would make it clear to him that next time his parents treat you like that, if he doesn't stand up for you then you will.

This! ^
I had an ex whose family was like this even though i too have a degree etc. I was with him 3 years, they wouldn't allow me in family photos, even on my partners passing out parade and was with him 2 years. They were plain nasty to me, snooty. I spoiled them and ex, ive changed now though. I wont get involved in toxic Co dependant families. My ex wouldn't confront them, which allowed them to abuse me, i just finished with him. Glad to be out of it. Was eons ago but it caused so much friction when i just wanted to fit in. Im a good lass, they didn't deserve me, his mum was jealous too. Odd family.
OP id say if it was me, bring it up and address it properly with your parents...DC has now noticed, if you dont i refuse to go anymore. If he gets arsey, you deserve better than him. You need him to have your back.

Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 12:25

MMmomDD · 19/09/2023 12:12

Not sure why you care after 20 years. And why you not just avoid them.
If they are rude to your face - just say so. Why expect someone else to fight your battles. You don’t need a knight to save you.

She isn't expecting anyone to fight her battles, she expects support from her OH. if you havent been in the situation you wouldn't know how difficult it is to raise the concern with obstinate OH parents if they talk over her and are dismissive and laugh at her. Oc its up to her OH to address it now. Shes lost confidence that theyll listen.

Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 12:26

*His parents

Mari9999 · 19/09/2023 12:31

@Fedupwithitalll
OP, as an intelligent woman with 2 degrees,why do you need anyone to speak up for you? Surely, you are intelligent enough and capable enough to speak up for yourself.

As a spouse or partner, knowing that you are both intelligent and articulate, I would assume that your failure to speak up for yourself means that you are comfortable with the status quo. After all, you're not a dependent or challenged child.. You can leave him, but then whose responsibility will it be to speak up for you? Will you then suddenly become capable of speaking up for yourself!

GangOfNineteenWuds · 19/09/2023 12:32

You stop seeing them, stop speaking to them if they call. Your teen child is old enough to vote with their feet so no doubt they will be happy not to see them too. It isn't great that you have allowed this for so long that your child sees this. But you aren't being manhandled into a car to see them so stop going round. If your Dh wants to see them he can arrange that himself but I would encourage him to go to them rather than having them step foot in your home again.

You don't need to justify yourself to your Dh or your in-laws. Simply be done.

FofB · 19/09/2023 12:33

Like another poster said, I stopped organising. They upset my daughter and that was it.

No more Sunday Lunches, no more cards etc. However, I made it perfectly clear that if OH wants to organise, sort out etc I've no problem with that.

If they come over and I'm doing something, I will keep doing it and OH is expected to entertain/chat. Last time I was painting a door when they turned up- I was super polite but said that because I needed to get the coat finished, I would leave them downstairs with OH. OH hates doing this sort of thing so they didn't have that much to say to each other.

Weirdly, (not really, I knew it would happen) we rarely see them as I don't organise and if OH wants to see his own parents, he can sort it out for himself. No big fall outs just slowly fading away from them. I think 20 years is plenty of time to put up with this rubbish OP.

Original poster
Fedupwithitalll · 19/09/2023 12:35

@Mari9999 I think you have misunderstood what I meant. I am more than capable of standing up for myself as I do in every other aspect of my life. It's only because I respect my husband and don't want to make it complicated for him that I don't. But that doesn't mean I can't hope he might want to say something one my behalf at some point. I'm not quite sure why the aggressive tone but thanks for your help anyway 😂

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 12:38

Fedupwithitalll · 19/09/2023 12:35

@Mari9999 I think you have misunderstood what I meant. I am more than capable of standing up for myself as I do in every other aspect of my life. It's only because I respect my husband and don't want to make it complicated for him that I don't. But that doesn't mean I can't hope he might want to say something one my behalf at some point. I'm not quite sure why the aggressive tone but thanks for your help anyway 😂

I understand, because ive been there. Tbh you have 3 options, 1)have words with OH to have words else you cannot be around them anymore because of your mental health and your childs. 2) if he doesn't, do it yourself, if OH won't, its not your problem if your OH had difficulties from his parents over this 3) go no contact.

All the best OP

twilightcafe · 19/09/2023 12:39

Screw them. Keep your interactions with them to the bare minimum.
Been there, done that with SIL and BIL.
You can't control their behaviour and you'll never change them.
So focus on what you can control - which is how you deal with them.

Original poster
Fedupwithitalll · 19/09/2023 12:40

@Garihairy sorry I didn't write that properly. He doesn't stop me. I mean it's only because I care about my husband and don't want to put him in a difficult situation that I don't speak up.

OP posts:
mosiacmaker · 19/09/2023 12:42

Can’t you just refuse to see them? Refuse to have Christmas with them if you do now? Make excuses for any family event? That might be the best way to push your husband to act as he will either have to not be with your or them for Christmas and might finally realise he has a responsibility to mediate.

Garihairy · 19/09/2023 12:51

Fedupwithitalll · 19/09/2023 12:40

@Garihairy sorry I didn't write that properly. He doesn't stop me. I mean it's only because I care about my husband and don't want to put him in a difficult situation that I don't speak up.

Yet he doesn't seem to have an issue with watching you in the situation his parents are trying to put you in.

I can understand why he doesn't stand up to them, he needs to protect himself. He'll know the consequences of 'crossing' them so letting you take their shit is easier on him.

Should I cut my losses and run? I feel like it

Yes.

Azaeleasinbloom · 19/09/2023 12:53

Another here who minimised contact with uncaring, unkind MIL.

I don’t think she was self-aware enough to be intentionally rude / uncaring, but she was so self absorbed and entitled it made being in her company difficult for me ( e.g. someone in my family was ill, MIL had it worse sort of thing, to an appalling degree).

I left it to DH and stopped organising things for his side of the family. It was liberating.