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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In law's hate me

52 replies

Fedupwithitalll · 18/09/2023 21:13

I've been married 20 years. My in-laws have never liked me (they are middle class aspiring to be upper class and I am working/benefit class). I love my husband to bits but he has never stood up for me when they belittle me etc. I have two degrees (one is a master's, I am only bringing it up because I am going by their terms of "intelligence") but they still treat me like I am an absolute idiot. It has got to the stage where my teenage child recognises that they bully me. My husband agrees that they do but doesn't say anything etc. Should I cut my losses and run? I feel like it

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 19/09/2023 12:58

So stop spending time with them. Completely. Your OH obviously values and wants to continue his relationship with them, so let him. Just leave him to it. Don't visit them. At all. If they come to yours, go out for the day. After 20 years I honestly wouldn't care what they think of this new departure and it would be for your OH to explain - he seemingly lacks the balls to stand up to them on your behalf so I really wouldn't have a problem leaving him to explain to them why you have suddenly disappeared without a trace.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 19/09/2023 13:08

Fedupwithitalll · 18/09/2023 21:25

I haven't been direct no, purely for my husband's sake. They are the kind of people who say that they don't like conflict (which actually means they ignore/cut off anyone who brings any grievance up to them). They belittle me by asking a question then as soon as I try to answer don't listen/talk over me and laugh. If I try to stay quiet to avoid that they will single me out with a question just so that they can do that.

Whoa, back up, they are no better than you are, at least you’re not rude, unlike them. Never apologise for or let anyone put you down because of your working class background. They are as working class as you are..
Unless you’re born into Royalty we are all working class, Don’t rely on your husband to back you up, he should but find your ovaries of steel. Start pulling them up on it, ask them what they are laughing at.

MMmomDD · 19/09/2023 18:58

I think of any of this was new behaviour on their side - then i’d get the annoyance at your H.
But as this seems to have gone on for years; and you haven't raised it with him; and haven’t addressed it yourself (as he knows you are capable of doing in other parts of your life) - I think your H assumes you just tune it out and not let it bother you.
A normal assumption because i really cant imagine anyone would keep quiet over something bothered them for this long.

Are you possibly peri? I think this is the age when we often get tired of things that we pretended to not have bothered us…

firstmummy2019 · 19/09/2023 20:38

Next time they try to belittle you, stand up, say nothing and walk out the door. Actions speak louder than words. Then tell your husband you will have nothing more to do with them. The odious creatures!

WelcomeToLagos · 19/09/2023 21:25

Fedupwithitalll · 19/09/2023 12:35

@Mari9999 I think you have misunderstood what I meant. I am more than capable of standing up for myself as I do in every other aspect of my life. It's only because I respect my husband and don't want to make it complicated for him that I don't. But that doesn't mean I can't hope he might want to say something one my behalf at some point. I'm not quite sure why the aggressive tone but thanks for your help anyway 😂

Perhaps, given that you can handle conflict effectively in other parts of your life, you could find a light hearted and good natured way to say “I see you, and I see what you’re doing”.

Can you give some examples of being treated as if you are an idiot?
Alternatively, could you needle a touch? Just airily let them know that you seen nothing in their values that you would aspire to.

Another alternative would be to passiveaggressively let them know how ill mannered they are: perhaps admiration for the late queen has how she made everyone feel comfortable even though she met some shocking bores and braggarts. Such a good example.

Ohthatsabitshit · 19/09/2023 21:31

Just stop being a wuss and stand up for yourself. You’re not being kind to your husband you’re allowing him to be an arse.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 19/09/2023 21:32

Your dh has put himself in the position - of being a shit dh. He isn't married to his dps and his loyalty should be to you. Never see them again op. Honestly it's life changing.

Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 21:34

Ohthatsabitshit · 19/09/2023 21:31

Just stop being a wuss and stand up for yourself. You’re not being kind to your husband you’re allowing him to be an arse.

Dont put this on OP. Shes being easy on DH tbh...i would have said sort your family out else im not going to ever be in the same room as them again...Her OH family are abusive. Calling OP a wuss is out of order. You bad tempered, critical bleep

LifeExperience · 19/09/2023 21:37

Your husband should speak up without you having to ask. Mine would, in fact he did, immediately, and without hesitation. He told his mother off in no uncertain terms, and she never said another bad word again. That's what a loving husband does.

Your husband doesn't respect you enough to take the initiative, man up, and say what has to be said. And love can't exist without respect.

Ohthatsabitshit · 19/09/2023 21:37

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TheThunderer · 19/09/2023 21:39

Your husband is the one putting you in this situation.

Would you let your parents treat him like this?

Mmhmmn · 19/09/2023 21:43

"I haven't been direct no, purely for my husband's sake."

It all sounds very one way. What has DH done, or not done, for your sake? Doesn't he ever even ask you what were you saying? to make a point when they ask you stuff then talk over you? (That would be the minimum to expect of him)

Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 21:47

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Exactly!!! That's why i dont put up with bs anymore from vicious comments from people like you. You just want a reaction...like looking through my posts then slagging me off when you dont know my previous circumstances. You wont knock me down, you're small fry. Ignoring.

Gremlins101 · 19/09/2023 21:52

Plus 1 for leaving your in laws up to your husband. Either don't see them, or if you have to, be peripheral. Leave your husband do all the organising. Don't let the bastards grind you down, OP.

Thepossibility · 19/09/2023 22:16

I wouldn't be going anywhere near people that treated me like that!
Especially for my DH sake if he didn't bother to stand up for me.
He can visit them on his own.
Once in our younger days my MIL had a go at me in my own home when we were hosting them. She had waited until DH and FIL went outside.
When they left I told DH very calmly that I had held my tongue for his sake but I wouldn't be hosting them in my house again.
Over the years I've put in boundaries with them and it actually allowed DH do the same.
Now we actually have a fantastic relationship with them. As EQUALS.

Mari9999 · 19/09/2023 22:34

I don't think that not speaking up for one's self makes anyone's life better. By not speaking up you are making a profound statement about the respect you have for yourself, and yet you are expecting a spouse or partner to have more respect for than you have for yourself.

Speaking up does not require one to be rude, aggressive, or confrontational. You can be politely articulate ,and the recipients may or may not be responsive, but they then know the measure of the person with whom they are dealing.

Ohthatsabitshit · 19/09/2023 23:21

Mari9999 · 19/09/2023 22:34

I don't think that not speaking up for one's self makes anyone's life better. By not speaking up you are making a profound statement about the respect you have for yourself, and yet you are expecting a spouse or partner to have more respect for than you have for yourself.

Speaking up does not require one to be rude, aggressive, or confrontational. You can be politely articulate ,and the recipients may or may not be responsive, but they then know the measure of the person with whom they are dealing.

I agree with this. It’s not a good idea to allow people to treat you badly to keep the peace. You can’t change their behaviour but you can respond to it.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 19/09/2023 23:33

Fedupwithitalll · 19/09/2023 12:40

@Garihairy sorry I didn't write that properly. He doesn't stop me. I mean it's only because I care about my husband and don't want to put him in a difficult situation that I don't speak up.

Whereas on the other hand, your husband doesn't seem to care that you are often put in a difficult situation, and he expects you to put up with it so as not to rock the boat.

Rather unfair of him, don't you think?

Maplestars · 19/09/2023 23:35

haven't been direct no, purely for my husband's sake
why? He’s not been bothered about how you feel for 20 years.

Cornishclio · 19/09/2023 23:46

Given your husband doesn't stand up for you I don't know why you still respect him. Set your child a good example and stand up for yourself and point out how rude they are.

Mari9999 · 19/09/2023 23:57

@Cornishclio
Why should a husband or wife respect someone who does not have enough respect for them self to speak up. Perhaps he is of the opinion that if being a doormat is how you chose to handle a particular relationship, he will respect you enough to honor your choice.

I think that most men and women hope to marry a fully functioning adult rather than an adult who at times chooses to take on the role and posture of a dependent child.. The very sad thing is to then blame the partner and say that you did it for them

Original poster
Fedupwithitalll · 20/09/2023 00:26

Thank you all for your answers and advice. I just needed to vent and get a little outside perspective. I am quite a self assured person which is why the people on here name calling and trolling me doesn't bother me. It just got to me a little bit of biting my tongue after so many years. But yes I will definitely not bother seeing them again. My husband is a lovely non confrontational person, and while yes he probably should have spoken up, like anything in life it's not that simple. If I didn't love him obviously I would just leave! Lol. In every other aspect in our life he is great. Anyway thank you for the replies and I will take on board the helpful advice I was given. ☺️

OP posts:
leighqt · 20/09/2023 00:28

Because even though she is capable she is respectful to her husband yet he’s is not to her which must change

Tinkukumar1986 · 20/09/2023 01:03

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Onlinetherapist · 20/09/2023 08:13

@Fedupwithitalll I’ve been in a very similar situation myself.

What kind of contact do you have with them? Do they live close by? Or do you need to stay at theirs/them
at yours because of distance? How often, eg just special occasions?