Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends a crack head

96 replies

Inshock4 · 18/09/2023 19:05

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I've realised over recent weeks my partner has a problem.

He's now lost his job and is depressed. He suffers from severe pain and I believe this has led him down this road.

He's always in debt. Always borrowing money.

He's now got people after him. It absolutely breaks My heart. I've seen the pipe. I know its happening.

We don't live together. I'm so frightened for him and upset. I know the obvious is to leave him. But I genuinely love him and want him safe.

What do I do. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inshock4 · 18/09/2023 23:04

I really really don't want to be around it or live in this hell. I'm in absolute emotional pain about leaving him to rot because he's always mattered alot to me. He will be getting a wide birth now unless he sorts himself out.

I will hope that he doesn't get hurt though. I hope that's something he avoids.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 18/09/2023 23:10

Inshock4 · 18/09/2023 23:04

I really really don't want to be around it or live in this hell. I'm in absolute emotional pain about leaving him to rot because he's always mattered alot to me. He will be getting a wide birth now unless he sorts himself out.

I will hope that he doesn't get hurt though. I hope that's something he avoids.

No No No - there cannot be any ‘unless’. You will never know whether he has settled all his debts. You will never know whether dangerous people have a problem with him.

For your children’s safety, this has to end with no hope of ever getting back with him. You are taking a massive risk if you do not end this now.

QueenBitch666 · 18/09/2023 23:19

Run like hell. You've no idea of the danger you are in staying with him

Radiodread · 18/09/2023 23:19

Yeah, really, why so much concern for him and seemingly less for yourself, and your kids? Your priorities are completely wrong.

Blueeyedmale · 18/09/2023 23:20

OP if he wants to get off drugs badly enough he and only will do,he has to do it for himself,the best thing for me was for me to lose those around me,in a way it helped me I could slowly see my rock bottom but I spent the best part 20 years in addiction, I've been clean approaching 10 years,it took a long time to convince the court probation etc I could be a dad,now every weekend I have my son have a good job my own place,there are success stories but its one hell of a journey and not one that you should ride with him,you cant put yourself through that, he needs professional help but to get that he's got to want it so bad,please don't put yourself through this

flosset · 18/09/2023 23:21

Handhold OP. I recently found a burnt spoon with what looks like heroin on it when cleaning my brother's house. He has addictions but first I've seen this. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I really feel for you xx

Uurrjb · 18/09/2023 23:21

What is it that you love about him? What does he bring to the relationship that makes you love him so much?

LittleObe · 18/09/2023 23:25

You want to choose him over danger. He wouldn't choose you over the pipe though... remember that.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2023 00:25

He will be getting a wide birth now unless he sorts himself out.

My god, you are still in denial. There is no "unless." He will always be a threat to you and your kids. How do you not understand this?

Holidayhouse1010 · 19/09/2023 00:49

Please, please cut him out. My brother is an ex crackhead, now an alcoholic to stop drugs. It has torn my poor parents apart. I no longer see any of them. Protect yourself and your babies.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 19/09/2023 03:01

Addicts cause so much pain to people who care for them. Your pain will lessen once you don't speak with or see him again.

Paynefully · 19/09/2023 03:12

I went to school with a girl who got involved with a drug addict.

She had a good family, nice upbringing, got herself a decent career and had just brought herself her dream car. He eventually pushed her into drugs and she lost everything. Her family, everything. She said would steal money to buy their drugs.

They’ve recently been involved in the stabbing and murder of a teen lad over drugs. And the boyfriend ad recently been stabbed, on the same day she tried killing herself.

she’s often found in the front of my friends town house picking up her smoked fag-ends and smoking what’s left of them.

it haunts me how she is now knowing how she was a few years ago.

she could never leave him, he always threatened suicide and played the victim.

it’s not the life you want OP. Get out while you can. You need a stiff upper lip. If he makes threats to his life, ignore him and make the police aware and ask for a welfare check if you feel like you have to do something.

WandaWonder · 19/09/2023 04:27

Maybe try and be happy on your own first, it seems like you think having him is better than no one, you will never be happy thinking that

user1492757084 · 19/09/2023 05:29

Give him the phone numbers of a few adict help lines and leave without a trace. Change your phone number and don't interact with him again - ever.

Bananalanacake · 19/09/2023 05:38

Well done on not letting him move in with you.

Original poster
Inshock4 · 19/09/2023 06:45

An honest update he's just phoned me saying he's leaving his flat and he is going. He said he has no fags. I told him the rent could be sorted and he could sort these things amd he yelled saying yeah I could have had a life and continued to shout. He said Its all me. I always start. I cause all his problems. He told me to fuck off. I told him he's got a drug problem and debts and there are his issues. I asked where his puppy is amd he told me to f off and hung up.

I've blocked him number. I can't deal with him.

I'm not sure how today may go. He may start pestering me. He said he switched his phone off last night.

He says I'm annoying him so if he wants to be left alone he can.

This part is hard for me because I know if he screws up this flat and leaves he will not get another opportunity for a home and he'll be on the streets. But he's refusing to listen and sort it.

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this it's exhausting. But I know deep down I have to let him do it alone and hope he doesn't make it hard for me.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 19/09/2023 06:49

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this it's exhausting

you dint have to deal with it. It speaks to you like shit and is a drug addict. And, most importantly, you have children.

block him. Stop contacting him.

Original poster
Inshock4 · 19/09/2023 06:53

Thank you for all the responses.

I was reading up alot last night and his behaviour is almost BPD. The push pull dynamics. The mood swings. The unable to see me good then seeing me good again. It's a vicious circle. The addiction has really ramped up alot of things.

The cold heartless way he's turned yesterday speaks alot to me..I can't deal with it anymore. I wouldn't ever dabble with him. Can't think of anything worse. I dont even smoke. But I do understand how they begin to take over so its always about them and never you.

Thank you for everyone's comments I have read them all. I'm tired and restless. But this needs to happen.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 19/09/2023 07:04

Sounds like he is self sabotaging and blaming you for everything. Please just do not contact him again.

A family member of mine is a consultant psychiatrist specialising in addiction, he says no one can help addicts unless they want to help themselves. This man is certainly not in this space. He may never get there or it could take him years. You can not help him.

TicTac80 · 19/09/2023 07:10

Glad you blocked him. He doesn't have a key to your place, does he?

FWIW, you could be kinder and more good than the angels above, but he would still blame you for whatever problem. XH did similar to me. And you can't save an addict - they have to want to get better/help themselves - otherwise all the begging, cajoling, love, rehab, counselling, interventions etc will mean diddlysquat.

Original poster
Inshock4 · 19/09/2023 07:44

Update called from a phone box he's asked me for fags I said no. He says he's going on a train to London (2 hours away) he has no money and no plan for when he gets there.

Pretty sure it's all attention seeking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inshock4 · 19/09/2023 07:44

He doesn't have a key no. But he has on occasion come to the door when he has had no phone.

OP posts:
8990m · 19/09/2023 08:42

You know they lie don’t you and lay it on thick? He’s seeing you as another source of income to fund his habit and yes he will steal off you and yes he is probably lying to you so you feel sorry for him and stick around.
They never change, run don’t walk!

gamerchick · 19/09/2023 08:48

Inshock4 · 19/09/2023 07:44

Update called from a phone box he's asked me for fags I said no. He says he's going on a train to London (2 hours away) he has no money and no plan for when he gets there.

Pretty sure it's all attention seeking.

You'll not unsee that now. When he realises that this tactic no longer works, he'll change it. Be ready but don't get involved yourself. When he starts threatening suicide, don't engage and ask police to do a welfare check. He'll only pull that one once.

Catsafterme · 19/09/2023 08:54

I know you're likely looking for reasons for this behavior like BPD but it is the drugs, this is what addicts do.

There will be no end to it, he will threaten, be horrible to you, cut you off, reappear and try another angle, scream and cut you off, reappear and try another angle.

He needs fags, which means he has no money and that's what this is all about. He's breadcrumbing to the real issue that he needs money for drugs.

Stop worrying about this man, there is no fixing him, he is on a destructive path and he will drag you and your children down into the abyss and you will lose everything.