Uninvited from friends wedding

[Walkingloads]

One of my closest friends is getting married next year. She sent me the save the date a few months ago and told me my sister and son are invited as well.

Anyways, we were talking the other day on WhatsApp and I asked how she was feeling about the wedding. She told me they’ve decided to cancel the venue and just do registry and restaurant with immediate family only (15 people max.) She said the reason was because they don’t want to spend 15k on a wedding and would rather save the money for something else. She said ‘fuck it’ and ‘gonna be savage.’

Obviously I’m not disputing the fact that it’s their wedding and she has no obligation to spend a lot of money on one day and I understand her wanting to save money. But this kind of contradicts with something she told me months ago, that her partners mum was paying for the venue as they can’t afford it. She never mentioned her partners mum in the recent conversation we had.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Not by her choosing to have a small wedding but by the fact that a) it’s clear she’d already made that decision before telling me and she only brought it up because I asked about the wedding and b) her ‘fuck it’ and ‘gonna be savage’ comments. I am sad that I won’t be there on the day and it just seems a bit ruthless to say these things with no regards to my feelings. I personally would have handled it a bit more delicately and let her know I will miss her on the day etc or would have loved for to be able to come.
Should I assume the friendship is over?

You have a right to feel how you feel about this and no-one else can tell you what that should be. Personally, I wouldn't be bothered and I certainly wouldn't think the friendship was over. But you do you.

I can only speak from my own perspective here. If this was one of my close friends it wouldn't bother me at all. Things have changed, she's been honest with you about this and let you know ASAP. Perhaps something has happened with her partner's mum's offer that's none of your business?

I do think, unless there's a huge backstory, and she's generally not actually a good friend, that assuming the friendship is over is a massive leap and an overreaction.

I wouldn’t assume the friendship is over because her decision wasn’t actually about you

Maybe her fiancés mum isn’t able to pay anymore or they’ve fallen out or something

You don't know what's going on. Maybe her family is now struggling financially and so offers that were previously on the table aren't anymore.
I'd just forget about it tbh.

It doesn't sound like it has anything to do with you.

Maybe the partner's mother was paying for the venue but it came with massive strings attached and was causing them so much hassle that they decided to call off the big fancy wedding and just have a cheap registry office do that they can afford.

I've seen quite a few threads on here where the OP has complained about parents or in-laws wanting to dictate wedding arrangements and it transpires that they're paying for all or a big part of it and there are always a few posters who say, "Give the money back, cancel the wedding, just get married at the registry office instead."

See if your friend wants to talk about what has happened but don't put any pressure on her or make it about you.

I'd assume there was some dramatic backstory that has nothing to do with you or your friendship so wedding plans have had to change due to finances. She's probably embarrassed about the whole thing.

I absolutely wouldn't assume your friendship was over. It's not like the guest list is still huge. Loads of people have been cut I'd imagine.

It sounds like she's completly changed the scope of the wedding and "univited" the vast majority of the origional guests.

You seem to be taking it personally as if it's just you that's be univited.

It's maybe a bit off the way she told you, ut ti seems likely she hadn't gotten around to telling everyone yet, and as you directly asked about it felt she didn't want to lie.

My brother didn't tell me he was getting married until afterwards. It was registry office with a only couple of friends as witnesses and they had been together for ever, but it would have been nice to know even if we weren't invited. I did take a nice present next time we saw them.

You can still go to the actual ceremony. It might be worth suggesting it to see what the reaction is.

Why would you think the friendship is over? She didn’t exactly say ‘I have to be brutal, you’re not coming’, the fact she was so honest surely says she feels close enough to tell you. I’d assume the relative who was going to pay realised they couldn’t afford it with we or they needed that money. I don’t think you need to be hurt, it is sad not seeing your friend get married, it’s happened to me too, but it was totally the right thing (from someone who got into years of debt from a wedding!!) Celebrate with your friend another time x

Why would you think that your friendship is over? Do you really think she's terminating all relationships bar the ones with the 15 family members still going to the wedding?

Perhaps her partner's mum can no longer afford to pay for it. Perhaps she could, but was too controlling, so your friend wanted to take back control of her own wedding. Perhaps there's been a falling out.

None of these things are about you.

It’s highly likely that her partner’s mum’s financial situation has changed in the current situation, and she can no longer justify paying thousands for a wedding. Your friend also can’t afford it, so they’ve opted for a small, cost-friendly event.
Her blasé attitude about it could have a lot to do with saving face because she can’t afford a big wedding anymore, and she’s possibly a bit embarrassed about the save-the-dates.

If she were still having the big wedding and cancelled your invite, then you would be right to be hurt.

instead, she accepted her financial limitations and cancelled the big wedding. It has nothing to do with you.

there is a bravado in her statements that indicates she isn’t entirely happy with this turn of events.

if you were a good friend, you would be kind and supportive right now. You might even do something special for her to help celebrate her upcoming marriage.

Why would your friendship be over because she needs to scale down her wedding? Personally, I'd be pleased I don't have to go and spend money on outfits and accommodation, but that's just me. The majority of people are struggling financially so its a no-brainer to scale it back. She may have come across as blunt because she's been backed into a corner financially and has had to block off being emotional about it so she doesn't get upset. It doesn't sound as though this is her perfect scenario for her wedding so maybe be kind to her and support her. She may be struggling to deal with her own feelings about it, let alone putting yours first. Its only a wedding. If you're keen to celebrate with her, maybe organise a girls night out or a quiet dinner.

With the best will in the world she doesn't owe you a wedding, and I doubt you were a factor in the decision at all. Maybe her future MIL has offered to pay and they thought they'd use the money towards a fabulous honeymoon or house deposit - it doesn't really matter. People are allowed to change their minds.

It worries me a little that you have jumped to the worst possible conclusion, and have ascribed rather sinister motives to your friend (you're almost accusing her of lying to you), rather than saying, "Oh great idea, do you still want a hen night?" I think this says a lot about you and your self-image. Have a think for a minute about which is more likely:

Scenario A: you don't have great self-esteem and are liable to interpret outside events as being a comment on your perceived failings as a person

Scenario B: she's an evil lying bitch who cannot stand you and will say and do anything to not have to spend a moment in your company

I hope I haven't come off too harsh, I do mean this kindly.

I understand feeling hurt by her choice of words but it’s a bit of a jump to decide the friendship is over! You don’t know what’s happened about the money and her choice is perfectly understandable. Just because she didn’t word it how you’d have liked her to doenst mean she meant it badly

You're making this into a much bigger deal than it is. The friendship is over because she's now having a registry wedding? Good grief. How dramatic.

Her language sounds like she's trying to put a brave face on a situation she isn't very happy with. Who knows what's going on.

You haven't been singled out. As a friend, why aren't you more concerned about what's really behind the reason she isn't getting her first choice of wedding?

Ok she probably should have let everyone know they no longer need to save the date but other than that, why on earth should you end a friendship because she’s a scaled back her wedding?

Unless there’s a vital detail missing, this isn’t about you at all.

I wouldn't say you are uninvited.

A formal invitation wasn't ever issued and

now the plans have changed. There is no big wedding to attend.

£15,000 is a lot to spend on one day when bills and mortgages are putting people under pressure. It's sensible for her to cut back.

It's a shame though that people feel under pressure to hold large, expensive weddings. One of the best wedding receptions I ever attended was in a church hall with the family of the bride and groom all bringing a dish to provide the food. It was great and affordable.

I think it's actually a reall positive decision. Maybe his parents were willing to pay for the venue but then it would of cost them lots extra for bar, photographer, car, cakes, dresses, flowers. Weddings can be outrageously expensive I'd much rather have a car/ house deposit/ holiday tham an expensive day.

Weddings cause such bad feelings for people. Not everyone can afford lavish weddings. Maybe her partners mum can’t afford to pay for it now, maybe the partners mum is giving them the money for something more useful like a deposit for a house or something.
We only had witnesses for our wedding and eloped. In the moment I was thinking it was a commitment between me and my partner so we didn’t need everyone there, we are introverts and both hate a fuss and most importantly we also couldn’t afford to have a large wedding. We sadly lost friends because of it because they felt hurt. It really saddens me that because we didn’t have the money (but still really wanted to get married) that we lost friends. It was very unexpected.

I wouldn't say your friendship is over.

I'd assume the MIL was attaching massive strings, dictating the guest list, paying for the venue is one thing, big weddings still have a huge amount of other costs, cars, flowers, dresses, food drink, etc.

They were never formally invited in the first place, it was just a 'save the day'.

Perhaps the offer of paying for the wedding was retracted?