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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uninvited from friends wedding

62 replies

Walkingloads · 18/09/2023 14:16

One of my closest friends is getting married next year. She sent me the save the date a few months ago and told me my sister and son are invited as well.

Anyways, we were talking the other day on WhatsApp and I asked how she was feeling about the wedding. She told me they’ve decided to cancel the venue and just do registry and restaurant with immediate family only (15 people max.) She said the reason was because they don’t want to spend 15k on a wedding and would rather save the money for something else. She said ‘fuck it’ and ‘gonna be savage.’

Obviously I’m not disputing the fact that it’s their wedding and she has no obligation to spend a lot of money on one day and I understand her wanting to save money. But this kind of contradicts with something she told me months ago, that her partners mum was paying for the venue as they can’t afford it. She never mentioned her partners mum in the recent conversation we had.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Not by her choosing to have a small wedding but by the fact that a) it’s clear she’d already made that decision before telling me and she only brought it up because I asked about the wedding and b) her ‘fuck it’ and ‘gonna be savage’ comments. I am sad that I won’t be there on the day and it just seems a bit ruthless to say these things with no regards to my feelings. I personally would have handled it a bit more delicately and let her know I will miss her on the day etc or would have loved for to be able to come.
Should I assume the friendship is over?

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingloads · 18/09/2023 14:41

ClawedButler · 18/09/2023 14:30

With the best will in the world she doesn't owe you a wedding, and I doubt you were a factor in the decision at all. Maybe her future MIL has offered to pay and they thought they'd use the money towards a fabulous honeymoon or house deposit - it doesn't really matter. People are allowed to change their minds.

It worries me a little that you have jumped to the worst possible conclusion, and have ascribed rather sinister motives to your friend (you're almost accusing her of lying to you), rather than saying, "Oh great idea, do you still want a hen night?" I think this says a lot about you and your self-image. Have a think for a minute about which is more likely:

Scenario A: you don't have great self-esteem and are liable to interpret outside events as being a comment on your perceived failings as a person

Scenario B: she's an evil lying bitch who cannot stand you and will say and do anything to not have to spend a moment in your company

I hope I haven't come off too harsh, I do mean this kindly.

I think you’re probably right.
Sorry to drip feed but I had a baby last year and none of my friends have children yet, we’re all in our earlier twenties so my life changed and there’s stayed the same.
I have struggled with feeling like a bad friend ever since, because I don’t have time for her like I use to and it’s hard to believe that ‘she’ll understand’ when I know she probably won’t because she’s not a mum.
So when she un invited me my brain jumped to the conclusion that she’s lying to me and just doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Typing this out now I realise how irrational I sound. And I probably need to work on my self esteem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingloads · 18/09/2023 14:42

Thanks all for the comments, they’ve definitely helped me change my perspective.

OP posts:
whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 14:43

I shouldn't be surprised by how self absorbed people are, but I am. Her wedding is all about you,. and your feelings, and your friendship?

Man. People be weird.

TeeBee · 18/09/2023 14:44

'Mate, that's a sensible decision to scale back if its a financial push. Nobody wants to start married life in debt and I'm sure most people will totally understand. Would you like me to organise a hen night/girly night where everyone pays their own way? Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I appreciate it must have been a difficult decision, however sensible. xx'

Pipsquiggle · 18/09/2023 14:46

I wouldn't take it personally. Sounds like hardly anyone is going. Yes it's slightly sad you won't see a best mate get married but she's getting the marriage she wants.

VeridicalVagabond · 18/09/2023 14:47

Is it possible the offer of paying for the wedding has been retracted? And her "fuck it" and "be a savage" comments are more her trying to tough out an enormous disappointment? It sounds like false bravado to me more than her saying "fuck it, I didn't want you lot there anyway".

Calmdown14 · 18/09/2023 14:48

I had a similar size wedding, no friends, just immediate family.

Not because I wanted to exclude friends but just because as soon as you invite one you are in awkward territory.

I don't think anyone can really argue with siblings and parents, which it sounds like this is.

In the current climate it seems a very sensible decision and in no way a reflection on your friendship.

She perhaps should have told you earlier but otherwise I don't really see she's done anything wrong.

Seaoftroubles · 18/09/2023 14:49

Honestly, it doesn't sound as if any of this is about you, but rather family issues which have meant she's had to downsize her wedding, hence her comments about it being 'savage'. No reason at all why you shouldn't still be friends. Be supportive rather than taking it personally.

Galatine · 18/09/2023 14:59

You are being massively unreasonable. It's not as if, as hinted in you title, that she just uninvited you and let everyone else attend.
Secondly she and her fiancé can organise their wedding in any way they choose.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2023 15:15

It’s not personal, don’t take it that way.

Reminds me of a wedding I was invited to years ago. Invited to the wedding, I accepted. Wedding was cancelled then reinstated but very small and I was no longer invited, I completely understood and wished them well. Then I was reinvited but by then I had other plans and she was so angry I could no longer make it she stopped speaking to me.

saraclara · 18/09/2023 15:17

I'm glad you've seen sense. This doesn't sound remotely personal or about you. You're being treated the same as every other non-family person who got a 'save the date'

It's blindingly clear that something had happened amiss for the big plan (which depended on someone else's cash) to be abandoned.

To be honest, if anything you're the friend who's found (a little bit) wanting here. I imagine that she's upset but trying to put a brave face on it. And you didn't even ask her how she feels about that, or give her an opening to unload what's gone wrong. You jumped straight to thinking about about yourself and dumping her as a friend.

saraclara · 18/09/2023 15:19

..her "fuck it" and "be savage" comments are more her trying to tough out an enormous disappointment? It sounds like false bravado to me more than her saying "fuck it, I didn't want you lot there anyway".

Absolutely that.

TeaKitten · 18/09/2023 15:20

whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 14:43

I shouldn't be surprised by how self absorbed people are, but I am. Her wedding is all about you,. and your feelings, and your friendship?

Man. People be weird.

Better being weird than just being a cow to strangers for fun.

Glad this thread has helped you OP. Ignore shitty comments like this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 16:49

Shoxfordian · 18/09/2023 14:24

I wouldn’t assume the friendship is over because her decision wasn’t actually about you

Maybe her fiancés mum isn’t able to pay anymore or they’ve fallen out or something

Or maybe could only pay for the venue and they couldn't afford all the other thousands of pounds to pay.

One of my friends got married family only- I was sad not to be there but not angry AT her

Lavender14 · 18/09/2023 16:54

I think it's a bit of a leap to assume the friendship is over. She's changed her mind. My parents gave us money towards our wedding but it was the same amount regardless of how much of it we used. Perhaps its a similar arrangement and she wants the money to go towards a house for example. Perhaps that family members circumstances have changed and its no longer an option at all and your friend doesn't want to say that. Perhaps the money came with lists of demands and it was easier to decline it. She's entitled to have whatever day she wants it's not about you at all. In fact I'd see her comments to you about being savage as her trying to be funny to mitigate the awkwardness and something she would only do with someone she is very close with. I think you're overreacting a bit.

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/09/2023 22:53

I wouldn't think anything of it, it's nothing to do with you what she has or does on her wedding day really.

Tartantotty · 26/09/2023 17:33

Good on her for having a small wedding - way too many people spend thousands on the day and regret it afterwards.

This, I assume, has nothing to do with you so please don't take it personally. S

smithsinarazz · 13/10/2023 22:37

Add together two people's parents, step-parents, siblings and siblings' partners and I'd be amazed if you had any space at all if you'd set the limit at 15 people.

I got a phone call from my mum a couple of years ago, she said "Just to let you know, [your brother]'s getting married tomorrow." He had a little open-air wedding with a few bridesmaids and his mother-in-law present. It was the aftermath of lockdown, he was in New Zealand, he's not great at family gatherings anyway... I thought, actually, he's got the wedding he wanted. And good for him.
These days we're ok with the idea that nobody's obliged to get married; we're less ok with the idea that you don't have to spend shed loads of money throwing a massive party!
Your friend's tried to explain the situation to you- please don't be hurt! Just take her and her husband out for a drink when they get back. I speak from bitter experience - it's far more important to keep your friends than to voice a grievance. Something I'm getting, though, and again I say this because I know how it feels- is that perhaps you're hurt because you think the friendship is over, rather than because it is, which implies that you aren't loving yourself enough, know what I mean? Sometimes it helps to say to yourself, "I'm a really lovable, valuable person and I haven't done anything wrong". Then it might be easier to say to yourself "so therefore, if So-and-so says the wedding's going to be immediate family only, there's no reason to think she's actually going to be having a big party with everyone except me"
Take care of yourself, love yourself and don't make up horrible stories about yourself! Xx

RoseAndRose · 13/10/2023 22:43

It's entirely her prerogative to change her wedding.

But it was rude for her to tell you in this way. As soon as the new plan was settled, she should have contacted everyone she'd sent an STD and explained tactfully what had happened and that they did not need to hold the date.

WandaWonder · 13/10/2023 22:46

Why the need for the dramatics I would wish them well tell then I hope it is a great day and carry on like normal, your thoughts sound like hard work

MariaLuna · 13/10/2023 22:51

You sound far too invested. Life is expensive now, people can hardly pay their bills.

I get they have changed their thoughts about it.
Nothing to do with you personally. Please don't make it so.

VaccineSticker · 13/10/2023 23:16

I would expect my bf to ring me to tell me about the change of plans rather than casually on WhatsApp. I disagree with the other posters. She is not your friend.

Climbingthehillfast · 14/10/2023 07:03

When is the wedding? You’ll know if she was lying or not? Any friends disinvited?

Basilton · 14/10/2023 07:14

I think you are being ridiculous. She hasn’t uninvited you to her wedding, she has had a change of wedding plans and I am sure she has her reasons. That you are even thinking that the friendship is over because a friend changed her wedding plans, is quite odd.

PickledPurplePickle · 14/10/2023 07:36

Why on earth would you end the friendship because of this?

Are you looking for and excuse to end it?