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Original poster

Long distance relationship feels pointless

65 replies

Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:32

I'm 38 in the UK and he's 32 in Australia.
We've been talking online for over a year, have weekly video calls etc. He says he loves me, and I do feel a great connection with him.

The distance seemed like something we could get over but now I'm suddenly not so sure.
There was talk of him coming here to live someday. However now he is saying it would be easier for me to go there, but nothing has been ruled out at this point. There are some things I'm noticing. He lives in his mother's property, not actually with her but she basically bought him a a place. He doesn't work nor is he looking for work. His mother seems very involved in his life. She is dismissive of me and I get the impression she doesn't want him to come here. Not even to visit.
I was initially swept up in things and booked a trip but as it gets closer im feeling like cancelling it.
I wouldn't want to move there because I have a career and house here.
Just suddenly I'm feeling very disconnected and it feels like it's just...empty words. We fought about this recently and he says it isn't. But ...I'm having serious doubts.
I'm very attached to him and it would hurt me to let him go but..
Does anyone have any advice or experience of anything like this?
Please be kind. I'm pretty fragile right now.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 18/09/2023 12:34

Have you ever met? Otherwise you are just penpals really aren't you?

Doggymummar · 18/09/2023 12:35

Sorry if that's unkind, but I don't think it's a relationship if you haven't met, different if circumstances had forced this situation and you were a couple before

Catsafterme · 18/09/2023 12:37

Hmm, well if he's not willing to move here and you don't want to move there... it's likely to continue being a long distance relationship I would say. Suppose it depends on whether you can continue a relationship with that amount of distance and not see each other physically for long periods of time.

I mean for either of you it's a big jump moving that far from where you currently are...

Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:38

No I agree really. Guess it felt like a relationship but... it actually isn't. I don't think I'll ever meet him now. Seems so impossible.

OP posts:
Candleabra · 18/09/2023 12:40

Long distance relationships are hard. There’s always a point where the initial connection and euphoria wear off, and you’re wondering what’s next. Then you have to decide if it’s worth it, it sounds like you’ve decided it’s not. Which is fine .

Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:40

He still says that he might want to but he doesn't have the means to. Although if he isn't taking any steps to get a job it's unlikely he ever will have. Its a very big jump indeed.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 18/09/2023 12:41

@Spacedcat83 there are lots and lots of people in life we could have a connection with, fancy and possibly have a relationship with - but other factors have to kind of Aline- and they simply don't here- it's perfectly ok to have him as an online penfriend but this doesn't seem like it would translate into a relationship- if that's what you want-

Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:43

Yes I feel like maybe I have reached that point.
He seems happy to continue like it is. I'm pretty depressed at the moment and it all feels like empty texts and words.
I don't even think the trip is worth it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:45

Yes, I just feel like I could spend years of my life being attached to a fantasy. I'm not getting any younger. I haven't spoken to him about how I'm feeling just now.
Just texting like normal, as...it's just an easy thing to do isn't it.

OP posts:
Sandia1 · 18/09/2023 12:45

Never mind the distance - he doesn't even have a job. This would be a major turn off for me. I doubt he would be allowed to come into the UK without one. His mum is enabliing him to stay there and sees you as a threat. You sound like you have your head screwed on. Let him down gently and forget him, he could be saying all the right things but actions speak louder than words. There are millions more fish in the sea in your own country, believe me! I promise you, you would get over him!

Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:48

It is a major turn off for me. At first it wasn't but now I'm thinking about it much more.
His mum is definitely enabling him. He even told her when we had a fight the other day. She basically lets him live rent free. She said she wants to send him on holiday, but not here lol. It just hurts but I know that is the way things are ultimately.

OP posts:
GreenAventurinee · 18/09/2023 12:51

You’ve got into a routine where this is normal and your life - but you know this isn’t a normal relationship.

You feel sad because you know it’s not going to work. Rip the bandaid off x

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 18/09/2023 12:52

Unemployed mummies boy. You can do better than that OP!

Catsafterme · 18/09/2023 12:53

May just be me but I would also find it odd that a guy without a job would suggest you to relocate when you have a house and career. If it was me in that situation and was long distance with a woman I was really into that strongly I would look to relocate myself.

You've got plenty of time anyway, although may feel like getting old, I do sometimes but actually not. I wouldn't however waste your time waiting, plenty of others around who are less complicated and available.

Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:53

I just wish I had considered all this before I got myself all attached. We chat all day from waking to going to sleep. Its hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:55

Yes, I have my own business which is just getting to be successful. If he really cared...then yes I think he could be looking into how he can make the move honestly.
He just kind of sits at home all day on the internet by the sounds of it.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 18/09/2023 12:57

Not throwing it out there as may not be the case but also be wary of constant communication, as in love bombing because that shit will melt your head into an addiction...did me anyway.

Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 12:57

Lol I think you are right actually.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 13:01

Yes to be honest I have thought that myself. He's very nice with his words...they're nice to hear I guess. He was talking like this pretty soon. It is like an addiction.
Also when we argued the other day about the mum situation etc, I was a bit drunk and went on and on. He was initially pretty good and understanding but eventually got to a point where he blocked me and called me a psycho bitch and threatened to start chatting to someone who appreciates him.
I did profusely apologize but he wouldn't.

OP posts:
GreenAventurinee · 18/09/2023 13:03

Have you ever sent him money OP

Catsafterme · 18/09/2023 13:05

Werp, don't go there he's shown you glimpses. I didn't listen to my gut and being a guy thought nothing of it. Yeah that ended up a nightmare.

Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 13:06

No Definitely not

OP posts:
Original poster
Spacedcat83 · 18/09/2023 13:08

Its definitely occurred to me. Like, I was a bit out of order but I never called him names. And I felt really bad after. He sent me pics of him crying even. Hmm.
Just after this week... something has changed in me somehow.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 18/09/2023 13:08

He called you a psych bitch. Massive red flag. Dump him now.

GingerIsBest · 18/09/2023 13:10

Oh my. this isn't a relationship. He's clearly got issues and you are a "safe" option - a girlfriend who is far away and doesn't actually expect anything of him.

Move on asap.