Long distance relationship feels pointless

[Spacedcat83]

I'm 38 in the UK and he's 32 in Australia.
We've been talking online for over a year, have weekly video calls etc. He says he loves me, and I do feel a great connection with him.

The distance seemed like something we could get over but now I'm suddenly not so sure.
There was talk of him coming here to live someday. However now he is saying it would be easier for me to go there, but nothing has been ruled out at this point. There are some things I'm noticing. He lives in his mother's property, not actually with her but she basically bought him a a place. He doesn't work nor is he looking for work. His mother seems very involved in his life. She is dismissive of me and I get the impression she doesn't want him to come here. Not even to visit.
I was initially swept up in things and booked a trip but as it gets closer im feeling like cancelling it.
I wouldn't want to move there because I have a career and house here.
Just suddenly I'm feeling very disconnected and it feels like it's just...empty words. We fought about this recently and he says it isn't. But ...I'm having serious doubts.
I'm very attached to him and it would hurt me to let him go but..
Does anyone have any advice or experience of anything like this?
Please be kind. I'm pretty fragile right now.

From what I've been through that's the early hallmarks of someone who's abusive. It's emotional and psychological and if you don't understand it or see it you get swept in.

That's what happened to me, nice but also nasty, along with guilt trips. Needless to say it got worse, like a lot worse and even though I am out now it's still continuing in other ways.

There are so many red flags.
You could do so much better for yourself than settling for this OP.

@Spacedcat83 I think you are lonely OP ( many of us have been there)?and have latched into this 'stranger' because it gives life a focal point - get more in your life genuinely , even if it's small steps to start with and I think you will see this for what it is.

I am, yes :(

Yes I think you're right. A lot of red flags. Sometimes I just doubt myself and wonder. I have some mental health issues myself and can make it hard to tell if it's just me.

You're not alone in that sense, it is hard and especially when you then end up having someone to talk to and this happens.

You may not have mental health issues but more along the lines of self esteem or confidence?

That was always my problem, I'm quiet and reserved and is exactly why I fell into that trap. I do know however I would never treat someone the way I was treated and that's the difference.

He has always been nice ..but this other night I was drunk and had all these thoughts about everything and I just wrote it out. I ended up saying he was full of falsities etc. That seemed to offend him. He told me to stop but I kept on.. although I wasn't overtly nasty. And I felt bad later. But yeah the stupid psycho bitch thing and the blocking seemed a bit far. And he screenshot a pic of another girls conversation. Ugh. Today he said he doesn't feel he has anything to apologise for but he forgives me for my behaviour. Just seemed off.

Yeah, I'm quiet and reserved also with poor self esteem. Im not sure what my issues are exactly, I'm sort of undiagnosed. Maybe it is just that actually.
It feels nice to have someone to talk to definitely. I checked and it's actually been two years since we started. I am definitely attached at this point.

He isn't your boyfriend.

Why would you pursue someone who doesn't work and doesn't want to and lives with his mum?

Find someone nearby with some drive and ambition.

Yeah I guess it's easy for him to sit at home far away messaging.
With his mum to take care of him.
He does come across very intelligent but I know it means nothing really.

WTF?

None of this was on even before I got to this point.

Seriously why are you entertaining this "relationship " ?

I wonder how many ‘ girlfriends’ he has ( all long distance, of course).

Yes.. I've thought that too

Ugh...I know...it's wrong isn't it..

This is go the OP:

please get into therapy to work out why this strange, disembodied, relationship quickly became more important to you than it should. Something about the ling distance , perhaps, made it feel safe and convenient where a real person, in your own town and time zone, might have felt dull, or challenging, or he might have sometimes had other commitments that you might have felt rejected by.

Drop this loser, do some work on your real world relationships (friends, hobbyists, family) and look for someone who is real and close by. I’ve got nothing against long distance relationships—was in one myself for five years—but we have since been married for 27 years and “how to be together” was a major focus of our time apart. We both fought, and worked hard, to see each other as much as possible—even flying cross country every month. Because the point of the relationship wasn’t to settle in to night time chats but to be together, have a life.

That's good advice thank you. I have been thinking this.

Well sometimes it takes something to happen for you to look at yourself more deeply. I've always been this way but I think it stems from childhood experiences, that and it's been suggested I may be Autistic by a specialist but that takes a long time to be referred as an adult.

Drinking may not help I suppose, especially if you're lonely but also consider it's been two years of non movement...I don't think I could do long distance, not that kind of distance anyway.

Yes. The drinking wasn't a good idea. I've definitely put a stop to that anyway.
I'll probably feel a lot better once i put a stop to all this.
It was just friendly chat initially, started being more romantic about a year ago but.. yeah..I know it's messed up really.

To me you are just wasting your life away and at 38 you don't have time for that if you want to have children/marriage in near future. Even without children/marriage surely you would want to be with someone who is physically in the same space with you to create a real relationship.

Who are you replying to, OP?
This is not a relationship in any way. You’ve got a mummy’s-basement dwelling loser as an internet friend. He calls you names and you’re throwing away your fertile years (if you want a kid). Never accept such trash as a ‘boyfriend’ again, value yourself.

Agreed

agree with what?

Hmmm I would have cut this off a long time ago. Sounds like a mummy's boy tbh and why would a hard working lady like yourself want one of them

Do you want children, OP?

Sorry if I'm not replying to people's comments properly, I have been pressing the reply button but not sure if it's showing correctly.
Everyone has confirmed what I already thought pretty much.
I realise it's all pretty ridiculous. Not sure if I want kids, probably not tbh. Wasting my time with him if I did. I guess I just wanted some outside clarification.
I'll be cutting this off and certainly not entertaining the thought of going over there.