Long distance relationship feels pointless

[Spacedcat83]

I'm 38 in the UK and he's 32 in Australia.
We've been talking online for over a year, have weekly video calls etc. He says he loves me, and I do feel a great connection with him.

The distance seemed like something we could get over but now I'm suddenly not so sure.
There was talk of him coming here to live someday. However now he is saying it would be easier for me to go there, but nothing has been ruled out at this point. There are some things I'm noticing. He lives in his mother's property, not actually with her but she basically bought him a a place. He doesn't work nor is he looking for work. His mother seems very involved in his life. She is dismissive of me and I get the impression she doesn't want him to come here. Not even to visit.
I was initially swept up in things and booked a trip but as it gets closer im feeling like cancelling it.
I wouldn't want to move there because I have a career and house here.
Just suddenly I'm feeling very disconnected and it feels like it's just...empty words. We fought about this recently and he says it isn't. But ...I'm having serious doubts.
I'm very attached to him and it would hurt me to let him go but..
Does anyone have any advice or experience of anything like this?
Please be kind. I'm pretty fragile right now.

@Spacedcat83 you are worth a lot more lovely - being lonely doesn't mean latching on to 'someone/anyone' - been there, lived with him for 3 years. As soon as I got into a normal lifestyle and worked for a big company and actually met intelligent interesting people day to day- my 1st thought was 'why I am in this substandard relationship' and I realised it was because at the point I met him I simply didn't have enough contact with others - I had divorced, moved away and life felt very disjointed.

I initiated a split and to be frank I've rarely ever thought about him again

It's alright, it's not hard to follow your replies. You can use the @ symbol though if you wanted to mention but not always necessary.

Do you also work from home if you have your own business or do you get out and about? I'm SE and work from home and although it's more freedom it's also lonely in that regard.

Yes my work is pretty isolating and I don't really meet anyone much. I suppose I was blinded by a bit of attention.
I guess I don't blame him for being on the other side of the world, but like another poster said...there's been no real movement. And obviously all the red flags..mum, not working. I'll be ok. It can't ever work. I do realise. I probably should try to open up my life a bit more elsewhere. As this has been taking up too much of my time.

Aw thanks..i had just been pressing reply beneath the comments. Glad it's readable :)
I don't work from home and I am actually dealing with the public except I have no colleagues. I do have some good friends and family but am a bit introverted. I'm based up north and there doesn't seem to be much of a social whirl lol. I'm glad I've had some good advice on here. I suppose I just needed a bit of clarification and I know people are pretty straightforward on here. Its needed though.

Yeah, the conflicting struggles of an introvert. Difficult to be social but also hard being lonely.

Glad see thing clearer now. Focus on your business, it's hard to do should be proud and there will be someone better suited and who understands you, without all the complications.

Thanks for being so kind and helpful. I really hope things are better for you now too. Yep, it's definitely a bit of a fine line as an introvert!

Hi Op, if you want to quote someone’s post to show what you’re replying to you can click on the dots on in upper right hand corner of the post and hit ‘quote’.

There’s so many issues here but I’m glad you have seen there is likely no future with him
and it’s time to move on

. Look up “enmeshment with mother” if you’re not familiar with the concept. This man seems unhealthily attached to his mum and his mum seeks to maintain control over her son hence why she’s probably not encouraging him to get a job and travel on his own dime etc. it’s an unhealthy dynamic and you’d always have his mum inserting herself in your relationship with his full permission.

In terms of the distance thing, generally it can sometimes work but only when both parties seek to actually meet and then build a life together. But in your case I don’t see it working - it can’t just go on the way it is now with no plans of meeting. And I don’t see how he would get into this country if he’s not even willing to work.

He isn’t working so has all the time in the world to entertain himself with having LDR with a variety of women. I had a 2 months long distance situationship with someone also around 32, and he kept asking me to be his girlfriend. I said no and eventually cut it off completely because as I said I needed to see him in the flesh and if he couldn’t be bothered arranging to visit or meet me at a half way point in the UK he clearly wasn’t serious and it was going nowhere.

The kind of “relationship” this man is trying to conduct requires no real investment, risk or effort on his part. He is lounging about with nothing else better to do sending you texts or calling you while you take time out of your busy day but he is not actively there for you in any real sense. Not to mention his abusive behaviour.

I hope you can get out there and meet people somehow. I’m a similar age to you, live alone and WFH so I understand about feeling isolated. I know dating apps aren’t for everyone but I find using them to connect with people and then actually going to explore those connections in real life can work out well. And some people have had luck with meet-up groups etc. I find I often meet men when I go travelling but of course be safe in all situations.

I tried the quote thing..hope that's worked :)
You are quite correct. I think that is exactly what is happening. He is happy to lay around all day looking at his phone, having his mother arrange his life for him. He mentions her in some sense almost every day. I will look up that term because it sounds pretty apt for what is going on here.
And I strongly suspect he has had these online dalliances before actually.
I already had made an arrangement to go visit him in a couple of months but I am going to cancel it. I am seriously not comfortable going there anyway. Think the money would be better spent on a holiday I actually want to go on. If he's really bothered he can make an effort. I am quite aware that he won't though.
He isn't even researching how to come here or anything like that. I know this because he sends me the stuff he is researching. Like silly boys toys etc.
Its a shame but ..I know everyone on here is right sadly.

Nobody should ever call you what he did. Also, the messages with another girl is enough proof that you're not the only one he is stringing along. I wonder how he would react if you asked him why he doesn't have a job/tell him that if you were actually together you would expect him to earn his keep. He is a mummy's boy who hasn't grown up. Does he have any friends? What do you actually see in him? Please let go gently and say you are moving on. You need someone to nurture you emotionally and actually do things with, rather than staying home online talking to someone thousands of miles away. I've been there and it's awful when you realise 'this is going nowhere', but I cut it off and now I have a real partner who I can do things with.

Yeah sending me a screenshot like that, she was saying he was handsome etc..he captioned it with how he can move on quickly. Just...not nice. He later blocked her but yes..not good.
We connected over some mutual Facebook group... honestly he has always seemed really loving and sweet and we have had long video conversations..I just liked him as initially it seemed we had a lot of the same interests and lots of things to talk about.
I did once put it to him that if he came to live over here he must work..he agreed. But..you would think if he was truly wanting to do this he would be trying to earn some money already to fund his trip etc, look into what it would take to come here. Instead he said he had to ask his mum lol. He is actually living in a house she is selling, she is going to buy him a place of his own when it's sold.
He obviously relies on her for money. I suppose...I just thought he seemed so passionate about me he would do the work. I was being silly I know.
I think, if I put it to him now about working it wouldn't go down too well. As I basically said he was tied to his mother the other night.
I don't think he likes criticism.
I would probably be causing trouble for myself to bring him here anyway.
Theres no way I feel comfortable going over there now. That was a silly idea as well. All that way on my own, probably have to pay for everything. And I think he has told his mum stuff that has happened now too.
He has only mentioned one friend to be honest. I get the impression he is just home all the time and rarely goes out.
I do feel a fool now. As I write this I can see what others see.
I will have to say that I just don't see it going anywhere and I'm not comfortable flying there alone.

Good for you. You deserve so much better.Anybody can pretend to be the perfect partner when they're thousands of miles away. If you moved to be with him over there, there would be three in the relationship. His mother should be encouraging him to move on/ get a job/ have his own life. She would probably sabotage the relationship. Put your energy into friends and hobbies here. He's given you enough red flags for you to thank your lucky stars you haven't given anything up for him. Good luck x

Thank you. At least I feel I have had my eyes opened now. I've given it some careful consideration and had good advice. My own mum has had sleepless nights about me going.
Way too many red flags.
I need to get in the real world I guess. X

Put yourself first, your mum is very wise!X

Major red flags here. He doesn't have a job or means to travel to see you nor is he making moves to improve that. Unless you have deep pockets, how do you plan to do regular trips back and forth to Australia? Not just money but time?
Think your instincts are right here xx

Exactly. He could be working towards improving his situation. I couldn't afford to make the trip more than once. I do feel sad about it, but I also have to be realistic. Been feeling down all day though :( x