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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH erratic behaviour and woman in his car

64 replies

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:11

I’ve NC as I’m regular poster and contributor.

Why does H feel to need to always argue with me? He says that too often I sound like I’m nagging him and I’m being aggressive, when it is him who is raising his voice! Apparently I don’t speak to him the right way like how his family/ friends speak, if they spoke to him like how I do he believes he would say the same to them and call them out. I’m made to feel irritating, stupid and irrational.

It wears me down the above as I never feel heard or understood. DD has been out today, she’d already eaten by the time she got home so didn’t want tea he’d made (ready made pizzas). He shouted that he’d wasted time and money and that she was wrong not to let him know. She was really tearful at his rant so I went to check she was ok. I told her that really she should have let him know but she said she had tried to ring him and didn’t answer. So when I explained this later, he got increasingly defensive and said it was still unacceptable. I told him to put the food in the fridge as she might eat later, but he sighed angrily and stormed out to go for a walk. I rang him and again I got criticised for my aggression (which I wasn’t) but he denied he was angry and had screamed at her and that I was ridiculous to suggest this.

I just feel so exhausted by his behaviour! Am I the drama? Am I irrational? I’m so confused and upset by him all the time.

The other thing with his criticism is it’s got increasingly worse over the last few months since he’s joined a health and fitness group. He’s made some male friends there and goes for walks but there was someone he mentioned briefly when he started going that he gave a lift home this afternoon. I only found out as I’d rang to ask him to pick up DD but he said he couldn’t as he was taking said this woman home and she was in the car with him. She would have heard me on speaker. Before all the craziness with tea, I’d asked why he couldn’t have collected DD after dropping woman but he said his car was messy. I did say but I thought you’d tidied your car earlier but he got angry and said his car still had lots of leaves in it and the dog blanket so he didn’t think teen daughter would want a lift with her friends. He also dropped into the conversation that he’d picked this woman up earlier to go to a session as her friend couldn’t take her. He’s out all the time now and in the past I would totally trust him. But with the constant criticism and finding fault and this today, my instincts tell me something is up.

Thanks you for getting to the end of this!

OP posts:

tescocreditcard · 17/09/2023 20:14

Sounds like he's having an affair. Is that what you were suspecting?

Catsafterme · 17/09/2023 20:16

No I wouldn't say that's you or your daughter, that's him taking frustrations out on you but not wanting any criticism for it or take responsibility. If you're wrong, he is not.

I mean that issue with the pizza is a non issue, you could perhaps relate more if he had made something from scratch but even then...not the end of the world is it. Especially not as it can be eaten later.

The whole thing with the car seems suspicious to me. What the car was too dirty for his own daughter and her friends but not this woman?

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:21

He would be the last person you would think would have an affair as he always says why would anyone go for me. But since joining this group he has changed a lot. More irritable and always getting defensive/cross with me.

Hes out now and back at 9,30. He has asked me to come but knew I’d say no as those type of groups are not me.

The car leaves and so called messiness was a very lame excuse but he got increasingly angry. I don’t want him to think I’m jealous or upset about this woman in the car as it will be another excuse for him to say I’m being irrational and ridiculous😥

OP posts:

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:22

@Catsafterme that’s what I couldn’t understand, why can she get a lift in a car with messy leaves and dog blanket?? Very strange.

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 17/09/2023 20:30

He may not be having an affair but he is interested in this woman. Me and ex had agreement to never offer lifts to opposite sex (unless old friends or family), its too close quarters for new opposite sex friends.

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:37

Now I feel sick and stupid for being so trusting. I think he does have a crush, perhaps she is vulnerable, I’m sure he mentioned something like that when he first met her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:38

But then again if I confront with any of my thoughts I’ll get another battle…

OP posts:

Farmageddon · 17/09/2023 20:44

I think there's two separate issues here - firstly his aggressive responses to you and your DD about reasonable stuff. He seems to be acting like a bully. Has he always been like this? He then turns it around on you to make you out to be the unreasonable one... I would be seriously questioning whether this relationship is healthy.

The second issue is his cageyness with this women, he may or may not have a crush on her. Why don't you tell him you want to go to the group next time, or just say last minute that you have decided to go with him. See his reaction, or what he says. It may give you insight into whether he wants you to meet this woman or not.
But even without her on the scene his behaviour at home is not acceptable.

If you actually want to work on the relationship (and that's a big if), it has to be the two of you together. It doesn't sound like he thinks he is in the wrong at all so I'm not sure how you could do that.

Loubelle70 · 17/09/2023 20:47

Vulnerable or not, he shouldn't be giving lifts to women when he cant pick DD up... Let her go to someone else with her vulnerability. . Your husband is married. If he knows shes vulnerable theyve obviously talked...about emotional stuff. You sint want this to turn into emotional affair then an affair. I find his behaviour shocking tbh. I certainly wouldn't have it. Say you cant accept him giving new women lifts. Its unacceptable. How would he feel if say, you went to gym and met a guy and you gave him lifts?

ButterCrackers · 17/09/2023 20:49

Tell him that you’ll speak as you speak to him. If he doesn’t like this then it’s his problem. He is belittling you and trying to make you stressed. Ask him about this woman in the car. See what he says. How come she wasn’t bothered by the mess but his own daughter would he? Very odd. Ask him to explain this.

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:52

@Farmageddon He never ever thinks he’s in the wrong and what’s upsetting me more is he starts on my DD (and DS) with pettiness, then annoyance then rage. But denies it and then turns it on to me/them.

I’m sick and angry at his behaviour towards me and our family compared to how I believe he will portray himself to her and others. I’m always the problem and it totally hurts.

I just want him to experience and know the same discomfort and distress he gives to me, I know that sounds bad but that’s how I feel. You’re right he is a bully but denies it.

OP posts:

Epidote · 17/09/2023 20:55

He thinks he is a new him and in his selfishness is blaming you and your DD that he has not being happy before.

He is an idiot and see himself with power right now.

Won't last, but he is going to make your life difficult in the mean time. I would be preparing my scape if I were you.

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:55

Thank you @ButterCrackers and @Loubelle70 I shouldn’t tip toe around this should I? He will probably call me jealous and psychotic, how dare an act of kindness be turned into something horrible by me and that I’m heartless and cruel
to someone in need. I know the exact words he will use!

OP posts:

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:57

Thanks @Epidote I’m trying to but it will be hard as he is the main breadwinner. In the meantime I will have to put up with his erratic nastiness to me whilst watching him be a caring guy to others. It hurts so much.

OP posts:

whatausername · 17/09/2023 21:02

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:55

This sounds like it is getting into emotional abuse. You are worth much much much more than this. And so are your kids.

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 21:03

How do I deal with his defensiveness and criticisms towards me?

Also any tips on how I ask him about woman in the car without asking in a way that he’ll shut me down please?

OP posts:

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 21:05

He is abusive @whatausername but always in denial. It’s so frustrating and challenging.

OP posts:

whatausername · 17/09/2023 21:16

You seem to think this is something to be managed or worked around. It's not. It's unacceptable. It is within your control to end this and you are perfectly capable of doing so.

Epidote · 17/09/2023 21:22

Agree with @whatausername.

Don't engage with him. Grey rock and just think about what is important (you and your DD).

Loubelle70 · 17/09/2023 21:24

Tell him its unacceptable behaviour, the bad temper at home, giving lifts to other women. If he starts tell him im not putting up with this shit...nor your shit. Do not turn this around. Simple facts, stop being a bad tempered bastard and stop giving women lifts. If it doesnt stop youre ending the relationship

itsmyp4rty · 17/09/2023 21:34

I saw this meme and your DH reminded me of it,

People who can't communicate think everything's an argument and people who lack accountability think everything is an attack.

It's typical of a narcissist, in fact a lot of what you describe is typical of a narcissist. But if that's what you're up against then you'll never get answers because he will shut anything you say down one way or another. Nothing will ever be his fault and he will find a way to make everything your fault.

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 22:54

I asked him about woman and he said they’re friends and she was struggling to get to todays meet up due to low finances and then questioned how could I be heartless. Also he used DD being a teen being too embarrassed to go in his car as an excuse. He’s full of it. I told him giving her a lift was disrespectful but he couldn’t understand and again got defensive so I just told him to stay on the couch. His being a kind hero doesn’t extend to me, he just doesn’t care.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 22:55

@itsmyp4rty I still get confused about narcissism is. How is he? I thought he was just an egotist and bully.

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 18/09/2023 05:29

Hes a bully, gaslighter (why are you so heartless etc)..etc. in no uncertain terms, its not acceptable no matter how he paints it. Shame he hasnt got same compassion for you and DD as he does for this woman. Hes definitely interested in her, youre being bullshitted to OP. His anger, mental abuse towards you and the household on top of this woman. Id end the relationship. He wont change

Loubelle70 · 18/09/2023 05:36

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 22:54

It is not your OH problem that she couldnt get to meet up..nor his responsibility. Oh, he honestly understands what youre saying but hes gaslighting you so he can do as he pleases. You cant subject your daughter to him, its teaching her that its ok to treat women this way, also it can affect her mental health. Your OH is toxic. Its your decision OP but please dont stick around...i did for 25 years and it destroyed me..

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