DH erratic behaviour and woman in his car

[Suspicmama]

I’ve NC as I’m regular poster and contributor.

Why does H feel to need to always argue with me? He says that too often I sound like I’m nagging him and I’m being aggressive, when it is him who is raising his voice! Apparently I don’t speak to him the right way like how his family/ friends speak, if they spoke to him like how I do he believes he would say the same to them and call them out. I’m made to feel irritating, stupid and irrational.

It wears me down the above as I never feel heard or understood. DD has been out today, she’d already eaten by the time she got home so didn’t want tea he’d made (ready made pizzas). He shouted that he’d wasted time and money and that she was wrong not to let him know. She was really tearful at his rant so I went to check she was ok. I told her that really she should have let him know but she said she had tried to ring him and didn’t answer. So when I explained this later, he got increasingly defensive and said it was still unacceptable. I told him to put the food in the fridge as she might eat later, but he sighed angrily and stormed out to go for a walk. I rang him and again I got criticised for my aggression (which I wasn’t) but he denied he was angry and had screamed at her and that I was ridiculous to suggest this.

I just feel so exhausted by his behaviour! Am I the drama? Am I irrational? I’m so confused and upset by him all the time.

The other thing with his criticism is it’s got increasingly worse over the last few months since he’s joined a health and fitness group. He’s made some male friends there and goes for walks but there was someone he mentioned briefly when he started going that he gave a lift home this afternoon. I only found out as I’d rang to ask him to pick up DD but he said he couldn’t as he was taking said this woman home and she was in the car with him. She would have heard me on speaker. Before all the craziness with tea, I’d asked why he couldn’t have collected DD after dropping woman but he said his car was messy. I did say but I thought you’d tidied your car earlier but he got angry and said his car still had lots of leaves in it and the dog blanket so he didn’t think teen daughter would want a lift with her friends. He also dropped into the conversation that he’d picked this woman up earlier to go to a session as her friend couldn’t take her. He’s out all the time now and in the past I would totally trust him. But with the constant criticism and finding fault and this today, my instincts tell me something is up.

Thanks you for getting to the end of this!

I mean this kindly... stop being hurt. Start seeing what a nasty prick he is and close off your emotions to him. Start seeing him as just an obstacle to a better life. A life you deserve.

You will never make him understand your hurt. He probably already knows and HE JUST DOESN'T CARE. Let that sink in.

Start grey-rocking him. Do not react when he belittles or criticizes you. Just say: ÿes, okay" and leave the room.

And make your plans to leave. If he is a narcissist, then he will never love you the way you deserve and you are better off without him.

Oh, and look up DARVO. It is exactly what he is doing to you. Also, look up the narcissist's prayer. It's designed to make you feel like you're going crazy.

PP is correct and if you think he's narcissistic, plan ahead and document, gather evidence of behavior just in case because they do not like criticism, blame or rejection.

As much as he's making you feel like shit, if he is like that, then he will still expect loyalty and control regardless of his behavior. Take it from me, they can turn and try to destroy you, that's what I'm going through now.

Tell him you've had enough and want to discuss splitting up as clearly he doesn't like you.

If he gets upset and wants to make amends then perhaps he does still have feelings for you.

But in all likelihood he is wanting to be set free but doesn't have the balls to initiate the break up, himself.

The ferocity of his arguments and anger are leading you to believe he is not doing anything with this woman.

I can imagine he is acting so offended that you would dare accuse him.

Don't fall for this, he's acting.

This woman, what do you know about her, is she attractive, his type ?, is she his age, younger, newly single ? I would suggest finding out about this rival you have, your h is obviously playing KISA to her at the moment. Very hurtful and he's not going to reassure you.

Do you have grown children or a friend, could you join the gym and make them uncomfortable. He would be embarrassed infront of his own children.

Another poster suggested he may be doing this to get thrown out, well he may be at the moment, they often start bad arguments and leave under the guise of not wanting to argue. Doesn't mean they want to be gone for good, they're usually hedging their bets at this point and just need a little time to act single.

His behaviour up to now has been abusive, recognise that op, you are not unreasonable, no matter how much you scream to be heard, he's not listening and you are wasting valuble energy trying to make him see your point.

I would amass your financial information, ducks in a row and go to see a solicitor, you don't need to file yet, just get a half hour free of advice.
Tell him he's giving you no other option.

It's time he made a decision, he's not going to like it and his behaviour may well go underground but at least you will have you answer, that this man is an abuser and was never capable of reciprocal love.
At the moment, you are offering him a get out of jail free card and he is not taking you up on this, he is defiantly wanting his cake, I'm affraid it's your time to exact the consequenses now.

He’d made tea but I’ve lost my appetite, he’d done the DC uniforms as he was working from home. I got a text this afternoon saying he totally understands my frustration and he is trying his best to make me happy, then ended with ‘have a nice day x’

I’m just avoiding him but what upsets me is the feeling I’m made out to be the psychotic one. That text makes me feel like he is trying to grey rock me like I’m the problem. It feels really disorientating and confusing. I know I’m not, this fluctuation in his behaviour going to being calm and trying to look reasonable (and I believe he genuinely thinks he’s being understanding) further causes me distress.

It’s great venting on here. Thank you for the suggestions I’ll look up DARVO and the poem!

That text makes me feel like he is trying to grey rock me like I’m the problem. It feels really disorientating and confusing. I know I’m not, this fluctuation in his behaviour going to being calm and trying to look reasonable (and I believe he genuinely thinks he’s being understanding) further causes me distress.

You've described it really well.

The framing that you always have to keep in mind with narcissists is that everything is about impression management for them.

There are fundamentally two types of people in the world for narcissists. There are 'good people', who believe the narcissist is the person he first appears to be. This 'first impression' can be maintained for quite a long time - many years, even - as long as the person doesn't actually spend all that much time with the narcissist.

Then there are 'bad people', who have seen behind the mask and know that the narcissist has another side to him/her that is very different to the early impression they give. These are the people who have lived with the narcissist, or seen him/her in stressful situations, or who have come to rely on and expect things from the narcissist.

Once you are in the 'bad people' category, you're pretty much screwed. The narcissist will try to 'impression manage' you - by doing things like sending that text to make out that he's really a decent guy. That text can be shown to others as 'proof' that he's a great guy. It's a different story behind closed doors, of course, when nobody except you hears what he's saying, and it becomes 'his word against yours'.

I think you're right that he also thinks he is being understanding. I've learned that narcissists tend to write stories in their heads that 'explain' situations according to their view of the world, and then will cling fiercely to that story regardless of whether it actually reflects what you're thinking or feeling. Eg:

"Suspicmama is feeling insecure because I'm shaping up and other women are showing interest in me. Of course, I'm not going to have an affair because I'm not that guy [note: this is what he'll tell himself right up to the moment where he kisses the other woman, and at that point he'll be telling himself that he was driven into her arms by your intolerable behaviour], but I can understand why she's insecure. Maybe she's not feeling good about herself. She is a bit out of shape. I should suggest to her that she starts working out so she can feel better about herself."

OP, we can all try dissect your relationship from what you have told us, but ultimately without any psycho babble

1. treats and talks to you like shite- & your kids!
2. Is making out that's it's about you- not likely to be here if you believe that
3. He is not actually listening to you and your concerns!

He's wandered- that be it emotionally, or physically - who knows, but he's not your friend.

That makes a lot of sense @CheekyHobson , he is being very nice at the moment, laughing and joking with us all again like nothing has happened. He keeps checking in on me asking me if I want anything. Because I’m being civil and obedient I think he assumes all is well now. I’ve not asked about other woman as it will just cause a row.

@Spin66 I know it’s bullshit his behaviour and thanks to everyone’s comments on here I’m, unbeknown to him, starting to work out how I can leave him. It’s bloody challenging and tiring emotionally his behaviour on me.

He’s off now for his morning session….

Yes, he will reward you with crumbs of affection at the moment if you keep your trap shut, if you bring up your unease about this friendship you will be punished.

You are being silenced so he can behave selfishly.

He's a bully.

You are correct @RandomForest , he is a bully.

Changes his argument to defend himself and then has the gall to call me exasperating and aggressive. Today’s row was due to him turning his phone on silent. I had forgotten my keys when I’d popped to meet a friend for coffee. I tried ringing him when I was on my way to theirs, to ask him to leave them in a spare place so I could get in. I tried ringing again on my way home, no answer. I ended up waiting outside for 30 minutes. I said I know it was my fault and I should have been less careless. But when I asked where was he, he said he’d been out for a walk with our dog and then ranted about not always checking his phone and I’m being totally unreasonable and to stop blaming him for my mistake. To be fair, I may have pushed his annoyance up a notch as I said I couldn’t understand why can’t you check your phone from time to time in case of emergencies, as if it were me I would check and turn silent off. He told me to shut up and no one else is aggressive like this with him. I really wasn’t but he sees my questions about where he was as criticism.

luckily I’m not too bothered, it just makes me further aware I need to leave him as does regular posting on here. I feel like a little kid always bickering with him, he never used to be like this, he’s got worse lately.

This

Hi just read all your post and I'm so sorry you are going through this! i agreed with the majority of posters too.
In regards to the criticism and stuff i thought i would suggest 'curious enquiry' such as if he comments or makes remarks about u attacking you or putting you down actually ask him, without being angry or in a sarcastic voice, say things such as 'what did u mean by that? Or what did u want me to feel by saying or what do u think saying that would achieve! ? Basically asking him a straight up question etc
or you could use fogging such as oh yeh course i am or ah yeh i know i am etc
Sometimes i pretend im wearing a teflon coat and words slip off me haha
I have dealt with a narcissist and used these my self
Some times it helps sometimes it doesn't
Good luck with everything i know it must be hard rite now but remember ur not mad and u r quite clearly a good person from how you sound, x

Also I think if it was me id use the whole im coming last min too
Tbh if it was me id have to spy and find out whats really happening with this women innocent or not
It even made me question was his fnr on silent or was he ignoring you on the fne to her?
Maybe im just a paranoid person tho :/

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Assert-Yourself/Assert-Yourself-0707Dealing-With-Criticism-Assertively.pdf