Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH erratic behaviour and woman in his car

64 replies

Suspicmama · 17/09/2023 20:11

I’ve NC as I’m regular poster and contributor.

Why does H feel to need to always argue with me? He says that too often I sound like I’m nagging him and I’m being aggressive, when it is him who is raising his voice! Apparently I don’t speak to him the right way like how his family/ friends speak, if they spoke to him like how I do he believes he would say the same to them and call them out. I’m made to feel irritating, stupid and irrational.

It wears me down the above as I never feel heard or understood. DD has been out today, she’d already eaten by the time she got home so didn’t want tea he’d made (ready made pizzas). He shouted that he’d wasted time and money and that she was wrong not to let him know. She was really tearful at his rant so I went to check she was ok. I told her that really she should have let him know but she said she had tried to ring him and didn’t answer. So when I explained this later, he got increasingly defensive and said it was still unacceptable. I told him to put the food in the fridge as she might eat later, but he sighed angrily and stormed out to go for a walk. I rang him and again I got criticised for my aggression (which I wasn’t) but he denied he was angry and had screamed at her and that I was ridiculous to suggest this.

I just feel so exhausted by his behaviour! Am I the drama? Am I irrational? I’m so confused and upset by him all the time.

The other thing with his criticism is it’s got increasingly worse over the last few months since he’s joined a health and fitness group. He’s made some male friends there and goes for walks but there was someone he mentioned briefly when he started going that he gave a lift home this afternoon. I only found out as I’d rang to ask him to pick up DD but he said he couldn’t as he was taking said this woman home and she was in the car with him. She would have heard me on speaker. Before all the craziness with tea, I’d asked why he couldn’t have collected DD after dropping woman but he said his car was messy. I did say but I thought you’d tidied your car earlier but he got angry and said his car still had lots of leaves in it and the dog blanket so he didn’t think teen daughter would want a lift with her friends. He also dropped into the conversation that he’d picked this woman up earlier to go to a session as her friend couldn’t take her. He’s out all the time now and in the past I would totally trust him. But with the constant criticism and finding fault and this today, my instincts tell me something is up.

Thanks you for getting to the end of this!

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 18/09/2023 06:33

I’m so upset and confused by him all the time..Since joining this group he has changed a lot.

@Suspicmama, you are not ‘irrational’ or ‘ridiculous.’ Your abusive H is an absolute pig who enjoys destabilizing you with his gaslighting and blame shifting.

He wanted this OW to be in his car, so the leaves and dog blanket were not an issue. He clearly made that up as an excuse to keep your daughter out, which was so manipulative.

It sounds like his head has turned, and he is playing KISA to her Damsel. She’s been confiding and he is rescuing. This dynamic can be very intoxicating, and is the gateway to many emotional and physical affairs. What’s unknown is what stage they are currently in.

His contemptuous behavior toward you and your children has escalated since he began the fitness group and met OW. He’s following the Script — creating even more distance between you to self-justify his wayward actions and to make emotional room for OW.

@Suspicmama, this brute is trashing your marriage/family and damaging your and your children’s emotional health. Kudos for planning to get him out. I strongly advise you to consult a solicitor asap to learn your options. Knowledge is power, so I’d also probably investigate his phone.

Original poster
Suspicmama · 18/09/2023 06:33

Thanks @Loubelle70 I totally get what you’re saying. I’m making plans to leave him. He is a bully and I do not want my DC to think that’s ok.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 18/09/2023 06:44

Suspicmama · 18/09/2023 06:33

Thanks @Loubelle70 I totally get what you’re saying. I’m making plans to leave him. He is a bully and I do not want my DC to think that’s ok.

Ive been there OP. Its awful. Painful.
Get your ducks in line, save some money, then get rid. I had no money to leave at time, 25 years in this sort of relationship gave me ptsd (cptsd). I am still recovering after 3 years. Please dont stay. ♥️

morethanspice · 18/09/2023 06:56

I fully agree that he is having or anticipating an affair and the horrible behaviour to his actual family are part of that. I was destroyed by a man like this.

LifeofBrienne · 18/09/2023 07:01

Glad you say you’re making plans to leave. Because yes, it does sound dodgy with this woman, but the bottom line is why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like shit on his shoe?

AllHopeandRainbows · 18/09/2023 07:36

I mean, regardless of if or if he isn’t cheating/might cheat and all of that, he doesn’t sound very nice anyway?
Do you want to be with him? Can you leave?

AllHopeandRainbows · 18/09/2023 07:37

Sorry just seen your latest post. I hope you manage to leave and you’re much happier. Good luck 💐

LightSpeeds · 18/09/2023 07:40

whatausername · 17/09/2023 21:16

You seem to think this is something to be managed or worked around. It's not. It's unacceptable. It is within your control to end this and you are perfectly capable of doing so.

^This. Also, you need to protect your children from his angry outbursts as it will affect them, long term.

Leggytigberk · 18/09/2023 08:29

Very sorry that you are going through this at the moment. His behaviour is appalling. The relationship between him and the rest of the family cannot survive this.
It is like living in a car-crash that has started. The final collision is inevitable.
As others have said You cannot prevent it happening.
Ducks in a row time, Sorry.

TheDaphne · 18/09/2023 08:34

Loubelle70 · 17/09/2023 20:30

He may not be having an affair but he is interested in this woman. Me and ex had agreement to never offer lifts to opposite sex (unless old friends or family), its too close quarters for new opposite sex friends.

Mind-blowing. Sitting in a moving car with a member of the opposite sex liable to cause irresistible attacks of lust.

whatausername · 18/09/2023 08:51

@Suspicmama i saw your update. There are plenty of people here who can give you practical advice about how to leave. They can't do it for you but they sure will help and support you. You're not the only person to have been in this position and the posters here can help remind you of that, remind you of the strength you have and can help you see things more clearly (abusers don't half mess with heads!). Good luck.

wizzywig · 18/09/2023 08:54

I don't understand? You are clearly unhappy. Let him get on with the affair and you can get rid of him

Loubelle70 · 18/09/2023 09:03

TheDaphne · 18/09/2023 08:34

Mind-blowing. Sitting in a moving car with a member of the opposite sex liable to cause irresistible attacks of lust.

Show quote history

Absolutely!

Loubelle70 · 18/09/2023 09:08

Thats my boundary. I use it.

5128gap · 18/09/2023 09:14

He's found some shiny new people. It's gone to his head, and he's has gone off his family by comparison. You and DD are boring irritants to him, who don't treat him as well as the near strangers he's hanging out with do.
Could be a stage he'll pass through when the novelty wears off, but equally it could escalate into a desire for a new lifestyle and/or relationship.
Meanwhile, you need to look out for you and DD. Decide what you will and won't tolerate from him and introduce some hard boundaries around that. You can't stop him feeling this way, but you don't have to tolerate it manifesting in unhelpful, disrespectful and unpleasant behaviour.
He will either realise he needs to change his ways because he values you after all, or it will push him to leave the relationship. But better that than a long drawn out distancing that erodes your self esteem.

Spin66 · 18/09/2023 09:14

Apart from the fact that your DH (?- not so dear) sounds like a nasty piece of work, isn't it ironic that men like this always gravitate towards a female in distress.

I wonder if it had been a male friend, would he have objected so much to picking up your daughter and her friends?

ElFupacabra · 18/09/2023 09:15

In the meantime I will have to put up with his erratic nastiness to me
Not just you though is it? Your daughter is on the receiving end of his abuse too. You might be happy to lie down and take it but you need to stand up and end this NOW. I’d also suggest therapy for your teen because being raised by an abusive man will have consequences far reaching that the tears you can see on the surface.

It doesn’t matter about this woman, what matters is his abusive behaviour towards you and your daughter. Focus on that.

GoryBory · 18/09/2023 09:52

This isn’t working is it.

The women is irrelevant tbh.

His attitude and behaviour is what you should be focusing on.

Not only is he taking it out on you but he’s now taking it out on his DD too.

Why have you not left yet or kicked him out?
This isn’t going to get better, so stop waiting for him to leave you which he is obviously going to eventually do.

RandomForest · 18/09/2023 12:49

You couldn't get a more stereotypical situation for the start of an affair or mid life crisis.

Sounds like Billy big balls has become full of himself and is on a crash course to destroying all that you and your children hold dear in the family.
Another silly man who has got too big for his boots by the sounds of it, he is disrespecting you all and now your eyes are begining to open, it's no coincidence that his nasty bahaviour has ramped up towards you, it's a coping mechanism for him to carry on without guilt, he is begining to re write history about your time together in his head and very soon he will be changing the narrative of what's going on.

Prepare yourself, his gaslighting and DARVO have begun and soon that may escalate into spreading a smear campaign to enlist the support of others.
I hope he doesn't become aggressive, his reluctance to reassure you and his anger make him a good candidate for irrational rage and violence, you must call the police if he becomes aggresive, do not cover for this man or keep his secrets.

My advice would be whilst you are appealing to him to cut contact with her and reflect on what he could lose do not write anything incriminating on texts with your anger, he is the type to turn your passion for the relationship to paint you as an abusive crazy woman, and yes he will be capable of this and he will show others your pleas for mercy.
He will not listen to you at the moment, he is high on endorphins, his ego is running rampant and he cannot reverse the damage he is doing currently.

If I were you I'd think about coverting recording their conversations because this man will try to destroy you to save his reputation, he's an absolute skunk of a man.

Keep posting, you have every right to be angry.

LittleObe · 18/09/2023 20:48

Doesn't matter if he's having an affair tbh.

He's gaslighting your, shutting you down and being cruel. If he doesn't respond to you saying 'well we both know that's not true stop shutting me down, marriage is about communication' then he's halfway gone anyway.

Tell him to go.

ViewFromAfar · 18/09/2023 20:53

You mentioned he has joined a new fitness group, could he be abusing steroids? That can be linked to personality change/ aggression

Original poster
Suspicmama · 19/09/2023 06:05

Well I’ve woken up feeling pretty awful today. He’s woken early to go to the early morning session and I know he’s going to pick up woman. He said I was ridiculous, he is trying to be kind to her as she’s got herself into some difficulty at home. I’m still incredulous at his audacity to put her needs before mine.

He refuses to see that it is hurtful for me. I now don’t think anything is going on, more his attentiveness to others and criticism but attacks on me. And he argues in such a way I look nuts and psycho.

I am going to take steps to separate but I feel quite upset and low about his hurtful attitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suspicmama · 19/09/2023 08:35

I think he is definitely narcissistic and self absorbed. Impossible to get through to him.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 08:45

Suspicmama · 19/09/2023 06:05

Well I’ve woken up feeling pretty awful today. He’s woken early to go to the early morning session and I know he’s going to pick up woman. He said I was ridiculous, he is trying to be kind to her as she’s got herself into some difficulty at home. I’m still incredulous at his audacity to put her needs before mine.

He refuses to see that it is hurtful for me. I now don’t think anything is going on, more his attentiveness to others and criticism but attacks on me. And he argues in such a way I look nuts and psycho.

I am going to take steps to separate but I feel quite upset and low about his hurtful attitude.

Hes gaslighting you to get what he wants... which is to carry on as he is doing and you to STFU. Its cruel and abusive.
Personally because im a f**ker, i would turn up at the fitness centre just after session.

Catsafterme · 19/09/2023 09:09

Yeah, the old, I'm just justified in everything that I do and everyone else is wrong. Any normal person would be like, hmm this is causing problems, better knock it on the head because my family is more important than a stranger.

They do like to impress and move mountains for strangers.