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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum doesn’t like new partner

68 replies

classicoverthinker · 17/09/2023 19:44

Feeling a bit gutted and upset. I just took my new partner of 4 months to see my mum and her husband for the weekend. My partner is quite shy but I thought they all got along. My partner really liked my mum and her husband and said he had a really lovely time and I thought it all went well.

I’ve just called my mum to ask what she thought of my new partner. She said ‘I’m going to be honest, I didn’t really like him and I’m surprised you would be with someone like that. I think you could do better.

I feel a bit shocked - like I’ve been punched in the stomach tbh. My partner is a really lovely man, very kind and smart.

Can’t quite believe my mum would say something like that… and I feel awful for my partner as he really liked everyone and he would be so upset if he knew.

the worst thing is she’s made me doubt myself…

what does everyone think. Should she have just been polite?

OP posts:

Frogger8395 · 17/09/2023 20:45

Surely she elaborated.

borninthe80esss · 17/09/2023 20:47

Why doesn't she like him?

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2023 20:48

What is it that she doesn’t like?

birker · 17/09/2023 20:49

I'm in a similar position with my mum...except we have a really complicated relationship.
She's made it clear she doesn't like my new partner and didn't make much effort with him. It was really obvious but until she can tell me why and give me a solid reason I'm not interested.

I've spent the last 30 years pussy footing about, being a people pleaser and trying to keep her happy/impress her. All of a sudden if woken up to it and if she has a problem/concern/issue I'm more than willing to listen but need something a bit more concrete

YukoandHiro · 17/09/2023 20:51

What's the background? Is this the first partner you've introduced? Have you peculiarly had a long marriage? Is he v different from any previous partners she's met?

Is she normally quite controlling over you?

Hard to know what's going on without a little more detail, but I'm sorry your mum was so hurtful. My parents did the same to me with my first long term partner and it was really tough. I've sworn to myself I'll never, ever criticise my DD's unless I think they're in danger in some way.

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 20:54

I'd be looking at my mums relationship history and back to my childhood to decide whether to listen to her or not tbh.

Was she a good mum? Did she pick a good man?

If so, I'd listen to her. If shes 3 times divorced (or still married to your dad who is abusive in some way) or was a poor example of a parent, I'd be taking her thoughts with a pinch of salt.

muddyford · 17/09/2023 20:56

I wouldn't have asked the question, but that isn't exactly helpful, I know.

Original poster

classicoverthinker · 17/09/2023 21:02

@Frogger8395 @Shoxfordian @borninthe80esss She said she couldn’t put her finger on why but she couldn’t gel with him… which I guess is her making it all about her.

she’s on her 3rd marriage. My ex was a narcissist, very controlling - my new partner is nothing like that. He is very kind and loving and not at all controlling. I learnt my lesson there!

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 21:03

No offence to your mum but I wouldn't be listening to relationship advice from someone on their 3rd marriage.

lynnie75 · 17/09/2023 21:03

If she's on her third marriage, perhaps she's not the best person to judge?........

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 21:03

Unless she's been widowed, I hasten to add.

ConnieTucker · 17/09/2023 21:08

Is it more to do with his prospects? What does he do?

Guavafish1 · 17/09/2023 21:10

Trust your instincts. If it was something specific, then fair enough. But can't put my finger on it is not good enough

mnahmnah · 17/09/2023 21:22

Sounds to me like he’s just not the kind of man she would go for, therefore judges that he’s not right for you. My mum does this with everything. Me and her are very very different, but she can’t get her head around the fact that just because something isn’t to her taste or what she would want, that it doesn’t mean it’s the same for me!

BackAgainstWall · 17/09/2023 21:36

‘A lovely man, really kind and smart.’

Do NOT listen to your mother.

You do not need her judgement or approval, only your own.

xyz111 · 17/09/2023 21:42

A close friend of mine said that about my boyfriend i introduced her to. We've been together 11 years now!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2023 21:46

If it was about how he treats you, then I'd listen carefully. If it was about your future together (eg he is a lovely bloke byt cant hold down a job) than I'd listen. If it's about how she feels about him in terms of how she interacts with him, then that's irrelevant

Gcsunnyside23 · 17/09/2023 22:10

If she can't give an actual answer then I would tell her that you are ignoring her opinion on him. Did she like your ex?

Original poster

classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 07:04

He has a great job, own house, very solid and dependable. And he loves me and treats me very well. I just felt very hurt that she could make such a quick judgement based on meeting him once. And that she would say so.

OP posts:

oldestmumaintheworld · 18/09/2023 07:15

As a Mum I never tell my children what I think of their partners even if I don't like them. However I would be truthful if they asked me and the key thing here is that you asked. Your Mum is allowed to not like the same people as you. If you don't want to hear what she feels don't ask!

AuntieEsther · 18/09/2023 07:20

Your mum is totally rude and awful to say that to you, even if she thought it she should have kept it to herself.
Don't let her make you doubt yourself. I think you have too much entrenched weirdness with your mum if a) she thinks saying this is ever ok and b) her view is making you question your new relationship.

sodthesodoff · 18/09/2023 07:36

Has your mum always been a bit like this?

She's made the focus on her and her feelings.

I wondered as you said your last relationship was with a narcissist. Victims of narcissistic partners tend to more susceptible because they've had a narcissistic parent or another close relationship.

Apologies if that's off. It just struck me as I've seen a lot of posts from people with narcissistic mothers.

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 07:49

This sounds like the problem is your mum. If she had solid concerns, fair enough, but most people would not be honest with their child about disliking their partner when they just "couldn't put their finger on why", it's not a solid enough reason. She sounds like she might have some issues with being attention seeking.

xyz111 · 18/09/2023 07:50

classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 07:04

Then you just ignore her. And if she says anything in the future about him, you just shut her down.

TookTheBook · 18/09/2023 07:52

Why did you even ask her? I've never once come out and asked my mum "so what do you think of him?".. Trust your own judgement.

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