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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum doesn’t like new partner

68 replies

classicoverthinker · 17/09/2023 19:44

Feeling a bit gutted and upset. I just took my new partner of 4 months to see my mum and her husband for the weekend. My partner is quite shy but I thought they all got along. My partner really liked my mum and her husband and said he had a really lovely time and I thought it all went well.

I’ve just called my mum to ask what she thought of my new partner. She said ‘I’m going to be honest, I didn’t really like him and I’m surprised you would be with someone like that. I think you could do better.

I feel a bit shocked - like I’ve been punched in the stomach tbh. My partner is a really lovely man, very kind and smart.

Can’t quite believe my mum would say something like that… and I feel awful for my partner as he really liked everyone and he would be so upset if he knew.

the worst thing is she’s made me doubt myself…

what does everyone think. Should she have just been polite?

OP posts:

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 12:05

classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 11:18

@comedownwithme am interested to hear what you think I should be calling him then?

That would be down to you and you have chosen partner. I was just saying it could have been heard. It makes no odds to me what you call him. I was trying to offer a helpful answer.

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 12:05

PaintedEgg · 18/09/2023 11:38

@comedownwithme at certain age it sounds pretty stupid to call your partner, ie someone you are in an exclusive relationship with, regardless of its tenure, your boyfriend. Grown adults are not boys and girls.

Yeah I wasn't advocating for OP to call him her boyfriend so I'm not sure why you have said this to me

PaintedEgg · 18/09/2023 12:09

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 12:05

Yeah I wasn't advocating for OP to call him her boyfriend so I'm not sure why you have said this to me

Show quote history

then what should she call him? what could people possibly expect other than "boyfriend / partner"?

also, i dont think thrice-married woman would have much room to talk about committing too soon :)

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 12:11

@PaintedEgg

I didn't comment for a debate, I was suggesting that may have been part of the problem, that's all.

Like I said, it makes no difference to me, but I was trying to help and offer perspective not get into a debate

blacksax · 18/09/2023 12:21

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 12:11

@PaintedEgg

I didn't comment for a debate, I was suggesting that may have been part of the problem, that's all.

Like I said, it makes no difference to me, but I was trying to help and offer perspective not get into a debate

So you think 'partner' is the wrong term for someone the OP has been in a relationship for 4 months, yet you're not advocating the term 'boyfriend' either.

Er... what else would he be called, if not one of those two?

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 12:24

@blacksax

I was saying how it might be heard by the mother, that's all. I didn't want to create a debate about what it should be, I don't care, I was trying to be helpful. Got it wrong again. Sorry.

TGGreen · 18/09/2023 12:39

Talking love and partners after 16 weeks, I'd be concerned, especially with your history.

TidyDancer · 18/09/2023 12:48

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 12:24

@blacksax

I was saying how it might be heard by the mother, that's all. I didn't want to create a debate about what it should be, I don't care, I was trying to be helpful. Got it wrong again. Sorry.

I think you were right and I understand where you're coming from.

I would assume someone using the term 'partner' would be in a serious long-ish term relationship and I might show some concern if someone I cared about was getting serious so quickly with someone they didn't know too well. I wouldn't automatically dislike them for it but I might be a bit cautious.

I think @comedownwithme was just saying the use of the term 'partner' might be alerting your DM to some concerns about the pace of the relationship given your previous one. It would be understandable if that's the case (although obviously we don't know if it is!).

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2023 13:00

Worth noting that often we date narcissists after having narcissists involved in our upbringing.

If your mother is along those lines, she won't like people who she thinks are good for you or sees bring nice to you. But she may for example, have adored the narc ex.

Secondly worth noting that if she is not narcissistic, but is on marriage 3, she may have form for picking abusive partners herself. So, does not know what healthy relationships should look like (finds them dull ect...).

Finally - I'm always wary when people come out of abuse and are like 'oh but this new guy is nothing like my ex. He's lovely'. Many abusers are lovely - In the beginning. And people are easily fooled when one abuser seems totally different from the last - bit ultimately, inside they're the same, it just takes time to see it. Maybe your mothers been around the block a bit and can pick up in things.

Read up on love bombing BTW. Incase it's going on. Read up on covert narcissists too. Take the relationship slow. Don't move in together for at least 18 months. Don't get pregnant. Just, be on guard just incase. No one knows anyone after just 4 months. That doesn't mean however, that your mum is right.

Original poster

classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 14:06

@Pinkbonbon i am taking things very slowly with this one. I have learnt lots of lessons and actually did have a relationship after the narc where he proved to be controlling. So twice burnt. I used the word partner for the Mumsnet thread. Meeting family was part of this - as previous relationships didn’t want me to have a relationship with my family and took a dislike to my family instantly… so it was important for me to see how my new relationship worked here. I liked that
my ‘partner’ really
liked my family and wants to see them again - ie isn’t trying to isolate me etc. and I was pleased he felt comfortable at their house. He doesn’t love bomb me - quite the opposite. And I’m very wary this time round.

OP posts:

Original poster

classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 14:10

@TidyDancer @comedownwithme i actually didn’t use the word partner or boyfriend with my mum. Just for this thread. Not the point - my thread is about how honest someone should be about a family member’s new relationship. Should you make a judgement on one meeting and/or even say anything.

OP posts:

LifeExperience · 18/09/2023 14:11

Don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answer to.

Original poster

classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 14:13

@Pinkbonbon - the narc relationship was 20 years ago. I’ve had healthy relationships since (as well
ss the one controlling one who I ditched pretty quickly)

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2023 14:14

It's good you're being on the ball with it.
It sounds like hopefully you'll spot anything a-mis if it presents itself. Which hopefully it won't as he sounds a nice chap.

Just a side note though as an example, some abusers want to isolate you from family by say...telling you they said something they didn't in order to create arguments. Or by making out that they don't like him so it's a 'him or them' choice for you ect... but also worth noting that some, want to become really pally with your family. So that your family will think you are being unfair when you start to question his behaviour.

Also, it would be odd for any new man to say he didn't like your family after visiting them once. Especially if he's still in the early days of woo-ing you.

Not saying he's a bad guy or anything lol. Just pointing out not to get stuck in 'oh well he doesn't do what my ex did in that scenario so he's not abusive' as abuse obviously can present itself differently and abusers go about things in different ways.

Hopefully this guys a good egg though.

TidyDancer · 18/09/2023 14:14

classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 14:10

Ah in that case I think you asked a question you didn't really want an honest answer to. She didn't volunteer something, you requested it. It's sad for you that she feels how she does but you asked a question and she answered it. You're obviously free to ignore what she said but I don't think you can really blame her for being honest. It would be good if she could give her reasons though.

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 18/09/2023 14:17

Think the fact that he’s in love with you after 4 months is concerning

MaybeSmaller · 18/09/2023 14:56

Well, you did ask!

But for her to come out with something like that, without being able to give a reason, makes me wonder what her motivations are.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 19/09/2023 09:30

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 11:04

It isn't just a word though, it implies commitment levels that you shouldn't have at 4 months in.

Show quote history

At 4 months in, DH and I were already engaged! And we recently celebrated our Silver wedding anniversary.

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