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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum doesn’t like new partner

68 replies

classicoverthinker · 17/09/2023 19:44

Feeling a bit gutted and upset. I just took my new partner of 4 months to see my mum and her husband for the weekend. My partner is quite shy but I thought they all got along. My partner really liked my mum and her husband and said he had a really lovely time and I thought it all went well.

I’ve just called my mum to ask what she thought of my new partner. She said ‘I’m going to be honest, I didn’t really like him and I’m surprised you would be with someone like that. I think you could do better.

I feel a bit shocked - like I’ve been punched in the stomach tbh. My partner is a really lovely man, very kind and smart.

Can’t quite believe my mum would say something like that… and I feel awful for my partner as he really liked everyone and he would be so upset if he knew.

the worst thing is she’s made me doubt myself…

what does everyone think. Should she have just been polite?

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 18/09/2023 07:53

Did she like the controlling narcissist?

PaintedEgg · 18/09/2023 08:25

I don't think you should worry about opinion of someone who makes quick judgements after one short visit and obviously is not that great at picking her own partners

ReignOfError · 18/09/2023 08:29

Why ask? Neither of my sons have ever asked my opinion of their girlfriends/bidie-ins/wives, because it’s absolutely none of my business.

Phleghm · 18/09/2023 08:38

I dunno OP. This happened to me (with other members of my immediate family, not my mother) and I thought they were rude and unkind, and I doubted their opinion anyway since their own romantic history wasn't great. But they turned out to be right. You think your DP is lovely and right for you so by all means go on, but the likelihood is that your mother is telling you this because she cares for you.

cherubwing · 18/09/2023 08:47

My Mum is the same with my husband (who I have been with for 27 years) he is shy and isn't all that talkative. I come from a very talky family and I know it can be overwhelming for others and one of the things I liked about my husband when I met him was how he didn't feel the need to talk all the time, it was always so peaceful and relaxing to be with him although of course we do talk and he is a very funny man but in social situations he isn't talkative.

My mum doesn't like this and for years said " he isn't right for you" or would ask me "don't you ever think about breaking up with him and meeting someone with a bit more about them?" My DH is loving, loyal, supportive, he doesn't drink, gamble or cheat, he has a good job makes a good living, he's never been abusive or unkind. Interestingly her favourite of all my boyfriends was a guy who was abusive and would literally hit me! She liked him because he was charming to her, to be fair she didn't see the abusive stuff.

Ultimately it isn't anything to do with your Mum its up to you, sometimes it does take longer to warm to a more reserved person not that you dislike them but you just don't get to know them quickly so she might still come round to him and even if she doesn't as long as you think he's great that is all that matters.

I love my Mum and she's been a wonderful mother in many, many ways but she also has her flaws (don't we all) and I don't exist to make her happy or to be an extension of her, it took me till my 30's to realise this and realise that her disapproval was her issue not mine.

Quitelikeit · 18/09/2023 08:50

Just because she said it it doesn’t mean it’s true!

The guy would do well to keep his distance by the sounds of things and maybe you should too as she sounds toxic

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 18/09/2023 08:54

Yeah, my mother said something very similar about my man the first time she met him. We’ve been together since 1982…..

Just shrug, OP.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/09/2023 09:10

It sounds as though your first husband was very much like your mother, and then you learned to identify what was bad for you, and you have found a good man now.

It sounds as though your mother is incapable of knowing what a good man looks like. To her, he might seem boring because he isn't full of drama and flattery.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 18/09/2023 09:15

Have you found that throughout your life she has had a tendency to be hard to please, and that she finds fault with your choices? My late DM was lovely in some ways, but was forever finding fault with what I did because my life and her expectations of what my life should be like were not the same. She was never satisfied. 'I only want the best for you' she would say. It didn't seem to matter to her that what she thought was best for me was not necessarily what I wanted.

Tired6789 · 18/09/2023 09:16

He sounds like a great guy. Don't let what your mum said ruin things

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 09:23

It's a bit early in the day to be calling him your partner, isn't it? Perhaps that's one of the concerns, you are very serious after such a short time. I don't think she had done right but I do think she may be struggling to vocalise a warning to be cautious

BananaHammock23 · 18/09/2023 09:39

This will sound horrible, but do you think she's talking about his looks or attractiveness?

blacksax · 18/09/2023 09:42

I've just called my mum to ask what she thought of my new partner.

Why did you do that? Were you seeking her approval, and if so, why did you feel you needed it?

Original poster
classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 11:01

@BananaHammock23 most likely... :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 11:02

@blacksax i probably worded the original post wrong. I called after our weekend because I wanted to just have a chat about how the weekend went. I thought it went really well. It was just a casual "so what did you think of (partner) then?" thinking she was going to say 'oh, very nice' - because that's how it all felt at the time. That will teach me.

OP posts:
Original poster
classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 11:03

@comedownwithme just a word. We're too long in the tooth to be calling each other girlfriend/boyfriend... i don't like the word partner, but using it here as it's the best way to describe who he is to me, relationship wise.

OP posts:
comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 11:04

classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 11:03

@comedownwithme just a word. We're too long in the tooth to be calling each other girlfriend/boyfriend... i don't like the word partner, but using it here as it's the best way to describe who he is to me, relationship wise.

It isn't just a word though, it implies commitment levels that you shouldn't have at 4 months in.

Cowlover89 · 18/09/2023 11:05

My parents don't like my partner yes was upset at first but don't care anymore. It's my life not theirs. He makes me happy. Been together 7 years this year and second baba on the way. If you're happy don't let her get to you. I know its easier said than done x

comedownwithme · 18/09/2023 11:05

Posted too soon,

Even if you are using it lightly, others won't be hearing it that way.

ChaToilLeam · 18/09/2023 11:05

Is your mother normally a good judge of character? If so, then maybe she’s on to something. If not, don’t give it a second thought.

Mistressanne · 18/09/2023 11:05

My dsis is married to a man 12 years older. My dm has never been keen because of the age gap, he does act older to be fair.
My dsis has been happily married for years and my dm is a very shallow person.

Original poster
classicoverthinker · 18/09/2023 11:18

@comedownwithme am interested to hear what you think I should be calling him then?

OP posts:
TheDogthatDug · 18/09/2023 11:20

I don't like my daughter's partner, she knows that as well. But she is happy with him and he seems to be a decent bloke. I don't like him for a couple of main reasons ( not going to say as outing) and I can't find any common ground with him. I just have to accept that he is the one she has chosen to be with and will support her if the relationship fails.

PaintedEgg · 18/09/2023 11:38

@comedownwithme at certain age it sounds pretty stupid to call your partner, ie someone you are in an exclusive relationship with, regardless of its tenure, your boyfriend. Grown adults are not boys and girls.

newnameforthisthread01 · 18/09/2023 11:43

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