My Best Friend Is Choosing a Boyfriend Over Her Daughter

[DeidreC]

I want MN opinions on a current situation with my best mate since we were young. She’s like a sister to me. I think I might’ve upset her with my strong reaction to a decision she’s made in her personal relationship. She has a ten year old to another man who is not allowed contact with their daughter due to drug related offenses. She had been raising her girl solo from age 2 but with support from siblings. Anyway 18 months ago she meets this guy who in my opinion might be great in bed with her but lacks in other more important areas. Half the time he’s on the dole. She’s fallen in love and moved in with him in another town but he clasheS with her daughter who is actually my goddaughter. My friend has now asked her older sister if she can basically foster her daughter so she can focus on her boyfriend because she’s afraid of losing him because he is increasingly fed up with her daughter.
I had it out with her that this is her flesh and blood and only ten years old. How can she give up her daughter to focus on this man who if he was decent would never make her daughter feel unwanted or want her sent away. She told me they want a baby together. I am so cross with her and sad for my little goddaughter and now think my friend will be offended at me for saying what I said and it could be the end of the 3 decade friendship. I realise it’s her life but she should be prioritising her daughter who doesn’t even have a dad in her life.
Am I wrong for telling her what I think?

Not at all. If she loses your friendship over this so be it. At least someone was brave enough to say it.

Not at all

can you keep in touch with the sister that’s fostering her and the god daughter

she will regret this decision and it will be too late when she does

No. I think you wouldn't have been able to continue any sort of friendship if you hadn't.

Her sister has told her she will take her daughter if she gives her full custody because if she can give up her daughter for a deadbeat man, she doesn’t deserve to have custody

Sounds like the sister fostering the daughter is for the best, at least the Aunt would be putting the kid first. Your Goddaughter deserves better than to be kept in an unhappy home because her selfish Mother won't leave him, or to be resented for the rest of her life because her Mother did

Not much shocks me on here but this has. Your poor Goddaughter. Can you speak to your friend's sister? If not def tell your friend what you think.

I couldn't respect a friend like this. You're not wrong.
Over my dead body would I put a bloke over my daughter. I'm purposely single so I can focus on bringing her up.

Yes she does need a loving stable home. What blows my mind is that my friend was doing such a great job looking after her daughter and seemed so devoted and caring and then meets some guy and is brainwashed into making him more important. How is this kid going to feel as she grows up that her dad was awol and her mother then chose some random over her and especially if she has a child with him. He knew she was a mother when he met her. If he wasn’t prepared to take on the child he should’ve walked away

Apart from anything else, I think it would be the role of a godparent to speak out on behalf of their goddaughter, so I think you have done the right thing.

I don't think giving 'custody' (not a real concept in the UK) to her sister will be very easy to achieve, but I understand the principle of wanting the child to know that she can't be removed again by her mother whenever the deadbeat has finished with her and abandons her, probably with another child.

I’m appalled too. I would take on my god child but unfortunately I’m a single mother too and would be very hard as I have two teenagers and boys at that, not exactly flushed financially. I’ll do my best to visit my godchild and pay her lots of attention

I agree. I’ve stayed single with my sons growing up because I know how hard it can be juggling dating and parenting and I want to focus on them

Are you sure she's not being controlled? Something doesn't add up here. It seems a very drastic decision.

Definitely not saying I don't believe you OP

The aunt could easily apply for a special guardianship order. This would mean that the mother would need to go to court and give account for her choices which she might find too embarrassing to do...

@DeidreC of course it is bad that wants to give up her dd but if her sister is willing to give her a permanent loving home then she will know she is wanted. I'd suggest speaking to the sister to lend your support, perhaps you could be legally appointed as additional support, my brother is for a young lad (he was through social services rather than personally known) and offer the sister some respite

Christ rhis is

theres been friction all along with the daughter and her boyfriend. She was talking few months ago about boarding school. Even that shocked me. Now it’s changed to her sister looking after the daughter. Maybe it is control but she’s allowing it

That's what I thought @AuntieEsther - not the specifics of how the court might grant it, but that it wasn't just something the mum could sign in front of a solicitor. I would definitely pursue something formal if I were the sister, for stability and also to force the mother to own her decision.

I agree her sister will provide a better environment and yes I’ll be in my goddaughters life in a meaningful way. I’m just sad it’s come to this and because of it and me vocalising my feelings- I’d say the friendship is over

Unfortunately, this sort of thing happens all the time. Foster care is full of children whose mothers chose their partners over them. Boyfriends and girlfriends are "exciting" in a way that children are not.

Wow, that's awful, there's no point spending ten years raising your child if you are going to end up with no good relationship with them.

As a single parent, I do perhaps understand that a decade of parenting solo is tough, and perhaps, she feels so exhausted from the relentless responsibility that she is not thinking long term. It's a shame, I know I tried to date when my dc were between 8 and 16 and it was just a disaster. If I was even on the phone to a guy I met from work, my DD would start crying, telling me I was ignoring her. I gave up totally though. I thought, right, this isn't worth it. I have a good relationship with her now that she's an adult but I think it can be tough, when you feel you've been parenting for a decade and there's still a decade to go.

Could you and her sister support each other in a plan to take the 10 year old every second weekend (each, so, once a month for you, once a month for the sister) and that way she has planned slots free to have a bit of an adult life.

I have no ''adult life'' and I'm ok. But there were times where that felt hard I know.

Also, part of the problem can be that all socialising in your circle can be couples so sometimes, a man, any man can be a ticket to being included suddenly.

It's shit.

Awful but sadly not surprising. Better the daughter gets safely out of the home than is abused or murdered by the stepfather though.

Ah, right, sorry @DeidreC you're single yourself. SO you know it's not easy. I assumed erroneously that you were married.

My friends had heaps of help between her parents, siblings, friends like myself to have time to herself over the years and since meeting her bf. Sadly her mum passed away not long ago. I know it’s lonely and there’s nothing wrong her dating or wanting quality time with her partner but it’s extreme to want to send her daughter away and then want a baby with this guy whilst palming her firstborn off.

Good for you. I think saying this is worth sacrificing a three decade friendship. Who would want to be friends with such an awful person.

Of course it's possible she's being controlled etc but ultimately it's a 10 year old little girl who is the victim of that so sympathy can only stretch so far.