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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Best Friend Is Choosing a Boyfriend Over Her Daughter

59 replies

DeidreC · 17/09/2023 13:50

I want MN opinions on a current situation with my best mate since we were young. She’s like a sister to me. I think I might’ve upset her with my strong reaction to a decision she’s made in her personal relationship. She has a ten year old to another man who is not allowed contact with their daughter due to drug related offenses. She had been raising her girl solo from age 2 but with support from siblings. Anyway 18 months ago she meets this guy who in my opinion might be great in bed with her but lacks in other more important areas. Half the time he’s on the dole. She’s fallen in love and moved in with him in another town but he clasheS with her daughter who is actually my goddaughter. My friend has now asked her older sister if she can basically foster her daughter so she can focus on her boyfriend because she’s afraid of losing him because he is increasingly fed up with her daughter.
I had it out with her that this is her flesh and blood and only ten years old. How can she give up her daughter to focus on this man who if he was decent would never make her daughter feel unwanted or want her sent away. She told me they want a baby together. I am so cross with her and sad for my little goddaughter and now think my friend will be offended at me for saying what I said and it could be the end of the 3 decade friendship. I realise it’s her life but she should be prioritising her daughter who doesn’t even have a dad in her life.
Am I wrong for telling her what I think?

OP posts:
OuiRagamuffin · 17/09/2023 14:20

I hope she comes to her senses before she gets pregnant. Imagine getting pregnant by a man who just shrugged while you sent your first child to be fostered, for............. convenience

LaviniasBigBloomers · 17/09/2023 14:22

I think that this is so far outwith the realms of 'normal' behaviour that there must be more to it than you're seeing. Control by the boyfriend, drug use, a breakdown triggered by the loss of her mother, or maybe things are actually really bad with the bf and this is a way she can keep her dd safe? So I would try very hard to keep a line of communication open.

HOWEVER, I would understand 100% and absolutely not judge you if you can't, because it's a horrible thing to do. thank god that poor wee child has you and her aunt.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 17/09/2023 14:23

And no, you weren't wrong to say what you think. I bet you were a lot nicer about it than 99% of people will be.

Danikm151 · 17/09/2023 14:25

She wants a do over and has no thoughts about how that will impact her daughter.
Voice it loud and strong because when he leaves she’ll be at square one and moaning that nobody warned her

YukoandHiro · 17/09/2023 14:27

No. You did absolutely the right thing.

Can you really stay close friends with someone who would make this choice anyway?

You're right to distance yourself and to tell her some hard truths.

Original poster
DeidreC · 17/09/2023 14:27

I have tried to ask her if she’s ok and safe, if there’s anything sinister going on and she must tell me or someone if there is and she says it’s all fine, her daughter is just being more and more demanding and rude and cheeky. Yeah maybe because she’s being pushed aside

OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 17/09/2023 14:29

I couldn't be friends with someone who did that.
It's good you're still going to be in the dd's life.

JadeSeahorse · 17/09/2023 14:30

Reading your post DeidreC brought so many memories flooding back to me.

I was born illegitimate in the 1950’s and my mother, just like your friend, met a man she fell madly in love with when I was four years old. She married him, palmed me off on my grandparents and promptly moved to another city where they had 2 DC of their own. I hardly saw them!

As I grew up - my grandfather died and my grandmother made it very obvious that she didn’t want me either - I became very withdrawn with dreadful low self esteem which remains to this day. However, I left school at 15, spent years studying for various qualifications at night school whilst working at various jobs, lived on my own in a small flat and eventually met my wonderful DH, had a terrific career and a fabulous dd of my own. I had very little contact with my mother and decided to go totally NC over 30 years ago. Never saw or spoke to her or her family ever again. Most of them - including my mother, her husband - who cheated repeatedly on her throughout their marriage - and one of their own DC have since died.

If this is the type of future your friend would enjoy then tell her to go ahead but she will lose her dd for good. I hope he’s worth it but can guarantee he isn’t.
What sort of POS wants to be rid of a 10 year old?

Nomoremarchingtalcumpowder · 17/09/2023 14:40

😞

Dery · 17/09/2023 14:40

It’s disgusting on your friend’s part and she clearly has such shit taste in men that it would be better if she never dated again. Hopefully she won’t manage to have another child.

But her sister and you have the young girl’s back. Focus on her for now. Hopefully your friend will come to her senses somehow.

bellac11 · 17/09/2023 14:46

The aunty will need to have PR, this can only be done via a court order, the most obvious way would be a child arrangements order or an SGO

It wont come under private fostering legislation as the aunty is too close a relative for that.

Your friend needs to seek legal advice but as you say, is probably too embarrassed to do so.

Perhaps she will come to her senses.

MariaLuna · 17/09/2023 14:52

I despair of these kind of women who put dick before their own flesh and blood.

Thank god for the sister.

pictoosh · 17/09/2023 14:52

This is really sad. I know I wouldn’t support a friend who took this decision. I don’t agree with it and I couldn’t pretend to. My friendship isn’t unconditional so I would tell her my feelings straight then step back until such a time as she is making decisions I can get on board with.

What a witless, selfish bloody woman.

Cakeandcardio · 17/09/2023 14:59

The mother will never have a relationship with her daughter again.
Well done for speaking up.

Mom2K · 17/09/2023 14:59

Her sister has told her she will take her daughter if she gives her full custody because if she can give up her daughter for a deadbeat man, she doesn’t deserve to have custody

I agree with the sister on this. I can't believe your friend would give up her daughter for a man. She can't possibly be a good mother if she would even consider this.

I would fight to the death for my children, to keep my children. I can't understand this.

Ttforty · 17/09/2023 15:00

Your friend is being abused. And as a good friend you have done the right thing by not sugar coating the message and enabling her to think the idea is acceptable/the relationship is somehow healthy.

You also have a duty to your godchild.

Now you just need to be firm but kind. Being clear you don't agree with the decision, that it is unreasonable and unhealthy for the bf to be generating that sort of choice - but that ultimately you love her, and love her daughter and will support where you can. At some point her relationship will end and she will be grateful you acted as a true friend

Joeylove88 · 17/09/2023 15:03

You did the right thing speaking up I wouldn't of been able to keep my mouth shut either if my friend was abandoning her child so easily like that over what sounds like a waste of space boy. The sad thing is that he sounds like the type to use and abuse and their relationship won't last so when it inevitably meets an end, she will go crawling back to her daughter pretending to be sorry and wanting her back. She should be ashamed of herself and I hope the sister does get full custody!

Pinkdelight3 · 17/09/2023 15:05

She told me they want a baby together.

Ugh, if she can't see the messed-upness of wanting to get rid of her actual living breathing daughter so she can have a new baby with this guy, then she's in dangerously deep. I don't know what you can do beyond what you've said, but you were right to say it. Upsetting that she won't listen. She's going to get into trouble one way or another, and perhaps it's best her DD is away from it.

JudgeRudy · 17/09/2023 15:07

I had a friend who had 3 children to 3 men. The oldest is an adult and was basically raised by her grandparents. She's a good k8d but definitely has 'issues' she low to no contact with her mum. Social Services became involved following a violent incident with her current boyfriend (not a dad) and her youngest child now resides with his father (unemployed addict and mentally ill) supported by 80+ grandma. I tried to talk to her for months eventually writing a letter. She went wild and cut me off. It really hurt my feelings. We'd been friends for years. I miss her....but I was always on the children's side and refused to lie to SS. I think she believes I was instrumental in her losing custody of her youngest....I wasn't. She takes no responsibility.

Sueretiredawhileago · 17/09/2023 15:07

Is she being abused/ controlled? If not I’d also be questioning your judgement in best friends as this behaviour isn’t just a bit off. It’s appalling. Reminds me of the horror stories you hear on the news where the kids are killed by the step dad

LanaLane · 17/09/2023 15:10

Arrangements would be kinship care. Usually schools are informed. https://www.leeds.gov.uk/one-minute-guides/kinship-care

https://www.leeds.gov.uk/one-minute-guides/kinship-care

Bananalanacake · 17/09/2023 15:12

Have you tried asking,"why are you wasting time with a useless piece of shit who doesn't work"

Does she realise she will be bankrolling him if he doesn't work.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/09/2023 15:13

In some ways, I'd be relieved that the 10yo DD won't be living with this man who her mum is blindly in thrall to. That would be even more scary.

MariePaperRoses · 17/09/2023 15:32

Cock before kids is something I read on here and on Facebook and sadly there are some women who practice this.

I would happily lose the friendship of your childhood friend as I couldn't be friends with someone who puts cock before kid.

gazpachosoupday · 17/09/2023 15:39

I would see if she can give it more time, if its not too late move back out, see if she can get counselling

But having been in a similar sort of situation, that was maybe the only thing I didnt do with my friend. Outcome was now she is a single mother to a baby and her other children either dont talk to her or just dont trust she wont do it again.