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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gambling partner taking advantage of me - how to i get out

62 replies

Cloudyrainy · 17/09/2023 10:29

So my partner of almost a year has a gambling addiction and he also struggles with his mental health. He refuses to seek help for any of these issues as he says it’s pointless but it’s getting to the point where it has destroyed our relationship and is destroying me as a person.

For context, I am neurodivergent (both autism and ADHD) so I often have a lot of trouble understanding peoples intentions and he really doesn’t understand the way my brain works. He lives with me but doesn’t pay for anything because he has nothing left after gambling. I pay for all the bills, all the food (he occasionally will do a £40 shop which I am grateful for, but it’s once in a blue moon), I take him to work and pick him up from work as well as well as working myself and taking my son (not his child) to nursery. He doesn’t give me money for petrol because he doesn’t have any due to gambling. I literally pay for absolutely everything.

On top of that he is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow from me. At the start I was really naive and believed the lies about what the money was for. I wont lend him money anymore, yet he relies on me financially for everything and im hugely struggling.

He on one occasion spent money out my bank account on gambling without asking me, and the final straw was last night.

Ive taken on another job specifically to have more money to survive. I get tips, which id been saving in a glass jar for my son. While i was at work yesterday he asked me if he could use the money to buy cans. I replied after a while and obviously said no, but he had already taken the money and bought them.

Im so angry, upset, frustrated and hurt. It was only £6 but it isnt the point. It has all built up to this point. He did apologise at first but i was so angry i didnt reply. Hes now trying to act like nothing is wrong and if i dare bring it up he will turn it around on to me like usual.

How do i end this? I feel trapped in my own home, he was never meant to live here he just stopped going home. Being autistic Im no good at confrontation and i dont know how to make him leave :( any advice please.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 17/09/2023 10:35

Tell him to leave within a week. You want to break up; you want him out. Pack up his things.
Get a couple of male relatives to come over and tell him with you. If he will not leave call the Police..

tsmainsqueeze · 17/09/2023 10:38

I hope getting rid of this parasite goes smoothly , but next time i would think long and hard about letting another man move in after such a short time , especially as you have a child.

TotalOverhaul · 17/09/2023 10:39

Kick him out. Change the locks. No one can cure or help an addict but the addict himself, and gambling is famous for being the hidden addiction - once you actually notice it, the trouble is deep. He could and probably would take anything and everything from you. I know people in danger of losing their home from another person's gambling.It will definitely, unquestionably get worse not better. You need to get him right out of your life for good, as soon as you can.

HerMammy · 17/09/2023 10:40

A man you've been with less than a year is living with you and your son and bleeding you dry? Tell him to leave and stay single for a while.

tescocreditcard · 17/09/2023 10:40

All I could think reading that post was you must be absolutely desparate for a man in order to accept that situation.

Original poster

Cloudyrainy · 17/09/2023 10:42

I completely agree :( he was never meant to live here, he lived with his mum who he also has a strained relationship with due to gambling and he basically moved himself in around 2-3 months ago. I have tried to ask him to go back home a couple of times but maybe I’m not being forceful enough. I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger and I have a lot of fear and trauma from that surrounding being too forward.

OP posts:

romdowa · 17/09/2023 10:44

Take a day off, while he as work remove his stuff and change the locks. Text him that him his stuff is outside and that your relationship is over. Then get yourself into therapy to prevent this cycle of being in abusive relationships.

Hereforsummer · 17/09/2023 10:46

Drive him to work, come home, change the locks, pack up his stuff, take it to his Mums, and text him to let him know he is no longer welcome at yours. If he turns up causing trouble, call the police and do not let him in. He has been stealing from you, and taking advantage for months. You owe him nothing.

anybloodyname · 17/09/2023 10:47

Sorry to be blunt OP .. but you need to put your big girl pants on and tell him to get the fuck out

Your home
Your child
Your financial security

All deserve better than this waste of space

Pack his stuff , tell him clearly - I'm not doing this anymore , please leave or I will be forced to call the police and have you removed . And mean it .

Naunet · 17/09/2023 10:47

Kick him out, he’s a bloody leach. If you don’t feel you can do it yourself, do you have friends or family who can be there when you tell him?

Riva5784 · 17/09/2023 10:47

I have tried to ask him to go back home a couple of times but maybe I’m not being forceful enough.

It's not that you weren't forceful enough, it's that he deliberately ignored you so that he could continue taking advantage of you. You were in an abusive relationship when you were younger and you are in an abusive relationship now.

Justcallmebebes · 17/09/2023 10:49

Have you got family/friends who can be there to support you when you ask him to leave?

This leech is bleeding you and your son dry and why should you be grateful when he occasionally buys groceries?

Totaly · 17/09/2023 10:50

Go and look at your door lock if it’s a standard barrel nip to B&Q and buy a replacement - £20 max use a screw driver to change the lock. It’s easy.

Then pack his bags and drive everything round to his mums - dump and run.

Then when he leaves you are free.

Original poster

Cloudyrainy · 17/09/2023 10:51

No, thank you for being blunt honestly. I really appreciate all of these comments, and to everyone else commenting please be as blunt and honest as you can because it’s giving me the courage to do something about it.

I would say my ASD makes me somewhat vulnerable and I just need the kick to know I can get out.

OP posts:

slopsan · 17/09/2023 10:52

Ask him to leave. Call the police if he won't

Namerequired · 17/09/2023 10:53

I wouldn’t be given him weeks to move, he doesn’t actually live there. Has he moved all his stuff in? Pack whatever he has up and tell him to leave. Or as pp said, drop it to his mums and change the locks.
Don’t be soft, don’t give him time to find somewhere or whatever else he will undoubtedly come up with. Be firm and clear. Any issues call someone round or the police if you need to

EverybodyLTB · 17/09/2023 10:55

Bluntly - you are choosing this man over your child unless you take action now. Don’t do this. Change the locks, tell someone you trust what is going on. You are being abused and taken advantage of.

Original poster

Cloudyrainy · 17/09/2023 10:56

He has things here but not all of his stuff, most of it is still at his mums. He doesn’t officially live here on any paperwork he just hasn’t gone home and won’t go home he always has an excuse. I recently found out that he had stopped paying his mum his share of their bills (to gamble it) which I think is what has caused this 😩

OP posts:

Original poster

Cloudyrainy · 17/09/2023 10:58

Thank you for being direct with me. I am going to do this today

OP posts:

Namerequired · 17/09/2023 10:59

Cloudyrainy · 17/09/2023 10:51

I would say my ASD makes me somewhat vulnerable and I just need the kick to know I can get out.

You just need to do it without overthinking it. This relationship is wrong, it’s not healthy for you and he is using you. This is not ok and you don’t need to put up with you. You should 100% not put up with it.
Just don’t let him talk you round. When he says he has nowhere to go, that’s not your problem, when he says it’s his home, it’s not. When he says he loves you- you don’t treat those you love like this. When all that fails and he says just let him stay until he sorts somewhere- he will never sort somewhere. You need to stay clear in your goal, get him out. It’s the right thing to do.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/09/2023 11:00

He has no right to be there. You can ask the Police to remove him today.

He wasn't invited to live with you, he's forced himself upon you in terms of being there and is financially abusing you.

IslandAngle · 17/09/2023 11:00

Hereforsummer · 17/09/2023 10:46

This is great advice @Cloudyrainy
If you think you might wobble or he might get arsey, get a friend round.
But things you need to remember :
a) he’s not financially contributing and is actually taking from you and your son
b) you don’t want him there
c) you want this to end

You can do this.

XelaM · 17/09/2023 11:02

Put his stuff into bin bags, put it on the porch and call the locksmith to change the locks. Job done 👍

If he tried to come back, call the police.

Pottyberry · 17/09/2023 11:04

What @Hereforsummer said is perfect. @Cloudyrainy your life and your sons will be better after he's gone. Good luck.

Lucy377 · 17/09/2023 11:15

Best of luck with it.

You are not his mother.
You are not responsible for him.
He is an adult like you.

He won't fall apart.

See him as he is, don't let let the mothering part of you fall for the fragile manchild bait he puts out for you.

He's an adult man. He's a functioning grown up.

He got on fine before he met you.
You got on fine before you met him.

You'll be fine again.

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