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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gambling partner taking advantage of me - how to i get out

62 replies

Cloudyrainy · 17/09/2023 10:29

So my partner of almost a year has a gambling addiction and he also struggles with his mental health. He refuses to seek help for any of these issues as he says it’s pointless but it’s getting to the point where it has destroyed our relationship and is destroying me as a person.

For context, I am neurodivergent (both autism and ADHD) so I often have a lot of trouble understanding peoples intentions and he really doesn’t understand the way my brain works. He lives with me but doesn’t pay for anything because he has nothing left after gambling. I pay for all the bills, all the food (he occasionally will do a £40 shop which I am grateful for, but it’s once in a blue moon), I take him to work and pick him up from work as well as well as working myself and taking my son (not his child) to nursery. He doesn’t give me money for petrol because he doesn’t have any due to gambling. I literally pay for absolutely everything.

On top of that he is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow from me. At the start I was really naive and believed the lies about what the money was for. I wont lend him money anymore, yet he relies on me financially for everything and im hugely struggling.

He on one occasion spent money out my bank account on gambling without asking me, and the final straw was last night.

Ive taken on another job specifically to have more money to survive. I get tips, which id been saving in a glass jar for my son. While i was at work yesterday he asked me if he could use the money to buy cans. I replied after a while and obviously said no, but he had already taken the money and bought them.

Im so angry, upset, frustrated and hurt. It was only £6 but it isnt the point. It has all built up to this point. He did apologise at first but i was so angry i didnt reply. Hes now trying to act like nothing is wrong and if i dare bring it up he will turn it around on to me like usual.

How do i end this? I feel trapped in my own home, he was never meant to live here he just stopped going home. Being autistic Im no good at confrontation and i dont know how to make him leave :( any advice please.

OP posts:
Hatesf1 · 17/09/2023 11:46

please take the advice posted here and kick out this cocklodging waster TODAY.

Hellandbackand · 17/09/2023 11:53

OP, I once left a terrible relationship that I tried several times to get out of. He "refused" to let us break up and I found it hard to confront him.
So the thing I did which worked for me in the end. The day before I broke up with him (we also lived together), I told all my friends (who weren't his friends) that we had broken up. This weirdly forced me into going through with it because I had told everyone it had already happened. So when he did his usual thing of saying you can't do this. I just did not take no for an answer. I just said it's over. Again and again. In my case it was easier and I packed a bag and left for a few days. But I suggest you pack his stuff for him and tell.him to go back to his mother's immediately. Do not take no for an answer and make sure a good friend is coming round shortly afterwards to support you

Penguinsmum · 17/09/2023 11:54

Put your child first and get rid of him. You will feel so much better when he's gone.

Saturdaygirl01 · 17/09/2023 11:56

You need to end the relationship and make that clear to him. Don’t just ask him to move out as he will still be ‘borrowing’ money.

BMW6 · 17/09/2023 13:12

You've got yourself a cocklodger OP. He doesn't care a jot about you or your child, he's just using you for what he gets out of you financially.

Get him out, bagged belongings outside, Police if he gets nasty. Change locks.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 17/09/2023 13:34

I wouldn't take his stuff to his mum's in case she phones him and warns him. Definitely bag his stuff and put it outside. Does he have a key? If so, change the lock before you dump him in case he takes your things to sell. Tell him by message then instantly block on all forms of social media. Don't open the door if he turns up but try to have someone large and scary with you if possible. If that isn't possible, warn him you will contact the police if necessary and do it! Don't be fooled by a sob story to give him longer or allow him in.

YepYepYepYep · 17/09/2023 13:45

If he has moved on then be careful if you have been receiving a discounted single person council tax charge and also be careful if you are on any benefits.

Don't be shy to ask friends or family for help. It's difficult to deal with things like this.

He has taken advantage of you.

If there are any incidents then it might be helpful to film or record them

Original poster
Cloudyrainy · 17/09/2023 14:00

Guys I’ve done it :( spoke to him about it this morning and tried to explain things, ended up with him storming out my house without a word.

I’m a jumble of emotions right now, I cared deeply about him but I just couldn’t continue the way things were. Already feeling clingy and guilty but I won’t cave to taking him back :( hoping me and my son can move on and be more stable now.

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 17/09/2023 14:02

Jesus Christ get rid of this leech

both you and your son deserve more.

sixteenbiros · 17/09/2023 14:08

Well done. You'll be fine now. You just need to hold your nerve and don't cave in if he comes round trying to persuade you to have him back.

Remember you have your life and dignity back. You deserve better than this leech, no matter how much he says he loves you. He's a user and he won't change

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 17/09/2023 14:08

Well done. He might come back though so make sure you lock the doors.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 17/09/2023 14:08

Right. Whilst you are still feeling angry go round your home and pack up anything and everything he has left behind.

Check Google/YouTube for information on how to change your locks, possibly just the tumblers depending on type. If you rent offer the agent/landlord a new set of keys and ask them if they would want the old lock putting back, explain the situation, get them inside.

Get the locks changed. Enlist a friend if possible, so your home isn't left empty whilst you get this sorted.

Sleep easily.

Drop his stuff off at his mum's tomorrow.

Forget him.

Live well

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2023 14:17

Well done op!

See about getting your locks changed if possible.

If he has left anything, bag it up and either post it recorded delivery to him or take it round to his mums. Or even better, have a friend take it to him.

He will likely try to come back.
Probably tonight or within the next few days. So keep your doors locked and your keys in the locks when possible, until you can get them changed.

Don't be slow to call the police if he tries to get back in (and mention that he has stolen from you too!)

BMW6 · 17/09/2023 14:24

Be prepared to be love bombed now OP. He was in a cushy number and he'll say anything to worm his way back in.

It's absolutely disgusting that an adult man relies on a single mum to house, feed, clothe and finance him. What kind of low-life does that?

You had NOTHING to explain! You simply saw that you were being used and decided to stop it.

There are plenty of more blokes like this out there, looking for someone like you to manipulate and take advantage of. Don't be taken in again.

Namerequired · 17/09/2023 14:28

Well done! That’s the hardest bit done. Now just keep that strength

LaviniasBigBloomers · 17/09/2023 14:35

Did you get your keys back? If not, you need to call a locksmith first thing and get your locks changed. Or today, if you can do it yourself.

You've done brilliantly getting him out, now your focus must be on never letting him back in. If he comes round, call the police and tell them you are being harassed, there's a child in the house and you are vulnerable.

PermanentTemporary · 17/09/2023 14:42

💐 you've done the right thing. Hope you can have a very quiet afternoon with your son just being together.

anybloodyname · 17/09/2023 16:07

Well done ! You've absolutely done the right thing

I would probably advise blocking him on everything, have no engagement with him at all as it will not be productive

Do something nice with your child this evening, if they old enough - have an honest conversation and if not just keep it light that he has gone back to his own house and won't be stopping here any more

You will feel so much lighter , more secure , have more money .. there are no negatives now he's gone

Enjoy the fresh air , you are a star ! 💐

LimeCheesecake · 17/09/2023 16:11

well done! Can you lock him out?

pack up what’s left of his things and drop them to his mums.

Startyabastard · 17/09/2023 16:16

Well done, OP. If you get any more trouble call women's aid.
He's a bit brazen by storming off.

MaryJanesonabreak · 17/09/2023 16:28

Remember when he’s crying and trying to get back with you, it’s not you he loves. It’s the free house and money that he loves.
Grieve for the relationship you thought you were going to have, but not him. Everything about him was a lie designed to get you to pay for his lifestyle.

thesnailandthewhale · 17/09/2023 16:29

Don't be surprised if he gets in touch once he's calmed down to say he's realised he's got a problem with gambling, you're the only person he can talk to about it, he needs help etc ... it isn't your responsibility to do that, he has shown the level of respect he has for you, your child and your home. Well done op xx

bluebeardswife7 · 17/09/2023 16:33

romdowa · 17/09/2023 10:44

Take a day off, while he as work remove his stuff and change the locks. Text him that him his stuff is outside and that your relationship is over. Then get yourself into therapy to prevent this cycle of being in abusive relationships.

This!! Why would you do anything else??

Freezingcoldinseptember · 17/09/2023 16:35

Keep him away op. He is a leech. Draining both your purse and your own mental health.

caringcarer · 17/09/2023 17:04

Kick him out and get the locks changed. He is stealing from you. He can't love you if he does that. You will be better off without this freeloader.