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Original poster

If your DP/DH has made you cry in public…

68 replies

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 11:33

….where did you go from there?

This is what has happened to me. We’re on holiday and last night, during what was supposed to be a lovely evening which I had planned (booking a beautiful well-known sunset spot), my DP of 2.5 years made me cry by being negative and stroppy.

He didn’t say anything especially terrible last night, it was more that I reached my limit with his negativity over the past week and suddenly started crying uncontrollably 😢 All around me were couples enjoying a romantic evening and some started to look uncomfortable (I wasn’t sobbing loudly, but it was quite obvious what was going on, especially when the waiter handed me a wad of tissues).

I am absolutely devastated that it has come to this. We have a great life and nothing like this has even happened before - but I can’t help thinking that things can never be the same again.

I have decided to spend the day apart from him today - I have gone to the beach by myself (although I have mostly just been crying, unfortunately).

I know this is me setting boundaries and telling him I am not willing to put up with this kind of behaviour. But why don’t I feel strong and empowered? I’m a teary wreck.

It’s so hard to know if this is the beginning of the end or if we can move on from this.

Would be grateful for your thoughts / experiences.

Thank you.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 16/09/2023 11:38

Can you elaborate on what he's been like that's pushed you to this point?

I rarely cry because I'm upset. I mostly cry out of frustration and feeling 'trapped' if I cry at all. I recognise it now as a sign that I've been pushed to my limit and something has to change.

The 'strong and empowered' feeling comes after I've taken steps to make that change. It's okay you don't feel it yet.

As for the last part of your OP, do you want to move on from it? Do you really, honestly think he'll have seen you crying and it'll have given him some sort of epiphany?

I don't know him of course, but any 'change' that comes from seeing a partner at breaking point is usually a temporary act to get things back to the shit status quo.

You're allowed to cry, and grieve that the life and relationship you have right now, isn't the one that you envisioned for yourself Flowers

Garihairy · 16/09/2023 11:44

In my case he did the usual of acting as if it had never happened, another 'good' time ensued for a while, the hope within me rose again ... until the next time he was horrible. And that was it until he eventually had to work up the courage to end the relationship himself (because he wouldn't let me). 30 fucking years.

Don't be me @Crushed23 . Your strength and boundaries are such a good thing. Listen to your limit, listen to what your tears are telling you; hear what he has to say, if anything, but make your own decisions. If you do decide you've had enough you will be upset, be prepared for that, but don't put up with shite from someone who is too weak to behave well.

Flowers
ZebraD · 16/09/2023 11:46

What was his reaction to you being upset?

2chocolateoranges · 16/09/2023 11:47

Was he being negative towards you or just negative in general?

AdoraBell · 16/09/2023 11:50

How do you have a great life if he’s so negative?

DH has never made me cry, although I have cried in public when the DDs were young and I was overwhelmed. He hugged me, we let DDs finish their lunch and we went home and looked after them while I slept.

Original poster
Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 12:05

Thank you so much for the replies.

To answer a few questions:

@2chocolateoranges He has been negative because I have been ill for the past week, and while I have tried to stay positive (and tried to get better - went to see a pharmacist twice), he seems to have taken it personally because it has meant we have not been able to be intimate. There is a running, background problem to the relationship in that we have mismatched sex drives and one of the reasons is our busy lives / not enough quality time together. So from his perspective, to have a week of quality time together and not have sex is less than ideal, even if there is a valid reason for this (my being ill).

@ZebraD His reaction to my crying was to say nothing as I think both of us were in shock by it? I certainly could not believe that I was crying uncontrollably in public. He apologised this morning ‘for being a dick all week’ to which I told him I wanted to spend the day apart today. He sent a text later on to apologise again and ask if I wanted him to join me (I said no).

@TibetanTerrah What I meant by strong and empowered was that is how I hoped I would feel today. I took action to effectively say ‘no, we will not brush past this, this is unacceptable and I won’t stand for it anymore’. However if anything I am more upset today than I was last night.

It’s just so hard to know what all this means for the relationship.

OP posts:
LividHot · 16/09/2023 12:14

It’s hard to know from what you’ve said so far how unreasonable he’s been. But in general, being a moody fucker because you can’t get laid on holiday is arsehole behaviour.

In my case, he made me cry too many times and it got worse until I made him leave and now we’re nearly divorced.

He’s still a moody fucker and we have to coparent but it’s better than being married and living together.

monsteramunch · 16/09/2023 12:18

A man who gets angry and sulky you cant have sex for any reason, let alone if that reason is you being ill, is not a safe or suitable partner.

It's that simple.

I know it doesn't feel simple but the principle is.

Good, decent men who are safe partners do not punish you with arsey behaviour for not wanting to have sex with them when you're ill.

Good, decent men who are safe partners do not want to have sex with someone they know isn't fully, enthusiastically consenting.

If I was ill on holiday my partner would feel bad for both of us that we might miss out on stuff we had planned but none of his disappointment would be directed at me.

Because he's not a dick.

MMmomDD · 16/09/2023 12:20

OP - you aren’t feeling strong and empowered because crying uncontrollably in public - is not ‘establishing and standing up’ to your boundaries.
It’s a reaction to those boundaries being disrespected.

You need to actually talk about it all. Without emotions coming into it.
Then - you will feel stronger.

However - mismatched libidos are notoriously difficult to navigate around in a relationship.

Cheeesus · 16/09/2023 12:20

He’s been sulking all week because you’re ill and don’t feel like having sex with him?

That would be the end of it for me.

FoghornUnicorn · 16/09/2023 12:26

Think about logically - he wants to have sex with you even though you are too ill to do so. What kind of a man would want to co-erce an ill woman to have sex? A really fucking nasty one. I’m not surprised you’re so upset, that’s a normal reaction.

A decent man would only care about your well-being rather than putting his sexual needs above everything. Ugh.

Prelapsarianhag · 16/09/2023 12:27

He is a sulky sex pest, nothing more off putting.

Garihairy · 16/09/2023 12:33

Him apologising after the event doesn't take away the fact that he was in a strop because he considers that you spoiled his plans by being ill. Have a think about that if it was any other couple.

Beware the man who hates when you're ill, whether that means you're not giving him attention or sex. That is not a good person to have in your life.

I hope you're feeling better physically @Crushed23 , although obviously emotionally you're a bit all over the place Flowers

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/09/2023 12:34

Well he's apologised which is something many men don't do, so I would see how it goes later...
hope you're feeling a bit better now and enjoy a day doing your own thing.

Original poster
Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 12:36

Just to be clear, there was absolutely no co-ercing. He didn’t say he was moody because we couldn’t have sex, I just strongly suspect this is the reason based on how things are in the relationship when it’s been a while since we have had sex (there’s tension and we’re less affectionate with one another).

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 12:39

However - mismatched libidos are notoriously difficult to navigate around in a relationship.

Yes, they are so so so difficult to navigate. Harder than I ever imagined when we first realised there was an issue. And I wonder if that’s what the tears are - an acknowledgment that this could really be an insurmountable problem for us and mean we have to go our separate ways. 😢

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 16/09/2023 12:41

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 12:36

Just to be clear, there was absolutely no co-ercing. He didn’t say he was moody because we couldn’t have sex, I just strongly suspect this is the reason based on how things are in the relationship when it’s been a while since we have had sex (there’s tension and we’re less affectionate with one another).

This post has two opposing pieces of information. What's your understanding of coercion?

Because coercion is often implicit, not explicit. i.e. his behaviour makes you suspect it's the reason for the tension, rather than him outwardly saying it.

ZebraD · 16/09/2023 12:43

I think you both just need to talk and be open. Second guessing us never a good thing.

AgnesX · 16/09/2023 12:45

Prelapsarianhag · 16/09/2023 12:27

He is a sulky sex pest, nothing more off putting.

This is the situation in a nutshell. There'll be more of the same regardless of where you are or what you do in the future.

Is this really what you want in your life in the long term?

SophiaElizabethGrace · 16/09/2023 12:48

In my experience, holidays often place a magnifying glass over existing issues. I imagine that if you're honest, you'll realise that there have already been red flags which you've ignored (we've all done it!).

Its horrible when you're upset on holiday. We all have high hopes that the time away will fix things, allow time together, meals out, sunshine etc whereas in reality it's often not plain sailing.

I hope you manage to relax today. I would use the time to assess what you really want from the relationship and whether the mismatch in terms of sex is sustainable.

80s · 16/09/2023 12:49

I was going to say the same, that moody, stroppy behaviour is a form of coercion. You feel under pressure to have sex with him as otherwise you're "punished" by his horrible behaviour.

There are no rules about when and how your emotions have to manifest themselves when you're stressed. Everyone's different. But you're still in the stressful situation and presumably starting to realise that this could be the end of your relationship.

Original poster
Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:01

Thank you for all the kind words - I will try to have a nice time for the rest of the trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:05

I will take on board the comments about co-ercion, however I think it’s very difficult to think of it that way because it certainly won’t be intentional on his part. He’s just one of those people that feels his feelings and doesn’t mask/white lie/sugar coat. I don’t think he has a manipulative bone in his body.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:11

SophiaElizabethGrace · 16/09/2023 12:48

In my experience, holidays often place a magnifying glass over existing issues. I imagine that if you're honest, you'll realise that there have already been red flags which you've ignored (we've all done it!).

Its horrible when you're upset on holiday. We all have high hopes that the time away will fix things, allow time together, meals out, sunshine etc whereas in reality it's often not plain sailing.

I hope you manage to relax today. I would use the time to assess what you really want from the relationship and whether the mismatch in terms of sex is sustainable.

I completely recognise what you say in the first bit of your post. I think there have definitely been cracks in the relationship.

On the one hand, it would be good not to have to deal with the libido issues (can’t stress how difficult this has been), but on the other hand, I’m in my mid-30s and hope to have kids - can I really afford to throw away a stable, loving relationship at this stage?

So much to think about. 😞

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/09/2023 13:28

In what way are you msimatched?