Page 2 | If your DP/DH has made you cry in public…

Crushed23 · 2023-09-16T10:33:59+00:00

….where did you go from there? This is what has happened to me. We’re on holiday and last night, during what was supposed to be a lovely evening which I had planned (booking a beautiful well-known sunset spot), my DP of 2.5 years made me cry by being negative and stroppy. He didn’t say anything especially terrible last night, it was more that I reached my limit with his negativity over the past week and suddenly started crying uncontrollably 😢 All around me were couples enjoying a romantic evening and some started to look uncomfortable (I wasn’t sobbing loudly, but it was quite obvious what was going on, especially when the waiter handed me a wad of tissues). I am absolutely devastated that it has come to this. We have a great life and nothing like this has even happened before - but I can’t help thinking that things can never be the same again. I have decided to spend the day apart from him today - I have gone to the beach by myself (although I have mostly just been crying, unfortunately). I know this is me setting boundaries and telling him I am not willing to put up with this kind of behaviour. But why don’t I feel strong and empowered? I’m a teary wreck. It’s so hard to know if this is the beginning of the end or if we can move on from this. Would be grateful for your thoughts / experiences. Thank you.

80s · 16/09/2023 13:28

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:05

I will take on board the comments about co-ercion, however I think it’s very difficult to think of it that way because it certainly won’t be intentional on his part. He’s just one of those people that feels his feelings and doesn’t mask/white lie/sugar coat. I don’t think he has a manipulative bone in his body.

What's the difference between "doesn’t mask/white lie/sugar coat" and "doesn't consider my feelings", I wonder, when his behaviour will clearly make you feel unhappy?

Garihairy · 16/09/2023 13:35

I don’t think he has a manipulative bone in his body.

Kindly, yet here you are posting on MN because of your reaction to his behaviour.

I get it, but I also have experience of coercive control. They can appear so innocent while you are wondering WTF happened there, at the very least. I know my ex husband so much better now than I did when I was with him, because I have the headspace to see his behaviour for what it was. When you're with them they keep your head so busy with their wants and needs, while all the time appearing to be quite normal.

I really hope for your sake it's not as bad as I'm making out it could be but I just wanted to make you aware how insidious the manipulation can be

Original poster

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:41

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2023 13:28

In what way are you msimatched?

Mismatched in the sense that I have a much, much lower sex drive than he does. I have looked into whether this is physiological by seeing a gynaecologist about this and it turns out it isn’t physiological (she said it was ‘normal’ for couples to have mismatched libidos which confuses me even more as to whether we even have a problem…). Which leaves psychological, and I am looking into seeing a therapist about the issue.

OP posts:

tara66 · 16/09/2023 13:44

Don't stay with him just because you think he's your only chance for children. You are not happy with him. Do not have children who will suffer seeing their mother crying because their father is not getting sex. He is showing you who he is. Why are you unwell? Have you seen a doctor?

OneMoreCookieMonster · 16/09/2023 13:45

Staying because you want children always ends in heartbreak.

If you have mismatched sex drives now adding children into the mix makes it even more difficult. Especially, if he is the sulking type.

Sulking and moodiness because he is not getting laid is manipulation. He's playing with your emotions. He's hoping you'll try to cheer him up and have sex even though you're unwell. Because it's not outright manipulation with words it may not seem like it at first. It's body language and emotion that he's using.

You've said he's been like this before. It's no way to be in relationship.

I have a much higher sex drive than my husband and will even have sex when ill. Child birth was the only thing that could stop me. We had a nearly sexless marriage which was nearly the end of us. After alot of change. I came to realise that the lack of sex on his part wasn't completely his sex drive being lower it was a symptom of the real issues we were having. Could this be the same for you?

I hope you can find some joy in what remains of your hols x

TibetanTerrah · 16/09/2023 13:46

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:41

Mismatched in the sense that I have a much, much lower sex drive than he does. I have looked into whether this is physiological by seeing a gynaecologist about this and it turns out it isn’t physiological (she said it was ‘normal’ for couples to have mismatched libidos which confuses me even more as to whether we even have a problem…). Which leaves psychological, and I am looking into seeing a therapist about the issue.

Show quote history

Has he seen anyone to get checked out because his sex drive is much higher than yours?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with either of you. I'm just surprised that you think you're the abnormal one, so much so that you went to see a gynaecologist and are now looking at a therapist

Who is pitching him as the 'normal' one, so much so that you're seeking help to be 'fixed'?

Original poster

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:46

Garihairy · 16/09/2023 13:35

I don’t think he has a manipulative bone in his body.

Kindly, yet here you are posting on MN because of your reaction to his behaviour.

I get it, but I also have experience of coercive control. They can appear so innocent while you are wondering WTF happened there, at the very least. I know my ex husband so much better now than I did when I was with him, because I have the headspace to see his behaviour for what it was. When you're with them they keep your head so busy with their wants and needs, while all the time appearing to be quite normal.

I really hope for your sake it's not as bad as I'm making out it could be but I just wanted to make you aware how insidious the manipulation can be

This is insightful and gives me a lot to think about, thank you.

I think headspace is what we both need, and then to sit down and talk honestly about the relationship. I am just worried/sad that this might be the beginning of the end.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:53

TibetanTerrah · 16/09/2023 13:46

Has he seen anyone to get checked out because his sex drive is much higher than yours?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with either of you. I'm just surprised that you think you're the abnormal one, so much so that you went to see a gynaecologist and are now looking at a therapist

Who is pitching him as the 'normal' one, so much so that you're seeking help to be 'fixed'?

Show quote history

I thought it was a cause for concern that my sex drive disappeared overnight (first year of the relationship I had a normal/high sex drive) so I saw a GP who referred me to the gynaecologist. Maybe I am being a drama queen, but I really didn’t expect to have such a low sex drive at my age.

OP posts:

Garihairy · 16/09/2023 13:57

I am just worried/sad that this might be the beginning of the end.

I know . It seems like the end of the world when you're going through it but there is life afterwards and I can highly recommend it.

I thought it was a cause for concern that my sex drive disappeared overnight (first year of the relationship I had a normal/high sex drive)

Can you remember of what was happening around that time between the two of you? How the relationship was in general?

You're not being a drama queen!

MMmomDD · 16/09/2023 13:58

@Crushed23

Going against the grain here. At mid-30s, if most of the relationship is OK - and you want to have kids - i’d be pragmatic.

Break up, getting over it; trying to meet someone with a view of having kids pronto - is not a great path. And with a potential to end in a sad place.

I’d rather be divorced with a child, than involuntary childless.
Not a popular view here - as you’ll be told you should leave; take your chances; and you’ll be fine. But to me it’s gambling with closing fertility window.

You describe him as loving. And as someone who is affected - but not coercive - when there is little sex. People’s moods can get affected when there is no sex - it’s not something they can control. They can only control behaviour.
He seems to not even realised what he was like - and was sorry when he did.
Those are positives. And something you can work with.

As to the causes of lower libido - have you tried relationship/sex therapy?

Babyboomtastic · 16/09/2023 14:02

To answer your question: dozens of times. But that's because I'm am emotional waterfall incapable of suppressing feelings and they usually come out in tears. I've also cried at several bosses, most members of my family, even (mortifyingly) strangers a few times. I cry from being happy, v being sad, being tired, being stressed and being annoyed But we don't shout, and because I'm so transparent we never let things fester. I'd like to be less embarrassing but it's kind of who I am.

However, if you aren't a frequent crier (which you're not by the sounds of it) then it can mean a lot more. Clearly you've both got some issues that you need need to discuss. I don't think it means it's the beginning of the end but it has highlighted how unhappy you are right now, and that needs fixing.

I don't think just being in a grumpy mood because you are sexually frustrated is coercive. I know we are less snappy and much more affectionate with eachother when we have lots of sex, so I guess the reverse is probably true of us. Its certainly not your fault that you've been ill and not you to sex. Its not a mandatory thing and if you feel pressured that's something you need to discuss with him.

Original poster

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 14:03

MMmomDD · 16/09/2023 13:58

@Crushed23

Going against the grain here. At mid-30s, if most of the relationship is OK - and you want to have kids - i’d be pragmatic.

Break up, getting over it; trying to meet someone with a view of having kids pronto - is not a great path. And with a potential to end in a sad place.

I’d rather be divorced with a child, than involuntary childless.
Not a popular view here - as you’ll be told you should leave; take your chances; and you’ll be fine. But to me it’s gambling with closing fertility window.

You describe him as loving. And as someone who is affected - but not coercive - when there is little sex. People’s moods can get affected when there is no sex - it’s not something they can control. They can only control behaviour.
He seems to not even realised what he was like - and was sorry when he did.
Those are positives. And something you can work with.

As to the causes of lower libido - have you tried relationship/sex therapy?

You have perfectly articulated my dilemma. I don’t feel I’m at an age where I can throw away a relationship and move on easily. I was single for 4 years before meeting DP, if it takes me as long to meet someone else, that’s my fertile years all gone. So it’s something that needs a lot of consideration.

Yes, I am looking into therapy.

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justasking111 · 16/09/2023 14:04

@Crushed23 I would at least have blood tests to see if something has changed to alter your sex drive. Unless you think he just doesn't light your bonfire any more.

You could have valid health reasons for this change in your libido.

StBrides · 16/09/2023 14:14

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 13:53

I thought it was a cause for concern that my sex drive disappeared overnight (first year of the relationship I had a normal/high sex drive) so I saw a GP who referred me to the gynaecologist. Maybe I am being a drama queen, but I really didn’t expect to have such a low sex drive at my age.

Show quote history

Perhaps he is the reason your sex drive vanished ..?

Sulkiness does nothing for mine

Stop treating yourself as if you are abnormal

OneMoreCookieMonster · 16/09/2023 14:14

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 14:03

You have perfectly articulated my dilemma. I don’t feel I’m at an age where I can throw away a relationship and move on easily. I was single for 4 years before meeting DP, if it takes me as long to meet someone else, that’s my fertile years all gone. So it’s something that needs a lot of consideration.

Yes, I am looking into therapy.

Show quote history

You both either he or you may have issues ttc. It's a lot to stay in a relationship for, just a what if...

But, equally depending how long you've been together you may be able to come back from this. Have you been together long? Are there any other issues in your relationship?

Lots for you to think about

Original poster

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 14:25

OneMoreCookieMonster · 16/09/2023 14:14

You both either he or you may have issues ttc. It's a lot to stay in a relationship for, just a what if...

But, equally depending how long you've been together you may be able to come back from this. Have you been together long? Are there any other issues in your relationship?

Lots for you to think about

Show quote history

I’m under no illusion that TTC will be smooth sailing - we’re both already in our mid-thirties. But it is a better bet than walking away from the relationship and re-entering the singles market in the hope of meeting someone suitable before my fertility window closes.

We’ve been together 2.5 years and live together. There are no other issues in the relationship but the mismatched sex drive is a big issue as it seems to affect everything.

OP posts:

LifeInTheUK · 16/09/2023 14:27

Don’t have children with this man.
if he can’t cope with you being ill for a week because you are ill, he’s never going to cope with the broken nights etc…l

Original poster

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 14:27

StBrides · 16/09/2023 14:14

Perhaps he is the reason your sex drive vanished ..?

Sulkiness does nothing for mine

Stop treating yourself as if you are abnormal

Show quote history

Yes, I have thought this.

It leads to a viscous cycle - the less we have sex, the more sulky he is, the less I want to have sex with him, etc…

OP posts:

Persipan · 16/09/2023 14:56

Just putting it out there that it's possible to have a family without having a partner. I know it's not for everyone but I always think it's worth mentioning in these situations because it sort of didn't occur to me until it occurred to me.... and then I did it.

AuntieEsther · 16/09/2023 15:04

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 14:27

Yes, I have thought this.

It leads to a viscous cycle - the less we have sex, the more sulky he is, the less I want to have sex with him, etc…

Show quote history

Did your sex drive disappear because of his behaviour? What does he say when you tell him how unattractive and offputting not to mention entitled his behaviour is?

AuntieEsther · 16/09/2023 15:05

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 14:27

Yes, I have thought this.

It leads to a viscous cycle - the less we have sex, the more sulky he is, the less I want to have sex with him, etc…

Show quote history

Did your sex drive disappear because of his behaviour? What does he say when you tell him how unattractive and offputting not to mention entitled his behaviour is?

Garihairy · 16/09/2023 15:23

Persipan · 16/09/2023 14:56

Just putting it out there that it's possible to have a family without having a partner. I know it's not for everyone but I always think it's worth mentioning in these situations because it sort of didn't occur to me until it occurred to me.... and then I did it.

This. Sometimes an alternative source of sperm is a much better or safer option.

StBrides · 16/09/2023 18:32

Crushed23 · 16/09/2023 14:27

Yes, I have thought this.

It leads to a viscous cycle - the less we have sex, the more sulky he is, the less I want to have sex with him, etc…

Show quote history

In which case, he's really done a number on you hasn't he?

Spoken to a gynecologist about not wanting to have sex with him and now considering psych therapy....

LuluBlakey1 · 16/09/2023 18:39

But mismatched sex drives are a big issue in a relationship- especially, if as you imply, yours has vanished. If you have no sexual desire for him, on the occasions you do have sex you must be making yourself do it.

This isn't going to improve with a baby/babies/toddlers around and is likely to exacerbate the issues between you. He has a right to feel desired and wanted sexually by his partner.

StBrides · 16/09/2023 18:40

LuluBlakey1 · 16/09/2023 18:39

But mismatched sex drives are a big issue in a relationship- especially, if as you imply, yours has vanished. If you have no sexual desire for him, on the occasions you do have sex you must be making yourself do it.

This isn't going to improve with a baby/babies/toddlers around and is likely to exacerbate the issues between you. He has a right to feel desired and wanted sexually by his partner.

Also true