If your DP/DH has made you cry in public…

[Crushed23]

….where did you go from there?

This is what has happened to me. We’re on holiday and last night, during what was supposed to be a lovely evening which I had planned (booking a beautiful well-known sunset spot), my DP of 2.5 years made me cry by being negative and stroppy.

He didn’t say anything especially terrible last night, it was more that I reached my limit with his negativity over the past week and suddenly started crying uncontrollably 😢 All around me were couples enjoying a romantic evening and some started to look uncomfortable (I wasn’t sobbing loudly, but it was quite obvious what was going on, especially when the waiter handed me a wad of tissues).

I am absolutely devastated that it has come to this. We have a great life and nothing like this has even happened before - but I can’t help thinking that things can never be the same again.

I have decided to spend the day apart from him today - I have gone to the beach by myself (although I have mostly just been crying, unfortunately).

I know this is me setting boundaries and telling him I am not willing to put up with this kind of behaviour. But why don’t I feel strong and empowered? I’m a teary wreck.

It’s so hard to know if this is the beginning of the end or if we can move on from this.

Would be grateful for your thoughts / experiences.

Thank you.

OP my heart goes out to you. You are so clearly flogging a dead horse it’s heartbreaking to read.

This man is not worth one more second of your time quite frankly.

Your patience, thoughtfulness and kindness shines through your post and will stand you in great stead to have children without a man. I would advise ditching the partner and going it alone.

Lots of love from an internet random with wonderful kids but a shitty ex who I should never have picked to be the father of my children.

Omg
Do not have kids with this sulky man child
Co parenting with him will make your life horrendous :(

And...in my lived experience - couples who ignore major issues because of their age/wanting kids...always end up breaking up...except now there are devastated kids in the mix
:(

OP,

What sad posts.

I cannot imagine how truly awful, lonely, unwell and profoundly uncared for you must feel, to start crying like that.

Really dreadful.

You poor poor pet.

His behaviour must be deeply insidiously unkind to have illicited such a reaction from you.

What pressure you must feel.

Please get some therapy because a good man does not cause such a deeply upset reaction.

I would be so wary of anyone who behaves so poorly towards you when you are ill, as to cause this.

He is not a good man.

I'm so sorry.

Going against the grain a bit here but I feel a bit sorry for your DP. You had a good sex drive for the first 12 months of your relationship and I think he would be perfectly entitled to feel that would continue but then yours disappeared overnight for no apparent reason.
Something happened to turn you off him sexually and you need to be really honest with yourself about what that is.
You are being very unfair to him to arrange a romantic evening when he knows full well it won't end with sex but he doesn't know why. No wonder he's miserable.
Please don't use him as a sperm donor if you are not compatible.

I think you both need to split.
You have no sex drive and it's unreasonable to expect someone else to not want sex.
If you had a child just because of your age and stayed in this relationship then it would be unfair for everyone involved.

maybe you are emotional because you have been poorly?
maybe you are disappointed in yourself that you could up the libido on holiday because you’re not tired etc.
do you still fancy him?
maybe he is sulky because he was looking forward to some sexy time on holiday - to be honest nothing at all wrong in that.
you can’t just dismiss or accuse him of being coercive or whatever just because he likes sex. Most men do. You can’t dismiss his feelings and give it a negative name like most are suggesting on here. Maybe because you’re poorly on holiday you have been different? None of us know but you can rely on some of the advice here that’s for sure. I think main thing is - do you still find him attractive, is he generally good to you and are you happy with him?

the mismatched sex drive is a big issue as it seems to affect everything.

This is your problem. It shouldn't affect everything. Your h is letting it affect everything.

If he's 'a dick' for a week because you're I'll, meaning he doesn't get sex, how do you think he'll cope with parenthood, when you may not feel like sex for months on end?? Or when you may be ill and he has to look after you?

If he's sulky about sex now, please don't ttc with him.

It's a huge problem.

If your sex drive is low now, there's every chance it will be zero if you have children. So, if your mismatched sex drives are causing trouble now then things would be much worse, in that scenario... 😬

Completely disagree.
If I had only been in a relationship a year and my husband rarely wanted sex, then I would feel pretty upset , unattractive and frankly sexually frustrated especially if the first year has been normal. You should still be in the ' 'enthusiastic zone' eager to find out what you both enjoy and looking forward to it.
Either you fancy him or you don't. I suspect you have found someone to 'settle with' because you want to have a family but he doesn't turn you on.

I have been married for 15 years (second marriage) and my DH is severely disabled following an accident and we haven't been able to have sex in four years nor will he in the future, but this is not his choice .. if he was choosing to enforce celibacy upon me, I would not stay.

Let him go OP and let him find someone who wants to enjoy the special intimacy that sex brings ..and intimacy that grows a relationship outside the bedroom and lasts through tricky times.

Can you really imagine 'trying for a baby' with someone you don't want to have sex with ? It doesn't always happen first time. It can take years, requiring LOTS of sex. It will be soul destroying. Then once pregnant and given birth he won't have a chance of sex for years until you need a sperm donor for another. It's hugely unfair.

I get frustrated with DH (and he with me) but he would never do something specific that pushed me to 24 hours of tears.

Today I have been frustrated as he hasn’t known without asking what jobs to do around the house or how to handle an over tired autistic child. But they are things that we can fix if we talk and plan for them. They are not things that would be fixed by us going out separate ways.

It leads to a viscous cycle - the less we have sex, the more sulky he is, the less I want to have sex with him, etc…

This is pretty clear. Your sex drive disappeared overnight because your p is a whiny baby out you don't have sex often enough. This is a him problem.

I'd talk seriously to him and make him understand that his behaviour is putting you off sex with him.

If he doesn't change, I'd leave him. Google 'sunken costs fallacy'.

@insideoutandupsidedown - so you think it's ok for the op's partner to be a sulky pest whenever they don't have sex? I don't.

My friend thought she had no sex drive. Turns out she does, now she’s no longer with her exH. You may just be mis-matched as a couple.

You’re at opposite ends of the spectrum and this problem won’t ever miraculously go away.

Your body doesn’t want him because your mind doesn’t want him.

He is psychologically putting an enormous amount of pressure on you all the time for his sexual needs.

To be with someone who still does it when you’re ill is as low as it gets.

You need to leave him and find someone you’re compatible with.

Of you are seriously mismatched sexually then this issue won't go away.

You should never feel forced or guilted into sleeping with someone just because you are in a relationship.

But you both need to be happy. It might not be together.

Your mismatched sex drives aren’t the only issues in your relationship. He sulks and goes moody because he’s smart enough to know that complaining about lack of sex when you are ill isn’t a good look. Instead he poison’s the atmosphere so you’ll either a) just roll over and think of England or b) put you on notice that this is what happens if you don’t want sex. Essentially, he wants you immediately change your behaviour by rolling over or to effect future behaviour by putting you on notice of the consequences of not prioritising his wants.

I think your relationship has serious issues which future TTC ambitions are minimising. Mismatched sex drives are common, don’t confuse that with workable.

Don't run to ladies, start fighting in public.