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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I report something to the police but them not take action?

43 replies

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 10:35

Posting here for traffic.

My ex (childrens father) did something to me last Friday, he was drunk very drunk but I said no and he went ahead anyway. My bum was covered in bruises from him which I photographed.
He slept off the drink and left the next day, we havent spoken about what happened. I'm not sure he remembers but then he could remember but doesnt see any wrong in it, I dont know.

I want to log it with the police so it's on record incase I ever need to use it (if he tried to remove children from my care) but I dont want him arrested, is that something I can do? Or not?
I dont need bashing for not wanting him arrested either, I am trauma bonded to this man huge history of controlling and coercive behaviour. He has done this twice before but that was a very long time ago now.

OP posts:

thaisweetchill · 15/09/2023 10:41

They will take action. A family member phoned the police for advice over something and because it was domestic violence they arrested the other person.

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 10:41

@thaisweetchill thank you

OP posts:

BananaSlug · 15/09/2023 10:42

No you won’t be able to just “log” that

GrazingSheep · 15/09/2023 10:46

Is it a possibility that he may abuse your children?

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 10:47

@GrazingSheep no definitely not

OP posts:

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 15/09/2023 10:47

Prob won't abuse your dc but may well kill you....

GrazingSheep · 15/09/2023 10:49

That’s a positive. But being physically abusive to you is harming them indirectly. Are they aware of what he did ? Were they in the house?

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 10:56

@GrazingSheep they were in the house but asleep, they aren't aware of what happened

OP posts:

TheBarbieEffect · 15/09/2023 10:58

Of course they’re aware of what’s happening. You can’t hide them from that and you’re a fool if you think they don’t know.

BoatsAndHoes · 15/09/2023 11:01

Hi OP, I mentioned to the police a few weeks ago that my ex had physically assaulted me in February and they arrested him I believe, or they told me they were going to. I think he just got a talking to. Social services were automatically involved too. But like you say, I now have the 'evidence' in the form of a police report that he is violent should he ever fight for custody of our children etc.

Divebar2021 · 15/09/2023 11:02

https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc

next time you might want to visit a SARC and a specialist Dr can recover all the forensic evidence for you and store it appropriately. They can refer to counselling too. ( police use them but you can self refer if they exist in your part of the world)

Sexual Assault Referral Centres (SARC)

SARCs (sexual assault referral centres) are specialist medical and forensic services for anyone who has been raped or sexually assaulted. They are designed to be comfortable and multi-functional, providing private space for interviews and forensic exam...

https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc

RoomOfRequirement · 15/09/2023 11:02

If he sexually or physically assaulted you, you can get medical care and tell them he did it. It will be 'logged' in your medical records.

So sorry OP.

YNK · 15/09/2023 11:04

I'm afraid you cannot control the actions of the police but it's still important to report this abuse to keep yourself and your family safe from a domestic abuser.

It must have been terrifying for you and if your child had got up they would have been traumatised by witnessing this meaning that they were also at risk of significant harm.
This must be reported otherwise you are potentially colluding in child abuse.
I'm so very sorry this horrible man has placed you in this position.

Dotjones · 15/09/2023 11:04

The police will decide whether or not to take action - contrary to common belief, it's not the victim's choice whether charges are made or not.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 15/09/2023 11:04

I reported a historic SA, something that happened to me a long time ago. I wanted him to be on their records. I had evidence (as you do) but said I didn't want to take it further. They were brilliant. They did go and talk to him, and to my surprise they actually did arrest him, just before Christmas, but I asked for him to be let go because he had a little boy. But anyway, he got his cards marked. So I think you could talk to them and tell them your preferences as to what you want/ don't want to happen, but ultimately it is out of your control once you report it (but you should!).

Neverwatchedgameofthrones · 15/09/2023 11:15

I'm going to be quite firm here and I apologise in advance.

Your children were in the house when you were assaulted. This isn't a game where you save evidence for later and can produce a trump card if you need it in future. The kids need their mum. You need to report what has happened and take steps to safeguard your children. Sorry to be so blunt.

ManateeFair · 15/09/2023 11:18

In the UK, it is not the victim who decides whether action will be taken. When you hear people say 'the victim dropped the charges', that isn't true - people usually mean 'the victim refused to testify and without their testimony there wasn't enough evidence for a reasonable chance of conviction' or 'the victim withdrew their statement and said it didn't happen after all'. The decision on whether to investigate is the police's decision, and the decision on whether to charge someone is the Crown's decision.

So if you were to report your violently and sexually abusive ex to the police, they could still take action whether you wanted them to or not.

That's not to say that they necessarily would, however, and they will be used to taking reports from women who have been abused by their partners but are wary of further investigation. For this reason, I'd seriously urge you to at least have a conversation with the police about it even if you make it clear from the outset that you don't feel strong enough to support an investigation at the moment.

I would add that your ex is not just a danger to you, but to other women, and in all probability to your children.

ManateeFair · 15/09/2023 11:22

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 10:56

@GrazingSheep they were in the house but asleep, they aren't aware of what happened

Even if they don't know the specifics of this particular incident, I can 100% guarantee you that they definitely know that their father abuses you. This situation is definitely harming them.

I completely understand how hard it is to take action in relation to something like this, but you are in severe denial about the impact this is having, and will continue to have, on your children.

ManateeFair · 15/09/2023 11:30

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 10:47

@GrazingSheep no definitely not

You say he was so drunk when he attacked you that he might not even remember what happened. You also say that he might not think he's done anything wrong.

If that's his level of judgement and understanding regarding his actions towards you, you absolutely CANNOT be sure that he won't harm his children. This is a man who is out of control and has no sense of what's normal/acceptable behaviour towards another human being.

No child is safe around a man who does what your ex has done to you. They just aren't. I'm certainly not saying he'll do the same thing to them, but they are not safe physically or emotionally around him.

I don't know whether your kids are boys or girls. If you have girls, do you want them to end up in a relationship like this because they don't know what is/isn't normal? If you have boys, do you want them to end up treating women the way your ex treats you?

Tinkerbyebye · 15/09/2023 11:34

Sorry you need to log it and let the police deal with it

How can you have him in your children’s life you need to start to think about them even if you don’t want to think about you

KrisAkabusi · 15/09/2023 11:38

He's done it before, he can do it again. Report it and have him arrested.

EvilElsa · 15/09/2023 11:44

OP -he is a rapist. When he next goes out and gets drunk he might do it to someone else. He needs to be arrested, he is dangerous. Stop minimising his horrific actions -he is a nasty piece of work, drink is no excuse. MN absolutely horrifies me sometimes; fucking awful. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, please look after yourself.

Freshair87 · 15/09/2023 11:59

Sorry OP but what if he kills you and the kids are left growing up with their rapist father! Please do go to the police

MNetcurtains · 15/09/2023 12:05

Apart from all the very good advice by PPs, change your locks and refuse him admission when he turns up drunk, at the very minimum.

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 12:50

Thanks for all the replies, I havent told anybody in person yet. Feeling really emotional and confused what to do next.
I'm not strong enough for any kind of court or police investigation due to mental health issues because of the relationship.

OP posts:

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