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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Can I report something to the police but them not take action?

43 replies

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 10:35

Posting here for traffic.

My ex (childrens father) did something to me last Friday, he was drunk very drunk but I said no and he went ahead anyway. My bum was covered in bruises from him which I photographed.
He slept off the drink and left the next day, we havent spoken about what happened. I'm not sure he remembers but then he could remember but doesnt see any wrong in it, I dont know.

I want to log it with the police so it's on record incase I ever need to use it (if he tried to remove children from my care) but I dont want him arrested, is that something I can do? Or not?
I dont need bashing for not wanting him arrested either, I am trauma bonded to this man huge history of controlling and coercive behaviour. He has done this twice before but that was a very long time ago now.

OP posts:

mamma65432 · 15/09/2023 12:53

Have you thought of contacting women's aid for some support in real life?
you can talk to them over live chat or phone.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 15/09/2023 12:54

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 12:50

Thanks for all the replies, I havent told anybody in person yet. Feeling really emotional and confused what to do next.
I'm not strong enough for any kind of court or police investigation due to mental health issues because of the relationship.

Well, there is a way of sorting out mental health issues due to being in an abusive relationship and that is not to be in it any more, starting with reporting him to the police so he doesn't get "so drunk he doesn't remember" pinning some woman down in an alley on a night out. Sorry to be blunt.

EvilElsa · 15/09/2023 13:05

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 12:50

I really do understand.
You need to seek help -do you have a support team with regards to your mental health issues? You could also try Womens Aid. There IS support out there for you.
It is SO important that you get this fucking monster out of your life, away from your kids and hopefully off the streets. He is dangerous -both to you and to other women.
Put it this way. If one of your children in the future came and told you they had been raped by their ex partner what would you want to happen. You would want them locked up and away from your family forever; it's no different for you and this situation. What if he gets drunk turns up and kills you? What if he turns up and takes the kids while drunk?
I'm not trying to bully you into anything, but you must get some help. This isn't a trivial matter. I'm honestly so sorry this is happening to you.

billy1966 · 15/09/2023 13:08

Would you confide in your GP.

Please call Womens aid for some support and advice.

Take care, you poor woman.

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 13:11

I am currently on live chat to womens aid, I do have support from the GP for my mental health but they are so far stretched, all i manage with her is a telephone conversation for a few minutes

OP posts:

Iamanisland · 15/09/2023 13:12

billy1966 · 15/09/2023 13:08

Would you confide in your GP.

Please call Womens aid for some support and advice.

Take care, you poor woman.

The GP should report this to MARAC which the police attend.

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 13:14

@Iamanisland the bruises are going now so dont think the GP would even make a report of it on the system

OP posts:

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 13:27

They have advised me to contact rape crisis

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 15/09/2023 13:31

I hope you will consider asking Mumsnet to move your thread to Relationships.
Recovery is a step by step process and it can take time. Try to keep moving in the right direction; he is your ex. You don't have to tolerate this treatment. You are at risk from him. If anything happens to you, it will affect your children.

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 13:45

Yeah they can move it to relationships if that would be better.

It's so hard after 12 years to imagine life without him in it full stop

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 15/09/2023 13:48

If you click the 'report' button on your post, tick the 'other' box, and ask them to move it to Relationships they'll usually do it pretty quickly.

MNHQ

LivMumsnet · 15/09/2023 13:54

Hello there @HoldingOnToAnything and we're really sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time right now. We've now moved your thread over to our Relationships topic and we hope you'll get lots of support and advice on here. Best of luck.

Trinity65 · 15/09/2023 14:03

EvilElsa · 15/09/2023 11:44

OP -he is a rapist. When he next goes out and gets drunk he might do it to someone else. He needs to be arrested, he is dangerous. Stop minimising his horrific actions -he is a nasty piece of work, drink is no excuse. MN absolutely horrifies me sometimes; fucking awful. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, please look after yourself.

This ^

Absolutely this.

AbbeyGailsParty · 15/09/2023 14:09

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 13:45

Yeah they can move it to relationships if that would be better.

It's so hard after 12 years to imagine life without him in it full stop

You can imagine your life without him in it.
No more assaults.
No more rape.
No more drunkenness.
No more abuse.
No more risk to your children.

You say he and the relationship caused your MH problems so use that to stop him.
He can be prosecuted, he can be stopped from seeing the children, you can get support and move on to a stronger, healthier life without him in it.

Original poster

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 14:30

@AbbeyGailsParty i just dont know where to start.

OP posts:

AbbeyGailsParty · 15/09/2023 14:49

Start with Women’s Aid.
You can also go to the police and ask advice to stop him coming to your home.
Once you take the first step it becomes much easier.

My husband was abusive I started with finding another job in another area. Took 3 months but once I got the job everything else fell into place easily.

Nutterjacks · 15/09/2023 15:10

RoomOfRequirement · 15/09/2023 11:02

If he sexually or physically assaulted you, you can get medical care and tell them he did it. It will be 'logged' in your medical records.

So sorry OP.

THIS

It'll generate a footprint - you may need it in the future.

Iamanisland · 15/09/2023 15:28

HoldingOnToAnything · 15/09/2023 13:14

@Iamanisland the bruises are going now so dont think the GP would even make a report of it on the system

Domestic abuse isn't only physical abuse there's sexual, emotional, financial and psychological to name a few more. A GP should refer any domestic abuse in to MARAC if they feel it meets threshold, to other domestic abuse services if not.

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