Partner said: ‘I know which side my bread is buttered on’

[Beelips]

So tonight my partner and I (3-year relationship) were having a lighthearted chat and within a certain context he said jokingly: ‘I always knew I’d find myself a nice certain nationality girl’. I said: ’Yes, you’ve done well, they are the best’. To which he responded: ‘Trust me, I know, I know. I know which side my bread is buttered on’.

Now… English is not my first language so asking for others’ opinions as it’s the second time he’s used this phrase in relation to our relationship.

I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding the nuances of this saying but I don’t take it as a compliment, more of a ‘I know what’s to my advantage’, rather than saying something like (what I’d rather hear): ‘Yes, I’m so lucky, you are the best’, or similar.

Am I overthinking? (I didn’t say anything to him obviously).

People who don’t know which side their bread is buttered are fools who’ve thrown away/allowed to slip through their fingers (because of their lack of understanding and appreciation) someone highly valued by all others.
The implication is that in his considered opinion, he feels he’s very lucky to be with such a star. Don’t look for any other adverse thoughts. Take it from a northerner.

I dunno, it seems perfectly normal to me.

Partner A: "I always knew I'd find myself a nice [whatever] girl"
Partner B: "Yes, you've done well, they're the best"
Partner A: "I know, I know — trust me, I know which side my bread's buttered"

To me, the whole thing is deliberately unserious, jokey play-acting from the beginning.

It's unlikely partner A really did always plan to find a partner from this specific small group, so it's probably a joke.

It's unlikely partner B really does think that women from this group (like her) are better than all others, so it's probably play-acting at being arrogant, as a joke.

So the response of partner A is play-acting at responding to the arrogance by pretending to be appeasing the arrogance, as a joke.

There aren't many other ways to respond to someone claiming that women of her nationality are better than women of other nationalities, unless you play into the joke in some way.

I'm in the US and I wouldn't necessarily think it a compliment. To me it means more like 'I know whose good side I need to stay on/who I need to kiss up to' to keep the status quo. So in the context of OP's bf agreeing that her nationality is 'the best', answering "I know which side my bread is buttered on" is the same as saying "I know I better say that!".

Same with 'happy wife, happy life'. To me it means 'I better keep my wife happy or there will be hell to pay'. Most of the time I hear it used somewhat sarcastically or after a man has 'given in' to what his wife wants.

Yes, this is definitely how I would read it.

But I don't think boyfriend intended it this way. He was probably well meaning but just used the phrase clumsily.

If he used the phrase in the 'jokey' way which off describes, I would find that offputting [haha, pun]. I used to have a boyfriend who would do passive aggressive 'jokey' put downs. He was one twisted mind fuck.

He misused the phrase and doesn’t know what it means. It is just another way of saying “knows where their loyalties lie.” It’s really not applicable in a romantic relationship.

I'd take it to mean he knows he's got a good thing going. Whether that's said as a positive or negative thing depends on your relationship. You don't say which nationality you are, but if there's a stereotype of women from your culture doing all the housework etc, and you do that, then I'd say he was being quite smug and self satisfied with the phrase - he has a little wife to do all the chores. If the stereotype is that women from your culture are beautiful and vivacious, then I'd say he was being complementary and positive, and is striving to stay in your good books to keep you. Depends on the context.

Personally, I don’t think it’s an insult or a compliment to you either way. It’s about him and him being happy with his lot.

It's meant to show that he appreciates you.

To me it means he really understands how lucky he is to have you and consequently he isn't going to do anything to piss you off and leave him.

I agree. To (mis)quote Inigo Montoya "I do not think it means what he thinks it means". lol

And yes, I've had a PA partner before too. Saying something that at first you think is 'nice', only a few minutes later to think "Hey now, what did you just say?". Then to be accused of not having a sense of humour or (worse) willfully misunderstanding their 'innocent' remark. Never again.

Oh, get a bloody life. Who has time to overthink one comment?

Anyone would think every word that comes out of all our mouths is perfection.

If that's all you're worrying about, maybe just let it drop.

I’m sorry, what’s happened to you…? 💐

Thank you everyone who’s taken time to help me unpick this, I really appreciate your comments; it’s made me think (ha, some on this thread would say overthink) about things from different angles.
And I do realise it’s difficult to give a definite answer without having the full context and knowing what my full experience of the relationship is (somebody used the word ‘undercurrent’). Everything is relative, after all 🙂 and only I can decide whether I’m happy. But I think it’s always helpful to get other people’s views, so thank you all.

Well said, OP.

Trust your gut instinct. Because you alone know the 'undercurrents' of your relationship.

Hey Beelip, fellow non-British poster here. We might even hail from the same country, who knows.
I would interpret this as "I know when I'm in to something good." Remember, even native speakers can be clumsy with words and phrases.

Yeah this. I’d be quite offended if my husband said this.

some people are clearly easily offended :P

He basically made a "I'm lucky and I better not piss you off" joke...as in he needs to suck up to you because he really struck gold

not the worst thing a partner can say :P

This.