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Original poster

Partner said: ‘I know which side my bread is buttered on’

93 replies

Beelips · 14/09/2023 20:59

So tonight my partner and I (3-year relationship) were having a lighthearted chat and within a certain context he said jokingly: ‘I always knew I’d find myself a nice certain nationality girl’. I said: ’Yes, you’ve done well, they are the best’. To which he responded: ‘Trust me, I know, I know. I know which side my bread is buttered on’.

Now… English is not my first language so asking for others’ opinions as it’s the second time he’s used this phrase in relation to our relationship.

I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding the nuances of this saying but I don’t take it as a compliment, more of a ‘I know what’s to my advantage’, rather than saying something like (what I’d rather hear): ‘Yes, I’m so lucky, you are the best’, or similar.

Am I overthinking? (I didn’t say anything to him obviously).

OP posts:
Permanentlymildlymiffed · 14/09/2023 22:16

Definitely means he knows he’s onto a good thing. It’s a common northern phrase, my husband uses it replying to my mother asking do you know what a lucky man you are!

pizzaHeart · 14/09/2023 22:17

moresleepthanks · 14/09/2023 21:28

I take it as meaning that he knows he has a good thing going and isn't going to do anything to spoil that.
He values his current situation with you.

This^
I often jokingly tell this to my DH meaning exactly this. I love him, I care about him and I value having him in my life.
English is my second language.

skippy67 · 14/09/2023 22:18

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2023 21:05

I'd be more concerned that he's with you because you are a stereotype to him.

Yep.

Original poster
Beelips · 14/09/2023 22:19

Superfood · 14/09/2023 21:57

You are interchangeable with other women of whatever ethnicity/ nationality it is that he fetishises.

Show quote history

Ouch. No, I don’t think that’s how it was meant 🙂. Last time he used the phrase was not related to my nationality at all.

OP posts:
ConstitutionHill · 14/09/2023 22:20

What are the practicalities of your relationship? Living/mortgage/home ownership? Who pays for what? Working? Children?

It could be a compliment but we'd need to know more context.

Your written English is top notch despite it not being your first language I must say.

KeepTheTempo · 14/09/2023 22:21

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2023 21:05

I'd be more concerned that he's with you because you are a stereotype to him.

This. I am perpetually amazed by how extremely blind Mumsnetters are to racism.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/09/2023 22:21

In the USA it would definitely be a complement. It is an idiom phrase, like "Happy wife, happy life." You are special and he recognizes it and values you.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 14/09/2023 22:21

It is definitely a compliment to you. Obviously this is Mumsnet, so predictably there will be lots of posters saying very negative things about him, simply because he's a man. Ignore them. He clearly loves you.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 14/09/2023 22:23

I'm a northerner and to me it means you're the best thing that happened to me and I don't want to spoil it. Thing is it can be a mercenary comment or a massive compliment- it depends exactly what it is you bring to his life and how you improve it.

Original poster
Beelips · 14/09/2023 22:24

Itisadifficulttime · 14/09/2023 22:16

Is he British? If he is, he definitely knows the right context in which to use that phrase. The scenario you described is not the right context.

He is English (London).

OP posts:
KeepTheTempo · 14/09/2023 22:28

'bread is buttered' is fine..."I always knew I’d find myself a nice certain nationality girl" is a bit of a red flag for me, especially if he's dated the same nationality/ethnicity before, and it's not his own. I've been told this before too, and it's really them saying that they have a bit of a race fetish, or they like the idea of a 'traditional'/submissive woman.

Ginflinger · 14/09/2023 22:29

I'd think he's trying to pay you a compliment, but slightly misusing the phrase. Have you asked him what he thinks it means?

TheSpruce · 14/09/2023 22:29

Sorry, going against the grain here. If my British DH told me: I always knew I'd find myself a nice Czech girl.

I would not find that complimentary at all. As someone else said, it would feel like he had some weird stereotype in his head and chose me because of that over me being my own person. It doesn't sit right...

Original poster
Beelips · 14/09/2023 22:29

ConstitutionHill · 14/09/2023 22:20

What are the practicalities of your relationship? Living/mortgage/home ownership? Who pays for what? Working? Children?

It could be a compliment but we'd need to know more context.

Your written English is top notch despite it not being your first language I must say.

Thank you 🙂. I’ve lived in the UK for a long time now.

Practicalities: We don’t live together. All finances separate, he has an adult child from previous relationship, I also have one younger child from previous relationship living with me.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/09/2023 22:31

It means he knows he's fortunate to have you in his life and he's not going to do anything to jeopardise that.

SheilaFentiman · 14/09/2023 22:32

It’s a compliment.

always has me humming “Freedom” by George Michael (and I think he was London, not northern!)

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which
Side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well

Original poster
Beelips · 14/09/2023 22:33

KeepTheTempo · 14/09/2023 22:28

'bread is buttered' is fine..."I always knew I’d find myself a nice certain nationality girl" is a bit of a red flag for me, especially if he's dated the same nationality/ethnicity before, and it's not his own. I've been told this before too, and it's really them saying that they have a bit of a race fetish, or they like the idea of a 'traditional'/submissive woman.

As said before, this is not a concern. He’s never dated a girl of my nationality and his dating history suggests a varied taste.

And I certainly wouldn’t class myself as a ‘traditional/submissive’ woman 🙂.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beelips · 14/09/2023 22:33

Ginflinger · 14/09/2023 22:29

I'd think he's trying to pay you a compliment, but slightly misusing the phrase. Have you asked him what he thinks it means?

I haven’t. Maybe I will.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 14/09/2023 22:35

He is not using the term correctly. Used in the correct context, it is not complimentary.

Knowing which side your bread is buttered means he is saying I know who pays the bills i..e you, so he has to suck it up, whether he likes it or not. It is as if you hold a gun to his head and he has no choice but to go with what you want because he who pays the piper (i.e you) calls the tune. In other words, he is not with you voluntarily out of love. He is with you because you pay the rent and bills.

Like I said, I don't think he means this hence, his using the term incorrectly.

PS not all Londoners, even native English speakers, know what they are talking about.

off · 14/09/2023 22:41

He is not using the term correctly. Used in the correct context, it is not complimentary.

Well surely that depends? If he's saying it as a joke, meaning, "Of course, I have to say that I agree with you that [x nationality] women are best, don't I, because I need to stay on your good side, haha", then it makes sense just fine.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 14/09/2023 22:46

I think if it is making you feel uncomfortable then it is an issue. You don’t feel it’s a compliment so it doesn’t matter than anyone else thinks it is - you don’t and it’s ok to tell him that.

category12 · 14/09/2023 22:51

It all depends on the larger picture of your relationship, doesn't it? How do you feel about it?

It's no good loads of people telling you it's benign and complimentary if it doesn't feel that way to you. You know what your relationship is like and if you feel valued as yourself, for yourself, or if you think there's something else going on.

Trust your own feelings.

blueshoes · 14/09/2023 22:57

off · 14/09/2023 22:41

He is not using the term correctly. Used in the correct context, it is not complimentary.

Well surely that depends? If he's saying it as a joke, meaning, "Of course, I have to say that I agree with you that [x nationality] women are best, don't I, because I need to stay on your good side, haha", then it makes sense just fine.

Even that is not very nice. Why does he have to give fake compliments to be on OP's good side? The term in the correct context has an edge to it. Not seeing the joke here.

It is like men who call their partners 'the missus'. Like she is someone who has to be appeased and suffered.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 14/09/2023 23:03

category12 · 14/09/2023 22:51

It all depends on the larger picture of your relationship, doesn't it? How do you feel about it?

It's no good loads of people telling you it's benign and complimentary if it doesn't feel that way to you. You know what your relationship is like and if you feel valued as yourself, for yourself, or if you think there's something else going on.

Trust your own feelings.

Something else going on like what?

category12 · 14/09/2023 23:11

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 14/09/2023 23:03

Something else going on like what?

Show quote history

Like an undercurrent.