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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't understand men anymore.

57 replies

Whsthappensnow · 14/09/2023 17:22

I separated from my husband 2 years ago.

It was an abusive relationship for most of the 15 years we were together.

When we first separated a lot of my friends encouraged me to try online dating very shortly afterwards. It was too soon and it didn't do me any favors.

Since then I did try reconciliation with my ex but it didn't work out.

I've been wary of men ever since.

However, I ended it with my ex for good, came off all the websites and decided to work on myself. I got a new career and started to get my self worth back a bit and now imagine feeling like I'm not actively looking for a relationship but would be open to it if I happened to meet someone in real life who I could potentially get to know a bit better.

Within the past few months it met 3 different men who I've liked and who I'd definitely want to spend time with under social circumstances. They all made a point of telling me they were single, they all seemed nice and engaging and complimentary and possibly even flirty but I'm not sure if I'm reading signals wrong. Anyway, none of them actually asked me out, contacted me on social media or gave me any other signals. Were they expecting me to? Is that a thing now? I'm not comfortable with being forward like that.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 14/09/2023 17:26

I think the same process still exists as 15 years ago, you just have to be a little bit more encouraging.

But I'm single and have never understood them so hopefully someone more competent will add some wisdom.

Watchkeys · 14/09/2023 17:34

You don't have to 'understand men'. They're not a code you need to break. If you meet someone you feel comfortable with, someone you feel communicates in a way you 'get', then that's a compatible partner or friend. Anyone else isn't. There isn't a generic 'understanding' you can have of generic 'men'.

We 'get' the people we 'get'. We're all different.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 14/09/2023 17:37

Where did you meet them? Perhaps you need to return to wherever it was more often so you can see them again.

There was once someone I'd liked for ages, and it eventually transpired that he'd had no clue at all, and he actually told me he didn't pick up on subtle hints, they passed him by completely.

Original poster

Whsthappensnow · 14/09/2023 17:46

@MintJulia that could be the problem but I don't have the energy to have to lay it on thick anymore.

I found myself on a long journey with one of these men recently when he spent most of the time telling me about the difficulties of being a single dad and how much he helps his exs. And in my mind I was giving him plenty of encouragement, told him I'm single too and he knows we have a lot in common and I only live round the corner from him. He was very kind and considerate to me when I last saw him and I do find him attractive but I don't want to make a fool of myself if he was just being nice.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 14/09/2023 17:54

Many are just looking for attention, free therapist to unload, replacement skivvy, replacement child minder, sex.

The one you've been talking to sounds like the free therapist type.

Catsafterme · 14/09/2023 17:55

I am fairly introverted so it may just be because of that but I have no idea whether a woman likes me or not and never have. I have never approached a woman in person to seek dating or a relationship...and quite honestly I wouldn't likely get it if they were dropping hints unless they were blatant either.

Original poster

Whsthappensnow · 14/09/2023 17:58

So each one of these men was under different circumstances.

One of them was a work colleague when I was on a temp contract which has now ended. The other two were also people I'd met in a work capacity. One a financial advisor and the other one again Was doing a job for me. That one is the latter and most recent. He's the business owner and knows me vaguely and said he wanted to do the job himself because he didn't trust any of his staff to do it.

But yes requiring the services again or just bumping into them somewhere is probably a better approach in these circumstances than stalking them on social media. All of them are slightly older than me so that's another complication that even though they'd be the same age as my ex I don't know if single blokes of that age prefer OLD or meeting people in real life.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 14/09/2023 18:04

If you want a man who takes the lead and asks you out, and none of them have taken the lead and asked you out, then they're not the right kind of man for you.

It's not rocket science, and it's not something you 'don't understand'. They didn't approach you because they didn't want to.

Catsafterme · 14/09/2023 18:06

I mean, to be fair even for me the way I am if I was, say with you in a car like you said you were and you specifically mentioned you were also single. I think even I would make some form of move, that to me is fairly blatant, no?

Original poster

Whsthappensnow · 14/09/2023 18:09

@Catsafterme So if you met someone you liked in any circle and thought not necessarily that you wanted a relationship but that you might like to spend some more time with them under different circumstances would you just hope they feel the same and wait for them to approach you?

OP posts:

FloydPepper · 14/09/2023 18:12

Whsthappensnow · 14/09/2023 18:09

Isn’t that what you’re doing?

look, we’re just people. Some of us like to be asked out rather than ask. If you want to go out, ask.

Original poster

Whsthappensnow · 14/09/2023 18:15

@Catsafterme my children were in the car too. But they were asleep and it was a long journey so we had a lot of time to talk. He knew I was a single mum before he took the job.

Because I find the guy quite attractive and he was kind I've been thinking about it ever since but I've not seen him out and about or heard from him and I was wondering if I should contact him and what I'd say if I did.

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 14/09/2023 18:16

@Whsthappensnow It depends, I'm not overly social and find gatherings more difficult to open up and often fall silent. However, small groups or one on one I can talk for days.

So, I could be around someone I really found attractive but I would need a pretty strong indication that they were remotely interested before doing anything. I would find that easier to figure out if I got to speak with them without the noise of others but I wouldn't necessarily wait for them to move on me.

I have made the move on all my relationships so far, I just find it difficult sometimes understanding if that person likes me in the first place as I don't want to make things awkward if not. A comment on being single for example would be a window and I would think, why would they say that if they didn't want me to know...

5128gap · 14/09/2023 18:17

Don't bother trying to 'understand men'. They're all different. Try instead to understand you, and what you want rather than trying to second guess what they might want from you and act accordingly.
If you want to see a man then asking him directly is the most efficient way to achieve that. However it does put you at risk of the not that fussed but might as well if she's keen opportunists.
If you're not comfortable with that, then you can obviously wait for them to ask you. Most who are interested will, as its a bit of a fallacy that they're shy/nervous/into equalities and waiting for you to make a move. Some are, but most will ask if they're interested enough. Times may be changing, but they've still grown up with certain stereotypical expectations around dating and the traditional behaviours are still there for most.

Watchkeys · 14/09/2023 18:17

I was wondering if I should contact him

'Should' according to what authority? If you 'should' contact him, who would be the person saying you should? Who's in charge of what you should and shouldn't do?

BarelyLiterate · 14/09/2023 18:19

Establishing relationships with women offline is a complete minefield for men these days, particularly if there is any workplace connection. They know that one single word out of place or gesture which could be misinterpreted and they are leaving themselves open to potential allegations of sexual harassment.
In that situation it’s unrealistic to expect men to risk their livelihoods & reputations by making the first move, so women who are actually looking for relationships with men they know via work need to be prepared to take the initiative or meet them half way, at the very least.

How hard is it really to ask ‘how about a coffee next week?’

Catsafterme · 14/09/2023 18:20

@Whsthappensnow Well, that all depends on you. As @Watchkeys said, if you want a man to approach and lead then don't. If you don't care about that then there's no harm, he can only say no.

I wouldn't care if a woman suggested it to me but I know some that wouldn't want to be the lead.

Original poster

Whsthappensnow · 14/09/2023 18:23

@Watchkeys fear or rejection and misreading signals and appearing too direct is what's holding me back.

And also I'm constantly thinking if these men liked me surely they could have made a move.

That's my point. I just liked these people and that's progress for me but its knowing what to do next.

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 14/09/2023 18:26

Bear in mind men also worry about rejection, I would say that might be amplified these days as well.

The upfront cocky ones don't because, from my experience, they don't actually give two shits and do it to anyone they can find.

Grendell · 14/09/2023 18:27

I would just assume these men were not interested in me - and then wouldn't give it another thought.

CherryCokeFanatic · 14/09/2023 18:28

All through work settings then. They may very well not ask or try to escalate things even if they may seem interested otherwise, because it can mean suddenly being asked for a meeting by HR and potential disciplinary action including losing their job.

If you’re interested in any of them still. Message them!

FinallyHere · 14/09/2023 18:34

don't have the energy to have to lay it on thick anymore.

Agree with PP, with the right person you really don't have to 'lay it on thick'. A simple 'how would you feel about meeting up for a coffee sometime' would get you started.

Encountering three men you find attractive in real life sounds like a win to me.

How did you meet is one of the questions I always ask people once I have got to know them a big. Invariably, the answer is that the woman showed some interest to which he was delighted to respond.

Watchkeys · 14/09/2023 18:38

If you're this worried about fear of rejection, you're not really ready for a relationship. You have to bear in mind that even when the first hurdle of setting up a date is over, you have to, as a pair, set about arranging another one, and rejection is still equally possible then, and at all stages in the future.

It might be a good idea to think about why it would matter to you so much if one or all of these men didn't want to connect with you romantically. You don't know them. Why does their opinion of you matter to you so much?

BarelyLiterate · 14/09/2023 18:38

fear or rejection and misreading signals and appearing too direct is what's holding me back.

And exactly the same is true for men. Obviously.

Men are people, too, and they are not mind readers.

5128gap · 14/09/2023 18:48

BarelyLiterate · 14/09/2023 18:19

How hard is it really to ask ‘how about a coffee next week?’

I see absolutely no evidence of this at all. The harassers are still harassing and the decent men who make appropriate approaches have no fear of being misconstrued. Any man who believes this needs to reflect on his approach. As you say, 'how about a coffee next week?' isn't hard to say, and almost impossible to claim to be sexual harassment.

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