I don't understand men anymore.

[Whsthappensnow]

I separated from my husband 2 years ago.

It was an abusive relationship for most of the 15 years we were together.

When we first separated a lot of my friends encouraged me to try online dating very shortly afterwards. It was too soon and it didn't do me any favors.

Since then I did try reconciliation with my ex but it didn't work out.

I've been wary of men ever since.

However, I ended it with my ex for good, came off all the websites and decided to work on myself. I got a new career and started to get my self worth back a bit and now imagine feeling like I'm not actively looking for a relationship but would be open to it if I happened to meet someone in real life who I could potentially get to know a bit better.

Within the past few months it met 3 different men who I've liked and who I'd definitely want to spend time with under social circumstances. They all made a point of telling me they were single, they all seemed nice and engaging and complimentary and possibly even flirty but I'm not sure if I'm reading signals wrong. Anyway, none of them actually asked me out, contacted me on social media or gave me any other signals. Were they expecting me to? Is that a thing now? I'm not comfortable with being forward like that.

@Watchkeys because my ex just cast me aside when he'd had enough and when I couldn't meet his needs anymore.

I then had more rejection when I tried OLD and had a lot of rejection in my professional life too.

So to be treated well and receive compliments from 3 reasonably good looking men within a short-ish space of time actually came as a bit of a shock and it's made me question things going forward.

So there would have been severe problems with HR involvement with the first 2 but not the last although there is a cultural difference there.

And just for info I'm 45 and the men in question are all closer to 50 than I am.

That's no age gap OP - 45 and close to 50 is completely normal.

If I was a guy meeting a woman in a work setting I think I'd be cautious about asking her out, even if I liked her, because there is always the risk of a) rejection and then awkwardness in future or b) getting a complaint made against me for sexual harassment. The times they have a-changed when it comes to meeting people at work and getting involved with them. A guy I used to work with had a phrase 'Don't screw the crew', which I thought was on point!

Have times changed that much I wonder...if a man likes you and wants to get to know you better he'll just ask you out surely? He might be a nice guy but just not that into you in a relationship way.

Try not let past experiences define who you are, your ex sounds like an arsehole just like mine and OLD is from what I understand a minefield.

Regardless at the end of the day those people mean nothing, it didn't work out or are in the past for a reason but you decide what you get from life.

That's also my issue, confidence and I understand from what I'm going through I need to change. I'll have to stop worry about what ifs and be more assertive in life otherwise get nowhere.

All you need to decide is whether you are ready in general and if you want to pursue him or not. If you are and do, go for it and see what happens can only say no and not like in each other's lives. If not then move on and someone else will eventually come.

Establishing relationships with women offline is a complete minefield for men these days, particularly if there is any workplace connection

The harassers are still harassing and the decent men who make appropriate approaches have no fear of being misconstrued

I met my husband at work, but I had hit him over the head with a proverbial frying pan before he appeared to notice me.

He had noticed me but didn’t think taking any further was appropriate because he was older than me (still is).

Then you get people like Matthew Hussey on YouTube saying it's your fault for scaring them off, not using "high level banter" and telling you how to attract the man of your dreams.

@Catsafterme Well that's easier said than done. OLD did a lot of damage actually. I wish I hadn't bothered. Even if I don't decide I'm ready for someone and I'm happy to make the first move I wouldn't be trying that again.

@Zenana couldn't agree more. My ex went to the Andrew Tait school too. I had the lines about learning everything you need to know about sex from porn.

I did meet my ex at work too so I wouldn't rule it out. The 2nd bloke I referred to had previous with HR. Some colleagues had warned me he was difficult to work with because he doesn't like women. I found him quite the opposite and didn't see any red flags so that's another reason I think I can't understand men.

I always tell my friends they should put themselves out there if they are interested in a man, but I must admit that although I dish out that advise I’m not sure I’d be able to follow it if I was to be single! So I can understand it’s easier said than done.

I would be wary with people you work with in any capacity though, it could make things uncomfortable x

@Mrsttcno1 Well I've certainly dished out that advice to other people and tried it before but now I was hoping there was some middle ground.

So it's been quite tricky being honest about my situation, trying to appear interested and yet not spending too much time slagging off exes. Trying to find middle ground. Thinking that I'm being open when perhaps I'm not.

Didn't realise I literally had to spell it out. Won't be pursuing either of the first 2 again but if I happen to bump into no 3 again I might mention coffee.

What your ex did has nothing to do with why the opinion of these men matters to you. What you're essentially saying there is that because rejection hurt you so much before, you're scared it will hurt you so much again. I get that, but what I'm asking is why. Why will it hurt so much? What is there to be scared of? What will happen to you if you ask them all out, and they all say no? What will that feel like?

@Watchkeys it will make me feel like I've been kicked to the kerb again.

I spiralled into a very deep depression after the rejection I got on OLD too. I felt worthless and insignificant. When I got a job, changed my hair and my clothes and started getting compliments from men again I came out of my shell a bit.

I even took my children abroad on holiday on my own this year and I wouldn't have had the confidence to do that previously. Imagine scared of going backwards when I've made do much progress.

I felt worthless and insignificant

What would make you feel like you have worth and significance, to yourself? Rather than in the eyes of these men?

It was nice to be noticed for once. It had been a long time since I had got any attention or compliments. Call me vain or shallow but I doubted it at first and the more it was happening the more real it felt and I was enjoying it.

I guess I needed validation. When I separated from my husband I also moved back to the UK and to a new area where I didn't know anyone at all. I had massive challenges to overcome.

Yes, but what do you feel makes you have worth and be significant? What's special about you, in your eyes?

@Watchkeys I'm not sure what you are getting at or how to even begin to answer that. You are overcomplicating things and not being at all helpful.

You'll go far.

I would not ask them out. I don’t think men’s opinion of women have changed so much since ‘the old days’. You could hurt their pride as they still like to feel in control. On the whole they may feel flattered but would probably think you were being too assertive. They may be choosing their moment so why not hang on? Many people don’t do social media, in a way that’s a good thing. In my experience men who are on social media a lot are looking to hook up with women. Just turn up the signals a bit and broach the subject rather than asking them out straight.

@Whsthappensnow - I think what @Watchkeys may be getting at, and if I’m right I had the same thought, is that if you value and appreciate yourself, it becomes easier to take rejection in your stride. Your confidence has been somewhat boosted by 3 attractive men behaving in a friendly/possibly interested manner, but at the same time you’re confused that it hasn’t gone further. But you don’t want to take the risk of asking them out and being rejected in case you spiral into a deep depression. But in suggesting you would spiral into a deep depression if they don’t accept your offer of a date, you’re giving them an awful lot of power (too much power) over how you see yourself. If you learn to give yourself internal valuation, then you will be able to do things like ask someone out without having an existential crisis if they say no. You will probably have more fun that way too. Be your own cheerleader. Don’t give all your power to the men around you.

@MistyBay those were my thoughts I was just putting it out there to see what the general consensus of opinion was.

@Dery yes a much better way of articulating it all for sure. Internal valuation and re assessing balance of power in relationships definitely still much room for improvement.

Love it... spot on...

If you can’t answer that question or can’t comprehend it, you should stay well away from men for now.

The fact that you prefer someone telling you about yourself than questioning yourself says a lot too.

Sorry to be unhelpful, but I wouldn't date if you have such low self esteem that you can't bear a man saying no to your advances.

Why are you so resistant to questioning yourself and the triggers behind your feelings? How would you ever expect to be happy? Work on your emotional intelligence and you might not find simple stuff so taxing.

@RantyAnty I have been at least one or a combination of all of those things in every relationship I've ever had. One thing I do know is that I don't want to do that anymore. But I haven't actually thought about what it is I actually want.

@Watchkeys is that not overthinking things? Can we not just meet someone nice and hope things evolve naturally.

Perhaps im not ready and what I want isn't going to happen anyway.

is that not overthinking things? Can we not just meet someone nice and hope things evolve naturally

If you could, you wouldn't be posting here.

Your impression that 'you don't understand men' shows that when you don't get what you want, you look to yourself to find fault, rather than reassuring yourself, buoying your own confidence, showing resilience, and other healthy traits that would make you feel better than finding fault in yourself.

'Could someone pass me the instructions on men, please?' is a refusal to take responsibility for yourself. You are looking for a man to understand you, to do things in a way you like and respect, and to respect you equally (hopefully) and you haven't found him yet. Why do you thing that's to do with the fact that you don't understand men? Why is it not to do with the fact that you haven't happened to be in the right place at the right time, yet, although the perfect man is out there for you?