I don't understand men anymore.

[Whsthappensnow]

I separated from my husband 2 years ago.

It was an abusive relationship for most of the 15 years we were together.

When we first separated a lot of my friends encouraged me to try online dating very shortly afterwards. It was too soon and it didn't do me any favors.

Since then I did try reconciliation with my ex but it didn't work out.

I've been wary of men ever since.

However, I ended it with my ex for good, came off all the websites and decided to work on myself. I got a new career and started to get my self worth back a bit and now imagine feeling like I'm not actively looking for a relationship but would be open to it if I happened to meet someone in real life who I could potentially get to know a bit better.

Within the past few months it met 3 different men who I've liked and who I'd definitely want to spend time with under social circumstances. They all made a point of telling me they were single, they all seemed nice and engaging and complimentary and possibly even flirty but I'm not sure if I'm reading signals wrong. Anyway, none of them actually asked me out, contacted me on social media or gave me any other signals. Were they expecting me to? Is that a thing now? I'm not comfortable with being forward like that.

Perhaps im not ready and what I want isn't going to happen anyway

It's up to you. Take responsibility. If you want a certain sort of... I dunno... flower, you go to the florist. If they don't have it, you go to another florist. If it turns out to be out of season, you order from abroad (if you want it badly enough), or you wait for the right time. You don't decide that because you tried 3 florists, and one of them was rude to you, that 'you don't understand flowers'.

So now you want a certain kind of man, but you haven't found him yet. Why is that about your lack of understanding?

In my experience it's never been quite right when I have pursued a man or been blatant in my interest. I think men generally are well attuned to their own needs (something we could learn from them!) and will aways act in self interest. If they are interested romantically you will definitely know. If they are too nervous to ask and too unimaginative to engineer something it wouldn't work anyway. My feeling is that sexual interest is the over-riding driver for men. If they really fancy you they will take their chances and try to win you over. If they 'like you a lot' they may respond to your advances but it won't work out properly. You may just be meeting men who "like you a lot" but who are not feeling it fully -- or simply rather inadequate men who really arent worth your time. I have found it simplifying not to spend time second guessing, but to just get on with life and let them make the first move if they are going to, and to limit time with them if it seems they are just friend types (you don't want to devote too much time to men who aren't going to advance things, though no reason not to be friends.)

Were they all definitely single? And some people don't like dating colleagues.

@Watchkeys I think I probably phrased the title of this thread incorrectly. What I'm essentially getting at is that because of my self doubt I'd like to be able to read signals better. I was wondering how and if things had changed since I was last single and wanted some insight from others in a similar position.

@Captainfairylights I get what you mean. Sometimes I feel I could make a move but it would be completely out of character. It would be easier to stay single than to get rejected and make a fool of myself but actually I'm not sure I'm ready. I just saw bloke no 2 outside the pub. I hadn't seen him for ages. My instinct wasn't to go and say hi but to walk past and pretend I hadn't seen him!

@Cupcakekiller The only proof I had that any of them were single was that they'd told me themselves. I had no evidence to back it up. I do know 2 of them are twice divorced which is not ideal but most people our age have baggage don't they?

If you're trying to 'read signals', you're not doing things in a healthy way. The whole idea of a healthy relationship is that you understand each other. Do you honestly feel like you have to know how to 'read the signals' of your best friend, or most respected family member? It only comes down to reading signals when things aren't clear, and if things aren't clear, retreat. Don't look to yourself for 'not knowing enough'.

You sound intent on making it hard for yourself, though.

@Watchkeys This is the problem though. None of my past relationships were healthy. All of them would be considered problematic these days. I'd like to have a normal one.

And yes I find myself trying to 'read' some people. Not everyone but another example is I find it difficult to separate friends from acquaintances in some circles.

I wouldn't say I'm making things hard for myself. I don't choose to be like this.

There is no need to distinguish friends from acquaintances. This again, is an example of feeling you're having difficulty doing that doesn't need to be done. It's like feeling that you struggle with telling apart King Edward potatoes from Maris Pipers when you're out for a Sunday roast. It's a descriptor, not a definer. You might do x activity with someone and feel like friends, then you might pass in the street and speak like acquaintances. Some relationships are on the borderline, and if you can't tell, it's because it isn't clear.

If you can't tell a man is interested in you, you either ask him, or forget about a romantic relationship with him until he makes his feelings clear. Or you tell him you're interested, but you've said you don't want to do that and that's fine. There is no 'deducing', unless you want a relationship where you have to spend time deducing your partner who doesn't make things clear to you. There is no 'fathoming' unless you want a partner you have to fathom. It's pure logic.