Sexually frustrated in marriage

[Tiredbehyondbelief]

Hi there, I would really appreciate other’s perspective. I have little experience in these matters as I married young. I have been married for over 20 years. I have never had an orgasm, however sex was for most part mutually satisfying. Once I hit the menopause, I found myself dry down below and sex stopped being enjoyable. I was worried it might create problems in my marriage so I went to see a lady therapist. She suggested lubricant gel. My husband and I tried it once, it made a massive difference. Problem solved, or so I thought. It has been 7.5 years now and my husband still doesn’t get the gel out in a timely fashion despite lots and lots of conversations on this topic. By the time I remind him, what’s left of my desire is gone. I tried saying nothing at all. Then the gel simply doesn’t appear. About 6 weeks ago I told him I am not prepared to have sex with him anymore, ever. The children still have a few years of schooling left so I can’t leave right now. My morals don’t allow me see satisfaction on the side whilst married. I miss the cuddles. So I am in a bit of a pickle. A close friend mentioned that my husband could be behaving like this because he forgets in his excitement. Well, the last time (we had a brief conversation) he said he didn’t fancy sex, he thought I fancied it (I didn’t, I stopped enjoying sex many years ago for the reasons described above). I think I could find a way to move forward it I thought there was a valid reason for my husband’s behaviour. At the moment, I think he is either 1. Lazy 2. Selfish 3. Thick 4. Any combination of the above. Apart from this matter, he is a good dad and a decent husband. As I have mentioned, I don’t have much experience in these matters, other’s opinion would be much appreciated.

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If you've found this page in your search of orgasm gels and orgasm lubes that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best orgasm gels useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

I'm probably being thick but why don't you have the gel and apply it?

Why don't you get the lube out yourself? Are you saying he's trying to put it in without lube despite knowing you need it? If so that's unacceptable and I'm not surprised it put you off. Do you discuss sex openly as a couple?

This was going to be my comment too

Thank you for your replies. I am open to all ideas and suggestions. My husband wouldn't hurt me on purpose.

We use lube and I also go for a wee first, both advised by the doctor as I started getting cystitis related to the post menopause vaginal dryness. Not had cystitis since following this regime! We have a routine, he puts the lube on while I go for a wee. If he wasn't putting the lube on I'd ask him to, or do it myself.

Can you explain more about what's happening and where the issue is? How openly do you communicate about sex with each other?

Get a prescription for Vagifem from your GP - that will help with vaginal dryness.

But regards lubricant, you will probably still need it so have it by your side and apply it yourself.

I am only commenting on the practical side if that is what you want to address but what you both really need is to start talking openly about this - open communication is the only way forward for your relationship as a whole, and being able to have sex again, if that is what you want, might help with that.

I can't even remember when I last enjoyed having sex it was probably 10 years ago. (I went to see the lady therapist some years after I realised I was avoiding it). I reached the stage i want to avoid it altogether. But I like cuddles and one thing leads to another. I find if I put the gel on myself my desire is completely gone and I am verytense. I don't know why. And my husband can never remember. I explained my predicament to my husband many times. I honestly don't understand why he can't remember.

I think you need to start masturbating and exploring alone what you like and want
I use natural oil more than lube as it’s not chemical

as also sounds like there Isn’t much foreplay before you do it ?

id def slow down and explore alone and have your own orgasms

there is a goop sex programme on Netflix
worth a watch

Re. the lack of orgasm - do you never masturbate? If not, it's well worth a try. As well as giving yourself an orgasm, it could help you get more experienced and less tense about these things, so applying the lube yourself could become part of the action instead of an unsexy interruption to it. It sounds, reading between the lines, like you've had a fairly passive, accepting role in sex, having married young and been content (up to a point) to see him as the lead in it, but as well as having its downsides, being middle-aged/menopausal can also be empowering for a woman to say sod that and step up to get what you need. Use the frustration to leverage the changes you need to finally get some sexual satisfaction.

If neither of you enjoy sex what's the problem? Just don't have any.

Why was it his job to use the gel anyway, why couldn't you do it?

Thank you for all suggestions. My husband does enjoy sex

Well if you don’t like putting it on and he doesn’t remember, can you use it together? Have it nearby eg in a bedside drawer or out on the table if you know sex is in the cards and both use it?

Do you maybe want to feel like your husband is considering your needs and caring for you by taking responsibility for the gel?

I do think interrupting sex for anything make the excitement roll back for a bit, including applying gel. This sex and menopause thing isn't easy.

How long do the effects of the gel last? Could you apply it yourself in the bathroom in advance? Then it’s not in the middle of foreplay?

This is all very odd- just put the gel on yourself. But - you sound like you need internal oestrogen cream (Ovestin) from the GP. You use it twice a week or more and it will plump up the skin and provide lubrication so you might not even need the gel. Not sure how old you are but you may also need full HRT as well if you are 40s onwards as oestrogen starts to decline from early 40s and if you are having vaginal dryness this is a tell tale sign of the start of this.

I am 42 and I have completely gone off sex with the menopause and other issues I’ve got going on at the moment and the thought of using a gel etc just completely turns me off even more so I would say if you both have the desire there to give it a go you should.

Hi everyone thank you for your replies. The gel is already in the bedside cabinet. The bottom of the story is probably I believe I could have an orgasm if my husband was more considerate of my needs (I used to have orgasms in my dreams, always with other men - men I never met in real life). Yes he did say once "giving you pleasure takes away from my pleasure". The last episode was when he thought I wanted it (I didn't, just put a nice night dress on). No gel came out until I mentioned it and then I couldn't get in the mood at all. I am completely off sex now. I can't masturbate unless I maybe imagine another man? I really do feel my husband killed my sex drive with selfishness. AIBU?

My thoughts exactly...

And you've never had an orgasm OP?
Why is that

Wow, he sounds utterly selfish with that comment about giving you pleasure. The whole point of sex is for it to be enjoyable and to enjoy each other!

If that's his attitude then I understand why you wouldn't want to have sex with him. He's all about his pleasure.

There are moisturisers you can use that should last for three days, so you don't have to worry about them in the moment. But that doesn't solve the underlying problem that your husband is focusing on his pleasure at the expense of yours.

giving you pleasure takes away from my pleasure

He actually said this?
You need to leave

giving you pleasure takes away from my pleasure

Don't have sex with this man. He’s a selfish ass.

giving you pleasure takes away from my pleasure

Wow. Don't just stop having sex with him, divorce the prick!

You need to start wanking asap OP

im horrified you have never had an orgasm and strongly beleive once you have had one you will feel so good

it’s strange and selfish that your husband doesn’t like seeing you aroused
is this a religious or cultural thing

and fantasies when you wank arnt cheating

So much to unpack here.

Personally my doors slammed shut at "giving you pleasure takes away my pleasure". So he thinks he has a right to take his pleasure on you, but you have no right to pleasure? What is this, 1899?

If you want to stay married and have a sex life I'd say find a new therapist but

• fantasies about other men, sex acts you would never consider in real life etc etc are little mental holidays - ways of escaping from the humdrum. They are absolutely fine and if they work for you they work for you
• in what way did you find sex with your husband satisfied you before, and what has changed?
• have you explored why you can't apply lube to yourself? do you masturbate at all? is there a taboo or just lack of interest (fwiw I lost all interest post menopause)
• agree a million times with ovestin cream for menopausal dryness - you can buy it over the counter now I believe as Gina or some such thing. Great even if you are not sexually active.

But I'd be moving to my own bedroom rather than continuing to service him.