Sexually frustrated in marriage

[Tiredbehyondbelief]

Hi there, I would really appreciate other’s perspective. I have little experience in these matters as I married young. I have been married for over 20 years. I have never had an orgasm, however sex was for most part mutually satisfying. Once I hit the menopause, I found myself dry down below and sex stopped being enjoyable. I was worried it might create problems in my marriage so I went to see a lady therapist. She suggested lubricant gel. My husband and I tried it once, it made a massive difference. Problem solved, or so I thought. It has been 7.5 years now and my husband still doesn’t get the gel out in a timely fashion despite lots and lots of conversations on this topic. By the time I remind him, what’s left of my desire is gone. I tried saying nothing at all. Then the gel simply doesn’t appear. About 6 weeks ago I told him I am not prepared to have sex with him anymore, ever. The children still have a few years of schooling left so I can’t leave right now. My morals don’t allow me see satisfaction on the side whilst married. I miss the cuddles. So I am in a bit of a pickle. A close friend mentioned that my husband could be behaving like this because he forgets in his excitement. Well, the last time (we had a brief conversation) he said he didn’t fancy sex, he thought I fancied it (I didn’t, I stopped enjoying sex many years ago for the reasons described above). I think I could find a way to move forward it I thought there was a valid reason for my husband’s behaviour. At the moment, I think he is either 1. Lazy 2. Selfish 3. Thick 4. Any combination of the above. Apart from this matter, he is a good dad and a decent husband. As I have mentioned, I don’t have much experience in these matters, other’s opinion would be much appreciated.

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Thank you everyone for your replies. I believe I never had an orgasm because of childhood trauma. Maybe I should start wanking while thinking about another man. Regardless of my marriage vows. I really do feel trapped. And I can't leave the marriage until the kids are out of school. That's a few years away. Thank you everyone for your contributions, it's really helping me to work out what to do next.

I can't masturbate unless I maybe imagine another man?

Why wouldn't you?? I think all kinds of filthy stuff when I masturbate, almost everyone does I'd imagine. Again, you seem to have cast yourself in a passive, secondary role sex-wise. Guys don't have to 'give' you an orgasm. I mean, they should definitely put the time and effort in and not be selfish like your DH is, but you can also give yourself an orgasm both on your own and during sex, whether with your fingers or I sometimes just get him to lie in a good position (usually me on top) and I get one by fantasising my filthy stuff and moving on him until it happens. You could say that's all for my own pleasure but that's okay, he gets off on me enjoying it. Orgasms can be selfish things but it works if you're both unselfish about giving each other the time and help to get there.

So first of all get the GP/HRT side of things seen to, so that the physical situation is optimised, but also start reading around/watching/learning more about finding your own pleasures from sex. It sounds like, despite what seemed like a barrage of sex info in the magazine and TV when we grew up, you've kept quite blinkered and still got a lot of (exciting!) things to discover.

And definitely work on resetting your status, in your own head most of all. Your fantasises are your own and your DH has no greater right to pleasure than you.

Bless you - just saw your reply and so sorry about your childhood trauma and its ongoing effects. It's great that you're ready to deal with that and be kind to yourself. Get some time in the house on your own and do what you need to do. No pressure. Relax and see what (ahem) comes.

Do you want to stay with your husband? He doesn't sound great, not surprised you don't orgasm with him.

I am not scared of being on my own. However life in general is not bad - own property, common friends. I would hate to upset the children. If I leave what do I leave for- great sex? Is it really worth chucking away 20 plus years of marriage and go looking for that in my age? I do like cuddles though. And then I get so tense about sex. When my DH can't remember (or can't be bothered) to get the gel out it's just so frustrating. Maybe I should try and find a sex therapist. Thank you everyone who has contributed so far, it's helping me put things in perspective

Op you're saying your husband forgets the gel, while also saying he has told you that your pleasure takes away from his. He doesn't get it out because he's not interested in your enjoyment. He never will be. I'm not surprised you have no interest in someone like that.

How does he show he cares about you outside of sex?

Yes he did say once "giving you pleasure takes away from my pleasure"

Can you give any more detail/context on the circumstances in which he said this to you OP? Just trying to understand why on earth he thought that was ok

You can’t have good sex with someone who has so little regard for your pleasure. That one remark of his and the persistent refusal to use lube to help you would be a deal breaker for me - at the very least stop having sex with him!
It might help to talk to a therapist about the trauma that is still affecting you and your inbuilt beliefs about your right to experience sexual pleasure.

Because of my recent diagnosis of Lichen Sclerosis I have become aware of 2 things. Lots of women favour coconut oil as a lube. A GP can prescribe YES vaginal moisturiser.

Hi everyone who has contributed. My childhood trauma only affects me to the degree I find it difficult to let go. In relation to my husband caring he does buy occasional flowers and contributes around the house. He doesn't complain if I want to make improvements around the house and does the work even though the house is fine in his opinion. The incident in question took place 3 years ago when things were still reasonably good. We had sex (without the lubricant). I said afterwards in a very non accusatory voice, " I would have enjoyed it so much more if you used the gel". He replied "Giving you pleasure takes away from my pleasure ". We stopped having sex for 8 months afterwards - I started coming up with endless excuses. When we had a frank discussion (after 8 months) he flatly denied ever saying this. Sex hasn't been that good after that anyway. I wish I could just stop altogether. But I like hugs. I work in mostly female company and have many female friends. I always hug people when they are sad or stressed out(with their consent of course). I don't care about sex anymore. I just don't know how I am going to last without cuddles for the next few years until my youngest is out of school. I can't leave right now. The children are under the impression we have a happy home as there is no shouting etc. I am trying somehow move forward but in order to do so I need to understand. Is my husband 1. Lazy 2. Stupid 3. Thick 4. Any combination of the above. Then I will adjust myself appropriately. I married young and I have no experience in this matters which is why I am asking on Mumsnet. Thank you everyone who is taking an interest in my thread

I wonder if he was saying using the gel means less sensation for him, kind of like the effect condoms have on men? Even if that's the case it doesn't demonstrate any care for you or your pleasure really does it so I would add 5. Selfish to your list of options and assume that's the reason tbh.

And that means two things, firstly that this situation is not your fault and you should stop feeling bad and stop taking responsibility for the decline in sex, and secondly that this is not within your power to fix, he would basically need to stop being a selfish lover in order for things to improve.

How likely that is I don't know because he would need to accept that he is the problem and be willing to make the effort to change. Would he consider seeing a sex therapist do you think?

Thank you for your reply. I am not sure my husband would see a sex therapist, he is a private person. We haven't had sex for 6 weeks now, at some point we'll have to talk. Which is the reason I am trying to work things out in my head. My list was meant to read 1. Lazy 2. Selfish 3. Thick 4. Any combination of the above.

I'm trying not to ask intrusive questions OP but am getting the impression sex with your DH is maybe a bit mechanical? Not much 'foreplay'? I put foreplay in inverted commas because, for most women, it's equally (if not more!) important as penetrative sex so not the optional extra the word implies. If he's spending no time/effort on anything other than penetration it's not surprising your interest has waned, what's in it for you?!

As for him being a private person, aren't we all? Very few people want to talk about their sex life with a therapist but sometimes we have to do uncomfortable stuff if we want things to improve. So if he wants a better sex life/to save his marriage maybe he needs to make the effort? I think your impending conversation with him needs to focus much more on the fact that your needs are not being met and what he is prepared (or not) to do about that.

The incident in question took place 3 years ago when things were still reasonably good. We had sex (without the lubricant). I said afterwards in a very non accusatory voice, " I would have enjoyed it so much more if you used the gel". He replied "Giving you pleasure takes away from my pleasure "

So he prefers when you're dry or less lubricated.....he's not forgetting to use the lube, he just doesn't want to.
I'm not surprised that you've been turned off sex with him, he'd be turned off having sex with you too if you only wanted it when it was painful or uncomfortable for him.
He's disgusting.

To: HerAvatar - you are not being intrusive. I honestly reached the stage where I don't think mt husband is going to change his way for one reason or another. Maybe it's his ego. Maybe he is not getting that things change for women as they go through the menopause (despite me explaining on at least 3 occasions). Maybe he can't be bothered. One thing is certain- he is not going anywhere me any time soon. Thank you for your support

Gosh, well I don't want to open a whole other can of worms but your latest posts read just like those of women who give up on men in middle-aged and find a new world of sexual satisfaction and intimacy with another woman. Not saying this is the path for you, and clearly you're putting your family first above your own needs, but it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen longer term.

For now, it's good that you've raised this and the sex therapist sounds like an excellent way to dig into the deeper issues going on start uncovering those feelings you've had to selflessly sideline.

But in answer to your multiple choice, it's definitely 4. any combo of them all!

OP, lt's horrific that he made that comment about your pleasure taking away from his! You really need to take control of your own pleasure here, with or without his participation.
As pps have advised see your GP and get some Vagifem or Ovestin to help with the menopausal vaginal dryness, and if you want to use additional lube then apply it yourself. Re orgasm get yourself a vibrator and learn what it's all about in private, without having to consider your husbands needs. Then if you feel like getting him involved as well you can do, it's up to you!

So he thinks he has a right to take his pleasure on you, but you have no right to pleasure? What is this, 1899?

From various sources is say more men were interested in female orgasms and aware of the Clitoris etc in 1899 than in ops household.

It's about his personality, he's a selfish, no effort bastard.

And he's the type who's not turned on by or I tested in women feeling pleasure and climaxing. Really shitty lover and partner material.

giving you pleasure takes away from my pleasure

Jesus, OP. That isn't normal. That's actually an awful thing to say.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I believe I never had an orgasm because of childhood trauma. Maybe I should start wanking while thinking about another man.

Maybe counselling would help.

I'd get a vibrator, a bullet or something and try it.

Maybe watch some female friendly porn and or read some erotic literature.

What a useless, selfish B your h is.

Op, a decent man would be ensuring that you are sexually satisfied and prioritising your pleasure. Your dh sounds crap in bed and despite you pointing that out, he hasn't made any efforts. I'd therefore conclude he's selfish and only interested in his own pleasure.

Either leave (and find someone worth shagging) or pair your lube with a small vibrator and start having some fun on your own!

He's selfish. It's that simple.

It sounds like he's never bothered to consider your pleasure. To take the time to turn you on before he inserts his penis. No wonder you're dry as a bone and need lube! I suspect this has very little to do with menopausal dryness and more the fact that you're just not aroused.

Whether you choose to stay with him is a whole separate issue. Personally I wouldn't tolerate this level of selfishness just for "cuddles". Get a dog instead!

Taking pleasure in our bodies is one of life's great gifts. Orgasms are proven to have a whole host of positive mental health and health benefits. Please don't go through yours never feeling like your body isn't capable of those sensations - it is.

I'd recommend the Ferly app. It has guided exercises to help you get used to touching your body and seeing what feels nice. It's very good for women in your position. When you are alone, give it a try. You can fantasise about anything you want, any man. Don't head straight for your genitals, see how it feels running your fingers over the rest of your body. If you do want to touch your genitals, you can use your lube if it helps. Don't focus on trying to orgasm, just concentrate on how the sensations feel. You need to learn how your own body works before you can ask a man to do the same.

The gel is a red herring. This is about what he said to you. Every time he doesn't bother to grab the gel it reminds you that he literally told you he doesn't care about your feelings. You're hoping he'll bring the gel up before you do as that would somehow demonstrate otherwise and make you feel prioritised.
It sounds like all of the possible qualities on your list are applicable to him.
I think you're on the right track to consider therapy for yourself.

@Tiredbehyondbelief I think he outright wants sex to be uncomfortable for you- that turns him on, or your comfort turns him off. Otherwise he'd have no problem with using the lube.

is your heritage fro. asia by any chance?