“You swanning out to work everyday is annoying.

[Pumpernickel101]

Last night, (because our cleaner had asked to come a day early this week), I tidied the entire house after a 12 hour day at work as a teacher.

DH was tired last night, so we agreed that I’d tidy/organise the house that night and he’d make the spare bed the following night. He finishes work at 3pm each day so that he can pick DD up from school and be with her. I finish work any time between 5 and 6:30 and have to be at work around 7:30am.

My DD 6 kept me company last night while I tidied and organised the whole house, clearing surfaces, putting laundry away, unloading the dishwasher, clearing clutter, emptying bins etc. We chatted away and she made a lovely mask as I was doing these jobs. When I’d finished, I read her a story and put her to bed while DH lay in bed on his phone.

I pulled out the mattress from under the spare room bed in preparation for my dad and his partner coming to stay this weekend but when I did, I noticed that our cat had used it as a hiding place and there was lots of fur under it. I asked if DH could hoover the mattress and make the bed to which he agreed.

Tonight I got in from work late (6:45) because it was the staff meeting at my school and DH said that we had no milk. I asked DD if she wanted to pop to the supermarket with me and thought that we could get some nice bits for my dad’s stay on the weekend. DD said she’d rather I just went but requested popcorn for our Friday night movie night.

I got home with the food shopping at 9pm and put it away. When I walked upstairs having had a 13 hour day pretty much non-stop, I found DH on DD’s bed with her asleep and him scrolling the internet and the spare bed was hoovered but unmade.

I felt really disappointed that there were still jobs to do, despite yesterday being on the go from 6am-10pm and today from 6am- 9pm and DH had done nothing but put the washing on the clothes horses that I’d put in before work this morning.

He heard me sighing frustratedly and asked how I was. I asked why he hadn’t made the bed and he said he’d “built” the bed (which is putting the two singles together with a clamp.) and hoovered it which had been “really hard”.

I said it’s not fair that I’d only asked him to do 1 thing and he hadn’t even done that despite agreeing to and despite me doing everything else and despite his working hours being more lenient.

He said he’d been making the kitchen floor (a job he stopped doing 6 months ago and he randomly decided to prioritise tonight!) I suggested that finishing the kitchen floor wasn’t really a priority when we have guests staying on Friday.

He then as he always does:

•told me I was in a “strop” repeatedly
•told me I was throwing my teddies out of the pram
•told me it didn’t need to be done that night
•Once I’d made the bed myself with duvet covers, pillow cases etc, he proceeded to grab all of the cushions off the floor and throw them chaotically on the made bed. When I told him that was unkind he said, incredulously, “What!? They just need to be off the floor for the cleaner to hoover!” Not acknowledging or being truthful about the fact that what he was really doing was trying to mess up my made bed.

•He had done a similar thing last week when I got annoyed with him about his hoarding problem starting to encroach on another room in the house. He reacted by getting loads old planks and old doors and throwing them across walkways in the previously clean and tidy kitchen and dining room then denied that this was an aggressive move until he was blue in the face.

•This time I decided to do to him what he’d done to me and went into his hoarding room and pushed a few bits of wood over.

•He got really mad then because his stuff is his whole world.

•He then told me that I’m a bad mother because I swan off for work 12 hours a day and I don’t see our daughter enough.

•I told him I have to work because we need the money and that we’re lucky because I get the whole holidays off so I can spend lots of time with our daughter in the holidays it’s free childcare so he should be happy, on weekends and I am home by 5pm so she’s only missing me for 1.5 hours of the day on those days.

•he said I don’t see her enough and my job annoys him.

• I suggested that it annoys him because when I’m not at home he has to actually do some domestic labour.

I cannot raise a single issue or communicate a single need to this man without knowing that I’ve got to get in the boxing ring and defend myself from his onslaught of nasty, unkind, disrespectful language, attitude and accusations.

Yes- I feel guilty about working full time but when I’m at home, I feel guilty about not getting my work all done. The last thing I need is for my own husband to be guilt tripping me about going to fucking work. It’s not as though I have anything close to a social life or a hobby. This is my FUCKING JOB!

He is now saying he is sorry but I’m so over his shitty, lazy, nasty attitude and behaviour.

I can’t leave because I couldn’t afford to/ it would break DD’s heart and I don’t trust that he wouldn’t expose my DD to her half sister in my absence. A dangerous and unkind young woman, who I don’t want anywhere near my DD.

So here I am - yet another trapped woman with the entirety of the mental load on my shoulders, unable to move away from a man who clearly has no love or respect for me.

Yep. You've got a husband. I think I just saw a thread asking why more women are choosing to live alone? Who knows?

'He likes me better when I'm disempowered' - OP, a partner who loves you and appreciates you should not like you better disempowered. This would set alarm bells ringing for me. X

Do you have anyone that elevates you in your life. I don’t mean to discuss this with, just that actually understands how marvelous you are. The reading of your posts wreaks of bullying and unhappiness. Every avenue of escape seems seeped in doom which is exactly what a narcissist would manipulate you to feel. I fear eventually the trolls will pile on this post to revel in your low self esteem and you will feel lower. If you have just anyone to lift your mood and create a safe space with a more positive vibe (your a teacher, you sound like a wonderful mother and a provider as well) you must have someone that loves these things and tells you how wonderful you are (not your mum they have to do that) a real ally. You must get some space from all the bad feeling and gas lighting before you can truly understand your options and what a wonderful life you could have with your daughter before it’s too late.

Just remember this is the model of a relationship you are providing for your DD, if you don't take action to change things for yourself do it for her!

If you leave he will still be a dad, he doesn’t stop being a dad, he just stops being your husband/partner/boyfriend.

So it’s not a good reason to stay as she will still have a dad anyway, unless his dead beat but that’s on him.

You sound a wonderful person OP and I'm full of admiration at you being a teacher and with great self awareness. Your H isn't rare by the way- so many women are in similar situations- not 'having it all' but 'doing it all' - so many men fail to appreciate or play a full part in the load that comes with having children, accommodating guests. Keeping a home nice and yet still bring a full time wage in. They seem to think just working is enough(for them) but not for their partners. I do appreciate not all men are like this, but my own experience of me and my friends us that more are like this than are true equals. I would give it a year, if he carries on the same then go and see someone about the options for divorce /separation

@Pumpernickel101

Divorce is not going to 'destroy' your DD. She will adjust and thrive because she will be living with a happy, peaceful mum in a happy, peaceful home. Right now she is living with an unhappy, stressed, and distraught mum and a father who is modeling some of the very worst in male behaviour in a home where there is strife between her parents. Don't think it's not affecting her, because it is. Children are perceptive little creatures and they pick up on things we think are hidden well. And if he's throwing things on the kitchen floor and you're having arguments about who does what and how, do you really think she knows nothing/hears nothing/feels nothing? Don't deceive yourself. She may be compartmentalizing it, as children do, but it's there nonetheless and she's 'learning what she lives'.

And perhaps her father will be happier in a home of his own, too, because it appears that the two of you have different ways of 'doing things' that are not compatible. And isn't better for DD to have two happy parents in two happy homes?

As far as her half-sister, you haven't said much about what she does that is so 'dangerous'. I'm not saying you are exaggerating by any means. You are there and I am not. Just be sure that you aren't using her bad behaviour as an excuse for not leaving. Again, I don't mean to offend you with this. But perhaps something could be worked out. If this girl doesn't start living with 'H' (not so 'D' these days) if you separate perhaps it could be arranged that they aren't with him at the same time. If he agrees that her behaviour is dangerous/abusive it seems to me he wouldn't want DD around her, either.

As far as finances, you need to see a solicitor. It doesn't mean you are going to 'do' anything. Just that you are educating yourself as to what divorce might mean to you financially. This will take those 'what ifs' out of your mind and give you concrete information to work with wrt your 2nd house/inheritance issues/financial settlements. But remember you can't put a price on happiness, nor on freedom. At some point it may be worth losing some of your assets in order to be free of him.

Just out of curiosity, would moving to your rental be an option for you as part of a 'trial' separation?

Oh and to add....as others have said, say nothing to him about any thoughts or plans. Especially say nothing when (not if) you see a solicitor.

You sound a bit defeated OP. Take your time, don't rush into it but start forming a plan to exit, it may not be today or tomorrow but sometime in the future. If this was your DD's partner, what advice would you have given her? Why wouldn't you give yourself the same advice? It must be draining to fight over the smallest thing.
You will be happier on your own, you just don't see it now, in the thick of it.
Good luck whatever you decide!

Thank you.

I know for a fact that my life on the other side would not be as simple as ‘two happy peaceful people in two happy peaceful homes’. That’s not reality. It would open cans of worms I can’t even envisage sat where I am now.

DH is very stubborn and would not allow me to call the shots when he was looking after DD if I left. He would be avoidant, uncooperative and would no co-parent successfully because in order for that to happen you need good communication skills. Unfortunately this is not a skill set DH possesses.

Believe me. I am not exaggerating about DSD being dangerous. Think weapons. Think threats, lies, manipulation, social services, no boundaries, control, vocalising frightening intentions, stealing, think defiant X 1000000.

DH is utterly controlled by her and her mother. My DD- a lovely, sensitive, compliant little girl would become at best a voiceless powerless afterthought or worse in an environment controlled by a person who I personally think has psychopathic traits.

It’s NOT going to happen. Literally. Over my dead body.

It’s not as simple as DH and I having ‘different ways of doing things’. He doesn’t do things. I have to do the things. That’s the crux of all this.

He lacks the wish/need/ability to live in functional environments. If I left, this whole house would be a filthy hoarder’s hell within six months.

Maybe that’s unfair. He does do stuff- a bit of dishwasher loading here and there but his engine is so feeble he doesn’t regularly put energy behind carrying out the tasks which need to be carried out in order to keep our lives and home on rails. Clever really because he can always throw it bank at me in an argument- I do do stuff- I loaded the dishwasher this morning, I made DD’s packed lunch blah blah. Doing it when the mood strikes you is a luxury I can’t afford.

Just start doing more things separately op. Hobbies for just dd and you. Maybe aquire an expensive hobby and buying expensive equipment.. If you divorce he would get shares of ££ but not personal stuff.. Designer handbags maybe? And decent savings accounts for dd? Play the long game.

But if the situation with the DSD is that bad , please seek advice from a solicitor if your DD can have supervised visits only at her dad's if you separate, at least until she's a minor.

You mentioned earlier about the outcomes for kids of divorced parents. When these "statistics" are shoved down women's throats by religious fundie types, the comparison never seems be specifically made with kids living with 2 parents living together in a dysfunctional relationship.

@Pumpernickel101

I agree with above poster. Talk to a solicitor about this issue, too.

Is there a 'paper trail' about this girl? How is it handled now or does he see her away from the house?

If it were probable that there could be an order for supervised contact or the equivalent of a restraining order against his DD, would that change your feelings about leaving?

I agree.

And anyway your husband is not a statistically average man, is he. He sounds like a complete nutter. (And rude, selfish, cruel, neglectful etc the list goes on).

People divorce for all kinds of reasons, some to avoid abuse/neglect (as op's case might be, which hopefully would improve DD's situation) and some for less good reasons (which might have bad outcomes for DC). It's nonsense to lump them all together "statistically" in the way op is doing.

Eventually, your unhappiness will impact DD. Leave him, she'll see him during his contact times with her. When she sees how his house is a tip and yours isn't, she'll join the dots as to why you left.

Yours faithfully, a child of divorce.

This ⬆

Op, you sound amazing.

Your h is a petty, spiteful, lazy, selfish dickhead.

I'd get that terrace you spotted.

Your dd will be fine. She really will. More than fine. She will thrive.

Free yourself.

He lacks the wish/need/ability to live in functional environments. If I left, this whole house would be a filthy hoarder’s hell within six months

Right, this with his daughters issues. What court is going to allow unsupervised or overnight contact?

The only thing trapping you is your own brain OP. Your daughter is going to be more traumatised staying in this joke of a marriage with a miserable mother than one who could be happy and willing to fight for her.

Even in 'happy families' a teaching puts a strain on relationships. Its impossible for the non-teacher to relate to the pressure and constant demands. Teachers need supportive partners, the exact opposite of him. You like things to be a certain way, and he doesn't care.

Your point about him being a 'hero' coz he gets his own DC from school rings so true. I bet he mentions that a lot.

I agree with others that you shouldn't use your DC as a reason to dismiss idea of leaving. I know it seems too daunting, because you are fire fighting all day, so there's no energy to even consider it as an idea. But, ultimately, it almost certainly would be a better life for you and your DC.

Meanwhile, now you're not taking any shit, tell him to go and visit his dad and leave you in peace!!!

Just read your updates...look OP, if he's as dysfunctional as you say he probably would barely even see your DD post divorce. Imagine it's a few years time, she's 9, she wouldn't even want to go to his hellish hovel. She will start to see who he really is. The idolising the parent thing passes as they get older.

If the DSD is as bad as you say, you can insist on supervised contact.
Your mindset about protecting your DD is very damaging to you. You need to look after yourself, in order to be there for her, coz him and his other daughter do sound awful.

Aren't you worried that raising your DD in a home with him, is actually potentially damaging to her?

How you put up with, let alone live with such a vile man who takes joy in trying to drag you down and down, would be too much for anyone.

He does it because he knows (thinks) you’re trapped, and by virtue of that, he will keep doing it.

Give yourself some time to get over the shock and upset and then when you’re ready explore ways to get yourself out of this situation.

You are not matched in any shape or form, and he will always be a deadhead and a deadweight.

You on the other hand have so much positivity, love and care.

Good luck you and your DD will be ok 💐

Hi @Pumpernickel101

I left an abusive man like you husband last year. We were together 21 years. We got together when I was 20, I’m now nearly 42.

I stayed through terrible fights, volcanic rages, smashing things, pushing me, hitting me, being called every name under the sun at the slightest provocation. I told myself splitting would be worse for the kids, I couldn’t bear to lose them 50% of the time, they would be so upset, he was actually a great dad etc etc.

I finally ended it in November last year. Guess what? He’s actually not a great dad, he’s a lazy shit who does the bare minimum. He claimed to want 50:50 but does nowhere close to that - 4 nights a fortnight if I’m lucky and if I organise everything down to the last sock and toothbrush. My kids (aged 5 & 8) are so much happier - we are all lighter for not walking on eggshells around his moods. Almost everyone I know has been supportive of me, including all his friends and his own father. My career has gone from strength to strength. Yes I don’t get home until 6.30. My kids are fine.

You have financial means and one child. Do your daughter a favour, leave this shithead of a man and don’t look back.

Thank you for your replies everyone.

The last thing I want is to split for all of the reasons stated already.

He’s contacted a relationship therapist and we have our first session this week.

We've had family staying this weekend and Dh and I after lots of talking had got to a relatively even keel by the time they arrived.

It’s been quite joyful and nice in a way I haven’t experienced family life for a while.

DH has been actually helpful with the days and has resisted the urge to slope off or play the tired/non-communicative card all day.

I took a quiet moment to tell my dad how things have been and that we’re seeking therapy because I want people who love me to know that things are a bit hard at the moment.

Unfortunately, after family had gone home, DH had another explosion.

I was listening to DD read her school reading book and DH was calling through to the room we were in, insisting that DD come and film him playing his guitar.

I repeatedly said that she was just reading her school book to me and would be through in a minute (I think DD agreed to film him if she could use his phone to make an animation earlier on). He just continuously called through getting increasingly irritated, telling DD that she’d agreed to film him and I continuously said wait she’ll be ready soon.

Finally, poor DD went to film her dad playing the guitar and I told him to remember to read the rest of her book with her this week to which he replied “Yeah alright Pumpernickel, if you stop being so arsey.”

I said I wasn’t being arsey and that I was just telling him not to assume she’d completed it.

A few minutes go by and he’s snapping at DD because she’s filming him wrong.
At this point I’m angry because he’s now giving her shit too.

I stepped in and said that she’s just a 6 year old and doesn’t know, she may have got bored and instead of backing down, he said that he told her to point it towards him. Again I said that she’s just a child and he has now been completely horrible to both of us.

I asked why he so desperately needed her to film him playing his guitar and he said he’d just found out his good friend is dying and that he wanted to send him his favourite song.

I said that he should have communicated that to us in the first place instead of being nasty and angry towards us out of the blue.

I insisted that he apologise to DD, which he did.

He told me I should get off my high horse.

I am so exhausted by the way this kind of thing makes me feel. I hate him talking down to me in front of DD.

He came to find me upstairs and said sorry. He then told me that I was angry and I said I didn’t want him to focus on how I feel and that him telling me what my feelings are is way over my boundaries. He needs to own his shit and stop turning all of his bad behaviour back on to me.

He left and brought me a cup of tea basically literally bowing down to me and apologising.

He then went to town to get some cash out for the babysitter and some snacks for her (first time he’s ever assumed responsibility for such a thing) then came back with a bunch of roses telling me he was sorry and that he loved me.

I’m so filled up with anger and sadness now and this was supposed to be our date night. A comedy gig by a comedian that we had bonded over in our early days together. I can’t shake this bad mood and although I’m not planning on arguing (I don’t have the strength) I feel really angry that he has behaved in such a way and doubled down on the fuck-wittery even when I called him out on it.

We are now just sat in silence and poor DD is fast asleep (I think) because the vibe in the house was so off.

His communication style is non-existent, aggressive, rude and I’m just so affected by it. 😞

All of this sounds very wearing and not a good environment for any of you. My parents’ marriage was riven with conflict of the kind you describe. It got worse so that by my teens we were witnessing domestic violence (both parties) and they occasionally turned on me and my sibling. In our teens we asked them to split because we were done with it. It cast a very long shadow and soured our relationship with our parents. When you’ve seen your parents behave that poorly it is hard to have any respect for them, even if you still love them (just about). I don’t think you realise yet how much harm the status quo is doing your daughter, or your longer term relationship with her. Don’t assume she’ll thank you for staying.