Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Found out my mum has been having an affair.....advise please

59 replies

sr1986 · 12/09/2023 12:31

Hi,
First apologies if this is a long post......So to cut a long story short I found out at the weekend my mum has been having an affair with a man at her work. They were basically caught by his family in his van on a car park, my mum then panicked came home and told my dad. My dad has kept it to himself for a few months. She said things had ended for my dad to yet find out it was still going on so he felt he had to tell me & my sister as he had no one else to talk to. My mum has now said things have ended with him (the man at work), they are working opposite shifts at work and she want's to make things work with my dad. They have 2 grandchildren and I feel she is only saying things have ended to keep her grandchildren and not my dad and us! My dad has recently gone back to work and he literally is on his phone every 2 seconds checking if she's on whatsapp worrying who she is messaging, she doesn't understand he needs to try and trust her again. We however feel things are still going on with this guy at work and she is lying to us. Me & my sister have said if she's lying and it is, then she's going to loose us all.
Does anyone have any advise for me? I know it's up to my parents to sort out but seeing my dad the way he is, is destroying me!!
He says he can't loose her, and if he does I am worried what he will do and how his health will be impacted.
Sorry if this post is babbling but I just don't know what to do to help!!
Thanks

OP posts:

TheCatterall · 12/09/2023 12:33

Oh massive squishes @sr1986 no advice just didn’t want to read and run and hope others will be along soon. x

nibblemonster · 12/09/2023 12:34

sounds really tough and I can empathise as I had something similar in my own family. What was their relationship like before? How did your dad behave towards your mum? Was it a balanced and fair relationship? I'm not excusing her actions in any way but it helps if you can have some perspective on her motivations for this behaviour.

TammyJones · 12/09/2023 12:36

@sr1986
Sorry you have found yourself in this difficult situation.
The shock wave of a affair are devastating.
No one can ever know what goes on between man and wife.
I know you're all upset but you just have to be there for them.

Original poster

sr1986 · 12/09/2023 14:40

Thanks for your replies and messages of support.
As far as I know their relationship seemed fine, but then I don't see behind closed doors. They are both in their 60's and I'm sure relationships change but they seemed fine. My mum lost her brother to cancer last month. He got diagnosed at the start of May and she has said this guy showed some support and affection towards her and wanted to be there for her. My dad was also always there for my mum, would drive her to and from the hospital always supported her through my uncle's illness, I'm not sure if she's just using it as an excuse! She's told me she wouldn't lie to me and has said it's ended, and I've said if she is lying then I know it sounds harsh but she won't be seeing me or her grandchild for a very long time.

Me & my sister are going round on Thursday to talk as a family. I'm not really sure what I'm going to say, I just need to know it's not going on anymore, but how do we believe her!!!

OP posts:

Spinet · 12/09/2023 14:44

I think you have to keep her grandchildren out of it. If you can't forgive/believe her and don't want to see her then she won't see her grandchildren anyway I suppose, but don't use them as punishment as none of this is their fault or concern.

I'm tempted to say none of it is your business but I know it hurts to see your dad in pain. He needs to find others to talk to about it though.

Flockameanie · 12/09/2023 14:45

I’m not sure what you can do? It’s their relationship and therefore their issue to deal with. Of course there will be emotional fallout and impact on you. But as the child of a parent who was serially unfaithful (I’ve lost count of the number of their new partners I’ve had to meet!), I urge you not to take on the emotional labour of trying to fix or even really understand the reasons behind this.

fetchacloth · 12/09/2023 14:50

Oh OP what an awful thing to happen 😢.
I'm not excusing your mother's behaviour but I do wonder if the bereavement may have changed her behaviour in some way? Bereavement does really strange things to some people and changes their thinking and behaviour 🤔 this may be a phase that will pass but I do have a great deal of sympathy with your dad and your family.
Maybe your mum would benefit from some professional bereavement counselling?

Sending hugs 💐🪷

Gnomegnomegnome · 12/09/2023 14:53

She's told me she wouldn't lie to me and has said it's ended, and I've said if she is lying then I know it sounds harsh but she won't be seeing me or her grandchild for a very long time.

You are unlikely to get the truth if you are using blackmail!

What is the purpose of the family meeting? Are you going to torture her until you get a confession? Are you looking for proof?

I think that all you can do is take a step back, let your parents work it out and be there for your dad.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2023 14:55

Me & my sister are going round on Thursday to talk as a family.

Sorry, but this is a terrible idea. What happens from now on is honestly none of your business. Your parents marital issues are for them to hash out, without your interference. It's time for you and your sister to back off.

Frodedendron · 12/09/2023 15:04

I know it's hard but you need to take a massive step back, you are hugely over involved. Neither parent should be leaning on you for emotional support or confiding in you. This isn't your mess to sort out.

Threatening to cut your mum off if she doesn't tell you the truth is way over the line - she doesn't owe you the truth, it's between her and your dad. You don't know what has gone on in your parents' marriage. Only they know. Your mum might have been miserable for years. Your dad is a grown man and will find a way through it. He shouldn't be weaponising you and your sister now any more than if you were still children. Cancel the family meeting and leave them to sort it between themselves.

LifesShortTalkFast · 12/09/2023 15:09

I can understand your disappointment and concern for your father, but you are an adult and your parents' relationship really isn't your business. If you were having marital problems would you welcome interference from your parents? Would you like discussing your sex life with them?

Leveraging your children to try to force your mother to be faithful to your father is a very, very bad idea. If she's a good and loving grandmother why would you deprive your children of a relationship with her?

Sorry OP, but you are massively over stepping here. Offer support to your father but stay the heck out of your parents' intimate life. And for heaven's sake don't weaponize your poor children!

LonelyS1ngle · 12/09/2023 15:18

I've been the parent in this kind of situation and I'd implore you to leave them to it. Try not to take sides as you really don't know the ins and outs of their marriage.

Be there for them but I'd not try to be their marriage counsellor beyond "how's things?" type vagaries.

It's very complicated but there's no need for extended family to become involved. This happened with us and it's never been the same since sadly, our children just got too involved and knew things there was no need to.

SaylessSayless · 12/09/2023 15:20

Why would she not see you or her grandchildren for a very long time?

Will you only love your mother if she is with your father?

Cosmosforbreakfast · 12/09/2023 15:25

I understand it's awful for you but your parents marriage is their own business and you need to stay out of it. You have to respect whatever decision your dad makes. You can be supportive to both without taking sides, don't get involved any further. Keep grandchildren out of it. Do not use them as weapons against your mother.

dottiedodah · 12/09/2023 15:36

I feel that your parents marriage is their own business .However you are involved as their children/grandchildren .We often see our parents as just Mum or Dad,not a person in their own right.She is still their Nan and your Mum .Sometimes losing a parent or Spouse in later life can make you question a lot of things.This chap obviously made her feel happier .In the long run can your parents marriage be saved ? Not many older people would leave their families ,so heres hoping all will work out for them

Crabwoman · 12/09/2023 15:37

This is their's to sort as adults. My parents recently got divorced, and we all told them early on that we were not taking sides or getting involved with the nitty gritty.

We were supportive of both, but conscious that we didn't want to be privy to the intimate details and nuances of their relationships.

It started to creep in whereby DM cried on the shoulder of DSiS#1 who went and spoke to DDad about it who gave a different version of events. Tit for tat with the (adult) kids stuck in the middle.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2023 15:38

She's told me she wouldn't lie to me and has said it's ended, and I've said if she is lying then I know it sounds harsh but she won't be seeing me or her grandchild for a very long time.

It's shameful that you said this. Using your own child as ammunition in deplorable.

Seaoftroubles · 12/09/2023 15:40

OP, you and your sister need to take a step back. It's a very bad idea to confront your Mum 'as a family' to put pressure on her, and to threaten her that she won't see her grandchildren if she's not telling you all the truth.You are not judge and jury! You need to leave your parents alone to sort out their relationship between them.

Theoscargoesto · 12/09/2023 15:45

Your mum and your dad have a relationship that involves you and your sister, I understand that.

However they are your parents, this is an issue they should deal with with their friends, their own support systems, and each other: it is really not your business.

You clearly love your parents, and want what is best for them, but they have to work out what that is, not you. Of course it will be tough if what you think is best isn’t what they do, but that is no different from watching anyone one loves making a mistake. It’s your job to support, to be there, to encourage them to talk to each other, not to take sides.

Please do not use the grandchildren as a weapon. Whatever your parents issues with each other, they remain loving and loved grandparents. And if there are already issues with that, this situation is not the chance to sort it. If they don’t love each other any more, they can still love you your sister and the grandchildren.

ChoresSuck · 12/09/2023 15:47

People who have affairs lie to protect themselves, their affair partner and their possibly future (what they may loose). They want the best of both worlds. I have been in this position. My dad had an affair. As an adult you need to back off and stop threatening your mum with not seeing you or the grandchildren. I k ow you want to support your dad but taking sides is not a good choice. What if your parents split up and your mum stays with the other man? Are you genuinely never going to see or speak to her again? They are adults and you know nothing of their relationship really. That is between them.

LifesShortTalkFast · 12/09/2023 15:47

She's told me she wouldn't lie to me and has said it's ended, and I've said if she is lying then I know it sounds harsh but she won't be seeing me or her grandchild for a very long time

To get some perspective on this imagine a role reversal. Your mother objects to some aspect of your relationship with your partner and says - "You better do as I say or you and your children won't be seeing me any longer".

Now imagine how that would feel.

greyhairnomore · 12/09/2023 15:47

It really is not your business. You shouldn't be using the grandchildren as weapons either.

loislovesstewie · 12/09/2023 15:51

Please leave your parents alone to sort out this very sad situation ,for themselves. Confronting one party, having an intervention, wanting to know details, asking for assurances that the affair has ended is only going to cause more issues.It's not up to you to sort and neither should you issue threats about what you will do if she/they don't comply. I'm not commenting on what has happened other than to say we ,none of us,know what goes on in another's marriage. I could give so many examples of behaviour that I never thought possible.

pinkdelight · 12/09/2023 15:52

Even parents who have affairs are allowed to see their children. You shouldn't use grandchild as leverage to force a grandparent to not have an affair. Don't bring them into it at all, and try to stay out of it yourself. A long marriage is a complex thing and you can't possibly get involved in the way you're saying. Be there for your dad by all means but blackmailing your mum with your DC is a bad move and won't help anyone.

JanefromLondon1 · 12/09/2023 15:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread