Found out my mum has been having an affair.....advise please

[sr1986]

Hi,
First apologies if this is a long post......So to cut a long story short I found out at the weekend my mum has been having an affair with a man at her work. They were basically caught by his family in his van on a car park, my mum then panicked came home and told my dad. My dad has kept it to himself for a few months. She said things had ended for my dad to yet find out it was still going on so he felt he had to tell me & my sister as he had no one else to talk to. My mum has now said things have ended with him (the man at work), they are working opposite shifts at work and she want's to make things work with my dad. They have 2 grandchildren and I feel she is only saying things have ended to keep her grandchildren and not my dad and us! My dad has recently gone back to work and he literally is on his phone every 2 seconds checking if she's on whatsapp worrying who she is messaging, she doesn't understand he needs to try and trust her again. We however feel things are still going on with this guy at work and she is lying to us. Me & my sister have said if she's lying and it is, then she's going to loose us all.
Does anyone have any advise for me? I know it's up to my parents to sort out but seeing my dad the way he is, is destroying me!!
He says he can't loose her, and if he does I am worried what he will do and how his health will be impacted.
Sorry if this post is babbling but I just don't know what to do to help!!
Thanks

Depriving your children of a loving relationship with a grandparent is not fair on them. This is not your issue - this is a marital problem between your parents and isn't really your business. I know your dad is hurting but you really have to stay separate from this.

Thanks all.
It wasn't my idea for the family meeting, it was my parents. They wanted to talk to us, so I am just doing as they wish.

Maybe go out for lunch with your mum and have a chat? It can’t hurt, and it sounds as though she probably wants to talk about it

Tell them no, that you don't want to be involved and you're not going to pick sides. If you have any sense whatsoever, you will not attend this absurd meeting. No good will come of it.

I am not taking anyone's side. Maybe I haven't had time to process things properly yet and I am still pretty angry & upset about everything.
I ring my mum and I ring my dad to check how they both are, I still speak to them both the same.
I just wanted some advise and not be told of, thanks thou for your comments

Daughter of a serial cheater.

Not your circus.

Your Dad should not be leaning on you, and you should not be threatening your mom.

Thanks useful

Best thing is to stay out of it OP.

Sadly you really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors or in the bedroom and it’s not your business to know. It’s so difficult when it’s a friend in this situation but even harder when it’s your parents.

Thank you

Don't go to this meeting. It has disaster written all over it.

It's down to your parents to sort out their lives, and bringing you and your sister into it is only going to end up destroying you all. And you bringing their grandchildren into it is so many types of wrong that I don't know where to start. You will now never now the truth because your mum stands to lose so much if she gives it to you.

So you and your sister say no to the meeting. You tell them that you love them both but you cannot get embroiled in this, and you apologise for the things you said when emotional, and assure tham that whatever comes of this, they are still your mum and dad, and that their DGCs will always be part of their lives.

Maybe the Thursday meeting is to tell you and your sister that they are splitting up?

*Daughter of a serial cheater.

Not your circus*

Same here. However, my mother chose to stay married to him so not for me to pass judgement. While he might have been a lousy husband he was a wonderful grandfather and the kids absolutely adored him.

People are complex creatures, not one dimensional cardboard cutouts. And other people's marriages are a mystery that we don't need to solve.

I think you need to take a step back and let them sort it out between them.

Obviously be supportive towards your father in his distress, but don't get too involved or dragged into trying to police your mum's behaviour or making ultimatums.

Just hugs and sorry that he's hurting and so on.

And for your mum, well, you may not like what she's doing, who would? But she's still your mum, so I'd just try to keep out of it.

So sorry OP, I could literally have written this myself at the start of last year, the only difference being for my mum it was a man from her gym rather than work!

My sister and I have learned the hard way that it’s best to just stay out of it, because in our situation now our parents are back together, there is always a bit of awkwardness that stems from us knowing the ins and outs of the whole ordeal. They forgive and forget and never want to speak of it again and it leaves you feeling really quite confused!

Sorry this has happened to you, you of course will have all sorts of feelings
but on a practical level you need to stay out of it. It’s not your place to get involved in someone else’s marriage. The fact that they’re your parents makes no difference to that in my opinion. Your dad shouldn’t have involved you at all.
If he is worrying all day about trust that is for them to work through or end things.
If she doesn’t really want to be with your dad that’s for her (or him) to decide. You shouldn’t be pressuring or threatening either of them either way.
I know as an adult I wouldn’t want my family getting involved in my relationship, dictating behaviours etc. And I imagine you wouldn’t either. That is for the two people involved in the relationship to work out.

Thank you for posting. I am sorry to hear about your parents, but glad they are still together.
Has your dad learnt to trust your mum again? Are they in a happy relationship? I just want the best for them and obviously my dad doesn't want to loose my mum!!

@sr1986 I don’t think he will ever really trust her again, but my dad just didn’t want to lose her. My mum actually left for about 5 months, moved in with the other man, and when the other man left her (shock, he didn’t actually want a relationship!) she came crawling back, and I was absolutely shocked when my dad allowed her to move straight back into their house, within 3 days they were back sharing a bed. For my dad it’s very much a case of he’d rather put up with the affair than lose her, the worst thing he can think of is not her cheating it’s living without her.

I wouldn’t say for sure they will be together forever because honestly I think as time passes she will have another affair and she now knows he will always take her back. But for now she seems happy, and he is just happy to have her back in the house.

I was in your shoes 20 years ago, but my father never found out and I have never had the courage to tell him. I confronted my mother because I was shocked and she told me some tough things about my father. I chose not to get involved and heal in my own way because I thought that whatever issues they had had, they were between them and my relationship with them has never been affected by her affair.

I know how hard it is, I can't offer you an answer, just a handhold! 💐

Your dad sounds exactly like mine. He is trying to get on with life like nothing has happened but in the back of his mind I know he is struggling, constantly checking whatsapp to see if she's online, wondering who she's messaging! I guess it's something he has to build on to trust her again!

I am glad they are happy again for now.

I disagree with the previous PP's. Your mum is a liar and a cheat, if that doesn't sit well with your morals - especially when it is your dad she is hurting - then you don't have to be around her and your kids don't have to be either. I guess it depends what sort of person she is aside from this and what sort of relationship you and your kids have with her beyond this. Is she always selfish and entitled? Or is she normally a good mum and grandmother?

Be there to support your dad but he might need more help than you can give. Would he consider counselling?

It's your choice whether you go to the meeting or not, no one can predict what will happen or should be telling you that you should/shouldn't go. Your dad has chosen to confide in you and now it's up to you how much you choose to get involved. Don't feel you have to if you don't want to.

Thank you.
No she has never been selfish and I have never seen this side of her before. She's normally a brilliant mum and grandmother, she adores her grandchildren and would do anything for us and them.

I have suggested my dad gets counselling but he said he doesn't want to get anyone else involved. I have said it might do him good to speak to someone he doesn't know about things.

I've also suggested it to my mum to speak to someone too!

I think they would most benefit from seeing an independent counsellor to discuss their future relationship, rather than having their daughters laying down the law round the kitchen table.
We have no right to expect our parents to stay in a marriage that for whatever reason they are not happy in. And it's not fair of you to demand your mother shares her absolute innermost personal feelings about her marriage and her husband (your father) with you.
It's also really unfair to hold up the grandchildren as a bargaining chip.
I think rather than all the ultimatums you ought to be telling them you love them both, you want the rest of their lives to be happy, you'll support them both whatever, and get some proper counselling either separately or together or both, to work out their own futures.

Not what you want to hear, I know. But you are all grown ups now and you must know by now that relationships are damn complicated beasts.

Think of it this way - no-one is perfect, infidelity is common, marriage strife is common.

Maybe your mum has fallen in love with this man - do you really want to force her back into her marriage by emotional blackmail over whether she can see the grandkids or not?

How would you feel if some day your romantic life went awry and family tried to dictate who you stay with? If you'd had an ex-boyfriend that your family tried to make you stay with, even if you didn't want to? What about your kids, in the future, do you want them to tell you who to be with or they won't see you? It's not up to you to try to rule another person's life.

Yes it's horrible for your dad and it's horrible for you all, but it's not something you should be trying to control.

I agree OP I think both of your parents would benefit from counselling. Maybe in time when things have cooled off, they could consider some mediation.
Good luck with it all 💐

Not read the full thread but absolutely this:

“I’m not sure what you can do? It’s their relationship and therefore their issue to deal with. Of course there will be emotional fallout and impact on you. But as the child of a parent who was serially unfaithful (I’ve lost count of the number of their new partners I’ve had to meet!), I urge you not to take on the emotional labour of trying to fix or even really understand the reasons behind this.”

Both my parents had affairs when married but particularly my father. Ultimately it caused the breakdown if their marriage. I understand your sympathy for your father but, assuming your mother is a good GM, it’s wrong to use your DCs as a tool to punish her. There may be reasons why it’s right for your parents’ marriage to end. Would you want to think your mum has been kept in it because you have emotionally blackmailed her?