My Dad is having an affair advice please

[Abf21]

I can't believe I am typing this, my sister and I have found out my Dad is having an affair - He doesn't know we know at present. My Mum has been borderline personaility disorder, but she has been stable for a while now, with peaks and troughs now and again as to be expected. If I tell her, I am worried she will not be able to cope with this and I am worried what she may do. It would destroy her but equally I am worried her reaction would be extreme. On the other hand if I don't confront my Dad and tell my Mum then I wouldn't feel comfortbale withholding this information. Any advice would be appreciated. What would you do in my situation?

Stay out of it

How old are you and your sister?

Do you live with your parents?

Who is the OW (is she known to your mum?)

I found out similar with my Dad and another woman. I didn’t end up telling my mum, although I debated it long and hard. In the end I decided that it wasn’t my business and I suspected that my mum and dad had, if not an open marriage, then definitely a ‘don’t ask. Don’t tell’ scenario.

I didn’t have evidence of a full affair, but definitely of texts between my dad and another woman that implied an affair. My parents have been happily married for 50 years and I think that a marriage that long comes with its own set of arrangements and agreements. That Have nothing to do with anybody else.

However you know your parents of course and it sounds like your mother is very vulnerable and if you believe that your dad is hurting her with his behaviour, and it isn’t something that they may have agreed between them and perhaps turned a blind eye to, then you may feel differently to me.

In this scenario, my general rule of thumb is: stay out of it.

I would tell him you both know and he needs to sort it out.
This risk is he may decide to leave and you will have to deal with the fall out.

How old are you OP? Do you and your sister live at home?

So difficult. I think I would approach your dad and tell him what you know. This is not your secret to keep, he needs to tell your mum.

I would tell him that I know in the hope that he ends things with the OW but there's obviously a risk that he will end things with your mum.
It must be hard dealing with a partner who has bpd. Does your dad need more support from you and your sister?

I had a very close mate like this. I was also friends with his wife.

I told him that it was his story to deal with but that he must tell his wife and, if he didn't,I would. He needed to understand that his behaviour meant I was not the only one to know, many others did and some had suspicions. It would inevitably get out in due course because he wasnt being particularly successful at hiding it at work. However, I'd give him the time he needed to deal with it appropriately.

He promised me that he would do.it, took a holiday with OW (no idea what he told his wife), but they came back and both decided to leave their marriages and get together. They've been married over 20 years now.

Are you and your sister adults?
If so, painful though it is, I don’t think it’s any of your business - on a fundamental level. For sure emotionally it is, but it’s between your mum and your dad.
There will be a lot that goes one between them which you know nothing about - especially considering your mother‘s ill health.
Stay out of it.

If it was me I'd tell my Dad I knew and others do too and he wasn't being very discreet.

Do not tell your mum. My mum has BPD and that would have destroyed her.

I would tell your dad that you and your sister know. He needs to decide if he is going to leave or end the affair. If you can find out, your mum can too. He need to sort himself out. Being deceitful helps no-one.

Maybe the best thing to do is to talk to your dad about it. Who knows what is going on behind closed doors. From that discussion you can decide whether your mum should be told.

This happened to my friend L, when we were 17.
L told her father she knew, and said if he didn't tell her DM, she would.
Father told DM. Divorce ensued...
We are now 11 years down the line. DM met new bloke, now happily together.
Cheating Dad, split from OW (not sure who instigated breakup), married again and divorced, about to marry for the third time.
My friend is happy she told DM despite the consequences. My friend still has a good relationship with both parents. Their marriage was obviously not working.
Her DM has had the chance to move on to a very happy place.
Sorry you are in the middle of this Abf21

Thank you for everyones input. Yes we are both adults ( 5 siblings), my Dad says that he isn't prepared to leave his home and where he lives and feels he is entitled to this because of "putting up with my Mum". I am absolutely prepared to stay out of this and I understand it's not my business, I'm just worried that it will get back to her through other people who know and I am worried about something severe happening.

If you and your sister are adults, especially if you don't live at home,it's not your fight,or business.we had a situation at work once,parties concerned are now dead,so no confidentiality breaches. Person had a serious stroke, wife was aware of long term affair,both were going to share his care all sorted until daughter had screaming punch up with mistress, everything fell apart,and he had to go into a nursing home. One of my colleagues in her 40s went berserk. I told her if her father has/had an affair it's nothing to do with her, she completely disagreed.

I'd stay out of it.
Your mum might know anyway.
You might create a situation where your parents separate.
Your mum might become ill if you tell her.
it's not your responsibility to police your parents.

My Mum definately doesn't know. She made a comment that if she found out my Dad was having an affair he wouldn't be living to tell the tale 😐. I'm going to just ignore it and if my sister wants to do something different that is her call. I wish she hadn't have told me.

I'm sorry you are in this position. I have a family member with bpd so I understand it is difficult.

How did you find out? It is possible your mum may found out by the same source?

I think I would still let your dad know you know. And therefore so do others. And he then has to make the decision of how to go forward.

So you have talked to your Dad. I think that’s all you can do.
I understand you don’t like the risk that your mum will find out anyway, but it is their business.
Sorry that you found that out about your Dad, it’s not a nice thing to know about any parent.

You have as much of a moral duty to keep your dads affair a secret and go along with his wishes as you do to go along with what you know your mum would want and tell her. I would speak to your dad and ask him what his long term plan is in all of this. is he staying, is he going, whats the story with him and the OW. based on this and his reaction I am afraid I most likely would tell my mum. she has a right to know that he is cheating on her and if I were in her position I would feel more betrayed that my kids didnt tell me than by my husband.

If I had a time machine I would go back and remove my beak from what I’d just overheard about my parents’ marriage.

I have no parallel universe to check the outcome would have been better. But I suspect it would. If for nothing else than relief from the lump of guilt that my big mouth was the catalyst for a family implosion that hurt (and continues to hurt 40 years later) my siblings.

I didn’t make the mess. But I forced it into the sunlight. Its disinfectant powers are overrated in some circumstances. None of us were ever the same after that moment when I decided not to hold my tongue. It’s like some of us died, and a stranger lived in their body.

I told my mum about my dad's affair. It was hard and a shitty time all round and they did indeed divorce, but I don't regret it for a second and would do the same again.

Same. I couldn’t just ‘stay out of it’, I couldn’t do that to my mum. Both my parents would tell me if my husband was cheating, so I would give them the same respect.

@isthismylifenow Text messages, sightings together, my Mum thinking my Dad is away on a trip with his friends, but he has been sighted in the same town in the evenings with the OW. Now it turns out my BIL has known since November but thought it as a one off. But then he felt he had to tell my sister. It makes me laugh how he tries to give me relationship advice. I have an unwell husband and a teenage daughter and don't have capacity for this. But its hard to have this knowledge. Maybe speaking to my Dad directly in the first instance is the best. It is a car crash waiting to happen. @MegaCookie that was my thought too.

I had similar when I was a teenager. Mum said let it play out, he will be back soon enough. He was and they've been married 54 years now. Keep schtum

What do your siblings want to do? It’s such a difficult situation to be in, I really feel sorry for you.