My Dad is having an affair advice please

[Abf21]

I can't believe I am typing this, my sister and I have found out my Dad is having an affair - He doesn't know we know at present. My Mum has been borderline personaility disorder, but she has been stable for a while now, with peaks and troughs now and again as to be expected. If I tell her, I am worried she will not be able to cope with this and I am worried what she may do. It would destroy her but equally I am worried her reaction would be extreme. On the other hand if I don't confront my Dad and tell my Mum then I wouldn't feel comfortbale withholding this information. Any advice would be appreciated. What would you do in my situation?

What a horrible position you are in. An affair revelation will be terrible for your mum. I would find it extremely difficult to know that my children were aware of this and didn’t tell me. This will be worse given her diagnosis.

Do you think your mom knows, or has she been suspecting, has she been acusing.

If she has then I think I would tell her, if her reality has been denied and she has been gaslighted then I think the pain of actual discovery could be more acceptable than her ruminating and being lied to and maybe even finding out you were involved in the covering up of the affair which has affected her mental health.

In other words has she been acused at all of being crazy/mad by your father for thinking he has had an affair.

I would tell my mother. I would not want to be complicit in this terrible lie.
In her position I would feel betrayed by my whole family not just my dh, and it would significantly damage my relationship with them.

Your father feels he is ‘owed’ access to an OW, incredibly, well I feel your mother as a bare minimum deserves access to the truth.
He sounds awful and disrespectful.

I would want my kids to tell me. I would be really upset to find out that they knew and didn’t tell me.

But I forced it into the sunlight. Its disinfectant powers are overrated in some circumstances

I'm so sorry that you live with such guilt. I know it doesn't really help, but you did what you felt right at the time.

But yes, to save others from similar guilt, I've longed to question that phrase more than once. When people, without really thinking it through, come out with the 'sunlight is a disinfectant' thing, it's often as a justification for them being able to get something off their chest that will hurt others.

Sometimes sunlight causes lasting burns. And it's important to think that possibility through.

@Abf21 in your situation I wouldn't tell your mum. It could finish her.
I do think that someone needs to tell your dad that given his failure to be discreet, she's going to find out, though.

Living with your mum must be far from easy. It may be that he'd have left long ago if it wasn't for this relationship. So it's really not an easy call.

I think she might be devastated to find out everyone knew, remained silent and lied to her by omission. It is so humiliating.

At least if you break it gently to her, you can be on hand to support her. Line up counselling support and be there for her. It will be a double whammy finding out your kids have been in on this too, and she has nowhere to turn.

And she will find out -

Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead, but that's out the window, isn't it? Your mother is absolutely going to find out, if not from you, from someone else. Your father is being insanely indiscrete, and he might as well be walking around holding a live grenade.

This is going to end very, very badly. I would be telling your father to stop being such an idiot.

I don’t know why anyone is saying keep quiet? What on earth you can’t keep this from your mum, your dad is completely deceiving her!

A lot of people knew about my stxhb’s affairs I wish to god someone would have told me years ago I’ll never get those years back now, years of my life wasted because of deception.

Tell your dad he needs to come clean it’s the only way.

Very different situation here but a very lovely neighbour who is a friend too, she’s a teacher so never home. Her DH is having an affair, been spotted with OW a few times (bizarrely often in the park up close and personal) also I’ve seen OW go into their house. OW hubby is a teacher too (diff schools). Quite a few people have spotted it now, I think it’s bound to get out at some point and I’ve decided I’ll support my friend but can’t get involved at this stage. Maybe he’ll stop acting like a twat cycling to the park in broad daylight like a school boy having hook ups with a grown woman.

I know it’s not the same, but I see it as not my business. You’ll just have to be there for your mum when the shit hits the fan. My only concern would be if it’s a sexual relationship and STDs to your mum?

I agree, I also think the nature of your moms mental illness is important, do you think your father has contributed to the decline in her mental health ?

Absolutely tell her. Why wouldn't you??

Given he is parading the other woman around your local town in open view in restaurants and bars I would speak to your mother quickly, she is definitely going to find out sooner than you think. What a scum bag!

I am not sure I could forgive my dds for lying to me about this, yes her MH isn’t great but it’s not going to improve finding out the whole town knew before she did, inc her own children.

Definitely hit the nail on the head with years wasted @nelly10

@Aquamarine1029 hand grenade indeed and agree on him being an idiot right now

@MegaCookie My siblings are in the same dilemma.

My parents relationship has been up and down since I can remember, but my Mums diagnosis doesnt justify his behaviour, he is a grown man and should have the decency to end the marriage or work on the issues. He is openly discussing my Mums BPD with whoever will listen and how tough it is for him (which I agree it can be) but now I know this information , I wonder if he is setting his stall out so eveyone feels sorry for him. I love him , but he can be spineless.

I think the best way is to confront my Dad in the first instance.

@RandomForest I Think you could have a point

Although given how many people "know" and how indiscreet he is being it won't be long before she finds out anyway...I'd be inclined to say that to him - I would also say you aren't going to mention it (just so you don't get the blame when it does inevitably come out)

• He is openly discussing my Mums BPD with whoever will listen and how tough it is for him (which I agree it can be) but now I know this information , I wonder if he is setting his stall out so eveyone feels sorry for him. I love him , but he can be spineless. *

Oh God, I'm afraid your father does not have your mom's best interests at heart, to put it mildly.

**

It won't come out if people are afraid of their father.

People don't get involved especially if he holds some power or influence over others.

Her mother sounds like she is in a very vunerable possition.
Poor woman.

If he can't cope with your Mum's diagnosis/behaviour then he needs to leave the marriage!

He is treating her dreadfully-does she deserve that?

Only you can decide op, good luck with whatever your decision is. It’s a horrible situation for you.

I would want my DD to tell me & I would definitely tell my mum if this was happening. Some things I will stay out of but not this.

He is very publicly lining up his excuses for infidelity to blame your poor mother for his deplorable behaviour! He is hoping everyone will side with him, and agree he was an angel to ‘tolerate’ her and deserves to be happy. It doesn’t matter that he has been screwing another woman behind her back, rather than supporting his wife and her mental health.

No wonder her mental health is hitting rock bottom. How awful to be in this position.

You must tell her op.

wow I can't believe people are telling you to stay out of it.

If you do that you are complicit in your dad lying to your mum and not allowing her the dignity of moving on from the relationship

sorry it's tough but just not okay to go along with this and not let your mum know (I agree it would be better if you tell him and he tells her)

Been through similar and I stayed out of it. Mum left Dad after about 20 years off different affairs, with different men. She had no idea we knew (my sister and I) don't think my dad knew the half of it either, but he is an alcoholic and sure he used to drink these problems away 🙈

She definitely needs to know
from a physical health pov
she may need to get tested

read your updates I think he’s using her MH as a way to abuse her and make him feel the victim

i would give him
an ultimatum he has a week or you tell her

This is how I feel.

Although not kids, people that I thought liked me knew that my first husband was having an affair.

That they didn't tell me so that I could make a choice about staying married to a cheater hurt almost as much as the affair!