Page 3 | My Dad is having an affair advice please

Abf21 · 2023-09-12T10:53:54+00:00

I can't believe I am typing this, my sister and I have found out my Dad is having an affair - He doesn't know we know at present. My Mum has been borderline personaility disorder, but she has been stable for a while now, with peaks and troughs now and again as to be expected. If I tell her, I am worried she will not be able to cope with this and I am worried what she may do. It would destroy her but equally I am worried her reaction would be extreme. On the other hand if I don't confront my Dad and tell my Mum then I wouldn't feel comfortbale withholding this information. Any advice would be appreciated. What would you do in my situation?

oakleaffy · 12/09/2023 14:17

Abf21 · 12/09/2023 12:24

My Mum definately doesn't know. She made a comment that if she found out my Dad was having an affair he wouldn't be living to tell the tale 😐. I'm going to just ignore it and if my sister wants to do something different that is her call. I wish she hadn't have told me.

This is what my first thought was- What if she kills or harms him.

Maybe if marriage isn’t working, he should just leave and keep whereabouts a secret.

Some people are very dangerous when they suspect cheating.

( Male usually but also rare females)

TheCoffeeMrsAndMama · 12/09/2023 15:02

Firstly I would let him know that you know and then it is his responsibility to tell your mam! Your dad is the one in the wrong and needs to face up to it - if you say something, you'll look bad and your dad could twist things and lie about it.

Lastchancechica · 12/09/2023 15:06

oakleaffy · 12/09/2023 14:17

This is what my first thought was- What if she kills or harms him.

Maybe if marriage isn’t working, he should just leave and keep whereabouts a secret.

Some people are very dangerous when they suspect cheating.

( Male usually but also rare females)

Show quote history

That is very melodramatic
If you are concerned about her reaction then it’s far better to make an action plan and break it to her very carefully, with contingencies in place.

The worst way will obviously be the total unexpected shock of finding out at the local butchers from a busybody, and coming home unsupported with no one any the wiser.

Its far safer to tell her in a safe and private environment.

Original poster

Abf21 · 12/09/2023 15:06

Thank you everyone, for your advice. It's always good to hear advice from other peoples experiences and perspecitves. I have a lot to process before actioning!

OP posts:

caringcarer · 12/09/2023 21:44

Lastchancechica · 12/09/2023 13:00

I think she might be devastated to find out everyone knew, remained silent and lied to her by omission. It is so humiliating.

At least if you break it gently to her, you can be on hand to support her. Line up counselling support and be there for her. It will be a double whammy finding out your kids have been in on this too, and she has nowhere to turn.

I agree with this. If my DC knew my DH had cheated on me I'd be very upset if they kept the secret from me. I'd feel like they were complicit in the deceit.

RandomForest · 12/09/2023 21:47

I agree with this. If my DC knew my DH had cheated on me I'd be very
upset if they kept the secret from me. I'd feel like they were complicit
in the deceit.

Yes your mother will think you're both just flying monkeys.

Your mom needs allies at the moment not someone who will keep his dirty secrets safe.

StBrides · 12/09/2023 21:55

feels he is entitled to this because of "putting up with my Mum

He sounds like a gem.

Sorry op I don't mean to offend but really...!

How happy is your mum in her marriage?

I'd usually say tell your mum, you can't keep it secret, but given that she has a bad time with bpd I understand your hesitancy. In your shoes I might start quietly and gently encouraging my mum to do better and move on herself so that the split comes from her...She deserves better tbh. And so do you.

I think this approach would help too if she found out afterwards that you knew, because the sense of betrayal of being the last one to know would be awful and I think could be just as much a bpd trigger as finding out.

You're in a really tough situation, can you seek advice from a qualified therapist with experience in treating bpd?

ThePoetsWife · 12/09/2023 22:20

Your mum is probably being gaslighted and lied to, and being made to feel paranoid and mad.

RandomForest · 12/09/2023 22:22

ThePoetsWife · 12/09/2023 22:20

Your mum is probably being gaslighted and lied to, and being made to feel paranoid and mad.

Of course she is.

continentallentil · 12/09/2023 22:26

Don’t try and fix this OP - it’s not your job. I suspect that as a kid you felt you needed to sort your parents out. You don’t.

Tell your Dad you think he’s handling it badly and should be straight up by all means, but don’t ‘confront’ him, it’s not your job. No one should behave like this, but the marriage may have been rough on him so perhaps he has more excuse than most.

Do not tell your mum, you’ve been very clear she may handle the situation badly.

Hopefully your Dad will either leave or at least me more discrete, but leave them to it.

Lastchancechica · 12/09/2023 22:37

continentallentil · 12/09/2023 22:26

Don’t try and fix this OP - it’s not your job. I suspect that as a kid you felt you needed to sort your parents out. You don’t.

Tell your Dad you think he’s handling it badly and should be straight up by all means, but don’t ‘confront’ him, it’s not your job. No one should behave like this, but the marriage may have been rough on him so perhaps he has more excuse than most.

Do not tell your mum, you’ve been very clear she may handle the situation badly.

Hopefully your Dad will either leave or at least me more discrete, but leave them to it.

But her mother may find out anyway in a far harsher way than her dds quietly and gently telling her.

It’s an open secret by the sounds of it. Just a matter of time, dh is using the time wisely to run down his wife of many decades very publicly to try and win the sympathy vote for his depravity. Apparently it’s okay to cheat if she’s ‘mentally unwell’.

TR888 · 13/09/2023 00:38

I don't think some people commenting here have a good grasp of what living with someone with BPD is like. Whilst it doesn't entitle the OP's dad to have an affair, it does put his life choices in a different perspective. I'd cut him a lot of slack, tbh.

Some posters also seem unaware of the very real negative impact this sort of news could have on someone mentally ill.

What's better for your mum, OP? To know or not to know? How will her life be if she knows, and how it she doesn't know?

I think you know the answer.

And don't underestimate the impact for you personally of your mum's potential breakdown. You'd have to support it and feel comfortable accepting that you could have spared the hurt. Why not do that? It's unrealistic to think you're doing her some favour by revealing this affair.

WandaWonder · 13/09/2023 00:53

ThePoetsWife · 12/09/2023 22:20

Your mum is probably being gaslighted and lied to, and being made to feel paranoid and mad.

How do you know the mum is not causing issues, women can be made to responsible for their own actions

It is not always men are the enemy and women are totally 'well behaved' all the time and do no wrong

No one knows another relationship even children of older parents

ThePoetsWife · 13/09/2023 06:56

@WandaWonder

In this case the dad is having an affair - in

ThePoetsWife · 13/09/2023 06:58

@WandaWonder

In this case the Dad is having an affair - cheaters usually gaslight, lie and manipulate so that they don't get caught. It's not called crazy making for nothing.

YRGAM · 13/09/2023 10:19

The difference between the replies to this topic and an almost identical reverse currently active about someone's mum cheating on their dad is interesting

keffie12 · 13/09/2023 10:34

Abf21 · 12/09/2023 15:06

Thank you everyone, for your advice. It's always good to hear advice from other peoples experiences and perspecitves. I have a lot to process before actioning!

I would also like to add that if you are going to speak to your dad, that whilst "he puts up with your mom" to use his terms, your mom has to live with her illness.

It's an illness and not pleasant for her. She can't get away her illness and escape. I certainly would speak to him before you make any decisions on whether to tell your mom.

You're mom, and you 5 siblings deserve better. He is using his unfaithfulness as an excuse. If he is telling everyone he can think of he is going to be found out.

Good luck to you and yours

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 13/09/2023 10:51

AlienatedChildGrown · 12/09/2023 12:33

If I had a time machine I would go back and remove my beak from what I’d just overheard about my parents’ marriage.

I have no parallel universe to check the outcome would have been better. But I suspect it would. If for nothing else than relief from the lump of guilt that my big mouth was the catalyst for a family implosion that hurt (and continues to hurt 40 years later) my siblings.

I didn’t make the mess. But I forced it into the sunlight. Its disinfectant powers are overrated in some circumstances. None of us were ever the same after that moment when I decided not to hold my tongue. It’s like some of us died, and a stranger lived in their body.

I'm so sorry you feel this way, AlienatedChildGrown. How horrid for you. You were young and didn't realised the consequences. However, it's not your fault. I hope you can heal, all of you.

GR8GAL · 13/09/2023 11:07

BoohooWoohoo · 12/09/2023 12:04

I would tell him that I know in the hope that he ends things with the OW but there's obviously a risk that he will end things with your mum.
It must be hard dealing with a partner who has bpd. Does your dad need more support from you and your sister?

Yes, he might end things with your mum, but ultimately they would both be better off. He's wasting her time and her life, and clearly isn't invested in the marriage anymore. If he wants to be with another woman, then he needs to man up and do the right thing and leave your mum to find her own happiness.

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 13/09/2023 11:36

Your Dad sounds like he’s playing the victim and is being totally disrespectful to your Mum – not just the affair, but telling anyone who will listen about the BPD. He’s lining up the pity for when the eventual truth comes out. And it will do. There is no justification for an affair. Ever. If he’s “had to put up” with Mum’s BPD, then he should bloody well leave! The gas-lighting won’t help the BPD, for sure!

His behaviour is reckless, flaunting around town, so perhaps he wants the truth to come out. Perhaps he hasn’t the spine to leave without being thrown out.

I would be so upset to find out my children had kept the secret from me because “it was none of their business”. Of course it is! This is your family and you must be really upset and anxious.

I personally would talk to not only Dad but the OW. I would have it out with her, cards on the table, telling her you and your sister know. I would warn Dad that if he didn’t end the affair, then you expect him to tell Mum before the end of the week. He may leave, of course, but if he does he was always going to. Best now than later. If he doesn’t leave then he may tell your Mum about the affair, of course, but it seems he was always going to get caught – it’s just a matter of time and this is the point……it IS going to come out and Mum will be doubly hurt that her children said nothing nor tried to get Dad to stop the affair. Even if you don’t disclose the affair to Mum, if she finds out, she’ll know you tried hard to stop the affair. That counts.

I would line-up therapy for Mum, as someone said. She needs support anyway, besides the affair, and I’m surprised she’s not in therapy anyway.

Really horrid for you. I think Mum needs allies and love around her. It’s a very lonely place, discovering your partner has been having an affair and that others knew but did nor said nothing. It’s oddly more painful than the affair itself.

Original poster

Abf21 · 13/09/2023 18:02

@ConfusedAsAlways42 I agree- They have always been up and down , but he is defintiely using the BPD as a victim card - although I know it's been difficult for him too at tmes, for all of us. My Mum was in therapy and then all of a sudden miraculously my Dad has been a great husband lately and has been giving her loads of attention and taking her out etc (guilty conscience?) , so she has been having less therapy as she felt her relationship improving was helping her wellbeing in general.

My Mum and I haven't had the best relationship in the past , but have been better over the years.

Whenever they have fallen out over the years my Dad has always called me to vent and tell me how bad he has it etc. Whenever I have been asked for my opinion and stupidly given it , it has ended with my Dad weasling back in with my Mum and then me being ignored by both of them as my Mum is pissed with me. So I am indeed tempted to keep it shut but feel like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.

He for certain does not have a pair of balls and I would like to not have this burden on me which I have grown up with , essentially babysitting my parents over 30 years and counselling their marriage which has been unfair. This is a step too far for me , I am anxious, especially about the potential fall out of both scenarios 1 - She finds out and is upset with me for not telling her,
2 - If I tell her and my family implodes
3 - My Mum flips out with catastrophic consequences.
4 - If I tell her - he comes up with some BS and my Mum thinks I've made something up.

@AlienatedChildGrown I'm sorry this was the case for you. I hope you will feel better over time.

OP posts:

NonMiDispiace · 13/09/2023 18:46

I’d be tempted to write him an anonymous note stating it’s been noticed what he’s doing and if he doesn’t tell his wife in x days then she will be enlightened. Cowards way I know but at least you won’t bear the brunt of it?

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 13/09/2023 19:23

Abf21 · 13/09/2023 18:02

@ConfusedAsAlways42 I agree- They have always been up and down , but he is defintiely using the BPD as a victim card - although I know it's been difficult for him too at tmes, for all of us. My Mum was in therapy and then all of a sudden miraculously my Dad has been a great husband lately and has been giving her loads of attention and taking her out etc (guilty conscience?) , so she has been having less therapy as she felt her relationship improving was helping her wellbeing in general.

My Mum and I haven't had the best relationship in the past , but have been better over the years.

Whenever they have fallen out over the years my Dad has always called me to vent and tell me how bad he has it etc. Whenever I have been asked for my opinion and stupidly given it , it has ended with my Dad weasling back in with my Mum and then me being ignored by both of them as my Mum is pissed with me. So I am indeed tempted to keep it shut but feel like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.

He for certain does not have a pair of balls and I would like to not have this burden on me which I have grown up with , essentially babysitting my parents over 30 years and counselling their marriage which has been unfair. This is a step too far for me , I am anxious, especially about the potential fall out of both scenarios 1 - She finds out and is upset with me for not telling her,
2 - If I tell her and my family implodes
3 - My Mum flips out with catastrophic consequences.
4 - If I tell her - he comes up with some BS and my Mum thinks I've made something up.

@AlienatedChildGrown I'm sorry this was the case for you. I hope you will feel better over time.

@Abf21....I'm really sorry you've been parenting your parents all your life. You need to step out of that role, I agree. @NonMiDispiace has a good idea, I think.....sending an anonymous letter to Dad. He needs to grow a pair and perhaps you could tell him it's his problem and he needs to deal with it asap. Bitching about Mum to you is not on, nor vice versa with Mum. It's abuse of the parent child relationship. Wishing you all the very best.