Heartbroken and feel lost

[AmillionDreams1]

So my ex (35) and I (30) were together for 3 years. Things towards the end went a bit sour and we decided to have time apart. He moved back into his parents. We still met up, had the occasional “intimacy” , and spoke daily. A few times he mentioned he had no idea how we would move forward because he doesn’t trust me?? but I said I’ll do anything possible to prove he has nothing to worry about!

Im sure there has been times I’ve upset him and I’m not perfect but NEVER have I ever cheated in any way. Never even looked at another man, flirted , text, nothing. He on the other hand has. From creating another instagram account (and blocking me on it) so he could like other girls photos without me knowing , messaging them etc. Then after months of texting another woman (complimenting her and saying he couldn’t wait to get her in bed etc) he took her out for drinks and walks in the park. Muggins over here accepted his cheating arse back after the constant begging.

As time has gone on other things have happened . Getting more women’s numbers, flirting , even going as far as calling and laughing about me to one of them! All of which I have let go for the sake of our relationship and our 3 kids (from previous marriages).

Earlier this year I got an email where he ordered a takeaway to some random house. He lied and said he was sat in the car outside said house with his friend but didn’t know who lived there (lol). Rang me straight away like don’t be daft I’ll come home now if you want lalala… He made this big twisted story up. For months I have not let it drop as it hasn’t sat right! I finally found out who lives there after knocking on (yes a little crazy) 3 months on…. Asked the girl and it turns out she has been seeing my “boyfriend” for 6 months now.. she loves him. She has met my step daughter and everything. He stays over at least once a week.

I’ve confronted him in hysterics, pleading for answers, asking why. He believes because we was on a break we were single and he’s done nothing wrong. However at the start of seeing her we hadn’t decided on space and I was actually 6 weeks pregnant with our first baby together (which I later miscarried) I didn’t realise it was a full on break up either?? And he is denying it’s anything more than a friendship to him.

Out of desperation and panic I turned up - asking him who he wants. Me or her? And he said we can’t sort it between us. But doesn’t want her either. He’s asked ME for space because his head mashed. He also said he needed to apologise to her and deal with this situation? Which proves his loyalties to her. I told him when I walk out this door he will never see me again. He cried and said it’s for the best.

I’m absolutely BROKEN. All this time I’ve been loyal, loving , committed. And he’s been out doing the dirty on me without a second thought.

The pain is unbearable. Everything is over just like that! He doesn’t even seem bothered in the slightest. He’s replied once saying “it’s done just move on and be happy” and ignored the rest of my pathetic texts begging for one last shot.

How will I ever get over this 😭 the images in my head of him in bed with another woman is haunting me?!! She’s pretty and lives in a lovely house. It’s unfair that he gets to go be happy and play step daddy to her 3 kids and I’m in bits trying to be a mum to my 2. I am gutted my step daughter who’s 6 will never see me again. I love her like my own.

Please help. I know I sound pathetic but I’ve never felt so low

X

Gosh, you're best off out of it - I know that's not particularly helpful to hear now, while you're feeling so low - but honestly, you can do far far better.

If he comes back sniffing around in a few days or weeks, FGS, tell him to fuck off. He's treated you appallingly, and would do the same again.

Thing is, if you tolerate and forgive poor treatment, the other person doesn't tend to be grateful or appreciate that, but instead they see it as devaluing you.

You will get through this pain, and if you stay away from him, in a few months time you'll wonder what the heck you were doing with him.

Cry it out, treat yourself kindly, distract yourself, block him on everything and delete him on everything. The feelings will pass.

Oh my god he is horrific. Why do you want this man you had treated you so HORRIBLY?

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS.
He is a cheating loser

Thank you so much for replying. It absolutely is helpful. I feel like I can’t see clearly. He had made out in the problem when it’s been him all along.

I think I’m finding it so hard because he’s ultimately chosen to Persue her? Apologising etc… over sorting things with me 😔 rejection hurts like maddddddd

hes actually beat me to it and blocked me on everything because he can’t cope with me texting him (and saying the truth probably) . So cruel.

i pray it all goes to shit for him

I’m so sorry OP.
I’ve been in a similar situation twice. It’s awful. The pain is physical. But it does get better I promise.

Even if he picks you OP, in my experience, you’ll never trust him again. It will always be in the background. Always tainted.

Let her have him. She gets the bf who uses secret Insta accounts to chat up and meet women.

No more begging. Go no contact. There are two advantages to NC. 1. You have time to prioritise you, and 2. It’s the only way he gets to miss you. He may come back he might not. You hopefully won’t want him if he does. He’ll never come back if you beg.

Sending hugs. You will get through it. Xx

I think I’m so focused on the food that I’ve let the bad go. But the bad is really bad!

he genuinely thinks he’s been amazing to me. No sorry in sight.

I hate I’ve stroked his ego and begged for another chance. Grrrr xx

Christ on a bike
Forget about this absolute arsehole you're well rid.

Aw thank you for that message. Day 1 of no contact today completed ✔️ I must keep going. I just keep taking myself on walks to keep busy and lose weight hopefully too. I want him to miss me so bad. I want him to feel the pain I’m feeling. It doesn’t feel like it will ever get better 😭 he genuinely does not seem arsed one bit! Xx

@solice84 deep down I know he’s so bad. I’m so annoyed I’ve made him think he’s gods gift. I should have kicked him to the curb time ago ! Xx

He is gaslighting you. He is the one who has issues being faithful, not you.

And he knows it so he’s a liar as well as a cheat.

What you need to do now is see this guy for who he is. Feel the hurt, scream, cry, let it all out for as long as it takes. Tell yourself repeatedly all the reasons you're way better off without him, feel sorry for her being stuck with him. Rant to family and friends, tell them all the bad shit he's done. Eventually you'll get the energy to start to care for yourself again, do things you enjoy, see light. I was brutally dumped 2 months ago and I feel 75% better and optimistic and actually happy. You'll get there, block him and focus on you and your kids. You need strength, find it!

Best thing to do is cut all contact
Completely
Remove him from all sm
Block him on everything
He'll absolutely hate it
Then build your life back up and make it better
The best revenge is to be happy without him

And forget what he thinks. You need to make him nothing to you. His opinion is not your concern. His happiness or sadness, not your concern. Who cares what he thinks. Do well for you, not to make him feel anything. He probably won't care anyway he's too self absorbed. FORGET HIM

Once you’ve done a day you can do another. It will be OK.

Block him regardless of whether he’s blocked you so he can’t unblock and send you crumbs if things aren’t working out for him.

He knows where you are if he really wants to make things right he will.

Focus on you, your heath happiness and fitness. Find a new class/hobby. Gradually you’ll realise what a lot of crap you put up with and you won’t want to go back there even if he turns up with snivelling apologies.
xx

He's a complete scumbag OP, don't give him the time of day.

I hope it all goes shit for him too OP. What an arsehole. It really is a case of onwards and upwards for you. It must have been a very stressful and upsetting relationship. Focus on yourself, your happiness, and being your best version of you and forget about him. You don't have a happy future with him, but you can and will have a happy future......go get it!

Thank you to EVERYONE. it feels like he’s the one who has got away and I’ve been left in bits.

I’ve been so annoyed and upset with myself. But really I haven’t done anything wrong but try and love someone who was never happy with me! Maybe I mothered him too much? Maybe I suffocated him with love?

Why did it take him so little time to fall for another woman. The fact she’s been around my step daughter too just breaks me!! She’s been in my life since she was in nappies 😩

My ex MIL knew all about it and kept her mouth shut too. Bitch.

This is the type of bloke who turns a woman into a stalking crazed loon.. this is how you would've ended up.
You've had a lucky escape. I know it hurts, but it'll get better and one day you won't even think of him.

No contact
Keep yourself busy
Self love and self care

OP in a little while you will thank your lucky stars that you are free of this lying, cheating, manipulative scumbag! He sounds absolutely vile, the lowest of the low.
I remember the takeaway thread and all the shenanigans around it and can't believe you took him back!
As pps have advised, go completely no contact, block him on everything and never blame yourself for the fact that he's a POS. You did nothing wrong, it was all on him. Look after yourself proritise your health and well being and although it's painful now you will soon realise you've had a lucky escape.

It’s hard now but let yourself grieve and be kind to yourself. You also have to be firm - firm not to take him back - so block him on
everything and do your crying.
i speak from experience when I tell you that one day you’ll celebrate this day twice as hard as Christmas , cause you’ll be rid of this nasty evil snake and you’ll be free .

Block him. Don't let him use you as booty call. Yuk.

It will hurt for a bit, but if you block him, you'll get over him more quickly.

I’ve not read the whole thread but saw your comment regarding him picking her over you…read it again and then listen to my advice. “LET HIM!” Let him pick her because you are better off without him! Let her have a lame excuse if a man! You’ve won then! It will hurt but find someone who wants you and ONLY you! Xx Sending you love and strength

First of all, he knows good and well that you’ve never cheated — that is his M.O. He threw that rubbish at you to mess with your head, and was most likely projecting.

@AmillionDreams1, you’ve known for years that this sleazy misogynist is no good. He deceives, connives, lies and cheats. Frankly, I wouldn’t allow my child to be exposed to someone like him.

One thing is certain: he will never change and will crush your soul if you eventually reunite. He’s incapable of love and commitment. He’ll always have a huge appetite for chasing many women for illicit ego validation and sexual gratification, and then treating them like garbage. He won’t protect his fidelity for anyone.

As for his daughter, he’s a dysfunctional role model who is clearly cavalier about destabilizing her life. Only his wants/needs are primary.

Kudos for getting through one day of NC. You are likely trauma-bonded to this guy, which feels like an addiction because of the intermittent abuse cycle. You already know that you’ll have to gather all your strength and gumption to break the bond, but you can do it. Think of him as a poison.

@AmillionDreams1, consider accessing the support of IC to help you navigate the grieving process and to strengthen your boundaries and
self-esteem.

Try reading about Trauma Bonding OP. I think it will resonate with you. Keep going. It'll take time but you can and will move on from this bastard.
I'm sorry you're so sad about the little girl. That's really tough.

Thank you all,

I was considering sending a text saying I’ve had a think about things and I absolutely do not want you back and never contact me again then block him.

because right now he thinks I’m still an option

I want him to feel the abandonment and hurt I’m feeling.

I’ve been reading up on narcissism , trauma bonding etc and it’s like talking about him!